The Phoenix Cycle of Life

Sometimes your entire world has to crumble, fall apart, in order to usher in a completely new chapter of your life.

If you get stuck in the externals, you will suffer and spin in an endless loop of pain and self pity... Fixating on the pain itself which only serves to prolong it...

Instead, try opening yourself completely to the pain.. Mourn fully the death of the old you, old dreams, old works view and expectations of how your life would be.

What happens when the funeral pyre cools and only ashes remain is noting short of a miracle.. 

You are lighter, freer; and now, eyes seeing clearer, you are receiving a completely new set of potential energy that is even more in line with your ultimate happiness, dreams and purpose. Welcome the new truth with your whole heart and trust in your own resilience completely. You can handle anything life gives you, and with an open heart that uses the sense of inner rightness as a compass, only better and more authentic realities will be allowed to manifest. Still, it hurts to let go, even if you know it's right. Don't deny it, and don't imprison yourself there at that painful cusp~ let yourself mourn in order to transcend.  Keep flowing always...

Sometimes, you have to die to everything before you can awaken to the next degree of freedom. 

Embarasment, Empowering Each Other, & Transcendence

It is not by disappointment in each other, disregard or force that we best catalyze each other's growth... 

When I am at my weakest, it is in seeing my reflection in the heart of those that love me and see nothing but the goodness of my heart, even when I fall far short of that mark, that uplifts and empowers me to face the sharp sting of messing up, to grow stronger and rise above it where I belong, shining brighter. Love ennobles us to transcend our shortcomings gracefully and without trauma.

We learn through our mistakes. It hurts like hell to truly mess up, and the burn serves as a reminder that we carry within, not to make the same mistake again. 

We often let the embarrassment of the revelation of our deficiency trap us in a cycle of shame.. But this is to debilitate ourselves and wallow in our own refuse, and does us not, nor any others, a bit of good. Self-pity is an ugly place to hang out, not very becoming on a human. Not productive in any positive way, it's just a lazy masochistic loop.

The pain of falling flat and messing up is like the wound of food poisoning. We lose all desire to repeat the same offense. We have no desire to eat the same food item for sometimes years or the rest of our days. So do our mistakes serve us, to grow us, if we allow them to be such.

"Love me most when I least deserve it for it is when I am most in need" ~Swedish Proverb 

Somewhere between letting go of unattainable ideals divorced from reality and genuine striving with everything you have within you and maybe just a little more, is a place. I'll meet you there.. Where we are very human, very authentic, and full of love. It is the place where the fullest potential is alive, and where honesty trumps pride. Truth and love, growing patience like a muscle, and total forgiveness are crucial qualities. Within those four pillars, we are everything we are meant to be. Messy, sloppy, sometimes tear-streaked, but full of honest love and reverence. Eyes shining, alive in our greatest potential...

Perfection and embarrassment have new meanings in the truly free spirit's vocabulary.

Perfection is complete honesty and giving all one has to embody their truth externally & internally, in the midst of all the quirks, roadblocks and of reality's detours. Integrity with one's own truth and with reality without resistance..

Embarrassment is the stinging slap of opening one's eyes to see a little clearer, like the clarifying slap to the cheek of one once hysterical. 

Shame has no place in our world, if we learn our lessons and forgive. No one needs an albatross around their neck anymore. We are all human afterall..The perfect wild stormy synthesis between physical and metaphysical energies. All-at-once sacred and just for fun, here we are in our perfect imperfection to love, laugh, cry, grow and revere. 

Ode To Fact

Just because I can let go
Doesn't mean the truth doesn't show
Just because I shouldn't be in my head
Doesn't mean the energy isn't being read

It just means I can let it go and be at peace
The present moment sets me free
And we have some things about which to speak
But I need not let it worry me


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Nigh agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


Reality, reality,
Preference has nothing to do with thee
I have to choose what it is you bring
That's what I'm discovering
But I can turn my mood around
There's great power in that I've also found


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Brutal, almost agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


I'll take this heart and take this light
And I acknowledge my feelings tonight
But I will believe in what I see
Which says that I am always free
So if you want me, come to me,
Or through unknown the trust will breech
Let me in, with well-placed speech
Needn't be many words, but a crucial few
Open to me and I'll give everything to you.

And Then the Moment Passes

I feel so much,

Feelings layered so richly

I cannot differentiate

I cannot anticipate

Like an ocean 

With diverse currents

Rocking me with a gentle rhythm

But with force

Of course, 

I want to scream,

Because it's so much.

It's not bad,

It's not pain,

But so much,

It bears a tinge of agony.

It's just so much

I want to put my soul to it

Just to touch

The face of God emerging

Everywhere...

In this submerging,

Pushing my head underneath

Waters I no longer struggle against

I ride the high

Of love

I need no one to make me 

fall in love 

when I know 

my home is within 

My own hearts glow

No where to fall 

After all.

Shining smiling love light

Warm

And complete

If we don't ride the wave

While it's high

Say goodbye 

Because you are heading for another shore 

don't ignore your passion

Don't try and play it cool

Keep in fashion

With the numb masses..

