Healing My Root Wound~ The Unseen Little Girl

The root wound is the initial and underlying wound in this current lifetime that provides a major impetus to seek growth, evolution and eventually, to discover one's life purpose. This wound tends to be the underlying wound aggravated by all other wounds, the place one is offended or riled up.  It can subconsciously drive and alter one's actions until it is discovered, acknowledged, excavated, processed, and finally healed.

There are truly only so many root wounds, like archetypal karmas, the major wound(s) we are dealt in our formative years help us to discover our strengths by facing and working out our weaknesses. It provides an opportunity to decide to believe in ourselves, and to make choices about what we are willing to accept in life. It helps us to set boundaries, to see what we truly want in our lives, and to appreciate the people we have that are worth cherishing. Surviving abuse and trauma gives us a matrix through which to develop our sense of self, even if it is often a painful process.

For most of us these wounds fall into a few basic types: being alone/unseen/unsupported, being trapped/controlled/smothered, being abused emotionally or physically or tortured, and any combination thereof. I'm sure there are more, but these are the most basic underlying wounds.

For me, my wound is being unseen and unsupported and thus feeling alone.

With the ending of a powerful but short relationship recently, I have come to a place, not just of recognition of this lifelong wound, but being able to touch its face, to truly feel its influence within me, and to glimpse back at the underlying feeling of its presence at each stage of my life so far. I am doing everything in my ability to process it, and let it heal. I think because of its nature, once processed, it will truly heal with the ability to not only continue being happy and satisfied with my own company and by living in integrity with my truth, but in being able to do that while forming deeper connections with others, especially a male figure...

~

In my life story, I have always deep down loved my own heart. I know my own value and beauty. I know that I am a precious, feminine, strong but sweet soul. I am unique, and never was interested in falling in line, but would rather walk to my own beat and live on my own terms. However, because of being so different, born as an only child into a family that was always emotionally withdrawn into their own internal battles, I was always the little girl on her own.

Even when I had good friends, even with my own family, my moments of true connectedness were fleeting because of the underlying feeling of disconnect.

I developed my individuality more deeply through this feeling of individuality and often aloneness. I know how to spend hours happily without anyone else's company. I can walk into any situation comfortable. I know what I like and what I don't, I love adventure, I am not afraid to try things and stumble.

But what of the disconnect, what does and did it mean and where is it leading??

Although I know my beauty inside and out, and always felt sweet, special, and bright, because I never knew what it was to be truly seen, soul to soul, truly recognized and given FULL attention, I became wildly insecure on the surface. I never fit in, which is very common for creative & authentic beings in a society and school culture that encourages conformity and making waves. Being sensitive to energy, and highly empathetic, without knowing it or what it meant or how it works, also gave me a layer of discomfort to deal with, that I projected onto myself.

Not being seen made me lonely. I never felt complete bonds with people around me, like I saw in other people with their siblings, parents and best friends. I always felt some distance, however unspoken. Besides not being seen, I never had consistent supportive male energy in my life. Never. Absolutely not pat of my life story this time, not yet at least.

Energy comes in yin and yang, female and male wavelengths, and the two together are like perfect compliments, setting each other off in the best of ways. We crave this naturally, and if we don't have healthy connections with both kinds of energy, it really causes us unrest. It doesn't need to be a sexual relationship like we are fooled into thinking: daddy's little girl, momma's little man, siblings, best friends, as well as romantic connections satisfy this need of yin to be balanced by yang.

The root wound is both a gift and a curse: it catalyzes your discovery of you individuality and forces you to grow in order to end you suffering and become free. It also is a sneaky weak-point that will manifest itself in every situation, manipulating your actions and desires; powerfully while it is unconscious, and then with diminishing force as it is revealed and healed gradually.

The relationship I had recently was filled with awakenings and finally, a truly equal and clear feeling of connection with male energy, I felt like I had my perfect compliment in that partnership. Finally experiencing that level of connection, eye to eye, heart to heart, soul to soul, revealed to me just how uneven and out of balance my previous connections were. It brought a lot of more subtle variations of my underlying wound of abandonment and being unseen to the surface, and with his generous outpouring of loving support, I was able to see how these wounds were stuck in my heart and body subtly, and release them.. through tears, through acknowledgment, and through simply being held- supported, fully, where I had never been before.

In fact, right when I came to the point where I wasn't in such a state of extra neediness, when I came to a pretty steady state and was ready to start fresh with a new, more even balance in that beautiful relationship, it as ended. Right when it was about to begin as an equal partnership. Gone.

My best friend, my equal partner, and the only equally conscious & steady male energy I feel I had possibly ever had in my life. Male nor female, I had never felt THAT level of clear connection with another being; loving of each other for even the subtlest details, seeing every particle of each other's soul and consciousness so naturally and celebrating it with such high vibes and feelings of real oneness- the level of connection that I had always longed for and knew existed but never had quite found. I was truly SEEN, and completely this time; a new level of vulnerability and partnership that I had never quite experienced. My soul was ecstatic and it felt natural and right. And  now it was gone. The story of my life, so far. NOT the story line I will continue on, but it definitely reflected my root wound AGAIN.

