Freedom From Body Dysmorphia

Part of becoming free for me, a major part, was finding a way to have peace inside this body of mine. It has been a long process and it seems like it's becoming increasingly subtle... The most grueling aspects seem to be behind me..

Overcoming eating disorders, looking into my experience to discover that "feeling fat" was actually just energetic imbalance remedied by lifestyle, and finding a way to allow the external layer of my body stay harmonious with my internal ocean of spirit and heart were the major tasks. The latter is the topic of reflection in this article.

In my younger years I felt tomboyish and that I was never pretty or feminine externally, although inside I felt I truly was. This rift caused me a lot of suffering.. It's the same sort of suffering felt by transgendered people, or anyone caught in living a lie and not fully conscious of it's landscape or knowing of a way to fix it.

This false feeling of being boyish and never pretty enough led me to carry an image inside my head that was entirely distorted and different from my external appearance.

Body dysmorphia: when the internal feelings and image of self are not congruent with external reality.

For years looking to rid myself of the remnants of jilted self-image, incongruency and insecurity, I became very ascetic. I also sought to take the least from earth's resources as possible, so I used it as an excuse to deny myself a lot of luxuries.

I didn't use products in my hair, I didn't use any makeup, I didn't dye my hair, I only bought second-hand clothes (except for underwear), and a lot of these principles I still utilize, but now joyfully.

I made myself go without these things and it showed me what I didn't need to feel whole. It also showed me that which I did. All of my friends had colorful and beautifully-styled hair, and wore gorgeous make-up. I tortured myself, because how could I feel beautiful standing next to them?

At the time I didn't realize that I wasn't ugly or plain, that my essence was crying out to have an external expression in line with my internal beauty and sweetness.

I am thankful for that time of simple denial, though, because I learned that I don't need much. I don't need every fancy serum and cream and make-up item and I don't need a thousand products and I don't need to dye my hair. Most of my clothing is second-hand and I wouldn't have it any other way. I use very few make-up items, I use baking soda and vinegar to wash my hair (and it's so healthy!), and very little product, if any. I have learned that all I need is exactly what I need, no more, no less, to help me to feel expressed as a beautiful soul and woman.

Sometimes we hide a subtle layer of our wounds under a label or crutch though..

And mine was the length of my hair. I no longer had to question if I was feminine, I had pretty make-up, flattering clothing that I feel good in, and long hair. I always enjoyed the look of certain short styles but when I cut my hair I'd feel like I was tomboyish again.. I had a relapse of sorts.

Well, after having my hair long for a few years, I decided to chop it spontaneously. I felt empowered. Then a day later I felt butch. Then I felt frustrated and annoyed that I did this, again... But instead of bashing myself internally or letting the latent wound-residues arising consume me, I focused on cultivating happiness with what is. In front of me is a me, with short hair. I am a playful, wise, and sweet woman with a child-like jovial personality. I am loving, feminine, and kind. I have a swing in my hips when I walk and a dance-like way of moving.

I realized that old views were arising within me, remnants of scars surfacing, when I removed the crutch of long hair.

I realized that STILL, my inner perception of appearance was not connected to how I actually look. I realized that the silent, subtle image I carried of myself inside was tomboyish, plain, and chunky. I wasn't even fully aware of this until I had cut my hair. In fact, I realized that I was stuck in a transition, where, when my energy felt good and balanced, I had an updated internal self-image that was beautiful, bright, slender and feminine. When I felt worn-out or imbalanced, that old self-image of chunky, heavy, boyish, plain and frumpy "me" was in my mind.. So subtly, like a hologram, like a ghost or whisper, it was there, tainting my every moment.

I have since practiced gazing in the mirror and seeing myself objectively. I don't fixate on subtle imperfections, but focus on my beauty. I update my inner image to see the radiance of my eyes and smile, I realize the ways that my external form is reflecting inner light. I don't get stuck, I let myself keep updating. Change is the nature of reality, energy flows like a river, never stuck unless we ourselves dam it up with debris. But I accept where I am right now, see my beauty, and will keep letting my external appearance reflect my inner river of love-consciousness.

