Sunday, December 14, 2014

Transitions~ a life story

Transitions are a major part of life, whether you enter onto a path of mindfulness or not. Someday you will find out something that you once believed was a lie. Someday you will fall in love. Someday someone you love will die. This is natural. Transitions are natural in the human experience.

It is not that transitions are all bad, in fact most are an upgrade of some fashion. The fact still remains, one day you wake up, or in a split second, it's as if you hear the glass shatter, and the hyper-silent aura, as you feel the adrenaline pump and realize that your reality and actual reality were not connected. The integration is part of the transition, and that is the time where your mind and body re-map reality, and try to draw all of the lines in the correct places this time.

Sometimes the transition is into a miraculous reality, sometimes it's an equal-but-different reality, and sometimes, unfortunately, it's a reality that is just not at all what you wanted. Ultimately, whatever transition you go through, you have the ability an opportunity to make peace with it, embrace it, and make the most of it.

As we act and react and interact, we are shaped. We learn, we grow.. We change. We become more conscious. The more conscious we become, the faster we begin to transition from higher vibrational frequency to even higher ones.. And for every shift, there comes a tipping point, and once we cross it, we are simply not the same.

One day we wake up, and we feel sort of strange. Not bad, just different. A bit like we are in a movie. Something has changed, we don't quite fit in, our tastes have changed. And so you have it, you have transitioned.

Some transitions are seemingly minute, change your part, stop swearing quite so much, and okay, you are steadily integrated into the new vibration.

Some transitions are much bigger- like realizing that you no longer want to eat anything that comes from an animal anymore, or that you no longer want to eat cooked food, in my case. It used to feel fine, in fact, I loved it. Slowly it stopped working, it stopped making sense. After a while, it felt like eating sludge, it gave me a hangover.

Some transitions are even bigger still. It is as if we wake up one day, and our personality has taken a strong shift. I have felt this kind of transition coming on for half a year. I lives with other people as it was so difficult to just change, one day, to be so different. It was a subtle self-consciousness within myself that prevented me from making the change faster. It is very challenging when you have a certain way of relating with another being, a pattern, a groove.

The secret to a successful long-term partnership lies in the ability to break the relationship structure down to a fresh slate without damaging the love bond, and starting over every so often. Bonus points if both people can be so present that they clear the slate moment-to-moment and rediscover each other through actions, words, and shared experiences. This keeps love fresh, vibrant, relevant, and allows both parties to keep evolving individually. This also prevents the structure of who one perceives the other to be to harden and disable their ability to grow and change.

So I was in a groove and had a hard time breaking it around those I knew best. I craved time alone. So much of it. In fact, mercifully, the Universe has cleared the slate and minimized my contact with other beings. This, too, is part of the transition: getting lost to yourself and others, until you have fully integrated the new vibration, until you have chewed and swallowed it all, digested it, and let it become your cells. Until then, you will mostly be alone, or among strangers.

This can be a lonely time. I find it sometimes lonely, but familiar, and beautiful. I grew up an only child and spent most of my hours alone, and I still do as an adult. There is a tranquil beauty to it, to simply be yourself, and do what inspiration or necessity asks of you.

I find this time to have a quiet beauty, like watching snow fall at night.

I have this strong image that comes to me, that after cutting my hair super short ten months ago, that this growing out process of the year would be connected to a giant transition. I don't feel like my soul is reflected in short hair, it is a personal thing. I admire the gorgeous ladies who pul off short hair and love it, because it is true to their souls. I am not one of those gals. Last February, I wanted to test that theory, and see if my image of myself was jaded or somehow blocking me from completing a transformation. I quickly realized it was not, and that plan B was for the transition of growing my hair back out to be a deep and powerful one. And so it's been.

With that background, this transition doesn't feel complete until my hair is past my collarbones, on it's way to my heart, it's current destination. A few more months..

I am quieter than I've been in many years. I am a crystal, both super solitary and lovingly social, and a natural partner. I've been this unseen gem for so long that when I have a resonant partner, I share all of the profound things that occur in my daily path. I'm so used to evolving so much faster than those around me that no one stays around too long. I always want to stay connected, I am a natural partner, so I want to keep loving. I don't want to drift too far from my beloved, lose sight and lose him forever, so I give little Marco Polo chirps of my current experience. I realize this was a remnant of fear of being abandoned again.