Abandonment. I WAS seen, finally, but no longer. NO male supportive energy in my life.


Its a process working on such a long-term wound.. it takes work in layers, and we can only work as far into it as we can reach at any given time. So as our consciousness expands, so does our ability to heal that ancient wound.. disempower its ability to control our actions and desires..

So with the loss of that special relationship, I have suffered deeply.

I don't question my beauty in all ways, in fact, I LOVE being who I am, I am so comfortable in my own skin, that the vast majority of my time I am blissfully delighted to be able to slink around this world in this petite and feminine form. I LOVE to be me, and furthermore, I truly like spending hours to myself, even alone in a crowd. Happy!! So my suffering didn't come from the rejection itself. I know my worth.

At first it was the preciousness of this individual connection that haunted me. How can we be that rich in love that we can afford to slaughter one of the deepest soul connections imaginable?! I know from experience that when the universe brings such a connection, the one who embraces it and protects and cherishes it, will receive an even deeper one if the other partner decides to throw it away, so I know that I am covered. But this relationship, in many ways, was truly special. Why kill it before it really got off the ground?? When it ended, it was with mutual respect and kindness. All the more precious...

I usually don't take more than a week or two to accept that something is over and get past it, because I know love will find me, and I refuse to accept less than being truly cherished. But this one keeps haunting me, and coming back in waves. Tearing my soul apart. Why?!

Good question.

What the hell does the universe want with me? I am moving on with my life, working on myself, working to heal and actively let go, generally VERY present, VERY grateful, very open to the adventure in each day, with a very loving heart.

So why is this so rough?? Why does it keep coming back and trying to kill me from the inside?

Last night, when I thought I was past the worst and pretty much done with it all, the pain swelled up into unbearable levels. The tears burst out, the pain devoured me, and I let my heart break open again, to expand beyond the pain, and swallow it. Its like fighting for your life- or your happiness and freedom at least.

And then after some riding, nature time, crying, driving, crying, sitting by the river alone for a gorgeous sunset and firefly-filled dusk, and crying some more and settling, it dawned on me.

I didn't finish my work on my root wound with him, I just started it. This isn't about losing him or our individual connection anymore.

This is my root would begging for healing. Time to dig deeper. Hey, maybe I can go all the way this time...

I have come so far in these 33 years of life.

I have learned that I shine brightly, so I should never suppress that, whether I am alone or in a crowd, whether I am well-received or ignored or even despised, I am glamorous, friendly and full of loving-charm and kindness. I will not tone that down. And even if no man sees how gorgeous I look, how graceful I am, how my hips sway when I walk, I KNOW it, I SEE it, I FEEL it, and it fills me with love, to love BEING, to love being alive. God-consciousness is the fabric of all that is, so if I see it, the Universe sees it, and that is enough.


No one is perfected, and I am a work in progress, however, I have the ownership of my uniqueness pretty well down. I have the comfort I my skin, I have the ability to be alone and not lonely. But we are not here JUST to perfect individuality, but equally to realize oneness through resonant connections, sacred partnerships, and real service to each other, one heart to another.

I have a really beautiful and sacred bond with my young son, and part of my healing is to have an open and deep relationship with him. That is major blessing in my life, something so precious that I cannot even put it into words.

I spent the first 33 years of my life feeling only partial connections with others, and only fleeting moments of pure soul to soul connection with egos in the way.

I have now found many female mirrors of consciousness, where we can really have profound moments of love-consciousness loving itself through two forms. My students and I will reflect love-consciousness at each other too, in some really beautiful moments. But on a truly personal and enduring level, I have precious female luminaries that come in and out of my life like fireflies, but no consistent deeply resonant male energy. It seems to be the missing part, the part of the wound that hasn't healed. I can find female connections, but as for that deeper, balancing interplay between male and female energy, THAT is hard to find, and when it comes, they haven't been able to hold a place in my life, they seem to need to run away from the intensity of the light formed in the powerful alchemy of male and female merging in a truly sacred way.   

~

I think that the next stage of my life is all about taking that unadulterated individuality of mine, and exploring relationships of all sorts. Without compromising my worth or truth, how can I create soul-deep bonds.. and especially with male energy.

I am a simple person and an empath, so don't get me wrong, I need my alone time and plenty of it to remain balanced and healthy. If I spend time with people I know too much, I get drained. Or too much time in crowds of strangers.. I also need that vibe of oneness, I need to feel my individuality in the crowd of the whole, and I am nourished by the potential energy of connection in the crowds. I keep most people at arms length in my daily life so that I have a sanctuary to retreat into to recharge and move, breathe and live on 100% my own terms.  