And I have discovered that when I chopped off all of that hair, I felt energetically lighter. I used to fixate on growing my hair longer and longer, to feel more feminine and worthy. Now I realize that while I want my hair long enough to pin up if I wish, I may not grow it super long, at least not right away. I discovered that when we are highly attuned to energy, we can feel all the energy contained in the hair and it is beneficial to free ourselves of it or only carry an amount that allows us to feel whole, harmonious with our truth, and free. It should never be a burden. I am exploring a whole new view of myself and will not rush back to the complacency and safety of long hair. I will fully acknowledge this experience and distill every bit of growth from it possible.

Over the years, through trial-and-error, I learned to keep my energy balanced and body strong, and mind relaxed most of the time, even under a decent amount of stress. Parenthood upped the ante an forced me to withstand higher and higher stress levels and remain conscious and avoid slipping into old, spastic patterns of behavior.

However, there is no end to how free we can become. We can keep finding subtle holding patterns, subtle conditioned beliefs that hold us back in many ways, and choose to release them.

We are light-beings.. Energy.. And we manifested this body. It reflects our congruency with personal authenticity and it reflects our gaps between our truth and action. It doesn't lie.

We are meant to find completely freedom and comfort within the earthly clothing of this body. We are the merging, the interface, of metaphysical energy (spirit) and physical. By seeking inhibition, wellness, and wholeness, we accomplish this mission. We free ourselves of the blockages and distractions and imprisoning ideas that block us just BEING.

Your uniqueness is who you are. Your passions and curiosities are meant to be explored and expressed. Your externals are meant to reflect your internal truths. All things congruent and harmonious, you are simply a prism through which formless Spirit flows into this world of form and creates, feels, plays, experiences and enjoys, through your body. Your body is the conduit of Spirit.

It is not easy work to get free, but it is worthwhile. You can hurt, and feel the raw aches and pains of the expansion of consciousness voluntarily, as well as the incredible peaks of unexplainable bliss and ecstasy that are also part of the path... Or you can roll around in the endless agony of trying to stay stuck and small and live a lie when the entire universe conspires to catalyze your fullest expansion.

Inner Image & Interaction

There is a view of ourselves that we unconsciously carry... Often derived from the labels we have identified with and our insecurities accrued over the years...

I believe that carrying an outdated or distorted inner image of oneself is the root of body dysmorphia (along with intense sensitivity to energy & no knowledge as to how to care for & balance one's energy field)... And that it is one of our greatest obstacles preventing us from stepping into the life of fulfillment and abundance that we deserve. If we see ourselves in a false and "ugly" way, we cannot see ourselves successful and happy, and keep ourselves trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage.

Made conscious we can update this inner image.. Which is crucial because a picture is worth a thousand words, and this inner view contains a weight, a tone, a whole way of relating to oneself and the world.

For example, for most of my life I saw myself as ugly, stocky, plain and tomboyish. Most people say I am none of these things. So I have been rehabbing my inner image for years, but most consciously and intently over the last couple months. I am seeing positive changes in the way I feel day-to-day.

I am cultivating what I know myself to be in the way I carry myself, dress, act and relate to others, and I take a few minutes each day to notice what I actually look like. I make the changes to my appearance necessary in order to keep a sense of rightness and congruency.. That my outer self reflects my heart and inner truth. And I notice what I actually look like and the difference between that and the standard/habitual image in my mind.

Typically we stare at and fixate on what we consider our flaws.. And all we do is torture ourselves with that practice. Take care of yourself, of course, but accept your uniqueness as well.. Focus on your beauty, your shine, your power, your spark..

It takes a while to update the mental picture we habitually carry of ourselves, but without doing so, we allow ourselves to manifest our entire life based on a version of ourselves craved out of our insecurities, fears and shame. This is a version of ourself that may never have materially existed, but because it exists within our mind, we create our life as that person.

Strive to update your inner face, see yourself for your best qualities. Wen you practice balanced self-care, you will feel good, and when you feel good internally, you will enjoy what you see externally. What we see is interpreted by the brain, after all.

Labels & inspiration

Make sure that the labels you use to describe or define yourself are in service of your sense of rightness, inspiration and freedom. They should not constrict, crush or detain you in any way. Remember who is in charge of your inner world.. You are in full control of where you let yourself dwell internally. Take control. Don't linger in or feed thoughts, feelings and attitudes that bring you heaviness, insecurity or depression. Discard that garbage. And also throw away labels that prevent your expansion and vibrant self-esteem.

