Mermaid

"I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living." ~Anaïs Nin

I wish that I could love practically,

For the number of respectable men who have loved me is great.

But love cannot be directed in such a way...reason says no word that love hears.

Love cannot be directed,

Attraction not governed.

Either it is there, 

Or it is not.

Either it is used to slowly create a vineyard of ancient, lovingly entangled roots,

Or it is allowed to burn out, like a candle in the night.

All too often I fall for the impractical ones,

Unavailable,

More wounded than not.

Souls knowing each other several times. 

Irresistible connections,

Profound,

But only momentarily.

A moment that feels like eternity,

Then becomes a faint ghost in the distant past.

Yes, several times I have known this powerful love. Like walking on fire...

But now even that bores me, I grow tired,

Of a love so powerful, but on one end shallow.

Love is not love that is not cherished.

Love is not love that is expendable.

Love ebbs and flows, but is dependable.

If you can throw me away,

If you can grow burdened by my love,

You do not deserve me,

And cannot receive what I am. 

You may have known me for a moment,

But you could not withstand the pressure of swimming so deeply inside yourself any longer,

It made you mad with intensity,

You had to surface.

You knew me once in the depths,

But know me no more, 

And if your mind endeavors to feel superior 

By suggesting that I don't know my own heart entirely,

Or that I mean to say something

Other than what my words convey,

That is your perception,

And not reality. 

You may have your illusion.

You do not perceive me any longer.

I cannot place my love logically,

And I am tired of bestowing privileges 

On fearful men. It is no longer worth it, to love so hard and be abandoned over and over again so rapidly. That too, is not good enough.

Though I have believed it to be,

I have never known my equal.

I have not known one who could sustain

Such powerful love,

And not need to run back to shallower depths of sensation. 

I have not found one,

That truly endeavors to deserve me,

That truly receives me,

Because if I did,

He'd be a damn fool and slightly insane

To ever conceive of releasing me.

Never before was it so clear that there is only one of me, 

And if you can ever let me go, 

You never deserved all that I am.

It is too deep,

Too powerful,

Too bold 

For most.

But I will not feign normality,

I will not moderate to make your ego more comfortable.

So if you can't feel every drop of the ocean that I am,

And if it doesn't make every particle of your being love-drunk, 

Swaying with the currents,

And if you don't recognize

The merging of our particles as sacred,

A catalyst of every potent and natural in ourselves,

And that you run just as deeply as I do,

Then please do walk away.

Get out of my sight.

Because in all ways and extents

I am done will shallow living,

And will tolerate no more hand-to-mouth love,

No more hand-to-mouth life. 

Do not pat me on the head before you go,

I know who I am, your words are silly.

And do savor it if I look at you as you walk away, 

Because my love was grace.

When I loved you, it was because I saw you as an equal,

And when you left me,

It was because you couldn't see it the same way. I lifted you up to a height which you were unaccustomed,

And you were frightened.

You couldn't trust in me,

In yourself,

Or in what was coming.

So I cannot any longer abide less than what I deserve in this world,

I will not relinquish myself to endless suffering. 

I will not allow myself to be wasted in the shallow depths,

I will live in the depths that are my home, in all ways. 

I refuse to settle for shallow roots,

Shallow love.

My depth will permeate every aspect of my life.

From the depths I will never return.

So if you, whoever you are, wish to meet me, to know me,

It is you who must learn on your own to dive so deeply,

Fortify your heart & mind,

As to be able to remain in the deepest, mysterious realms of the ocean of life, ocean of Self,

To handle the pressures of reality,

And the immensity of this love

That is me.