I have a deep pull, perhaps to heal my root wound, and to fulfill my life path in this lifetime, to eventually find that male counterpart... and though it takes openness and work, create a relationship together that gives us the support and freedom to be purely individual and at the same time feel completely loved, cherished, and connected to another, and thus the whole.

I cannot force this into being and it is a choice made by both individuals. Even when married, it is a choice made in the daily- choosing to uphold the love and defend it from the bad habits of the mind in stress, defend it from deterioration by choosing to reconnect and fall in love over and over again, choosing to remain vulnerable to each and to open more fully into that over and over again, instead of closing, which is easier, but emptier and choosing to love each other every step of each other's individual discovery, which means getting each other's backs in good times and bad, and sometimes having to watch each other suffer and be able to do nothing about it but be there with love.

It'll come when it shall, and I am all for it when it finally does.

But what I have learned from coming this far into healing my root wound of being unseen and alone and unsupported by male energy is this~

-I don't care how good it feels to have that male energy in my life, I will not settle for less than an equal and incredibly profound, soul deep connection, and if he cannot be an equal partner in all ways, its gotta go. I REFUSE to ever waste my time trying to open someone's eyes to my goodness and the depth of our connection. If he can throw it away, he doesn't deserve it. End of story. My love is NOT a burden and I will not waste it on a man who acts like it is. Never again.

-I'd rather be alone or despised from a distance for opening my arms and spinning and giggling in the park all by myself than surrounded by false friends or people that I don't resonate with. Quality over quantity. Always and forever. I will be me and be tight in my integrity, no matter what.

-Until resonant and complimentary male energy comes along, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. I will play, I will be glamorous, I will go to shows, I will dance. Once that complimentary male energy comes, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. But I will slowly let myself make a bond, IF he shows himself to truly be my equal, including in his openness to true love and partnership. I will be me, and I will let myself become vulnerable slowly and I will let myself be supported when I need it, but I will let him show me and prove to me that he is my equal.. not just for a few weeks or few months.. I will believe it when I see it, and actions speak louder than words. Falling in love is not enough, I need a partner whose choices and actions with uphold that love, defend it in all ways, and embrace it without fear or trepidation. I will not give him the credit of being my equal until I see it for myself and see it truly maintained for a bit of time. No more handing out status based on the connection itself or the love itself- are you man enough to cherish and openly own our love and relationship? Are you man enough to hold this love sacred within your heart, mind and life?  Okay then!  ...and if you are willing to give me up, and are okay with losing me, I am not okay with you, because this is not what I was looking for. I am not looking for a lesson, a transient partner, something temporary or fleeting; I am not looking for a client to heal, and I am not looking for training wheels. I am looking for my equal; someone that knows how to love and knows that the grass doesn't get greener than me, and our love- one who knows how to savor life and live fully, because life and love are what we make of them.  

-Relationship is sacred and part of my spiritual practice as an individual, not separate at all. Oneness and individuality are a fluid interconnected part of the fabric of who we are and all that is.

-I will not motivate myself out of loneliness or shameless desire for (male)attention. Only my own desire for balance and inner rightness/intuition shall guide me. If I draw eyes because I am bright and amazing, so be it. But even if I don't, I'm still going to shine. No holding back, no pandering for attention.



So in the meantime... no, there is no meantime.. its my life.

I will cherish those that TRULY SEE my soul, even for a moment here and there, and I will continue to be a seer and celebrator of the souls of others. I will form real connections where they exist.

And if I am not seen by others, I am seen by my Self, and thus the Universe, and that is enough. If I have no male support in my life, which is the aspect that is REALLY missing, I will not settle.. The yin will find its perfect yang in due time. I shall keep believing. Its more than possible, its on its way.

I will never settle.

I am beautiful, seen or unseen, and I will never doubt that again. It's time to make that a solid state of being and way of life, for good.  

You Can Find Yourself Anywhere

I can find myself anywhere.

 

I can find myself in any situation, in any hardship. I can find myself when I am very ill, or in severe heartache. Sometimes, I can find myself more easily when I am weakest. I can find myself in ecstasy and ease. I can find myself when I am destitute, and when money flows like water. I can find myself when I am lost, in fact, getting lost is exactly the way to find yourself.

How can I do all of these things? How can I find myself, be myself when my hair is gone, or body dying, or mind is lost to everything familiar?

I have not cast my anchor in the material. I have not decided that all I am is my physical body. I know that all I am is not a mental experience. I have transcended these things, because I know that I am the consciousness witnessing all this, the artist observing the world and the intricacies of this role, this life story. I am participating fully, and I have manifested this mind and body, these situations through which I birth my consciousness, and it is my job to listen to the inner flow to guide me naturally in allowing mind and body to truly reflect my innermost Self, my soul. 

You are the light that pours trough your eyes, the witness of the heart that cries, you are the love shimmering playfully and curiously, you are the passion and creative urge. 

Everything else is real, but in order to know yourself, you must know that this isn't 'chicken or egg', your energy/soul causes all else to manifest, and changes made in the physical impact the expression of that soul in this world of form, but do not tarnish the essence.