Labels can be used to help you to keep growing, feeling positive and inspired to continue on your path of persona authenticity and enhancing/following your sense of inner-rightness. Use them wisely! 

Contemplation of Perfection

See past your obstacles and current reality to the ultimate reality... Train your eyes to bow to your heart.

Know that you are the love and kindness you give to others, you are the beauty and strength you see in others as well.. Do not make space for jealousy~ jealously means that you have found a reflection of a piece of your soul that you have not yet allowed yourself to express or experience.

Love is abundant, but you will not feel this until you can stop hating yourself for being human.

Hold no space for excuse making, take full responsibility for your health and happiness every day, do not pass the buck to others.. Not even your family, your friends, your doctors or your government. At the same time, be patient.. Know that transformation is a process and that trial-and-error learning is our forte as humans.

Perfect yourself to live in dynamic alignment with your passions, joys, things that set you free, bring you health and a sense of inner peace/rightness.. But discard repeatedly the false concept of a sort of perfection that doesn't contain quirks, stumblings, or changes. That perfection is non-existent and it's pursuit will destroy your possibilities for happiness and wellness, as well as undermine your discovery and expression of your individual life purpose and light. 

You are never supposed to be anything other than your most raw and deepest sense of truth indicates. Ever. Please stop being afraid to be so amazing and powerful and instead make the most of your gifts and light. 

Ode To Fact

Just because I can let go
Doesn't mean the truth doesn't show
Just because I shouldn't be in my head
Doesn't mean the energy isn't being read

It just means I can let it go and be at peace
The present moment sets me free
And we have some things about which to speak
But I need not let it worry me


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Nigh agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


Reality, reality,
Preference has nothing to do with thee
I have to choose what it is you bring
That's what I'm discovering
But I can turn my mood around
There's great power in that I've also found


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Brutal, almost agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


I'll take this heart and take this light
And I acknowledge my feelings tonight
But I will believe in what I see
Which says that I am always free
So if you want me, come to me,
Or through unknown the trust will breech
Let me in, with well-placed speech
Needn't be many words, but a crucial few
Open to me and I'll give everything to you.

A Time To Be Still

Thoughts deepen
Focus quickens
Silent earth, Snowed upon
I know how you feel

I am not sad,
I am still.
I am whole but resting in a place of quiet on the edge of a massive potential storm
Potential tropical paradise

High pressure
Of cold air
Cutting through the silliness
Inviting inward resting
Coiled snake awaiting enough warmth to begin the ascent

Not without desire
But elegantly soaking in the stew of this moment
Nestled within itself

Can't you feel what you feel?
Can't you tell what is real?
No?!

So I suppose
Those that know
Are rarer than I knew

Even though,
we all feel it
For most only the dormant soul knows
And as for me
I can see
Everything
In one breath
All is contained

I can see your future
In our first days
But can you walk into it
Without fear?
Can you resist blaming me for knowing you better than you do?
Your boldness disappears
When reality holds up a mirror
I am the mirror and if you don't like what you see it is not me you have to blame

Shame that more don't commune with reality

This moment is slow
And deep and eternal
Rest before the road
Pulls me along
Once again

The art is in learning how to be still when it is time for stillness
How to be silly when it is time for silliness
How to be present more than you reminisce
How to dream a future so vividly that your imaginings form a shining rope of thought
By which you pull it into becoming real.

You Manifest what you feel
But if you do not guide what you feel
What you will find
Won't be what you desire but what you most fear

Truth above all else
But in order to hear
Once must learn to be still



Sent from my iPhone

Alone; And Not Alone

Alone; And Not Alone

by Laura Harrison

There was an inherent belief I carried with me,
that chipped away at my sanctity,
I don't understand with all the time alone I've spent,
in strength, and adventure, delight and creativity,
where or when or how it crept in again.


Its as if feeling my own beauty isn't enough if there isn't a man to appreciate it
but I don't feel that way
why did I let my mind drift that way?
Why worry about who or where or when
when I have all of this in each moment?

I have delight, and true happiness,
I have the strength of my two legs connected to the Mother Earth,
I have a son that is the sun and full of everything lovable and joyful
I have creativity, playfulness, poetry,
I have nature,
I have the wisdom and I feel that the Beloved is inside everything.