Let yourself be what 

Inner urgency presses forth

Let it be, Let it out, 

Ecstasy, cast off the doubt,

Shout your love,

Praise the beauty you see,

Because everything is divine,

My chapel is this planet 

The moment is now 

And my worship is to bow 

to the Soul

Within all

My place is to hold the mirror 

To show & praise divinity

Sacred, playful, miraculous

Rustic and refined 

Show through very face

And place

I find

Let your life be redefined

By your heart-truth

Your freedom 

becomes living proof

Fate reroutes 

when we miss the turn

When our faith 

in the inner voice fails 

it patiently arises again 

and again 

Enticing us to believe

Never judging

Never less than loving

Sweet, smiling love-light

Melting us out 

of our futile fight

Of the flow

But THIS is the moment

So give praise when you feel it arise

Do not swallow it under pride

Too proud to bow at the feet of a stranger

To tell them they are a gem

Hold a mirror up to them.

To tell them of their good

Is to thank God

And to bless them

Support them

Is to know you are

Both

Holy beings

Never be so imprisoned

That you give up your chance

To be Divinity loving Divinity

In every form

Never conform for fear

Because one single entity 

Chose to manifest multiplicity

For a reason--

Shine!!

This life is your cathedral 

And we are here 

To assist each other 

In awakening

Some throw rocks

Others make love

Some give smiles

Hold doors

Offer compliments

Share sentiments 

Our sentience

Proves

Our purpose

And no moment will ever come again

Offer what arises

From the well-spring of your heart

Don't deny

Don't edit

Don't filter

Don't be afraid to fly

Each moment designed

To be born, grow

Pass away and die

So when the moment passes

Another will arise

But you'll never have the same chance twice

Stay open 

Heart, mind and eyes

Unafraid

To be the voice

Of the Divine

Agony Births Ecstasy

Moods, emotions,

Like waves in the ocean

Come and go

Pulled and pushed 

By unseen forces

But hold tight

Shine on

Let go

Don't you know?

You are not the storms

That assault you

You are not the clutter

In your brain

You are not this flesh

That will become 

Earth 

Again

And 

Again

So take heed,

Have peace

You are the 

Glow of the moon

The shine of the sun

You are The One

Witnessing

This dance

This drama

This destiny

You are not alone

No matter how much 

Your heart aches

Down to your bones

Jaggedly

Tearing at your soul

This pain cannot tarnish

Your never-ending love-light

So don't fight

This pain

Tearing everything

Everything

Away 

Stinging

Agony

Peeling back the layers 

Tearing it all away

Every place you used to hide

This path is not for the faint

Exposing every detail

Of your humanness 

Enjoy the ride

Because for every freshly exposed layer of skin 

Burning as it faces the light

You step closer to a level of ecstasy that few fathom

Fewer accomplish

When outer life and inner light

Are one

The waves of agony

Are the pangs of contraction 

Giving birth to expanded consciousness & sacred action

You are the expansion of the universe

You are the destruction of worlds

You are the conductor of holy light

Giving dimension and meaning 

To the world

By witnessing miracles 

So when you are in the depths

Of agony

Repeat after me:

I am not this sorrow

I am not this pain

This hurt is beckoning me

To accept reality

Open my heart

And seek the light of joy

Happiness radiates

From the light pouring through my eyes

This pain is just the removal 

Of the disguise 

I will not hide

I will not run

I am the loving witness

The warm light of the sun

Let Go.

I can let go
Of anything
Witness the wonder
And I have seen
Countless times
When my world
Has crumbled
And turned to ash
And still
Better came
And I was glad
That my heart
Was torn out of my chest
I have no reason to doubt
But just as each
is better
than the last
This time
It was so sacred
That letting go
Is like destroying
My entire universe twice
And although I still
Must let you go completely
I have resisted
As long as possible
Not because I fear my path
Or lack faith
But because
Of the incredible circumstances
Under which we celebrated
Our union
Miracle upon miracle
And I now am embarrassed
Because I've outstayed my welcome
I have more dignity than this
I know better
I trust the universe
You'll come get me if you want me
And if you don't want me
So be it
The universe will bring better
I have faith
And know it will be so
Even if I myself can't fathom better
So here it is
I can't hold on anymore
And I'm being childish anyhow
So at the count of three
You become neutral to me
And I have no more right to remember you
And you don't exist
Until I heal
I'm sorry it took so long
You were my favorite
But I know better than all this
Much better
One,
Two,
Three.

