Agony Gives Birth to Peace...

There is a low hum of agony and discomfort in many lives.. We all experience this at times.. 

Those of us living in the cold, we are part of the agony of anticipating the blooming of Spring, us and all of nature. We await the arrival of milder winds and greenery with our tired bodies and aching minds, like we all long for embodied freedom, which is a slow, intense but beautiful process.

I am not belittling your agony, your longing, your suffering.. And I do not say that you deserve to hurt.. But it is a fact that the discomfort forces us to seek what brings about peace and in that we reveal authenticity...

If you focus on gratitude and the even tiny things that bring you joy and inspiration, you will have an easier time with the challenges you face. Easier time, relatively, as they are not easy.. But why make things harder than they must be?!

There is a way that is not avoidance or complacency, a place of constant growth and movement, that is not totally cozy but not abrasive.. It is a place of aliveness.. Freshness.. The discomfort of learning should be revered and encouraged.. Never grow so lazy that you reject the newness of growth..

Stay vulnerable.. Accept the agonies and longings that fire up and burn at your soul.. They are the forge-fires and your conscious way of handling your experience is what allows your greatest potential to emerge, one bellow's breath at a time. Your consciousness is the blacksmith of your life, if you allow it to be..

Our pain is not nothing, our hurts are real and need proper healing... But we ARE NOT TO BE DEFINED BY OUR HURTS, OUR SCARS, OUR AGONY, OUR PAST.. We define ourselves in each moment by how we work with our experinces. There is no perfection in this.. This is sloppy, tear-stained work. This is work for ourselves alone and for reaching out to loving souls who uplift & empower our healing and naturally reflect our greatness back at us. It is in your honest, raw vulnerability; in owning your feelings, in honoring your truth; in being okay with falling but getting up again; in being tender enough to love yourself, and have enough compassion to see how deeply twisted & tortured others are inside if they can knowingly do harm to others.. In standing your ground firmly but compassionately, yet unapologetically, setting healthy & genuine boundaries; that brings about real healing, and reveals your highest truth.

STOP WAITING for perfection!! Don't WAIT for someday to have happiness or peace or to fully live.. Someday you'll be dead.. Live from your heart everyday! Perfection is in the lines on your hands and face, the dirt under your nails, in your tears and laughter, in the gratitude for food, love & beauty, in the ease of real comfort within your own skin, soul shining boldly and brightly through every pore. Peace isn't found when discomfort stops, it's found when you realize that discomfort, no matter how deep, is transient, but who you are is the light-consciousness that is steady, infinite, untarnished, and full of loving peace, witnessing this brief human journey. 

The Only Man Who Could Deserve Me

I can handle the sweet and subtle agony of longing for you,

Like a fire lashing at me from the inside,

Love for you,
Or just a thought
or sight of an object,
triggering a cascade of nostalgia
Pouring through my body
Like tiny pebbles stinging me
And the slight descending sadness resulting from
Each point of contact

I can handle the agony of missing
Of mother torn from child
When my son returns to his father
And I know
Truly what it is to ache

Now you
Finally I meet you in the flesh
Though I've longed for you
For so long
Before I knew you
Were the one who
I longed for

And we knew
We have known
Each other before
But Never more
Has this space
Between us
Been set on fire
Like it assaults my being
As if I'm lying on my bed
Longing for you
To take me
But you're not here
Not abandoning me
You are busy
This writhing is healthy

My son taught me
First
That we have to miss
The ones we love most
Though I knew it long ago
He made me accountable
To sanctify
And protect
The one relationship
I can and will never leave
The one
Between him and me

And who would've thought
He'd prepare me for this?
That, by God,
And everything seen
And unseen
That I never knew
You would come to mean
This much to me,
And upon my word,
Me to you.

This.

This is what people starve to death waiting for..

Souls starve when they aren't seen,
Hidden in their flesh,
Like a jewel in a temple,
Praying, dreaming, begging,
To be set free.

Merely Seeing another's soul can be enough,
And All it needs
To shine and live on
In another day of drudgery

I am not starving any longer,
I feast
When I see you see me,
And one day
Perhaps
I will end every night worshipping
the One Soul
Reflected in your one soul
My body
Pouring vast love
Through longing fingers
And lips
The Universe Itself
Loving you through me

Until that day
I am no child
I am wise

And I have learned that love requires sacrifice

So I will make sure
To break my own heart
Just a little
Over and over
As I do for my son
To be the mother he deserves
And I will do it for you
Because though this love may fade
I will do everything in my power to
Keep it alive
To set it ablaze, to make it thrive..

So I will break my heart
Just a little
Everyday
To keep this torrent of love flowing
It takes a subtle stream of melancholy
A small sacrifice
To protect the sanctity
Of this precious bond given to you and me


But tell me,
my love,
tonight,

When you are without me,
When you lie down,
And shut off the light,

close your eyes,
let yourself be still,
and breathe deeply,

So ....slowly,

like you would if I were near,

and in your mind & senses
Imagine me there-
recall
the feel of my skin,
My playful laughter,
& Incandescent smiles,
As my eyes
see into your soul...

And
Now open your eyes
Know I am far,
& read these words,
that caress your divine consciousness,

And
tell me,
What does your soul say?
Do you merely 'think' you love me?