And while I welcome the day that the Beloved in the form of the partner finds his way to me,
I am no less, and I am in no hurry,
because I love what each day is bringing me,
and it is a sacrilege and ingratitude to look past the light of here and now
with dissatisfaction towards what I think should be here.

I realize the strength of independence comes from the knowledge of connection
and quietly and inconsciously it was the Feeling of The Beloved, loving me,
through me, through the air, through the trees,
through the faces and hearts of everyone I meet,
and it is he that is rocking me to sleep.
The Divine Consciousness that is the fabric of all that is,
feels like light, like the sun shinng through me with love

It is enough to be in love with myself, with my life, with Life Itself,
with the world, all living beings and the Earth,
and when the Beloved in the form of one man finds his way,
that will only add to the beauty of my days,
but I will not compromise nor pretend, for that is to lie,
and I will not pander or beg, though I am not above anyone else in worth,
I have self- respect and I have trust in the unfolding,
that Real Love does not have to be begged, borrowed or feigned.

There is no forever, but there is a conscious choice in each day,
and when the Beloved comes to love me in form of a man,
he must be my equal in all ways, and the Love completely mutual,
so Love is not love that is begged borrowed nor persuaded
and I am loved and I am loved and I know my beauty has not faded.

I do not fade because I do not let a man inside of me
and to be independent isn't a form of poverty,
I am Lover and Beloved, and life is my playground,
I am female power, I am the Mother, I am charm and grace,
and to love freely and smile, to laugh and dance each day,
there is a genuine smile upon my face..

I want what is and what will be,
but will not throw away now for the potential reality

now and the rich potential of unknown are one
and feeling the intensity of that is half the fun.

We are never alone
when we are alone
we are still with our Selves

The One Consciousness of which we are all part
is there with us in our heart.

We are never alone.
Always loved,
and all the demanding and the pointing and the longing is a role, an act, a sleight of hand

Finally, when I remember this, I am FREE!
Freedom is in wanting nothing more then this moment,
and this moment, and this moment,
sowing the seeds of our blossoming by the joyful following of our natural truth in each moment..
and feeling that rightness filled with love..
freedom..
bliss.
we are Lover and Beloved and we are never alone.

Adventure Out Of Your Comfort Zone to Stand Firmly in Your Strength

Life works best when we love ourselves.

That truth used to slap me in the face when I chronically had low self-esteem.. (ages 7-25)..

..but it is true.. if it angers you to read that, reflect for a moment on why.. is it because you have a hard time loving yourself?.... and why??.....

My mom gave up her career in her early twenties to take care of my dad, who wasn't bed-ridden, but not fully independent anyways. She lived a hard, sheltered, and lonely childhood... had a few years of freedom, and then met daddy, and loved him with her whole heart, and gave her whole life to caring for him. But she denied herself full independence. She didn't learn to drive. She didn't go on adventures. She stayed sheltered. With daddy being sick, this all has become apparent to me.. my mom's nervousness and self-consciousness makes this brilliant and charming woman scared or anxious whenever she leaves the house, worried about what others think of her and feeling wierd about trusting herself.. no freedom. I remember when I used to be that way.. its such constriction of the life energy, it's such debilitating anxiousness.. and we all have this at moments, or have battled with it more then we have ever admitted.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.  Anais Nin


It makes me thank God that I was presented the opportunities to adventure outside of my comfort zone, and that I TOOK them! We all have opportunites presented to us.. but we don't allow ourselves to rise to them.. I'm too tired, I can't do that, that's OK, no... all the excuses to stay tightly closed in our buds, we refuse to blossom until the self-hating fatigue, until the tragedy, until the natural disaster, that FORCES us to open to life and start saying YES!

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.   Anais Nin

The new and unfamiliar is uncomfortable, but is an inherent experience in learning.. if we stop learning, growing, or changing, we stagnate, and to stagnate is to begin dying. I think all the adventures, as I call them, that I have experienced over the years.