Poison As The Antidote

It's time
I see
I didn't know
I needed to release
Until the poison
Seeped deeply
Wicked up
inside of me
I resisted
Unrelentless
In my Pursuit
Of the truth
I strived
To stay alive
And learn I did
Survive I did


I let the acrid
bitter
Bitchiness
Scour off the shell
I can't blame
it all
on the boys
In men's clothing
But their loathing
Was toxic
To an extraordinary degree
Slowly eating away
At my bliss
and
Stripping me
Of my freedom
By strapping
Cinder blocks
Of heavy cynicism
And the judgement
of their insecurity
On my delicate
Loving
Form

But
It wasn't theirs alone
it dragged
Old scars
up
from the well
From many moons
Many lifetimes ago

The heaviness
That I once endured
And fought so hard
To become pure of
A Renaissance
Of joy and ease

And their heavy hands
Shattered
My delicate figurine form
Ridiculed my grace
And pushed me down
So that they could feel strong
When we were
Face to face

Sometimes you don't know
Until you are ill
When someone doses you slowly
And out of love
You drink your fill
It can take many years
Before you see
That "the one I loved
Was poisoning me"

So the lead you
We're pouring
Down
My throat
When I was
Asleep
Was not enough
To kill me
And
Not enough to keep
Me from opening
my eyes
And
From learning to rise
Once again

And I used
It to learn
How to become
Even
More free
And how to
More sharply attune
To my reality

I watch myself
And though
I was graced
To keep it
Mainly
At
Bay

I feel the bitter
Chunky
Vomitus
Energy
Pouring out of me
I choke on the bit
Like sawdust and sputum
Violently bitter..

The sway of my hips
My sweetness of tone
My kind, loving gaze
My joy when alone
My peace
My smile
My acceptance

I am slowly floating back to the surface
To the light of me
Back to my beauty
Again I can breathe

You stole my peace
But I used it to purge past wounds
I harbor no regret or ill will
But Your venom now
is just your own

I am once again at home
In my heart
In my life
Clearer
Than before

I will have bled
The rotten black sap
Viscous and viscous
Out of my soul
Until there is no more
I have survived
And used
Your poison
To heal
And set me free.

And
Never again
Will I
Let another
Poison me.





Sent from my iPhone

Release You

I'm not less because you were inconsistent..
I'm not less because you treated me like a whore,
When I gave you respect, devotion, love, honesty, my body, my heart, my soul
and you wanted MORE.


I still have my integrity.
You have a broken image of what you are
and what you THINK you should be.

I have to lose all the pieces of everything.
I have to sit in this intense space.
This immense place,
of deep discomfort,
And I can handle it.

I would've given you the devotion of all my days,
The love of a good woman shouldn't be taken for granted.
You chased me, defaced me, erased me and in your heart,
 fearful resistance supplanted,
All the feelings you declared for me.

All the nightmares of your reality,
You can't erase,
They will follow you wherever you go,
Wherever you call home,
And you chose to face them all alone.

I am not made less because you had to maintain a false sense of superiority,
Just to avoid your inner feelings of inferiority,
You have shown your priorities,
And I see that honesty is NOT ranking highly.

Maybe if I were less,
 you'd still be around,
Because my fearless adherence to the truth wouldn't intimidate you,
You would be able to control me,
Sedate yourself,
 and I wouldn't call you out on it because I'd be less free..

But I'm not and my disgust is not because of me,
And I won't waste my breath blaming it on you and your inconsistency,
I'm only bothered that it takes more than a week to release the love I had for you from deep within me.

I'm not doubting my beauty
I'm not doubting my grace
I'm not wishing you'd come back to me,
Don't even show me your shameful face.

My mind knows you were childish,
And my heart wants no less than a REAL love
to breathe deep into my lungs.
I'm just waiting for my body to release you,
And heal the wounds leveled by your lying tongue.
Your hands never lied, you were cold and CRUEL,
And the judgement in your voice LASHING at ME
 but stemming from within YOU.

You were part of my story,
But you burned down the glory,
You pillaged the beautiful place in which you were held,
You decimated the love you beheld,
You destroyed your throne,
Now you're on your own,
And your place
In my heart
Became as an object
A catalyst
Not a man
No longer priceless
But a dime a dozen

So enjoy your material wasteland,
And I'll hear from you when you realized how tragically you played your hand
Guarantee it'll be too late
You chose your fate
And with this I release you.
God bless you in all you do.
I deserve much better than you.

Align with Your Design

Align with your true design,
Anchor on the truth you feel..

Feeling is the prayer and what is really real.

Transformation & authenticity

Anchor yourself on your own vibrations explicitly

It's the only way to love and serve and remain whole.

Sun light
Soul light
Guide yourself
By what feels right

Fully accept reality
Eliminate duplicity

Let go of the old

Recognize synchronicity
Dance with it as it unfolds

Co-create
Don't re-create..the past

Forgive from within
Let go of hate
Fear only brings more of the same
Clear out all the dusty corners of the brain

Throw open the shutters
And drink in the light

Manifest your own truth
Only what feels freeing and right

Love and worth are abundant
Joy and beauty are abundant
And they come from the space within..


Sent from my iPhone

Spring Cleaning with Devo Maheshvara, or When Grown-ups Throw Tantrums

It's just one of those days.. that's what we tend to say. To me, it's been coined a "devo maheshvara day".
It happens all the time, one or all of your plans fall apart... choice one, fight it and throw a tantrum and say "no! No!" stomping your feet, or choice two, deal with the strong emotions and let it happen as it is, as opposed to trying to control it, let it show you where to go and what to do. So what do you choose?