No matter how many times you fail, your consciousness is still within you awaiting the return of your mind and body and heart into alignment with it. It never holds a grudge. You either are functioning partially or fully aligned. Spirit never dies, need changes, isn't corrupted by this one life story. 

So be fearless in living your truth, guided by your sense of inner rightness and you will be a free person walking in this world. Your consciousness/soul will shine through you unimpeded and you will be as a being of light in a world of darkness. Your joy as you taste all the flavors of life without restraining yourself from your authentic shine will illuminate the truth within others. If it is too intense for them, let them step out of the way. All free beings recognize each other, even if they only have moments of true freedom. It begins this way.

This is not just philosophy. This is pure direct experience speaking. If I can do this, anyone can, if they just make an effort and get out of their own way. 

It requires trust, bravery and diligence. It requires patience and a loving heart. It requires the cultivation of simple pleasures and child-like joy. You have what it takes, because you are human. 

Namaste.

The Phoenix Cycle of Life

Sometimes your entire world has to crumble, fall apart, in order to usher in a completely new chapter of your life.

If you get stuck in the externals, you will suffer and spin in an endless loop of pain and self pity... Fixating on the pain itself which only serves to prolong it...

Instead, try opening yourself completely to the pain.. Mourn fully the death of the old you, old dreams, old works view and expectations of how your life would be.

What happens when the funeral pyre cools and only ashes remain is noting short of a miracle.. 

You are lighter, freer; and now, eyes seeing clearer, you are receiving a completely new set of potential energy that is even more in line with your ultimate happiness, dreams and purpose. Welcome the new truth with your whole heart and trust in your own resilience completely. You can handle anything life gives you, and with an open heart that uses the sense of inner rightness as a compass, only better and more authentic realities will be allowed to manifest. Still, it hurts to let go, even if you know it's right. Don't deny it, and don't imprison yourself there at that painful cusp~ let yourself mourn in order to transcend.  Keep flowing always...

Sometimes, you have to die to everything before you can awaken to the next degree of freedom. 

Labels & inspiration

Make sure that the labels you use to describe or define yourself are in service of your sense of rightness, inspiration and freedom. They should not constrict, crush or detain you in any way. Remember who is in charge of your inner world.. You are in full control of where you let yourself dwell internally. Take control. Don't linger in or feed thoughts, feelings and attitudes that bring you heaviness, insecurity or depression. Discard that garbage. And also throw away labels that prevent your expansion and vibrant self-esteem.

Labels can be used to help you to keep growing, feeling positive and inspired to continue on your path of persona authenticity and enhancing/following your sense of inner-rightness. Use them wisely! 

Good News & Bad News About Pain

I wish I had better news than this: that you will hurt, intensely, in this life; you will realize truths that break your heart and that of others; you will lose people and situations that once defined you and provided great comfort; you will feel agony tear apart your insides; you will feel completely lost; you will question this life, your purpose, and your worth; and you will be brought to your knees in submissive surrender due to deep pain more than once. You will be cracked open like a shell beaten on the rocks at the seashore..  

The good news is this: that these states of intense suffering are acute and transient; that they happen in order to slough away dead layers of your identity and worldview that are keeping you small when you are actually destined to be great; that being lost is the only way that you can let go of enough preconceived ideas to realize new truths; and that when your shell finally cracks open you will know yourself to be the precious pearl and not the cumbersome, dingy armor you were afraid to remove yourself. 

Surrender in the spiritual sense is not weakness or giving up~ it is the release of pig-headed adherence to ideas that are no longer reflecting reality; it is the cessation of swimming against the current of life because you stubbornly feel it is "supposed to" flow the way which you thought it should; it is the acceptance, albeit reluctantly, of absolute truth over lies and delusions.

Surrender and the letting go that allows it mark the beginning if freedom. Without those false concepts and sterile expectations, and heavy ideals, not based in heart but in conditioned belief, it is like setting down cinder blocks that you had been carrying around for as long as you can remember. 

Set them down, and don't fear pain. Don't fear what you feel, no matter how intense. And no matter what your story has been this far, have absolute faith in your own resilience, your own worth, and your own ability to feel passion. 

Reverential Playtime

So the trick is that every moment counts, not just when others are watching. There is no practice run, this is your life. This is all sacred, Spirit doesn't just live in a special building. You can't hide from the truth of your choices in any moment and they will create your life. Make the best choices you can with the cards that you are dealt.

And never forget, in every moment, your challenge is to worship this life, the Divine spark that is the light in every pair of eyes you see, the light of the sun.. It's ALL Sacred.. And at the same time, with your walls up, your fear & rigidity, what favors do you do the world? With your rules and regulations binding your energy ever tighter.. You constrict, negate, and destroy everything that is naturally you. It is your joy and appreciation of the beauty everywhere, in your child-like laughter and unbridled loving delight, in fearlessly loving without considering risk or possible loss that we are truly alive. 