Currently, I have made a giant hospital feel like my home, instead of clinging fearfully to the known areas, I explored, and made a new mental map.. met new wonderful people, developed new understanding, and reinforced and grew my own sense of strength, independence, and confidence. This has helped me to have the fearlessness needed to hear and follow my own inner-rightness. In following inner-rightness (or heart, or intuition, or inner-truth, as I also refer to it interchangably as) I feel my connection to the Whole very strongly. It is amazing, how developing a strong, but unselfish, sense of independence, is the greatest link to connect to oneness.

Be brave, explore your world. Try new things. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Don't let yourself freeze up. Take that trip alone, learn that new skill, visit, offer, dance, live, love, love, love!

This is your life.

Foster your own strength and indepence, it's like connecting your energetic roots to the earth.. strong legs, healthy base chakra, so that the rest of your being can bloom! Stand tall, breathe, feel, respond intuitively, don't waste time overthinking. Respond from your inner-rightness.

Get out of your comfot zone for a few minutes a day to grow your self-esteem. You will start to experience the greatest miracles and blessings in your world.

Once you become strong in you life, you love yourself.. you are in love with your Self and your life.. and you won't make the mistake of compromising your Self and Truth to pander for love.. you will have the strength and delight that breathes patience into your heart to give and receive love freely and not cling, but await greater and greater levels of love and intimacy. They are coming. Magic is happening. 

with Great Love.. Laura

Strong Sense of Inner-Rightness

We don't need others to tell us what to do.. when we are confused, we need to ground and spend a little time in nature or alone, exercise or decompress.. and be patient.. keep practicing self-care,  nourishing lifestyle, and staying present, letting go, letting go, letting go..

and at first it happens here and there...

then it happens more..

and more..
until most of our time on this earth is spent with a strong sense of inner-rightness..

it is PEACE,

it is HARMONY with YOUR individual truth,

it is FREEDOM,

and it brngs BLISS, JOY, CONFIDENCE, HEALTH.

REAL FULFILMENT.

Trust inner rightness, not fear..
trust your heart,

trust the UNKNOWN, because it IS intense, but that intensity is the feeling of
INCREDIBLE POTENTIAL ENERGY.. ready to bloom,

but you can't fight it, you have to open to it,

or else your constant questioning will leave you second-guessing into missing every opportunity and beautiful experience life is brining to your hands.

FOLLOW YOU R HEART.. let go of all past, even if it hurts.. because EVERYTHING is fleeting, and love is here in the moment, even if its not from where you wished it to be coming.. and brighter and brighter experiences will come..

the more you live in integrity with your truth, the more whole your satisfaction becomes in life, and love finds you, success finds you, happiness finds you..

it takes PATIENCE to wait for the best gifts.. but each day contains mini-miracles. Stay open and they will rise to meet your eyes, and bring a smile to your lips, put the sway back in your hips, and give you everlasting joy in this world, in spite of an external circumstances.

Blessings.....

Peaceful Anarchy

Most people think of selfish anarchy, outwardly centered.  This is not the anarchy that I know and practice. Hi, my name is Laura, and I am a peaceful anarchist.

My teachers had a Guru who called himself the Anarchist Swami. Swami Nirmalananda believe and lived and taught that we should all be independent (literally inwardly dependent). We should follow our own conscience in life. That to me is the definition of anarchy- not accepting outward rule, but governing oneself in line with the truth of the heart.

It will guide us to be authentic, fully-expressed humans, that do not perpetuate harm of other beings. It will assist the full blossoming of our individual purpose and potential, while encouraging community, compassion, and respect. It fosters intelligence, a questioning attitude that leads to discovery of the broadest truth, and eliminates the blind following that destroys all goodness and evolution in the world.

It is not always easy to follow the heart (or back of your mind if you prefer it) but with practice it will not steer you wrong. Every time I have ever given myself to my heart it has always proven not just doable, but amazing, incredible, nothing short of dreams coming true in ways I couldn't have consciously planned. It requires bowing the head, the rational outlook, to the heart-felt way of life. This is the way to live life like you mean it. Why deny unconditional love? Why ignore inspiration? All brilliance, all that is ever really wonderful in the world unfolds naturally from love, from the heart, the conscience. Conscious conscience. That is the new anarchy. And in this way, I am an anarchist for life, baby! Namaste!!

