Wednesday, February 27, 2013
It happens all the time, one or all of your plans fall apart... choice one, fight it and throw a tantrum and say "no! No!" stomping your feet, or choice two, deal with the strong emotions and let it happen as it is, as opposed to trying to control it, let it show you where to go and what to do. So what do you choose?
When things are smooth, its easy enough to think the choice is obvious. And through regular practice of yoga and mindfulness, we can cultivate the opening, the surrender, the faith in one's resilience and trust in life, it takes to abruptly abandon the expectations you had and to get in line with what is. We get tested.. and we can slowly see the hissy fit in all its immature uselessness and painfully obnoxious absurdity. Yet in the moment, when you are tenderly in pain, or in the midst of intense shock, pain, heart-break, frustration, rage.. it is harder to open to it with grace. As far as we have come, sometimes the Universe will up the ante until it breaks us, because that is just what it intended to do. "How cruel!", you say? Breaking us open is allowing us to become more free, to let go of unneeded and useless burdens and to spring clean the mind/body/emotions/energy to make room for brighter, more fitting, more magnificent energies to come our way.
Years ago I suffered a lot in my body and mind, everyday. It was hellish. And I would break down and have tantrums fairly regularly, because my patience was always worn by bareing the burden of massive dscomfort in my own body all day, everyday, and serious chronic eating disorders. So maybe a good reason to feel shitty, but never an excuse to spoil the vibes and have a useless and anoying hissy fit. Oh well, live and learn. I felt the old discomfort the other day, due to holding onto too much energy and not finding work-life balance since my stay at Albany Med with my dad. I observed it, and calmly took care of the issue, and did my thing. That felt great. The universe sought to humble me, and to remind me how far I have to go and that we are never finished, so I had my ass kicked by God yesterday. I derive peace from getting my work done, so when I had a hard time getting out of the house early, it was building a sense of lethargy met with frustration. It kept building as I couldn't seem to get out of the house for anything. Then my phone dies.. not the battery, I mean the sucker won't turn on, it acted totally dead. I don't have the money to replace that, I'm worried about making rent in a couple days. Then I find that there is an issue with the piercing in my nose, a piercing that I love, and have zero interest in getting rid of. I can't fix it myself, and I don't have a piercest I know to trust around here. Stalemate with the out-of-alignment metal in my nose- can't get it out to fix it, can't get it in properly, and it hurts like hell, I mean, this is my tender little nose and she is hurting with all this wiggling metal in her flesh and unable to go through the hole on the other side.. that broke me.. clock is ticking I have work to do, have to get out of the house, no phone to ask a friend who I can trust to fix my nose, can't fix it myself.. BOOM! Tantrum begins.. curse words I had no interest in every again saying flowed, and not quietly.. thankfully it was only ten or fifteen minutes, not an hour or two like it used to be back in the day.. and this was by far the worst dealing I have had with stress in a very long time.. even though, I admit, when my toddler karate kicks me upside the head while we are sleeping or axe kicks me directly in my eye socket, I cuss usually only 10% of the time now, the rest of the time I breathe, release, and help him move his dangerous parts away from my sensitive ones......
But the difference this time is that the tantrum was not only short, but I witnessed it the whole time. I am friends with Devo Maheshvara, the energy of loss, destruction, removal, that governs these sorts of days. Clearing away the old husks of habits, by dredging them up, forcing us to face their ugliness or our lack of agreeance in every embodying them again, so that we can release them. And VOILA!, we have made room for grace to flow to to become lighter, freer beings for the sake of all.. but it is mainly a process.. we have to instance by instance see these things happen, witness our habits, feel the embarasment and disgust, (painfully), and choose to stop ourselves. And then, when we gain enough of a foothold to STOP, even for a moment, just stop............
and don't think anything..
and now, this is what is happening, so how am I choosing to rise to the challenge?
So I fixed the phone, by finding my back-up battery, that worked it turned on.