You aren't here to be a worker drone. 

You are here to do what makes your soul shine and heart burst in inspiration. Every time, that is your truth. 

Sacred and light-hearted, you are changing the vibration of this world. We need more love, honesty, generosity, respect, and creativity. Bring it. Be it. 

Yoga Is..

Yoga practice isn't just exercise.. It is about open observation, that allows one to see (by feeling) what resonates with the inner rightness.. To learn to trust in what feels right and good and let go of all that feels tangled and wrong.. 

Yoga practice clears the slate so that we are free of our past.. 

Allows us to put the tangled knot of energetic, mental and emotional yarns down..

And when we pick it up as we leave the mat, we are more clear, the space has allowed it to loosen, and we are lighter. 

We are not our troubles, or the fearful grinding in our heads.. We are the loving-silent light that shines through the eyes and senses into this world, we are the soul that witnesses and delights and mourns in this brief merging of matter and spirit..

...dancing in and out of lifetimes...

Particles and consciousness knowing each other in arrangement after arrangement, and revering the beauty of each other's prism (body & life shape).. Like magnets playing in metal filings, arranging and rearranging intricate plays to stretch the limits of the infinite interface of metaphysical and physical. 

Dare you get stuck in just this current role and story, remember that you are an energy that is neither created nor destroyed, only changing in form. You are the actor, not the play. 

Yoga resets our clarity and connection to the part of us that is untarnishable and beyond this one trip in the world. Set your anchor in what is transient, you will suffer greatly, overwhelmed and confused.. Set your anchor in your consciousness, and you will know your truth without fear again.

How We Need Structure to Be Free...

Dear Beautiful Universe;

Many of us have issues with constraints..

Limitations.. deadlines... relationships... parameters...

And many on the path believe so ardently in living in the present moment that they don't want to impose any structure in their life, make any plans, or dream too much..

But what I have learned is this:

Structure can be constraining and imprisoning, if it is contrived.. if it is imposed as a rule, and not as a reflection of the truth revealed in the stream of life itself, it chokes off and prevents freedom.

The biggest way we get caught in the trap of unhealthy limitation is in adhering to labels and a concept that comes along with them.. I'm vegan, I'm Catholic, I'm diabetic, I'm single.. what are we buying into when we let something that is meant to be helpful to our understanding of life experiences and who we are control us? This reminds me of when I see my students reaching out of alignment to use the yoga blocks where they are- who is serving who here??

On the mat I teach that there is a foundational structure, rooting into the earth from the third chakra downward, we tighten and tone those muscles for support.  By creating that matrix, that structure, we consciously guide the flow of life energy through the body, instead of letting it haphazardly fall where it may.

I am an advocate of remaining connected to the present always, in communion via the sensations of the body and emotions, but I do not believe that all structure constrains, nor does laying down energetic groundwork for your inspirations to manifest in the future deter one from this connection to here and now. I have found that intelligently and consciously utilized structure liberates, as long as it emanates from one's experience, and is allowed to evolve as the present truth indicates. Structure is meant to serve your freedom, to direct the flow of energy to liberate you, NOT to stifle you.

Daily rituals and routines should not limit you, but follow the natural flow of your energy and inspiration and make best use of it, even amplify it.

A big part of getting free to be authentic and thus stop suffering is to question everything, to look at everything in barest most open observation and see if it is serving the flow of your consciousness and creative expression into this world.

Dreams are necessary, or else we drift unfocused and waste our potential.  We have to balance inspired flowing and floating with just a touch of conscious direction so as to manifest the visions we see in our hearts.  However, the gap between points A & B are filled with so many unknowns, and the eventual outcome may look nothing like how we saw it.  Yet, its our vision that takes us there, one moment at a time.

We cannot be free is we let ourselves flow into eddies and get stuck in dead-end cycles.  Like a bonsai tree is shaped, we shape our lives by the choices we make and the actions we take.  This is a receptive activity that we must find, as it cannot be all passive.

Contemplate this.. where you can implement inspired structure to get you past your roadblocks and stagnant times, and when that slowed-down feeling arises again, change the structure.

DO NOT get so caught in the trip of structure that you forget that you are in control of your happiness in the moment. You are free.. you just let layer upon layer of "should" and "should not" stand in your way. If it isn't harmful to another and arises joyously out of your heart, it is good and right and nothing should stand in the way. You are your inspiration. You are your passion. You are everything that you truly admire in the world! You just need to get out of your own way. 