Ram Dass Holiday Interview (Spirituality & Health magazine)

http://www.spiritualityhealth.com/magazine/2011-november-december/interview-with-ram-dass.html

“Better Souls than Roles:" An Interview with Ram Dass

By Paul H. Sutherland

from Spirituality & Health magazine * November-December 2011

---

Ram Dass, which means “servant of God,” was born Richard Alpert into a Jewish family in Newton, Massachusetts, in 1931. He earned a PhD in psychology at Stanford and began his spiritual awakening in the early sixties, using hallucinogens at Harvard with Timothy Leary. In 1967, he traveled to India, where he met his Hindu guru, Neem Karoli Baba, whom he calls Maharaj-ji. His most famous book is the 1971 classic on meditation and yoga, Be Here Now; his latest book is Be Love Now. Recently, Spirituality & Health columnist Paul Sutherland visited Ram Dass’s home on the island of Maui and spoke about giving and the holidays.

Paul Sutherland: What meaning does Christmastime have for you?

Ram Dass: It’s a celebration, the giving of gifts on one hand and the celebration of Christ Jesus’s birth on the other. I’m Jewish, so we celebrate Hanukkah. At Christmas, we got a tree, which was a bush (laughs). When I was a child, my peers were celebrating wildly, and I sort of didn’t know about Christmas, and so, I fell in love with Christ, fell in love with Jesus — and I am in Christ, and I didn’t know then, but I know now what Christmas is all about.

What about presents?

The giving and receiving is the tricky thing. It’s not the gift. It’s what the heart says in giving the gift, and from my point of view, one doesn’t give or receive — that’s a role we have to play. But the gift — it’s God’s gift. I think that it’s better to be souls than roles.

Roles of giving?

Right, yes. The present is two souls, come together. The giving and receiving is the way for them to come together. I think that people should give gifts by really recognizing the spiritual worth of the person and their (the givers’) own worth. You usually give a present that the other person needs or wants, and I think it just emphasizes wants and needs. Now, of course, with kids, it doesn’t matter, you know, because they want, they want, they want, they want . . .

If you think of the gifts that you’ve been given, what gift comes to mind?

At Christmas? I think I would say that the gift of the love of Jesus. That’s the best gift.

And how did you discover that?

Well, I usually go to church at Christmastime, and I’m meditating while I’m at church and usually meditating on Jesus. And it’s his love, and that’s a pretty good gift. Now I’ve gotten cigars, and desk sets, and dictionaries, and shirts — lots of shirts — and slacks, and jellies, and jams. We had a raspberry patch, and Dad likes to make raspberry jam, and that’s a big thing at Christmastime to give — to give raspberry jam.

What would be on your Christmas list today?

Spiritual books.

Which ones?

All teachers are one person. I read Rama Krishna, or I read Ramana Maharshi, and it’s just like Maharaj-ji. In fact, it’s not just Eastern, because the Christian mystics or the Jewish mystics — they’re all the same person. Well, they’re different — they have different paths up the mountain — but they’re all going to the same place. They’re all as One. When you try to differentiate — like Buddhism from Theism or something like that — it’s good for your mind, but actually, they’re all the same place. They just have different signposts. I think that it’s good for you.

When you’re climbing that mountain, what’s at the top?

Your spiritual heart, which is the One inside. It’s the little voice in the heart. The mountain isn’t external; the mountain is inside.

It’s easy to start walking up a mountain, but if it’s in here, the path is a bit obscured, perhaps?

Well, you could take many paths. You could attend to the moment. Because if you stay in the moment, the moment is not time and space. The moment is infinite. I usually like to use love, and I love everything. And that brings me to the place where I am love. You are love. And so are all the trees and the ocean and all. You get Oneness with everything — to love. Or you can, say, use energy, like Hatha yoga. Bring the Kundalini up, bringing it up gently, through the chakras. Or it can be to use the mind; read books. It’s the place at the top of the mountain, the place, and it’s not, and it’s not, and it’s not, and it’s form and it’s not form. But it’s both.

And the words make it hard to describe? Is that what you’re saying?

Yes. In fact, the top of the mountain is clouds. The clouds are in your mind.

When you talk, you talk about everything is love, and I’m wondering about your stroke and how that changed the way you see things.