Tell me, does your soul rattle the walls of your body,
Is it longing for me??

Oh, you are no fool.
You know what you did by being busy tonight.
You know exactly what you've done to me,
And that
Is exactly why
You are the only man who can
Possibly deserve me.

I, too, am no fool,
I know that if I'm on fire
So are you
And I
Will
Gently
Resist
And
Make
You
Take
Me
First
Again.

Hold The Space For You

I know you're hurting,
Uncomfortable
Growing
maybe
Writhing under your calm exterior
Confusion under your usual knowing
Barely showing
what you're really feeling
Reeling
Silently enduring
In the middle
Of a big transition
Even gurus
Go through
Because we are all divine
And all human too

I know how it feels, baby
I feel it too.
I'm in the middle of my own.
What if I say
These sweet words to you?...

It doesn't matter
if you don't know who you are
All the love you feel
Even the pain,
The light that shines through you
Is the light of ancient stars

You don't need to say a word
And I will understand
Whether or not you want
to hold my hand
I will hold the space for you
Silently shine my love on you
No attachment to what you find is true
Just holding the space in love and light for you

If you don't know right now
Who you are and what you feel
I can step back quietly
And let you watch it be revealed

Accountability
doesn't often catch up
to people like you and me
Because we are usually the guides
But teacher is a role
I know you know
That role is often turned
But you know how
To maintain peace
So that your inner disintegration
Can't be discerned
You can feel
More than most ever feel
Breathe
Stay with it
And never let it be revealed
That your whole world
Was destroyed inside of you
That you just adopted
Another freshly updated world view
But it is a wholly different vulnerability
Exposed between you and me
When I feel what you feel and you feel what I do
There's nowhere to hide
It's intense and it's true
Like you're inside of me and I am inside of you

And I wonder
To myself
And now out loud..
I am no less if you just don't love me
But I somehow
Feel like you came
To a wound
To a question
Or to a thought
And it got on top of you
And it dragged you
Out of feeling
Into it's chambers
Within your brain
It's pain
And Sobering slap
Broke the trance
And out of love you came

Did you not want to ask for me to step aside and witness
Or to leave you alone?
Did you not want me to see you
In your process,
In your home?
I know that you are Divinity
But you have no images of sanctity
To uphold with me
God knows how to hurt
Become lost
Or utilize vice
Just as readily as he can channel sacred advice
And this goddess didn't judge
Wouldn't judge
In fact
Only loved.
Held the space,
Gazed admiringly upon your face.
In your humanness
Like well-worn antique furniture
Your beauty is most revealed.

No matter how much I love you
Your path will always be your own
And no matter where I go
I will always be at home
My own heart is my anchor
Each moment
I savor
Even in excruciating pain
My loving light remains
And I accept reality
Wholeheartedly

Even if you did chose
To share this life with me
We each will need to pull away
At certain seasons and flows
Some things can only be revealed
When we feel totally alone

I can hold a space for that
For truth, no matter what
I can accept the mystery of life ahead
And focus on the moment
And it doesn't stop the intuitive imagery I receive
But it takes two of us choosing it
If it ever will be conceived

So if your heart says no to me
And that may be the truth
I can hold that space and bow
No matter how much I can feel for you
Nothing overrides the truth in each now
Honest feeling is the proof
But sometimes strands of feeling
Become tangled, like string
So I honor you know what choice to make
Because it changes everything
And I am here
For truth
Becoming clear
Through the experiences
Loss, creation and sustaining
Never do I want feigning
My loving light always is remaining

And maybe I'm wrong
This has nothing to do with me
And I can accept that too
this is just my release
To
Let
You
Go

Before I let it fade
In order to get it out of me
I had to let you know
What I feel
And the opportunity

And all I am is love and light
And all I want is what's real and right
By no one's standards
But our own

And I hold the space
For truth alone
In love and light
wherever I go.

You

You bring me to that fountain of boundless love
Love-consciousness
You dissolve my form
And melt it into infinite starry skies
No limitations exist between you and I

Now I understand that this love
Is ours and also not ours
Our role is to control it
Not crush it
But aim it
Yes, into each other
But also into every gesture
Every handshake
Hug
Smile
Into every action
Every breath
Every being
We see
Along the way
Ours is to shine this love
Through our eyes
And pour it openly
Over the landscape
And into the souls
Human, plant and animal
Mineral
All..

And in trusting the same
Inner knowing which
Beyond all probability
Brought together you and me
Guide ourselves in line
with individual truth
But share those truths and create a third
The connection between you and I
Is an effortless channel of the Divine
And our duty and delight
Is to share this amazing
Loving light

Forgive me my love if I ever get stuck
In loops of immense gratitude
Of celebrating the luck
The grace
That ever showed me your face
My love
Who I have surely known before

We are each other's path
Two together can transcend
And expand much faster
Than independently
And it is so easy
So easy
Because I love you
Effortlessly
And from far
Beyond
My form alone.

We are together
Finally
And it's clearly
God's will
That we will
Spread love
Healing
Hope
Everywhere we go
We were given each other
For each other
And for the benefit
Of this entire world

And you..
I will never be done showing you
Telling you
The way the entire universe loves you through me
Worshipping at the temple of your Divinity
All of my lifetimes
Could not be enough
To exhaust
This love
For you,
My sacred love.