When things are smooth, its easy enough to think the choice is obvious. And through regular practice of yoga and mindfulness, we can cultivate the opening, the surrender, the faith in one's resilience and trust in life, it takes to abruptly abandon the expectations you had and to get in line with what is. We get tested.. and we can slowly see the hissy fit in all its immature uselessness and painfully obnoxious absurdity. Yet in the moment, when you are tenderly in pain, or in the midst of intense shock, pain, heart-break, frustration, rage.. it is harder to open to it with grace. As far as we have come, sometimes the Universe will up the ante until it breaks us, because that is just what it intended to do. "How cruel!", you say? Breaking us open is allowing us to become more free, to let go of unneeded and useless burdens and to spring clean the mind/body/emotions/energy to make room for brighter, more fitting, more magnificent energies to come our way. 

Years ago I suffered a lot in my body and mind, everyday. It was hellish. And I would break down and have tantrums fairly regularly, because my patience was always worn by bareing the burden of massive dscomfort in my own body all day, everyday, and serious chronic eating disorders. So maybe a good reason to feel shitty, but never an excuse to spoil the vibes and have a useless and anoying hissy fit. Oh well, live and learn. I felt the old discomfort the other day, due to holding onto too much energy and not finding work-life balance since my stay at Albany Med with my dad. I observed it, and calmly took care of the issue, and did my thing. That felt great. The universe sought to humble me, and to remind me how far I have to go and that we are never finished, so I had my ass kicked by God yesterday.  I derive peace from getting my work done, so when I had a hard time getting out of the house early, it was building a sense of lethargy met with frustration. It kept building as I couldn't seem to get out of the house for anything. Then my phone dies.. not the battery, I mean the sucker won't turn on, it acted totally dead. I don't have the money to replace that, I'm worried about making rent in a couple days. Then I find that there is an issue with the piercing in my nose, a piercing that I love, and have zero interest in getting rid of. I can't fix it myself, and I don't have a piercest I know to trust around here. Stalemate with the out-of-alignment metal in my nose- can't get it out to fix it, can't get it in properly, and it hurts like hell, I mean, this is my tender little nose and she is hurting with all this wiggling metal in her flesh and unable to go through the hole on the other side.. that broke me.. clock is ticking I have work to do, have to get out of the house, no phone to ask a friend who I can trust to fix my nose, can't fix it myself.. BOOM! Tantrum begins.. curse words I had no interest in every again saying flowed, and not quietly.. thankfully it was only ten or fifteen minutes, not an hour or two like it used to be back in the day.. and this was by far the worst dealing I have had with stress in a very long time.. even though, I admit, when my toddler karate kicks me upside the head while we are sleeping or axe kicks me directly in my eye socket, I cuss usually only 10% of the time now, the rest of the time I breathe, release, and help him move his dangerous parts away from my sensitive ones......

But the difference this time is that the tantrum was not only short, but I witnessed it the whole time. I am friends with Devo Maheshvara, the energy of loss, destruction, removal, that governs these sorts of days. Clearing away the old husks of habits, by dredging them up, forcing us to face their ugliness or our lack of agreeance in every embodying them again, so that we can release them. And VOILA!, we have made room for grace to flow to to become lighter, freer beings for the sake of all.. but it is mainly a process.. we have to instance by instance see these things happen, witness our habits, feel the embarasment and disgust, (painfully), and choose to stop ourselves. And then, when we gain enough of a foothold to STOP, even for a moment, just stop............

and don't think anything..


and now, this is what is happening, so how am I choosing to rise to the challenge?

So I fixed the phone, by finding my back-up battery, that worked it turned on.

And I caught the intuitive vibe that with the amount of gas I had in the car, my best bet was to head towards thus and such, and after driving for an hour and passing a few spots, one little lonely tattoo shop was my last chance before I must head to work, and lo! and Behold!.. synchronicity abounded and I knew I found what the universe wanted me to. It can be painful, I mean, I literally was led by a ring in my nose on this one. ;) The piercest was amiable, sterile, professional, very modest about the money it required, and happened to be very interested in yoga, so we talked, and he will also refer clients to me. I woke up with a desire to connect with more future students. And so it was. Led by a dead phone and the ring in my nose..

I love this process usually, I consider it an adventure, the Divine leading me through synchronicity and through the objects and experiences in front of me to a profound experience. Usually I hit the resistance and the recognition that things are falling apart, and I literally supplicate and ask, often out loud, "OK, I'm on it! Let's do this! Whats the agenda, what's next?" And it is a peaceful process, full of delight and wonder. Sometimes I guess, the violence is needed to redirect me still.

Once the piercing was fixed, I was off to work, and had a beautiful evening..l was once again flooded with love and gratitude for my role in this lifetime and for the community we are creating together through the yoga studio.. it is one of my most favorite places to be in the world, and I love practicing yoga in a community setting, more then practicing alone.
And the rent that I felt was not going to be made, well down to the dollar was brought to me. Just what I needed I was given. And I was full of gratitude.


This morning I had to change my nose ring, which I was a wee bit nervous about given yesterday's debacle.. and it took a few moments and it was in. BOOM! Independence only comes with a tender balance of letting go and full acceptance of our limits and the fact that we can't control reality, but we can choose how with react to it, and therein lies our power and the art of living.

Happy Spring Cleaning!!