I was depressed, and think that was because my faith was wavering. Before the stroke, I had a graceful life. His grace was an incredible part of my life, and then the stroke, and I said to him in my mind, “What were you doing? Where were you? Were you out to lunch or something? Because this isn’t grace.” And then he told me, “This is grace.”

So in that depression and in that state of realizing that your life had changed forever, you came through that feeling grace?

Yeah. It made suffering graceful in my life. I wouldn’t say, “You’re not suffering; it’s all grace.” No, no. I would say there was just a little change of attitude. I came around from the stroke in the hospital, and everybody said, “Oh! Isn’t that too bad — your stroke.” I sat with Maharaj-ji’s picture, and I asked, “Well, is it really that terrible?” And he says, “No.” For example, I was a long time without speech, and I was really that silence. I was just loving.

You didn’t want everybody else to be silent, just you?

No. I was giving speeches. And silence isn’t great. I realize that dependency has just a little essence thing that I had never met. It’s like when you’re on the curb in your wheelchair, and somebody comes along and asks, “Can we push you across?” and boy, it’s gratifying to get that. It’s not the push across the street, but it’s the motivation.

How do we get out of that mind that’s always sort of judging and looking at the differences and not the similarities?

The Maharaj-ji taught me that I could identify with my soul. He said, “Ram Dass, love everybody.” I said, “I can’t do that. I can’t do that” [points to his head]. He says, “Yes, you can.” Then he said, “Tell the truth.” I can do that. “Tell the truth and love everybody.” No. I can’t do that. And I kept saying no [motions to his head], and he kept saying, “Yes [motions to his heart], with your heart, and you can see the souls.” You can see the souls. —S&H

Resistance and Letting Go- who's in control here?

As we sat in the Wild Woodstock studio practicing meditation, David Life said, "Let go of everything that get in the way of that peace within in each moment."

According to the philosophy, yoga, or oneness is our natural state. Yoga's practices help us to expand our consciousness to its natural, limitless state. They help us to see all of the ways that we resist our natural state, which is described a pure consciousness and bliss. Unparallelled joy is our default state, so where is our problem, why are we resisting?

From conception we start to get confused about the source of our joy (internal), we start to pick up habits, preferences and unconscious views from our friends families, culture and other experiences. This would be fine, but we cling to our likes and run from our dislikes, and form a hard, unchanging idea about who we are, what life should be like and where happiness comes from. As soon as we solidify these ideas and cling to them, we shut out the actual reality in each moment. Our experience becomes increasingly tainted by our ideas and we no longer see the truth. We suffer in this rigid state, constantly seeking a narrow range of approved experiences, averting ourselves to any newness or challenge.

Yoga practice helps us to see and remove these filters one at a time. We make the unconscious conscious. We embrace the unknown, the discomfort of newness, and the freedom of being unattached to our preferences. We can have preferences, but if things don't go "our" way, instead of throwing a fit we instantly accept that reality, and move on consciously.

I notice my habit of being constantly in motion, sometimes beneficial and appropriate, sometimes incredibly inappropriate. It is okay when doing chores or work, but when I give in to it at the wrong times it robs me of my most precious resource- time with my son. I remind myself to stay conscious, checking, "do I need to do that now, is it beneficial to us all?" Then I try and remember when I am with my son, or at other times, "now is not the time for this- let go of everything that gets in the way of this love and peace."

We all can get pretty addicted to constantly rushing, it becomes a strong habit. It takes recognition and strong self-control to break the habit of running at inappropriate times. Recognizing when we seek busyness or distraction just for the state of it, dilligently letting go of urges, compulsions, addictions we can regain self-control, literally taking the reigns back from our habits, placing control back in the conscious mind and heart.

The Power of Yoga.. To change your perspective in daily life

A lot changed when a child is born. I knew that I was signing myself up for a challenging-yet-exquisite experience. I look at everything in life as a means to Self-realization, so my daily life, my relationship with my son, and the change I've made to care for him are no exception.

However, what I never thought about were the effects of practicing yoga formally much less then I had been. I was practicing 6 days each week pretty solid for at least 3 years, and almost everyday for 4 1/2 years when my son came. Now I rarely practice when I am not at work (due to the fact that my son needs supervision and attention), and to be an almost-stay-at-home mom, I reduced my work week to four days.