Much love. ;) ~Laura  

Never Settle

I want to get down on my hands and knees
and put my head to the earth
Crying happy tears,
Crying thank you, and please!!
For in all of my searching no man has seen my worth

But you

You do
-


For all I have given
I have never been seen
I've been sought, taken and forsaken
One too many times
And I refused to abide

I didn't make the rules to game
But I took the reigns
And sent them away
-I no longer wanted to play


Worthless sentiments
And condescending compliments
Walking on eggshells
Men with no honor
Patting me on the head
Empty heads, lights out,
Checked out, soul hidden behind a wall
Doesn't matter what that soul looks like
If they choose to bury it behind brick and mortar
In a basement, dingy dark and stairs steep
It's they who choose to sleep
Refuse to keep
Integrity

They made me sick
They made me tired
But I forced myself at the worst of times
To never abandon my desire..
For what I deserve

I may have stayed longer than I should've
But I did know how to let it go

I fought with everything to preserve
My sanctity
My faith
In my own heart
And in life

And I have won
-

So to you all
I say

When you are the most sick and tired,
When you no longer wish to play

Walk away.
And hold on...

Not to the users, the abusers
Weak-willed & hypocritical
Living in hypotheticals
Taking
Draining you

Love is not love
That suffocates

Do not negate
Your value
For a half-manifestation
Close but no cigar
You've come too far
In your life
To resign to tolerate
Horrible treatment
Don't settle.

Walk away
And hold on.

Never settle.

I'd rather sleep alone
Than with a poser or a prick
People pretending to be so conscious
Afraid to look in the mirror
They make me sick

Don't waste your time
With one who refuses to grow
And you had better face the mirror
Face the music
Do the work
Walk your talk

Strive to uphold your integrity
Live your life, follow your inspirations
And don't worry

And never settle..
And your day will come..

One
Worthy
Of
Your love.

Manifestation

Consider now, sweet one,

What is it that you truly want?

What life do you feel fit for,

What life is truly yours, worthy of your soul?

-

What do you feel, when you close your eyes?

What do you truly desire?

What pulls at your soul like gravity,
And sends tremors to your bones?

What pulls at you, like your heart will burst out?

What excites you, rouses you from a dead sleep, with lightning coursing through your veins?

That which sustains
Is not so much the sustenance of food
But the ambrosia of love and inspiration...

Life is worthless without love,
Without creativity,
Without the dance of energies,
Without synchronicity...

No fortune can buy true inner peace.

-

So what can you not live without?

What tears at your heart, makes you brave enough to banish doubt?

What makes you love so passionately that risk is undaunting?

-

Prayer is not the cardboard, faithless lip-service most pay

But the feelings you allow to play

Within your own heart and mind

So if you fear freedom,
Fear success,
Self-sabotage,
That is the life you'll find.

-

Prayer is not the words you speak,

But the passions you seek

Through the visceral feelings you keep.

Mind the feelings you allow to permeate

Don't allow those that deviate

From the reality you seek to create.

-

Fears, deprived of your energy, will begin to dissipate

So mind what you provide harbor,

It will become your home.

Feel the full passion of your inspirations,

Build your life upon that foundation.

Ode To Fact

Just because I can let go
Doesn't mean the truth doesn't show
Just because I shouldn't be in my head
Doesn't mean the energy isn't being read

It just means I can let it go and be at peace
The present moment sets me free
And we have some things about which to speak
But I need not let it worry me


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Nigh agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


Reality, reality,
Preference has nothing to do with thee
I have to choose what it is you bring
That's what I'm discovering
But I can turn my mood around
There's great power in that I've also found


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Brutal, almost agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


I'll take this heart and take this light
And I acknowledge my feelings tonight
But I will believe in what I see
Which says that I am always free
So if you want me, come to me,
Or through unknown the trust will breech
Let me in, with well-placed speech
Needn't be many words, but a crucial few
Open to me and I'll give everything to you.

Poison As The Antidote

It's time
I see
I didn't know
I needed to release
Until the poison
Seeped deeply
Wicked up
inside of me
I resisted
Unrelentless
In my Pursuit
Of the truth
I strived
To stay alive
And learn I did
Survive I did


I let the acrid
bitter
Bitchiness
Scour off the shell
I can't blame
it all
on the boys
In men's clothing
But their loathing
Was toxic
To an extraordinary degree
Slowly eating away
At my bliss
and
Stripping me
Of my freedom
By strapping
Cinder blocks
Of heavy cynicism
And the judgement
of their insecurity
On my delicate
Loving
Form

But
It wasn't theirs alone
it dragged
Old scars
up
from the well
From many moons
Many lifetimes ago

The heaviness
That I once endured
And fought so hard
To become pure of
A Renaissance
Of joy and ease

And their heavy hands
Shattered
My delicate figurine form
Ridiculed my grace
And pushed me down
So that they could feel strong
When we were
Face to face

Sometimes you don't know
Until you are ill
When someone doses you slowly
And out of love
You drink your fill
It can take many years
Before you see
That "the one I loved
Was poisoning me"

So the lead you
We're pouring
Down
My throat
When I was
Asleep
Was not enough
To kill me
And
Not enough to keep
Me from opening
my eyes
And
From learning to rise
Once again

And I used
It to learn
How to become
Even
More free
And how to
More sharply attune
To my reality

I watch myself
And though
I was graced
To keep it
Mainly
At
Bay

I feel the bitter
Chunky
Vomitus
Energy
Pouring out of me
I choke on the bit
Like sawdust and sputum
Violently bitter..