And I caught the intuitive vibe that with the amount of gas I had in the car, my best bet was to head towards thus and such, and after driving for an hour and passing a few spots, one little lonely tattoo shop was my last chance before I must head to work, and lo! and Behold!.. synchronicity abounded and I knew I found what the universe wanted me to. It can be painful, I mean, I literally was led by a ring in my nose on this one. ;) The piercest was amiable, sterile, professional, very modest about the money it required, and happened to be very interested in yoga, so we talked, and he will also refer clients to me. I woke up with a desire to connect with more future students. And so it was. Led by a dead phone and the ring in my nose..
I love this process usually, I consider it an adventure, the Divine leading me through synchronicity and through the objects and experiences in front of me to a profound experience. Usually I hit the resistance and the recognition that things are falling apart, and I literally supplicate and ask, often out loud, "OK, I'm on it! Let's do this! Whats the agenda, what's next?" And it is a peaceful process, full of delight and wonder. Sometimes I guess, the violence is needed to redirect me still.
Once the piercing was fixed, I was off to work, and had a beautiful evening..l was once again flooded with love and gratitude for my role in this lifetime and for the community we are creating together through the yoga studio.. it is one of my most favorite places to be in the world, and I love practicing yoga in a community setting, more then practicing alone.
And the rent that I felt was not going to be made, well down to the dollar was brought to me. Just what I needed I was given. And I was full of gratitude.
This morning I had to change my nose ring, which I was a wee bit nervous about given yesterday's debacle.. and it took a few moments and it was in. BOOM! Independence only comes with a tender balance of letting go and full acceptance of our limits and the fact that we can't control reality, but we can choose how with react to it, and therein lies our power and the art of living.
Happy Spring Cleaning!!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Yet again, this is where I am, joyfully. Part of me wishes for it to be over, because I want to be matured into this lighter, brighter stage. Like puberty, this awkward transition phase is a bit uncomfortable, a little embarrassing, and exciting.
The many changes I am experiencing are of no consequence to readers, and each factor seems so inconsequential on its own but is adding up to such a profound inner shift that even my appearance has changed so drastically in two years. My personality is changing so much so, and although it isn't sufficiently strengthened in maturation that I could call it complete, I am like a little soft-shelled crab, vulnerable and guarded my transition with ample space and time to be alone, to avoid watering old habits. I will blossom more fully soon. I feel it happening. The stages of these transitions are fascinating, and I can track, over the last ten years, several smaller transitions like this, seemingly adding up to this grander, deeper, wider, vaster transformation, that I know is marking a significant turning point... Yet doubtless that this is far from the last one. These transitions make it clear that I have a long ways to go to total freedom, and keep me very humble in spite of my high self-esteem.
The particular habit I wanted to highlight, is a negative view of the world. This habit has been quitting me, especially over the last six years, and continues to quit me. In any instance that I would exert a harsh view of another's actions, or chastise them, fear them thinking they wish me harm, or see the world as violent and deadly, I have been proven foolishly and unabashedly, wrong. Dead wrong.
My teenage self was cynical, sarcastic, and sharply, bitterly, quick-witted. It was a charm of sorts in the teenage world, where it enabled me both to feel I fit in and protect myself with my coarse offensiveness should anyone come near to harming my delicate feelings. Then, after a few smaller instances of my heart cracking open to cleansing tears, and one particularly profound instance at the ashram when I studied yoga for the first time, where I cried so hard on a rocky bluff by the sea I was certain the few passersby were concerned if I was suicidal, I softened that abrasive edge. Ever since life has been polishing my edges, and I have been opening my heart.
Yes, bad things happen in the world. But if you walk around with a paranoid attitude, you doubly attract these things. If you endeavor to see the bad in others and the world you will not be disappointed. But if you govern yourself with complete honesty and openness, you will find yourself well-respected,and people only do violence to people they see not as people, but as objects. If you respect someone, however, you see them as a person, a being, and NOT an object, and cannot do them violence.