It took me a while to realize, but I really feel it on the days when I don't practice. And I don't mean just physically, although I am conscious of the compression in my spine I start to feel increasing if I don't redirect the posture properly with very frequent reminders. I mean that that sense of loving-bliss and patient resillience I have come to be is tested by the normal circumstances of life faster and faster the farther I am away from my last practice.
I am thankful for this opportunity to experience the power of daily yoga, then to have had it taken away, and to be able to feel the changes. I am aware that daily practice is incredibly neccessary if one really wants to transcend all of the pitfalls and negative habits of the human experience. If we want to be free from suffering, to live life from the still, loving center of consciousness, then getting to the point of being able to practice on our own and practicing in between classes is key.

I feel my mind heavy with junk, with sediment, and I feel the overthinking wearing me down in between sessions. I am not as loving, in fact I can fall prey to negatively perceived sensations that set off a cacade of energy blocking thoughts, actions and experiences, which drag my energy and mindset down.

Doing even 10-15 minutes of thorough sun salutations every morning, utilizing ujjayi breathing could be enough on the "in-between days". Over time, we can easily guide our own asana practice, and use group classes as a well to drink from once a week to keep us energized, creative, in-touch and on-track.

For a while I felt this slowly edging in, and I thought doing daily meditation would help clear and recenter me. Its not that meditation wouldn't work, but that for me, the difference between meditating "cold" or right after an asana practice is so profound that I have absolutely no desire to sit unless I am in the "right" state of mind, even if I have the desire to have the desire.

I think that my small, almost daily, window (a.k.a. nap-time), during which I have to fit all of the computer work that goes into running Enlighten and numerous projects, will be best used to include an asana and meditation practice on the three days each week that I don't teach classes. This is a more important self-discipline I feel then struggling to sit for ten minutes, when I can very clearly feel the alignment of my physical and energetic layers are off and need adjusting, so that the prana can flow as it should. Yes, this is what I feel, and its what you can detect with your senses too, and much more, simply by practicing yoga everyday. It may be 3 hours some days or only 15 minutes a day, but any bit helps expand your consciousness. Then there will come a time when you will know how much it takes to get yourself to the place where you are able to walk taller, meditate joyously, and live from your heart with an extraordinary amount of loving-bliss and brilliant creativity that allow you to be successful at all levels of life.

What would the perfect yoga sanctuary be like?

I have a constantly evolving inspiration for what our studio can and will be for our community. Please share what would inspire YOU and create the perfect sanctuary for recharging and recollecting the Self.

I am open to whatever it becomes, but a couple visions grip me. I see a space with wide french doors, and large screen doors opening into a meditation garden.

I see the studio as both a sanctuary and community space, a place for deep relaxation and for energizing, mobilizing and forging connections.

There are other thoughts for the future that may manifest slowly over the years... Some may manifest and others may not be for us.

Contrasting ideas emerge, one of a hip urban scene, one of a deeply peaceful ashram.

An ultra eco-modern space: studio, juice/tea bar. Nourish your body with pure water, herbal/decaf teas and select fresh juices, including wheat grass.
Sanctuary~ Maybe private relaxation rooms, available to visit anytime during hours for 30, 60 or 90 minutes of relaxing music or silence, meditation or chanting, asanas- as you wish. Just an inspiring space for you to use freely to enhance your wellbeing.
Retreat~ Maybe one guest room for private retreats...
Comfort~ soft, embracing furniture in the lobby, a hammock on the porch.

PEACE~ a meditation garden with herbs and flowers, a small pond, a little path to walk, stones or benches to sit on, communing with nature for healing and relaxation.

Energy~ Friday night Kirtans, morning, day and evening practices, even weekends. Workshops for deepening your practice physically, mentally & spiritually and using creativity as meditation.

While staying in the heart of Amsterdam is best, at least for the forseeable future, inspired by the founders of Jivamukti Yoga, I hope to buy forest lands in the name of the studio to create forever wild spaces of sanctuary for all life.

Being green and clean is a major goal as well~ solar lights outside, solar panels, led lights, minimal energy use, conserving water, no chemicals, composting/repurposing/recycling be close to zero waste...
What would the perfect yoga sanctuary in the city be like for you? Please feel free to share your feedback, it is so dear to me!
Dedicated to the inspiration, freedom and deepest joy of all~ namaste