Strong Sense of Inner-Rightness

We don't need others to tell us what to do.. when we are confused, we need to ground and spend a little time in nature or alone, exercise or decompress.. and be patient.. keep practicing self-care,  nourishing lifestyle, and staying present, letting go, letting go, letting go..

and at first it happens here and there...

then it happens more..

and more..
until most of our time on this earth is spent with a strong sense of inner-rightness..

it is PEACE,

it is HARMONY with YOUR individual truth,

it is FREEDOM,

and it brngs BLISS, JOY, CONFIDENCE, HEALTH.

REAL FULFILMENT.

Trust inner rightness, not fear..
trust your heart,

trust the UNKNOWN, because it IS intense, but that intensity is the feeling of
INCREDIBLE POTENTIAL ENERGY.. ready to bloom,

but you can't fight it, you have to open to it,

or else your constant questioning will leave you second-guessing into missing every opportunity and beautiful experience life is brining to your hands.

FOLLOW YOU R HEART.. let go of all past, even if it hurts.. because EVERYTHING is fleeting, and love is here in the moment, even if its not from where you wished it to be coming.. and brighter and brighter experiences will come..

the more you live in integrity with your truth, the more whole your satisfaction becomes in life, and love finds you, success finds you, happiness finds you..

it takes PATIENCE to wait for the best gifts.. but each day contains mini-miracles. Stay open and they will rise to meet your eyes, and bring a smile to your lips, put the sway back in your hips, and give you everlasting joy in this world, in spite of an external circumstances.

Blessings.....

Sick, But Happy: The Difference Between Suffering and Pain

Something I learned a long time ago, I believe it was 6 years ago when I started my yoga studio, was how to be gracefully ill. When I first opened I got really sick, or really I was battling germs left and right. Every other week I'd have a fever, and students would arrive, and I'd have a scarf and hat on, sometimes several blankets, and be sitting on the heating grate. But I would always feel like smiling.. Most of the time I'd still teach too.

I discovered that my body may feel sick, but my spirit doesn't.. and I choose to honor the connection between the two, but to think of myself more as my spirit/energy then the wonderful, but temporary body. So when the body has discomforts, like bodies do, it doesn't damage my self-esteem or inner peace and joy.

When I thought all I was was the body, I was miserable.. because a body isn't perfect, and never can be.. its a walking, talking, pooping, farting, composting machine, that has mucus and mentral cycles, and hormones, which I still haven't quite grasped why those are so chalenging, and yet they are!!... and the body grows and ages, and eventually composts back into the giant Mother Earth.

So to shift, and see who I AM as energy, and not just body.. and to release mcuh discomfort comes from the interface of the physical and energetic.. it makes sense, it resonates, it brings liberation!

Even when I suffered a broken heart recently.. I had some severe moments of misery and got a little lost in it. But quicker then ever, and so fast I was surprised.... so quickly, in fact, that I caught myself not wanting to let the pain go so easily because it seemed almost to easy... I found my peace.. the pain existed and still, a bit, exists within my energy field.. its within my experience.. but it isn't my total experience by any means, and it is just there, and we co-exist, and it lessens everyday, like a cut on your finger slowly heals, especially once you stop STARING AT IT.. like that proverbial pot that just WILL NOT BOIL! ;)

It is the same method whether dealing with emotional pain or physical pain, and of course, like the secret to everything else amazing in the Universe, being fully present is the center.

So I become aware fully of the pain... I breathe.. I feel and acknowledge its source, and the way I am experiencing it. As I write at this very moment, my body is so achey that my finger tips almost sting as they hit the keys, I am achey and exhausted, belly sluggish and now on a tea fast for the night and early morning.. but I am surrealy at peace.. I have a great deal of love in this moment, just a general feeling of love.. I just am love, I love, I love the Universe, life, all that is.. and I feel this, along with all the discomfort, and a splash of heartache...

So you feel your pain and your loss.. feel it fully, acknowledge its source and depth, and act truthfully in its honor.. taking care of your sick body.. crying and journaling and processing your emotional pain.. but never grow stagnant, never cling to labels.. "I have a headache, I have a headache, I have a headache..." "I am sick, I am sick.." "I'm in pain, I'm in pain, I'm in pain.." "I am devastated, I am devastated, I am devastated.." That's what the left brain loves to do... obsess.. repeat..like a negative affirmation, concretizing the split moment experience and making a shrine of self-pity out of it.. a monument to this unpleasant experience is errected in that obsessive redundancy....  until you expel the thought.. just.. let it go.. everytime it repeats, don't feed into it.. just breathe and let it fall away, turn your attention to your FULL experience, in the present moment.. and the pain will shrink.. because it is only one part of your total experience.. it is only part of this moment.. along with the entire singing crying laughing dying dancing birthing learning lying loving ebbing flowing Universe.. it is only one part of what you feel.. along with the space around you, the light of your energy, nature, and anything or anyone else in contact with you.. and the music, art, beauty.. the Universe smiling at you through everything that is.. because everything that is, is conscious energy.. Divinity. We are the cells in the Divine living conscious Universe, or what a lot of people call God, or whatever way it resonates in your heart.. we are all connected to all that is. We are so vast.. our life story so significant, and so transient.. this too shall pass.. so find the light in it.. enjoy the mandatory rest and smile.. you are alive.. this is your life story, you are the star, stay real, stay you, life is beautiful.