The few instances I recall where God slapped my cheek a little and then we laughed together over my ridiculous fears and closed-hearted judgments:
Walking one day down the street, early on in my yoga studio days, someone beeped to say hi as I walked down the street. Not recognizing the car or seeing the person, and where my head was in the moment, I thought the person was beeping at m e for some negative purpose ("get on the sidewalk!", or the famous comment I used to get at 25 years old, "why aren't you in (high) school? Why are you cutting classes?"). Thinking in my head I was being harassed, I flicked the person off! It was a knee-jerk reaction hearkening to my self ten years earlier and old entrenched habits. So then I found out it was a student friend, and I, needless to say, apologized profusely and felt like an enormous ass!
Or because I thought nothing of walking along most of a particular street before and after work (in a so-called rougher area of our incredibly-low-crime-rate blessed city, a ridiculous assertation in my book) one night, in the dark, a group of young guys was walking on the same side of the road as me, and uncharacteristically, a sense of paranoia spoke up within, so I crossed the street. I tensed up as they came closer, narrowed my eyes, put on my "hardened city look", and it ended up being my sweet neighbor and his friends. I was greeted with, "how are you tonight, sweetheart? Have a great night, honey!" Pssssht! I felt so stupid and laughed at myself all the rest of the way home.
Times I've said to myself, usually when tired, "asshole" of someone's actions, I have been shown that that "asshole" actually was a friend doing something thoughtful specifically for me that was unexpected.
The appropriate response is to let go of the out-dated views and habits as fully and quickly as you are capable, and to step as openly as possible into the next depth of revealing your innate beauty and greatness. Shine, and the faster the better. Abandon all actions that leave you feeling guilty or down on yourself, and change the habits or attitudes that have you acting so lowly toward other living beings, and towards yourself. Whenever you are frustrated or upset, whenever life dishes you a surprise you don't think you like, remind yourself to open. Don't close. That is the typical response. Be better then that. At every moment and possibility, open your heart wider, and never let yourself forget that everything that comes in this life is ultimately, an opportunity for spiritual growth and blossoming into our greatest potential in all ways. Whatever is, must be perfect. No resistance. Just be a reflection of your inner light in complete integrity with the truth of your conscience. Nothing more or less. Let the old ways fall away. Remember yourself as everything you admire most in others, and step into the role.
Love and light!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Friday, February 22, 2013
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
What you feel is what you will see..
If you feel off, sad, angry, or otherwise heavy or imbalanced, you will appear ugly to yourself.
If your mind is balanced and energy light and joyful, you will appear beautiful.
So don't live and die by the mirror.. Remember yet again to get out of your thoughts and into how you feel.. And if its a rough day, make wise choices to drink plenty of water, eat healthy lightness and energy promoting raw vegan foods, get plenty of rest and indulge in self-care.
Get out, move, walk, do yoga classes, and breathe deeply. Breathe, feel, and let it all go, moment to moment, find the fun, the sweetness in each day, and focus on gratitude..
Find a way to do something kind: volunteer, do random acts of kindness, or reach out and listen to someone who is lonely.. Give genuine encouragement to someone for their beauty, kindness, goodness, strength.. Doing good for others brings out our beauty and makes us feel good in every way.
Follow those ideas, and you will cultivate beauty from the inside out.
And ThAT will show!
Love and Blessings!~ Laura
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Friday, February 8, 2013
I have to remember, I hope you'll remember, not to focus on the low feelings, but instead to pay attention to nourish yourself.. When I feel like this I can easily get upset about what I don't have, a sweetheart, and lose touch with the amazing beauty of my life. What nourishes me is to be present, and genuine with my own heart, which is kind and loving and good. I exist to give and receive love, and hold a mirror up to others and show them their greatest potential and exquisite importance. If I am worn out, I cannot be in touch with that place of light and love and peace which I need to move from in this life. And when I return to that center, I feel the incredible rightness, or know what to do to restore that rightness within.
So don't stress being stressed. Don't worry yourself sick about being sick. Let reality be. Reality may be that you need to stop and change your plans to take care of yourself. Giving yourself to this brings peace back. Make amends with your limits. Understand that if happiness feels distant, you require nourishment, in body, heart, energy, mind, or all. Let the urge determine the cure.. Rest if you are tired, reach out to a positive loved one when you need love.. And don't get stuck in your low feelings. One of the surest cures is to do something kind for another, whomever the universe gives you the chance to help. This will bring the love back where it needs to be and help your light to shine.
