Freedom From Body Dysmorphia

Part of becoming free for me, a major part, was finding a way to have peace inside this body of mine. It has been a long process and it seems like it's becoming increasingly subtle... The most grueling aspects seem to be behind me..

Overcoming eating disorders, looking into my experience to discover that "feeling fat" was actually just energetic imbalance remedied by lifestyle, and finding a way to allow the external layer of my body stay harmonious with my internal ocean of spirit and heart were the major tasks. The latter is the topic of reflection in this article.

In my younger years I felt tomboyish and that I was never pretty or feminine externally, although inside I felt I truly was. This rift caused me a lot of suffering.. It's the same sort of suffering felt by transgendered people, or anyone caught in living a lie and not fully conscious of it's landscape or knowing of a way to fix it.

This false feeling of being boyish and never pretty enough led me to carry an image inside my head that was entirely distorted and different from my external appearance.

Body dysmorphia: when the internal feelings and image of self are not congruent with external reality.

For years looking to rid myself of the remnants of jilted self-image, incongruency and insecurity, I became very ascetic. I also sought to take the least from earth's resources as possible, so I used it as an excuse to deny myself a lot of luxuries.

I didn't use products in my hair, I didn't use any makeup, I didn't dye my hair, I only bought second-hand clothes (except for underwear), and a lot of these principles I still utilize, but now joyfully.

I made myself go without these things and it showed me what I didn't need to feel whole. It also showed me that which I did. All of my friends had colorful and beautifully-styled hair, and wore gorgeous make-up. I tortured myself, because how could I feel beautiful standing next to them?

At the time I didn't realize that I wasn't ugly or plain, that my essence was crying out to have an external expression in line with my internal beauty and sweetness.

I am thankful for that time of simple denial, though, because I learned that I don't need much. I don't need every fancy serum and cream and make-up item and I don't need a thousand products and I don't need to dye my hair. Most of my clothing is second-hand and I wouldn't have it any other way. I use very few make-up items, I use baking soda and vinegar to wash my hair (and it's so healthy!), and very little product, if any. I have learned that all I need is exactly what I need, no more, no less, to help me to feel expressed as a beautiful soul and woman.

Sometimes we hide a subtle layer of our wounds under a label or crutch though..

And mine was the length of my hair. I no longer had to question if I was feminine, I had pretty make-up, flattering clothing that I feel good in, and long hair. I always enjoyed the look of certain short styles but when I cut my hair I'd feel like I was tomboyish again.. I had a relapse of sorts.

Well, after having my hair long for a few years, I decided to chop it spontaneously. I felt empowered. Then a day later I felt butch. Then I felt frustrated and annoyed that I did this, again... But instead of bashing myself internally or letting the latent wound-residues arising consume me, I focused on cultivating happiness with what is. In front of me is a me, with short hair. I am a playful, wise, and sweet woman with a child-like jovial personality. I am loving, feminine, and kind. I have a swing in my hips when I walk and a dance-like way of moving.

I realized that old views were arising within me, remnants of scars surfacing, when I removed the crutch of long hair.

I realized that STILL, my inner perception of appearance was not connected to how I actually look. I realized that the silent, subtle image I carried of myself inside was tomboyish, plain, and chunky. I wasn't even fully aware of this until I had cut my hair. In fact, I realized that I was stuck in a transition, where, when my energy felt good and balanced, I had an updated internal self-image that was beautiful, bright, slender and feminine. When I felt worn-out or imbalanced, that old self-image of chunky, heavy, boyish, plain and frumpy "me" was in my mind.. So subtly, like a hologram, like a ghost or whisper, it was there, tainting my every moment.

I have since practiced gazing in the mirror and seeing myself objectively. I don't fixate on subtle imperfections, but focus on my beauty. I update my inner image to see the radiance of my eyes and smile, I realize the ways that my external form is reflecting inner light. I don't get stuck, I let myself keep updating. Change is the nature of reality, energy flows like a river, never stuck unless we ourselves dam it up with debris. But I accept where I am right now, see my beauty, and will keep letting my external appearance reflect my inner river of love-consciousness.