Okay, so in the moment when you are so sad and in so much pain that it feels like all the air is sucked out of your chest, that you can't see, you don't have quite enough life force in your body to move, and eating is absurdly out of the question, and breathing is asking too much right now, because your entire torso feels like it was scooped out with an icecream scoop.. you may not feel like smilin' at the sunset.. those are the moments when you are so fully surrendered.. the moments when the migraine is so bad that you CANNOT leave the present moment or else you will vomit from the pain, those are the moments you cannot have any other intention but to be present.. weather it out.. because IT WILL PASS, and when it does, it becomes clearer why.. if not right away, someday...

Even my chronic migraines have become a forced and mandatory meditation practice for me, and have increased my mindfulness immensely.. they also keep me in check as the pain shoots up exponentially when I leave the present moment in my head.. so I get knocked down to the lowest rung, so to speak, and humbled really fast.. drawn into the present moment against my will by the degradation of pain, I find my heart becomes extremely open.. totally open. This is the beautiful way that sickness and heartache work for us. When they force us to let go of everthing that is not now, we clear the way.  All false priorities die, and as they wither and dry and blow away, love is right there shining at us. 

As I say in classes, everytime you are present, every yoga practice, every moment of deep mindfulness, even a split second, begins to wipe the slate of habit energy clean, and you can make a conscious choice in how to act and react when you arise afterwards. All of the expctations, habits, paths of least resistance are wiped away, and we can walk in a way that describes the energy that is who we are.. the unique creative flow of Shakti.. life energy..soul.. that is shining through the prism of us.. each of us, a unique and precious crystal, casting our own refletion of the light into the world.. when we clear away all the acquired debris in our heads, and free ourselves of fears, our hearts shine and the light dances through us into the world, into the lives of others..

Most people make the mistake of letting the left brain take over, condemning ourselves for our limitations instead of honoring them and getting over it and going on wisely, we knock ourselves when we are already down, and our energy is dragged down further. Get too stagnant and sucked into the dark chasm of the left brain chatter and judgement, and being sick and depressed will converge and you will feel worse then you had to feel. Most of our suffering is self-induced.. arguably all of it... see, if we are in pain, that is one thing, if we cannot accept that we are in pain and fight it, we suffer.. see there is a difference.

Suffering is the rejection and fighting of reality.. of what we are experiencing in the moment. Accept reality, accept that you are in pain, and suffering ends.. the mind and heart are ok, but the pain remains.. This is true in illness and in heart-break.. and by staying present and responding in integrity with your inner rightness, the pain will heal over time, like any wound, and the it will be gone..

So you see, that is the deal.. there is pain in life, there is heart-ache.. but you don't need to suffer.. you can choose to accept reality and still touch your inner peace and joy while you are also experiencing pain and discomfort, even great pain, I have found. Opening, instead of closing, the heart, makes everything easier and brighter and better. Open wider in the face of your pain, and you may cry, but you will be letting it go, and the pain cannot last, and the heart remains wide open.. more love and beauty flow in to nourish you, life becomes brighter.. over and over, pain cracks us open to let go of the debris and find ecstacy..  and so it goes. I hope you find the bravery to try this, and see for yourself. Love and Blessings to all..... xoxo

It is not the wound that hurts so much..

It is not the wound that hurts so much
by Laura Harrison


How quickly things change
how abruptly things rearrange
plans shatter
hopes scatter
and holding on to what is no longer there
or
was never there
but was so desired
is the part that burns

so many hopes
of happy returns
of something that would last
better then the past

the pain
remains
long after the memory of the disdain paid
is laid to rest
because of the fear

the fear of letting go
the fear of being free
the fear of what you know
.. although

you thought this was it
that this one would last
no matter how fresh
your wound is past

so
let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go

and you will find
that it is not the wound that hurts so much
as your fierce reluctance
to accept that your false hopes
are not reality

let it go
 and you'll be free

and for a minute there is an empty space in the middle of your heart
but if you turn your attention to living your life you'll start
to fill that space with life and love
and in no time
the wound is long gone

only time and being fully here
to the rest of your life,
not just the pain,
will bring you healing
and allow you to perservere

Painfully Lost in the Small View

Pain, loss, tragedy, frustration and embarrassment are part of our life stories, as much as growth, joy, delight, fascination, and ecstasy.