This too shall pass...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
All forms of creative expression balance the second and third chakras especially, but all the root chakras, making the heart chakra more accessible and apt to open and balance, and thus effecting all the upper chakras. My purpose for writing is to share the insight that there is a strong link between visual art and intuition.
Intuition is a connection to the universal energy field, and this is accomplished through the right hemisphere of the brain, which among other qualities, utilizes pictures, visualizations, as opposed to language. The left hemisphere of the brain is the chatterbox thought-stream. All of the mediums I know receive their information mostly by images, and then key words arise. The images evoke feelings, and the description and messages comes from the impression both visually and emotionally that arise from the images.
When a person desires to draw, or rearrange the house, or do any other visually creative act, an image arises in the mind. For most is appears in fast flashes, we don't try to hold it there or to describe it. We follow the feeling left behind by that image, and unconsciously try to make our project feel the same way as the image we saw and felt.
I have seen that the more years I practice yoga and meditation, my intuition is becoming much stronger.. I am aware of these images, I can recall them, hold them in my mind's eye longer, and I can use them to follow my intuition in small and large choice each day, which is giving me an incredible level of ambient peace, happiness, health, and wholeness.
A daily example, when something is misplaced.. If I take a few breaths and clear my mind, I will almost invariably get an image of where to look, accompanied by a feeling of the space where it is.. Sometimes if the item isn't in the same building I'll draw a blank.
I use that to make any choices and to guide myself in any form of visual or material choices.. From what to eat, what to wear, to where to go on a day off, or what to do in general. And like anything else, the more you practice, the better it gets. The connection becomes clearer and more useful.
In a similar way, just by feeling, I practice using my intuition in non-visual choices, such as how to carry myself, how I am evolving in the way I speak, act, and think internally, and especially externally, as I express myself in the world. How you feel inside is one thing, but unless your thoughts, words, and actions outside of you reflect harmoniously the inner beauty of your soul, you will not have wholeness, nor will you feel you have reached your true potential.
And the more I make choices and act in harmony with the sense of inner rightness and freedom, the more my visual intuition becomes apparent in these situations. Reflect on the images in your mind that inspire you. The images within you that make you feel happy, confident, light, free, strong, excited in joy.. Those are the images to use as navigation points. Try writing about them in a journal or "visiting" with them in meditation.
We all have images that are dark, scary, violent, or fearful. These are like debris: they are fears, they are things we've taken in from movies, TV, repeats of bad energy and experiences we've absorbed. Don't ignore them totally, but don't give them any importance or press-time. Witness them, see them as "not me". Just passing through. Let them go. That's it. Breathe, witness, let go.
Whatever vibrational frequency we spend most of our time embodying, THAT is what you attract into your life. So the more frequently you can navigate your life by your inner sense of rightness, the more peace you will have, and the stronger the feelings of joy, fulfilment, inspiration, peace, health, and true happiness you will have... And the more you have those feelings, the more you will call them into your life again and again.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Sunday, February 3, 2013
That truth used to slap me in the face when I chronically had low self-esteem.. (ages 7-25)..
..but it is true.. if it angers you to read that, reflect for a moment on why.. is it because you have a hard time loving yourself?.... and why??.....
My mom gave up her career in her early twenties to take care of my dad, who wasn't bed-ridden, but not fully independent anyways. She lived a hard, sheltered, and lonely childhood... had a few years of freedom, and then met daddy, and loved him with her whole heart, and gave her whole life to caring for him. But she denied herself full independence. She didn't learn to drive. She didn't go on adventures. She stayed sheltered. With daddy being sick, this all has become apparent to me.. my mom's nervousness and self-consciousness makes this brilliant and charming woman scared or anxious whenever she leaves the house, worried about what others think of her and feeling wierd about trusting herself.. no freedom. I remember when I used to be that way.. its such constriction of the life energy, it's such debilitating anxiousness.. and we all have this at moments, or have battled with it more then we have ever admitted.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. Anais Nin
It makes me thank God that I was presented the opportunities to adventure outside of my comfort zone, and that I TOOK them! We all have opportunites presented to us.. but we don't allow ourselves to rise to them.. I'm too tired, I can't do that, that's OK, no... all the excuses to stay tightly closed in our buds, we refuse to blossom until the self-hating fatigue, until the tragedy, until the natural disaster, that FORCES us to open to life and start saying YES!