And I have discovered that when I chopped off all of that hair, I felt energetically lighter. I used to fixate on growing my hair longer and longer, to feel more feminine and worthy. Now I realize that while I want my hair long enough to pin up if I wish, I may not grow it super long, at least not right away. I discovered that when we are highly attuned to energy, we can feel all the energy contained in the hair and it is beneficial to free ourselves of it or only carry an amount that allows us to feel whole, harmonious with our truth, and free. It should never be a burden. I am exploring a whole new view of myself and will not rush back to the complacency and safety of long hair. I will fully acknowledge this experience and distill every bit of growth from it possible.

Over the years, through trial-and-error, I learned to keep my energy balanced and body strong, and mind relaxed most of the time, even under a decent amount of stress. Parenthood upped the ante an forced me to withstand higher and higher stress levels and remain conscious and avoid slipping into old, spastic patterns of behavior.

However, there is no end to how free we can become. We can keep finding subtle holding patterns, subtle conditioned beliefs that hold us back in many ways, and choose to release them.

We are light-beings.. Energy.. And we manifested this body. It reflects our congruency with personal authenticity and it reflects our gaps between our truth and action. It doesn't lie.

We are meant to find completely freedom and comfort within the earthly clothing of this body. We are the merging, the interface, of metaphysical energy (spirit) and physical. By seeking inhibition, wellness, and wholeness, we accomplish this mission. We free ourselves of the blockages and distractions and imprisoning ideas that block us just BEING.

Your uniqueness is who you are. Your passions and curiosities are meant to be explored and expressed. Your externals are meant to reflect your internal truths. All things congruent and harmonious, you are simply a prism through which formless Spirit flows into this world of form and creates, feels, plays, experiences and enjoys, through your body. Your body is the conduit of Spirit.

It is not easy work to get free, but it is worthwhile. You can hurt, and feel the raw aches and pains of the expansion of consciousness voluntarily, as well as the incredible peaks of unexplainable bliss and ecstasy that are also part of the path... Or you can roll around in the endless agony of trying to stay stuck and small and live a lie when the entire universe conspires to catalyze your fullest expansion.

Spring Cleaning with Devo Maheshvara, or When Grown-ups Throw Tantrums

It's just one of those days.. that's what we tend to say. To me, it's been coined a "devo maheshvara day".
It happens all the time, one or all of your plans fall apart... choice one, fight it and throw a tantrum and say "no! No!" stomping your feet, or choice two, deal with the strong emotions and let it happen as it is, as opposed to trying to control it, let it show you where to go and what to do. So what do you choose?

When things are smooth, its easy enough to think the choice is obvious. And through regular practice of yoga and mindfulness, we can cultivate the opening, the surrender, the faith in one's resilience and trust in life, it takes to abruptly abandon the expectations you had and to get in line with what is. We get tested.. and we can slowly see the hissy fit in all its immature uselessness and painfully obnoxious absurdity. Yet in the moment, when you are tenderly in pain, or in the midst of intense shock, pain, heart-break, frustration, rage.. it is harder to open to it with grace. As far as we have come, sometimes the Universe will up the ante until it breaks us, because that is just what it intended to do. "How cruel!", you say? Breaking us open is allowing us to become more free, to let go of unneeded and useless burdens and to spring clean the mind/body/emotions/energy to make room for brighter, more fitting, more magnificent energies to come our way. 