We seem to go through a spiraling pattern of evolution- bright, open, free turns and heavy, painful, withdrawn ones as well. However, pleasant and unpleasant are part of the same growth, the same path of enlightenment.
When the heavy, painful experiences are upon us, it is helpful to recall that the pain is from opening and letting go of these false or former realities that are no longer current. It is the pain of dying to the old idea of your life and who you are, and the restructuring of your view of reality in the light of new shifts and truths. Oh, that doesn't sound so bad, right? But the truth is, it is easy to get lost in the texture and terrain of the suffering when experiencing it.
The left brain/ego is concerned with past and future and fully absorbed in the up-close, individual experience. In painful experiences, it zooms in on the source of the suffering and obsesses on the tragedy of it all. It loops around over and over in the lament and agony, and feels so alive in the torment. The ego/individual self loves to affirm its own existence, because it is very insecure. It obsesses on solution and closure, even when only time and space can resolve the ache.
The solution is to spend more time in yoga practice, meditation, deep relaxation, creative expression, and in Nature, or in general in cultivating present moment awareness/mindfulness. Mindfulness is the experience connected with the right brain, it is the broad view, widening the lens of your attention, so that it no longer zooms in your suffering, but sees the suffering as only one part of your total current experience.
"Breathe, Feel everything, Let it go", I tell myself, and my students, frequently, "and respond honestly with what you experience." Honesty beckons us to let go of the unhealthy relationship, accept loss, forgive ourselves for making mistakes and to learn from them instead of beating ourselves up. Honesty makes us notice that the pain may be there, but there is also peace, there are also things to enjoy, there are also many blessings to count. Honesty reminds us that nothing lasts forever, so neither will this pain, and we can turn it into growth and personal development instead of feeling sorry for ourselves.
Its easy to sink into the heaviness of defeat, to feel sorry for ourselves, but that mood is only healthy once in each experience. Once the facts have permeated our awareness and shock is no longer necessary, the only humane way to resolve our suffering is to practice extreme self care and be present. Don't get sucked into the hole of depression, don't give in to self-pity, its like a drug. Its lazy. Its cheap. Its ugly. Instead, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go. Again, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go... And continue to move on with your healthy life.
Automatically get yourself present when you start to drift down that filthy hallway of "what if's" and reinventing the past, and other counter-factuals. "If" nothing, work on accepting Reality as it is but touching it in the present moment. Don't waste time worrying about the future, and "what will happen when..." Instead, immerse yourself completely in the moment at hand, the task at hand, the company at hand. Use self-care: take a walk, eat healthfully and not too little or too much, use techniques that bring you peace, and that bring you into the NOW.
...And an amazing thing happens.. The pain will slowly heal, like a cut heals, from the inside out.. And naturally the scab falls off, and then eventually you won't even see the mark anymore, or if you can, it certainly won't hurt, just remind you of a time and place and experience and lesson.
A story.. Part of your life story.. Not THE entire life story. So don't get lost in the close-up when you can soar above the total experience and feel so much more then just your pain.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The Last Thing I Wanted to Be (was a burden to you)

The Last Thing I Wanted to Be, (was a burden to you)
by Laura Harrison



It is a miracle that we ever even met,
and it was with my whole heart that I said,
I will grant you anything you need.

The one thing you wanted,
seems to be the hardest possible thing
that I could do for you.

How its ripping my heart out not to be near you,
not to hear your voice,
not to tell you what you have come to mean to me.
not to even know if you ever want to know me,
because you don't want me to show me

But its true,
I was all in with you,
but you were not ready
to open up and see me,
you weren't there,
as much as you wished you were.

And I forgive that,
I forgive the way you acted,
I forgive that you were closed,
if you can understand,
and forgive me
that feeling the bond between us
suddenly stop,
and grow cold,
brought me more pain then I could possibly hold.
how it killed me
that
the
One
thing
you needed
was
for me
to set
you free

when all I wanted to do was love you
with all the love
and sunlight
and warmth
contained in the entire universe.

And even though my sharing became a burden on your shoulders
my world still grew colder
when suddenly I could no longer
share my life with you.

Perhaps it was all an illusion.

There is nothing else I can do
but feel this agony for you
and pray that if you do love me
you will come to me
come into my world
with that giant heart of yours
and want to know me,
and that you will be as hungry
for me
as I always was for you.

Or that at least
if its through,
you'll make it clear to me,
the last thing I want to be,
is
a
burden
to you.

Consecrate This Pain

Introduction: this poem is about those bittersweet times when unconditional love asks us to let go of someone we love, someone we loved more then we could've ever imagined.
Its also about pain, pain is inevitable in life, and we have to not resist it, not bottle it, but let it tear through us, let it crack our hearts wide open, to cry, to let the energy move and pass. We can dedicate our pain to the healing of others, and then, somehow it becomes a blessing to feel it, for the sake of someone we love.CONSECRATE THIS PAIN
-Laura Harrison  I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to let you go,As soon as I knew.
I could see
You
Were struggling
To open up to me
I knew long before..
Before I had the strength to let you goAnd
I promise
To listen
Much sooner
Much sooner
Forever more.I dragged it out,
I had to doubt,
But I knew you weren't mine to hold,
I just wanted you to be,
So badly.
I am open, I trust fully,
I trust in you, myself, and in reality,
In honoring the way you needed to pull away
And disconnect from me,
I realized just how much you've come to mean to me.
But for weeks it was a burden
That you didn't need to bare
And it tears my heart to shredsSo if I truly care, then
My only choice
Was to silence the voice
Of my growing love for you,
And since I love you more then my own need
The only right thing was to follow through,
Let go of you,
And hope my absence helps your healing speed.
I know its right, and my heart is true,
And I will dedicate this suffering to you..I wish for your own peace more then my own. I consecrate this pain,
To take the weight off you,
May every tear I cry
Help to set you free,
You owe me nothing,
But this your gift from meSo let me take the pain for you,
Let me bare the burden,
May my suffering set you free..
Let my agony,
Cleanse your own,
I want to do this for you,
Even if you will never love me.
I may be far away,
But I know we are all energy,
And in my deep desire to serve you,
May my devastation set you free.i'm not alone. But I miss you. I wish that I could kiss you. I wish that I could be the one to hold and console, but painfully for me, that doesn't seem to be my role.  That is not my reality.