The sway of my hips
My sweetness of tone
My kind, loving gaze
My joy when alone
My peace
My smile
My acceptance

I am slowly floating back to the surface
To the light of me
Back to my beauty
Again I can breathe

You stole my peace
But I used it to purge past wounds
I harbor no regret or ill will
But Your venom now
is just your own

I am once again at home
In my heart
In my life
Clearer
Than before

I will have bled
The rotten black sap
Viscous and viscous
Out of my soul
Until there is no more
I have survived
And used
Your poison
To heal
And set me free.

And
Never again
Will I
Let another
Poison me.





Sent from my iPhone

Adventure Out Of Your Comfort Zone to Stand Firmly in Your Strength

Life works best when we love ourselves.

That truth used to slap me in the face when I chronically had low self-esteem.. (ages 7-25)..

..but it is true.. if it angers you to read that, reflect for a moment on why.. is it because you have a hard time loving yourself?.... and why??.....

My mom gave up her career in her early twenties to take care of my dad, who wasn't bed-ridden, but not fully independent anyways. She lived a hard, sheltered, and lonely childhood... had a few years of freedom, and then met daddy, and loved him with her whole heart, and gave her whole life to caring for him. But she denied herself full independence. She didn't learn to drive. She didn't go on adventures. She stayed sheltered. With daddy being sick, this all has become apparent to me.. my mom's nervousness and self-consciousness makes this brilliant and charming woman scared or anxious whenever she leaves the house, worried about what others think of her and feeling wierd about trusting herself.. no freedom. I remember when I used to be that way.. its such constriction of the life energy, it's such debilitating anxiousness.. and we all have this at moments, or have battled with it more then we have ever admitted.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.  Anais Nin


It makes me thank God that I was presented the opportunities to adventure outside of my comfort zone, and that I TOOK them! We all have opportunites presented to us.. but we don't allow ourselves to rise to them.. I'm too tired, I can't do that, that's OK, no... all the excuses to stay tightly closed in our buds, we refuse to blossom until the self-hating fatigue, until the tragedy, until the natural disaster, that FORCES us to open to life and start saying YES!

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.   Anais Nin

The new and unfamiliar is uncomfortable, but is an inherent experience in learning.. if we stop learning, growing, or changing, we stagnate, and to stagnate is to begin dying. I think all the adventures, as I call them, that I have experienced over the years.

Currently, I have made a giant hospital feel like my home, instead of clinging fearfully to the known areas, I explored, and made a new mental map.. met new wonderful people, developed new understanding, and reinforced and grew my own sense of strength, independence, and confidence. This has helped me to have the fearlessness needed to hear and follow my own inner-rightness. In following inner-rightness (or heart, or intuition, or inner-truth, as I also refer to it interchangably as) I feel my connection to the Whole very strongly. It is amazing, how developing a strong, but unselfish, sense of independence, is the greatest link to connect to oneness.

Be brave, explore your world. Try new things. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Don't let yourself freeze up. Take that trip alone, learn that new skill, visit, offer, dance, live, love, love, love!

This is your life.

Foster your own strength and indepence, it's like connecting your energetic roots to the earth.. strong legs, healthy base chakra, so that the rest of your being can bloom! Stand tall, breathe, feel, respond intuitively, don't waste time overthinking. Respond from your inner-rightness.

Get out of your comfot zone for a few minutes a day to grow your self-esteem. You will start to experience the greatest miracles and blessings in your world.

Once you become strong in you life, you love yourself.. you are in love with your Self and your life.. and you won't make the mistake of compromising your Self and Truth to pander for love.. you will have the strength and delight that breathes patience into your heart to give and receive love freely and not cling, but await greater and greater levels of love and intimacy. They are coming. Magic is happening. 

with Great Love.. Laura

Stronger and With A New Song

 

Stronger and with a new songby Laura Harrison


All spinning on our own paths, I see that you are busy,
I understand that fully, but when I do talk to you I'm dizzy,

When we first met I couldn't see, but I see now it is the lack of truth in your touch,
I don't know that it is even conscious, or if you even feel that much.


Once again I feel alone, but it is mostly my own fault,
because I put my faith in other's actions, instead of in the present by default.

I told myself stories dressed in others' clothes,
it was my own mind that turned the yes's to no's.

That is part of this result, but I didn't create it all,
I can feel what is felt and upspoken, and THAT started the thought-squawl.


you never said you were good for me, I just hoped that you'd be,
but once again my ideas were wrong, but yet not too distant from reality.


When my image of what I had fades and reality sets in like stone,
I feel sobered, and embarassed, and I want to find my way home.

Yet I can't be so hard upon myself, because this is the process,
waking up takes time and patience, dilligence and forgiveness.

And just because it didn't mean what I wanted it to,
doesn't mean what it actually was wasn't true..
it wasn't a mistake to think too much of you.