Years ago I suffered a lot in my body and mind, everyday. It was hellish. And I would break down and have tantrums fairly regularly, because my patience was always worn by bareing the burden of massive dscomfort in my own body all day, everyday, and serious chronic eating disorders. So maybe a good reason to feel shitty, but never an excuse to spoil the vibes and have a useless and anoying hissy fit. Oh well, live and learn. I felt the old discomfort the other day, due to holding onto too much energy and not finding work-life balance since my stay at Albany Med with my dad. I observed it, and calmly took care of the issue, and did my thing. That felt great. The universe sought to humble me, and to remind me how far I have to go and that we are never finished, so I had my ass kicked by God yesterday.  I derive peace from getting my work done, so when I had a hard time getting out of the house early, it was building a sense of lethargy met with frustration. It kept building as I couldn't seem to get out of the house for anything. Then my phone dies.. not the battery, I mean the sucker won't turn on, it acted totally dead. I don't have the money to replace that, I'm worried about making rent in a couple days. Then I find that there is an issue with the piercing in my nose, a piercing that I love, and have zero interest in getting rid of. I can't fix it myself, and I don't have a piercest I know to trust around here. Stalemate with the out-of-alignment metal in my nose- can't get it out to fix it, can't get it in properly, and it hurts like hell, I mean, this is my tender little nose and she is hurting with all this wiggling metal in her flesh and unable to go through the hole on the other side.. that broke me.. clock is ticking I have work to do, have to get out of the house, no phone to ask a friend who I can trust to fix my nose, can't fix it myself.. BOOM! Tantrum begins.. curse words I had no interest in every again saying flowed, and not quietly.. thankfully it was only ten or fifteen minutes, not an hour or two like it used to be back in the day.. and this was by far the worst dealing I have had with stress in a very long time.. even though, I admit, when my toddler karate kicks me upside the head while we are sleeping or axe kicks me directly in my eye socket, I cuss usually only 10% of the time now, the rest of the time I breathe, release, and help him move his dangerous parts away from my sensitive ones......

But the difference this time is that the tantrum was not only short, but I witnessed it the whole time. I am friends with Devo Maheshvara, the energy of loss, destruction, removal, that governs these sorts of days. Clearing away the old husks of habits, by dredging them up, forcing us to face their ugliness or our lack of agreeance in every embodying them again, so that we can release them. And VOILA!, we have made room for grace to flow to to become lighter, freer beings for the sake of all.. but it is mainly a process.. we have to instance by instance see these things happen, witness our habits, feel the embarasment and disgust, (painfully), and choose to stop ourselves. And then, when we gain enough of a foothold to STOP, even for a moment, just stop............

and don't think anything..


and now, this is what is happening, so how am I choosing to rise to the challenge?

So I fixed the phone, by finding my back-up battery, that worked it turned on.

And I caught the intuitive vibe that with the amount of gas I had in the car, my best bet was to head towards thus and such, and after driving for an hour and passing a few spots, one little lonely tattoo shop was my last chance before I must head to work, and lo! and Behold!.. synchronicity abounded and I knew I found what the universe wanted me to. It can be painful, I mean, I literally was led by a ring in my nose on this one. ;) The piercest was amiable, sterile, professional, very modest about the money it required, and happened to be very interested in yoga, so we talked, and he will also refer clients to me. I woke up with a desire to connect with more future students. And so it was. Led by a dead phone and the ring in my nose..

I love this process usually, I consider it an adventure, the Divine leading me through synchronicity and through the objects and experiences in front of me to a profound experience. Usually I hit the resistance and the recognition that things are falling apart, and I literally supplicate and ask, often out loud, "OK, I'm on it! Let's do this! Whats the agenda, what's next?" And it is a peaceful process, full of delight and wonder. Sometimes I guess, the violence is needed to redirect me still.

Once the piercing was fixed, I was off to work, and had a beautiful evening..l was once again flooded with love and gratitude for my role in this lifetime and for the community we are creating together through the yoga studio.. it is one of my most favorite places to be in the world, and I love practicing yoga in a community setting, more then practicing alone.
And the rent that I felt was not going to be made, well down to the dollar was brought to me. Just what I needed I was given. And I was full of gratitude.


This morning I had to change my nose ring, which I was a wee bit nervous about given yesterday's debacle.. and it took a few moments and it was in. BOOM! Independence only comes with a tender balance of letting go and full acceptance of our limits and the fact that we can't control reality, but we can choose how with react to it, and therein lies our power and the art of living.