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
The new and unfamiliar is uncomfortable, but is an inherent experience in learning.. if we stop learning, growing, or changing, we stagnate, and to stagnate is to begin dying. I think all the adventures, as I call them, that I have experienced over the years.
Currently, I have made a giant hospital feel like my home, instead of clinging fearfully to the known areas, I explored, and made a new mental map.. met new wonderful people, developed new understanding, and reinforced and grew my own sense of strength, independence, and confidence. This has helped me to have the fearlessness needed to hear and follow my own inner-rightness. In following inner-rightness (or heart, or intuition, or inner-truth, as I also refer to it interchangably as) I feel my connection to the Whole very strongly. It is amazing, how developing a strong, but unselfish, sense of independence, is the greatest link to connect to oneness.
Be brave, explore your world. Try new things. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Don't let yourself freeze up. Take that trip alone, learn that new skill, visit, offer, dance, live, love, love, love!
This is your life.
Foster your own strength and indepence, it's like connecting your energetic roots to the earth.. strong legs, healthy base chakra, so that the rest of your being can bloom! Stand tall, breathe, feel, respond intuitively, don't waste time overthinking. Respond from your inner-rightness.
Get out of your comfot zone for a few minutes a day to grow your self-esteem. You will start to experience the greatest miracles and blessings in your world.
Once you become strong in you life, you love yourself.. you are in love with your Self and your life.. and you won't make the mistake of compromising your Self and Truth to pander for love.. you will have the strength and delight that breathes patience into your heart to give and receive love freely and not cling, but await greater and greater levels of love and intimacy. They are coming. Magic is happening.
with Great Love.. Laura
and at first it happens here and there...
then it happens more..
until most of our time on this earth is spent with a strong sense of inner-rightness..
it is PEACE,
it is HARMONY with YOUR individual truth,
it is FREEDOM,
and it brngs BLISS, JOY, CONFIDENCE, HEALTH.
Trust inner rightness, not fear..
trust your heart,
trust the UNKNOWN, because it IS intense, but that intensity is the feeling of
INCREDIBLE POTENTIAL ENERGY.. ready to bloom,
but you can't fight it, you have to open to it,
or else your constant questioning will leave you second-guessing into missing every opportunity and beautiful experience life is brining to your hands.
FOLLOW YOU R HEART.. let go of all past, even if it hurts.. because EVERYTHING is fleeting, and love is here in the moment, even if its not from where you wished it to be coming.. and brighter and brighter experiences will come..
the more you live in integrity with your truth, the more whole your satisfaction becomes in life, and love finds you, success finds you, happiness finds you..
it takes PATIENCE to wait for the best gifts.. but each day contains mini-miracles. Stay open and they will rise to meet your eyes, and bring a smile to your lips, put the sway back in your hips, and give you everlasting joy in this world, in spite of an external circumstances.
Friday, February 1, 2013
life being random and cruel
seeing the purposeful connections from one moment to the next...
jealousy and fear that you won't be loved
feeling the unselfish love in your own heart and flowing to you...
So often we fixate on where we want the love to come from, we specify, and we are dissappointed because our ardent hope is dashed. This seems to make great sense, and it is natural.. we will feel the let down.. but if we open ourselves... you witness the fact that love isn't coming from where you wanted it, and keep your heart wide open..
I often say to myself.. "Oh well.. I am still surrounded by love, and more love is coming, just not where I wanted it to, but even greater love is coming, and will come, from the most perfect places." I have great faith in this. Not blind faith, or frightened faith, but tried-and-true faith that comes from experiencing it over and over..
Relationships, friendships, strangers, momentary interactions and connections that last for years..