If I wasn't so taken, mistaken, shaken,
If I didn't let my heart break then,
I wouldn't have been opened up, wouldn't have grown.

I wouldn't have been shown,
and never would have known,
I would still suffer believing in that lie. 

As the falsities crash, shatter like glass,
There is a hot, stinging slap to my heart,

A dark vaccuum in my chest,
a deep and painful unrest,
but when the tears dry, I am freer and I,
see clearer then ever before.
Sadness leaves, and happiness returns to my door. 

The sun shines brighter,
and I am so much lighter,
and so I continue on...

Stronger and with a new song.

The Purpose of Suffering.. or at least one of the positive purposes it serves

What I have seen in my life, coming into sharper and sharper focus, is that fact that suffering has many positive purposes. Granted, if we all always suffered severely, we would probably just want to die and give up on this whole physical plane thing, but suffering comes and goes in cycles like anything else.

Generally, suffering comes from resistance, fear, and destructive/loss cycles of life... times when we lose something or someone, or close a chapter to our life story. One chapter closes so that another can begin, though, we must always remember that...


What I have seen though, at least as a healer of sorts, is that every single way I have ever suffered has given me a connection to another being years later.. my struggle that I overcame in the past (sometimes distant past, sometimes maybe a week ago!) is the very same way in which this other person is now caught, suffering, struggling, and I now have the direct experience and thus humility and insights, to in some way be of service.

This has happened many times over in my world. It gives me more peace when I go through difficult times, since I know that I am not alone. I cease to feel sorry for myself, or at least get out of that self-pity pool much quicker, perhaps just a fast dip! I can see the purposeful patterns emerging in my lifetime.. and I cannot pretend to know exactly what shall be, but as my intuition sharpens I feel it happening from an earlier and earlier point.

It is hard to roll with difficult experiences with grace.. it takes enormous trust, faith, not in the conventional sense so much as faith in your own inner strength and ability to persevere. Trusting that life brings about purposeful experiences and a purposeful arrangement helps give us something to hold on to. This concept is called "vinyasa" in Sanskrit- purposeful arrangement, to place in a special way, or a cycle with phases, such as the seasons or moon cycles.

 Another concept that ties into this is synchronicity, which, once you are open to, gives you a LOT of inspiration, joy, and strength... Synchronicity is seeing everything that happens as purposeful, and thinking that coincidences don't blindly exist, but instead are very meaningful. A way to view it is as if everything that happens in your life is part of a conversation with the universe (or a higher power or however you perceive it to work in your worldview)... everything is purposeful, even your suffering.. and when you see yourself heal, move on happier then ever and more full of life, you can easily start to feel this way. Then when you in turn, quite naturally, see the opportunity arise to use that experience to help ease another's suffering, it can be powerfully encouraging. Then when you find another difficult transition, confidence has grown, it becomes easier and easier.

Life is not bleak... it can be bliss... we just have to adjust and attune our perceptions to an increasingly larger and larger view to see it....

Blessings!  ~<3, laura

The Fear of Freedom

I believe it was Nelson Mandela that pointed out that we have to first realized we are imprisoned before we can free ourselves.

We oftentimes don't even realize how trapped we are in unconscious beliefs and filters, or how many of our daily actions are driven by a desire to avoid the raw intensity of the present moment.

I have noticed that not only stimulation like smoking, TV, internet/electronics, shopping, drugs and alcohol that distracts us from the experience of the moment and makes us less conscious, but also food choices make up an unconscious barrier between us and the moment.

Many people are familiar with the idea of emotional eating: eating driven by boredom or as a reaction to difficult emotions or to fill an energetic/emotional void. I have seen that the choices of what we consume as well plays into this pattern. Processed and animal foods block the most awareness, distract us from the moment the most deeply. Even cooked plant-based foods, especially sweets and starches, even whole-food ones stand as a buffer between us and our experience. Raw foods give us the least ability to avert our awareness from reality in each moment- it is a raw experience on all levels.

A prison can be comfortable if it is all we have known, and fear of the unknown, can also be a fear of success... Who will we become when we can't identify ourselves by our stress, drama, illness or disabilities any longer?

We are spirits, energetic beings, manifesting bodies. Bodies can seem burdensome and heavy and we crave lightness, freedom, expansiveness... But if the heaviness is all we have ever known, freedom can be overwhelming and scary. We can run away from real love, material success, and happiness in all forms due to this fear of our potential and the unknown. Even if this way of life causes sickness, misery, loneliness, negativity, suffering.. it is all I have ever known about living, so having to take responsibility and carve my own path is frightening.

When we see ourselves running away from a magnificent opportunity, from a new experience, from a loving relationship, we should check in with our motivations and investigate if it is truly the action in the best interest of all involved, for their short- + long-term health, happiness and growth, or if we are just afraid to free ourselves to move forward and embrace the incredible uncharted adventure of life lived fully.