Happy Spring Cleaning!!

Love, But Not From Where You Wanted It

I cannot say enough to how much yoga practice works.. I mean the whole package, the whole process.. It is true, and proven by science, that you change the chemistry and map of your brain by what you focus on... so if you practice switching your thoughts and focus daily...

from

dissatisfaction

to

gratitude...

from

life being random and cruel

to

seeing the purposeful connections from one moment to the next...

AND
from

jealousy and fear that you won't be loved

to

feeling the unselfish love in your own heart and flowing to you...

So often we fixate on where we want the love to come from, we specify, and we are dissappointed because our ardent hope is dashed. This seems to make great sense, and it is natural.. we will feel the let down.. but if we open ourselves... you witness the fact that love isn't coming from where you wanted it, and keep your heart wide open..

I often say to myself.. "Oh well.. I am still surrounded by love, and more love is coming, just not where I wanted it to, but even greater love is coming, and will come, from the most perfect places."  I have great faith in this. Not blind faith, or frightened faith, but tried-and-true faith that comes from experiencing it over and over..

Relationships, friendships, strangers, momentary interactions and connections that last for years..

I don't try to force it or fake it.. even if you love someone and feel a soul connection, it doesn't mean its going to be a relationship.. The connection will be mutual and FULL, there will be no question or doubts when it will be such.. but the love and the discovery we experience in any soul connection.. be it a flash of eye contact and a smile from the soul in passing on the street or in the hall... a friendship.. or a romantic relationship... is ALL purposeful and helps us to blossom into our full beauty. We have to be honest with what the connection feels like..

and don't fight it or try to shape it..

because it is all purposeful and perfect,
just as it unfolds!

And all the love we need for our most magnificent unfolding into the fullness of our life-purpose and greatest fulfilment is here, and is coming, and will always come...

just at the right moment..

but not necessarily in the form or from where we wanted it.

Sometimes we need to feel alone, or handle things on our own, even when we don't want to, but it helps build independence, strength, understanding, insight, clarity and peace. But at just the right time, love comes.. and when it comes to finding a partner.. I want it more then anyone.. but I will not force it, fight it, or fake it. It WILL come, and when it does, it will be worth every false alarm, heart-break, and lonely moment.

I look at each day as an adventure.. and I feel that even in a tragedy, there can be a strong sense of inner rightness.. and again, I believe it because I feel it in my own life. I am writing this in the hospital, with my father, who is pretty sick, but doing so well in the circumstances. I have accepted that reality, and I am holding the space with vibrant love and peace, because I feel SO MUCH rightness.. that I am in the right place and this is inevitable. I am in harmony with the Universe/Reality/God, whatever you want to name it as, I am in harmony, inner rightness is the indicator.. and we all have this ability, as human beings.

And TRUST in your resilience..

And trust that your life story is unfolding..

if you can be true to your heart,

everything you ever wanted may not come,

but your every dream can come true..

it wil just be BETTER then you could've planned it yourself..

remember all the times that you've called someone that said they just picked up the phone to call you..
or you 'randomly', spontaneously end up somewhere, and bump into a friend or meet someone new that resonates with your heart and uplifts you..

..that is the stuff that builds faith in the fact that life is filled with magic, beauty, it IS a vinyasa, a purposeful arrangement to encourage us and provide us everything for our blossoming into greatness and fullness of individual potential and purpose.

Believe THAT, remember how many times tiny miracles like those have happened, and bigger ones as well, and let it keep you strong.. and know..

love is coming, it is everywhere, it is here, it is within you.. and if you open your heart, open your heart, OPEN YOUR HEART, and realize, it MAY not be coming from where you want it to, but it IS coming, and where it does come from will be perfect.. And love gets better and better and better each time.. the bigger the heart aches you've felt, the deeper the future joys will be.

Blessings!  Namaste!!

It is not the wound that hurts so much..