And for you
I'd keep living with this pain,
As long as you need,
I'll keep crying myself to sleep,
And missing your warmth,
And pray that the love was not a fantasy.
And that you'll be back for me.
 And even if it was,
I wouldn't change a thing,
To know you is an amazing gift,
You have changed everything.
I won't dwell, longer then my stay, this time.
I won't hold on to the pain,
It won't take me under,
But the agony comes in waves,
And I can't help but cry,
I refuse to let it take me asunder,
This pain will only open my heart wider,
And if and when you're ready for me,
I'll only be stronger,
shine brighter,
And we'll both be
glad I set you free.

On My Knees in Gratitude

On My Knees In Gratitude
by Laura Harrison


I see the pieces of my life falling into place
and I think one of those pieces may just be your face

my world is changing so fast that I can't hold on
I think that is exactly how I'm supposed to respond

let
it
go

let it come

let
come
what
may

each day

as my concepts and expectations are destroyed
and my plans lie in ruin
my eyes remain shining and wide
looking at the glistening moment
and I see the way
to a more genuine life
if I give up on what I think it should be

I am free

to be completely,

to BE

without constraint
without restraint
without chains or filters
or justification
or social stratification

I AM but this
one loving spark
shining my own little light
into the dark,
and if I can succeed at dropping
all greed and the pre-conceived

I can see with every cell
feel with every particle
the magnificent sublimity
and playful simplicity
and if only for a moment
glimpse the radiant web of life
weaving unlimited possibility into being.

Believing is in seeing,
when I see,
amidst all possibility,
that there is even room for you and me,
to meet,
for the Universe to bend,
in order to send,
me my every need and dream.

Life is the manifestation of miraculous reality.

Trust

Trust

by Laura Harrison


How can I learn to trust myself
when I have stumbled so many times?

How can I learn to love myself after condemning myself for so many crimes?

But all the times that I have failed
I succeeded in some way
except for the times I ignored my knowing,
and deferred to what others did say.

Trust comes from letting go
from giving up
from being tired of trying to drink
from an empty cup.

We all need to feel loved,
so we mistakenly try to conform,
although no one truly ever wants,
 to embody the everyday norm.

So it sounds trite, but its true,
Be nobody but you

You don't have to try
to embody your vibe

Just lose yourself in the act of being alive

over
    
      and over
    
                and over again..

and trust will grow itself my friend.


Deep honesty is the only path,
and getting lost is the only math.

The compass is your own heart,
and every moment is the perfect one
in which to start.

Resistance and Letting Go- who's in control here?

As we sat in the Wild Woodstock studio practicing meditation, David Life said, "Let go of everything that get in the way of that peace within in each moment."

According to the philosophy, yoga, or oneness is our natural state. Yoga's practices help us to expand our consciousness to its natural, limitless state. They help us to see all of the ways that we resist our natural state, which is described a pure consciousness and bliss. Unparallelled joy is our default state, so where is our problem, why are we resisting?

From conception we start to get confused about the source of our joy (internal), we start to pick up habits, preferences and unconscious views from our friends families, culture and other experiences. This would be fine, but we cling to our likes and run from our dislikes, and form a hard, unchanging idea about who we are, what life should be like and where happiness comes from. As soon as we solidify these ideas and cling to them, we shut out the actual reality in each moment. Our experience becomes increasingly tainted by our ideas and we no longer see the truth. We suffer in this rigid state, constantly seeking a narrow range of approved experiences, averting ourselves to any newness or challenge.

Yoga practice helps us to see and remove these filters one at a time. We make the unconscious conscious. We embrace the unknown, the discomfort of newness, and the freedom of being unattached to our preferences. We can have preferences, but if things don't go "our" way, instead of throwing a fit we instantly accept that reality, and move on consciously.

I notice my habit of being constantly in motion, sometimes beneficial and appropriate, sometimes incredibly inappropriate. It is okay when doing chores or work, but when I give in to it at the wrong times it robs me of my most precious resource- time with my son. I remind myself to stay conscious, checking, "do I need to do that now, is it beneficial to us all?" Then I try and remember when I am with my son, or at other times, "now is not the time for this- let go of everything that gets in the way of this love and peace."

We all can get pretty addicted to constantly rushing, it becomes a strong habit. It takes recognition and strong self-control to break the habit of running at inappropriate times. Recognizing when we seek busyness or distraction just for the state of it, dilligently letting go of urges, compulsions, addictions we can regain self-control, literally taking the reigns back from our habits, placing control back in the conscious mind and heart.