I don't try to force it or fake it.. even if you love someone and feel a soul connection, it doesn't mean its going to be a relationship.. The connection will be mutual and FULL, there will be no question or doubts when it will be such.. but the love and the discovery we experience in any soul connection.. be it a flash of eye contact and a smile from the soul in passing on the street or in the hall... a friendship.. or a romantic relationship... is ALL purposeful and helps us to blossom into our full beauty. We have to be honest with what the connection feels like..
and don't fight it or try to shape it..
because it is all purposeful and perfect,
just as it unfolds!
And all the love we need for our most magnificent unfolding into the fullness of our life-purpose and greatest fulfilment is here, and is coming, and will always come...
just at the right moment..
but not necessarily in the form or from where we wanted it.
Sometimes we need to feel alone, or handle things on our own, even when we don't want to, but it helps build independence, strength, understanding, insight, clarity and peace. But at just the right time, love comes.. and when it comes to finding a partner.. I want it more then anyone.. but I will not force it, fight it, or fake it. It WILL come, and when it does, it will be worth every false alarm, heart-break, and lonely moment.
I look at each day as an adventure.. and I feel that even in a tragedy, there can be a strong sense of inner rightness.. and again, I believe it because I feel it in my own life. I am writing this in the hospital, with my father, who is pretty sick, but doing so well in the circumstances. I have accepted that reality, and I am holding the space with vibrant love and peace, because I feel SO MUCH rightness.. that I am in the right place and this is inevitable. I am in harmony with the Universe/Reality/God, whatever you want to name it as, I am in harmony, inner rightness is the indicator.. and we all have this ability, as human beings.
And TRUST in your resilience..
And trust that your life story is unfolding..
if you can be true to your heart,
everything you ever wanted may not come,
but your every dream can come true..
it wil just be BETTER then you could've planned it yourself..
remember all the times that you've called someone that said they just picked up the phone to call you..
or you 'randomly', spontaneously end up somewhere, and bump into a friend or meet someone new that resonates with your heart and uplifts you..
..that is the stuff that builds faith in the fact that life is filled with magic, beauty, it IS a vinyasa, a purposeful arrangement to encourage us and provide us everything for our blossoming into greatness and fullness of individual potential and purpose.
Believe THAT, remember how many times tiny miracles like those have happened, and bigger ones as well, and let it keep you strong.. and know..
love is coming, it is everywhere, it is here, it is within you.. and if you open your heart, open your heart, OPEN YOUR HEART, and realize, it MAY not be coming from where you want it to, but it IS coming, and where it does come from will be perfect.. And love gets better and better and better each time.. the bigger the heart aches you've felt, the deeper the future joys will be.
By Laura Harrison
everything has a purpose,
pain is a cracking open,
to even greater depths,
heart wider each time you heal.
so why are you fighting reality?
will banging your fists change a thing?
or ask yourself what you are resisting,
to begin to live your life gracefully.
we all feel pain, we all have truths,
that are too painful to accept
all at once
it is a pain so sharp
so tearing to our flesh
like searing and scooping out the organs
sucking all the wind from the lungs
pulling all of the light from the sky...
I know these pains,
I have felt them too,
but I have learned
a new way
to not deny the agony
to feel the inconsolable pain
but not to take it into me
and crystalize it
and tell myself lies
"this pain is me"
or to form around it
as if it were my identity..
to do so is to build a monument in the middle of my mind,
to lay out a shrine of worship,
to that which I wish didn't exist..
it is the surest way to misery.
So I do not deny my agony,
instead I let it tear through me,
I let the tears flow,
I face it,
I feel it,
I don't let my brain obsess,
I confess, it becomes easier with time,
I feel the misery,
I feel everything else,
and I don't close against the pain,
I open like a flower,
I blossom into reality,
even in agony,
I am free.
try it over and over again,
and breath by breath,
set you free.
Give it time,
and when you suffer,
ask yourself what you are fighting,
and your awareness
will begin highlighting
all the ways you resisted your salvation.
I am not saying there is a promise of no pain,
but suffering is an option that is caused in your brain
stop rejecting what already is,
and you are already free,
and your joy may not always be complete,
but it will be deep,
with tint of melancholy.