I will never be a silent person, my ability to share my deepest subtle experiences is also my ability to heal myself and others, but I see myself spending more silent time with my Beloveds. I see myself directing more of my energy into look, touch, and action, rather than words. Writing and teaching excluded, of course.

I can't do my hair the same, I can't dress the same, I am just not the same. I am exactly the same as I always was, actually, but I'm better able to articulate that truth, by seeing, feeling, thinking, moving, acting, speaking, as a clearer description of that vibration.

It is so true, that transitions, spiritual evolution, enlightenment.. They are about subtraction and refocusing. It's not that you are changing, but that your discernment of the existent truth is sharpening. You were always This that you are "becoming", you just had brainwashed ideas, scars, debris, confusion in the way of really feeling it.. And feeling is the seeing.

Transitions come in all forms: transitions in and out of relationships, transitions into parenthood, into adulthood, into a new job, new home, new country or city.. Transitions into a new view of reality, like when you learn that Santa isn't real, or that someone you loved deeply doesn't love you like you truly thought they did.

Everyone has a harder or easier time with certain transitions. I am a natural partner, so my transition into a partnership is fast and easy, I simply open my existence up and let it be transformed with the new reality of being in love and having a partnership. I am bad at goodbyes, so my transition out of relationships is tricky for me. Love ending early or unnaturally never resonates with me, it's like an irrelevant answer to a question; it just doesn't make sense.

Every transition is at best like a tsunami or giant storm: it will come on powerfully, destroy everything, and then the calm comes... You stare into it with awe and shock, pain and excitement, and then you realize the entire matrix of your life was wiped clean. You now create a new way of life, a new version of yourself arises. Some pieces stay dead, some fade in importance, and those that are vibrant and alive, a description of your soul's truth, they arise again, stronger for the clearing.

Work not with what was, but what is. Die to the old version of your dreams, and let love reshape you, let truth redesign your dreams, your inspirations, your tastes.

Many people live and die, their lives end, before they let themselves even attempt this kind of transformation. It is brave work, to die and be born again, to let go of everything you know, and trust that you will reemerge. He risks are great, the gains are greater. And to not embrace this process is to forever stay stuck at the point where you are not yourself and you know it, and it aches. It aches like a quiet hallway filled with the maniacally loud banging of fists in one's own head.. An inner gnawing that starts as an itch and becomes a sick and twisted creature eating itself from the inside. The past, the ego, the smaller box- it is safe and familiar. You will forever remain disjointed and crammed, bending awkwardly more and more as you grow, until you break out of that comfortable, self-imposed prison. It is scary to be free to be anything after being kept so small for so long, it makes you want to run, or find some reason to reject this transition: it must be wrong, look at how awkward it is!?!? Look at how it shows me where I was fooled, it must be wrong... Don't shoot the messenger, or else you'll be Peter Pan, the boy that never grew up, stuck avoiding the life you truly wanted because you underestimate yourself and are afraid to grow up.

Growing up doesn't mean getting stuff.. In fact, the freer I become, the more I am a pure combination of quiet & brilliant conscious discernment of reality, and a joyful loving girl, who savors her senses, every breath, twirls and hops, giggles, yet walks like a ballerina with prayers on her toes.

I can't tell you who you are going to be. I can tell you that you aren't alone, even when you feel that way. I can tell you that there's nothing like freedom and authenticity. And I also can tell you the most important gauge: passion.

If you don't have passion for your life, first look inside for blockages of mind, body, and habit that stop you from being inspired and making love to the miracles right in front of you with your senses. Work ardently on what you find in your way, with patience, love, and tenacity.

Secondly, look to images, activities, words, music, people that inspire you.

The lost days in the middle of your transitions will dull your connection to your inner light, passions, and love, because you are disconnected from it all for a moment, until only the healthy connections reboot. Hold right in those days, don't sever your relationships or burn your brushes until you are clear.

When you are clear again, feet rooted in your new land, slash and burn (with compassion) all that is not your truth and passion. Let it all go, fast, no reason to hesitate. Embrace openly and thoroughly all that is your inspiration and passion, even if you feel yourself growling into it. Trust yourself, even if it's scary, especially if it's a little scary.

May my story reflect your light back to you and help you to weather the transitions with joy instead of misery.

The world needs authenticity, it needs you to stop holding back.

Let it all be stripped from you, let it be pulled out of your guts, and do not be afraid of the emptiness you feel: it is actually freedom from your burdens.