It is not the wound that hurts so much
by Laura Harrison


How quickly things change
how abruptly things rearrange
plans shatter
hopes scatter
and holding on to what is no longer there
or
was never there
but was so desired
is the part that burns

so many hopes
of happy returns
of something that would last
better then the past

the pain
remains
long after the memory of the disdain paid
is laid to rest
because of the fear

the fear of letting go
the fear of being free
the fear of what you know
.. although

you thought this was it
that this one would last
no matter how fresh
your wound is past

so
let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go

and you will find
that it is not the wound that hurts so much
as your fierce reluctance
to accept that your false hopes
are not reality

let it go
 and you'll be free

and for a minute there is an empty space in the middle of your heart
but if you turn your attention to living your life you'll start
to fill that space with life and love
and in no time
the wound is long gone

only time and being fully here
to the rest of your life,
not just the pain,
will bring you healing
and allow you to perservere

Painfully Lost in the Small View

Pain, loss, tragedy, frustration and embarrassment are part of our life stories, as much as growth, joy, delight, fascination, and ecstasy.

We seem to go through a spiraling pattern of evolution- bright, open, free turns and heavy, painful, withdrawn ones as well. However, pleasant and unpleasant are part of the same growth, the same path of enlightenment.
When the heavy, painful experiences are upon us, it is helpful to recall that the pain is from opening and letting go of these false or former realities that are no longer current. It is the pain of dying to the old idea of your life and who you are, and the restructuring of your view of reality in the light of new shifts and truths. Oh, that doesn't sound so bad, right? But the truth is, it is easy to get lost in the texture and terrain of the suffering when experiencing it.
The left brain/ego is concerned with past and future and fully absorbed in the up-close, individual experience. In painful experiences, it zooms in on the source of the suffering and obsesses on the tragedy of it all. It loops around over and over in the lament and agony, and feels so alive in the torment. The ego/individual self loves to affirm its own existence, because it is very insecure. It obsesses on solution and closure, even when only time and space can resolve the ache.
The solution is to spend more time in yoga practice, meditation, deep relaxation, creative expression, and in Nature, or in general in cultivating present moment awareness/mindfulness. Mindfulness is the experience connected with the right brain, it is the broad view, widening the lens of your attention, so that it no longer zooms in your suffering, but sees the suffering as only one part of your total current experience.
"Breathe, Feel everything, Let it go", I tell myself, and my students, frequently, "and respond honestly with what you experience." Honesty beckons us to let go of the unhealthy relationship, accept loss, forgive ourselves for making mistakes and to learn from them instead of beating ourselves up. Honesty makes us notice that the pain may be there, but there is also peace, there are also things to enjoy, there are also many blessings to count. Honesty reminds us that nothing lasts forever, so neither will this pain, and we can turn it into growth and personal development instead of feeling sorry for ourselves.
Its easy to sink into the heaviness of defeat, to feel sorry for ourselves, but that mood is only healthy once in each experience. Once the facts have permeated our awareness and shock is no longer necessary, the only humane way to resolve our suffering is to practice extreme self care and be present. Don't get sucked into the hole of depression, don't give in to self-pity, its like a drug. Its lazy. Its cheap. Its ugly. Instead, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go. Again, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go... And continue to move on with your healthy life.
Automatically get yourself present when you start to drift down that filthy hallway of "what if's" and reinventing the past, and other counter-factuals. "If" nothing, work on accepting Reality as it is but touching it in the present moment. Don't waste time worrying about the future, and "what will happen when..." Instead, immerse yourself completely in the moment at hand, the task at hand, the company at hand. Use self-care: take a walk, eat healthfully and not too little or too much, use techniques that bring you peace, and that bring you into the NOW.
...And an amazing thing happens.. The pain will slowly heal, like a cut heals, from the inside out.. And naturally the scab falls off, and then eventually you won't even see the mark anymore, or if you can, it certainly won't hurt, just remind you of a time and place and experience and lesson.
A story.. Part of your life story.. Not THE entire life story. So don't get lost in the close-up when you can soar above the total experience and feel so much more then just your pain.

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