Healing My Root Wound~ The Unseen Little Girl

The root wound is the initial and underlying wound in this current lifetime that provides a major impetus to seek growth, evolution and eventually, to discover one's life purpose. This wound tends to be the underlying wound aggravated by all other wounds, the place one is offended or riled up.  It can subconsciously drive and alter one's actions until it is discovered, acknowledged, excavated, processed, and finally healed.

There are truly only so many root wounds, like archetypal karmas, the major wound(s) we are dealt in our formative years help us to discover our strengths by facing and working out our weaknesses. It provides an opportunity to decide to believe in ourselves, and to make choices about what we are willing to accept in life. It helps us to set boundaries, to see what we truly want in our lives, and to appreciate the people we have that are worth cherishing. Surviving abuse and trauma gives us a matrix through which to develop our sense of self, even if it is often a painful process.

For most of us these wounds fall into a few basic types: being alone/unseen/unsupported, being trapped/controlled/smothered, being abused emotionally or physically or tortured, and any combination thereof. I'm sure there are more, but these are the most basic underlying wounds.

For me, my wound is being unseen and unsupported and thus feeling alone.

With the ending of a powerful but short relationship recently, I have come to a place, not just of recognition of this lifelong wound, but being able to touch its face, to truly feel its influence within me, and to glimpse back at the underlying feeling of its presence at each stage of my life so far. I am doing everything in my ability to process it, and let it heal. I think because of its nature, once processed, it will truly heal with the ability to not only continue being happy and satisfied with my own company and by living in integrity with my truth, but in being able to do that while forming deeper connections with others, especially a male figure...

~

In my life story, I have always deep down loved my own heart. I know my own value and beauty. I know that I am a precious, feminine, strong but sweet soul. I am unique, and never was interested in falling in line, but would rather walk to my own beat and live on my own terms. However, because of being so different, born as an only child into a family that was always emotionally withdrawn into their own internal battles, I was always the little girl on her own.

Even when I had good friends, even with my own family, my moments of true connectedness were fleeting because of the underlying feeling of disconnect.

I developed my individuality more deeply through this feeling of individuality and often aloneness. I know how to spend hours happily without anyone else's company. I can walk into any situation comfortable. I know what I like and what I don't, I love adventure, I am not afraid to try things and stumble.

But what of the disconnect, what does and did it mean and where is it leading??

Although I know my beauty inside and out, and always felt sweet, special, and bright, because I never knew what it was to be truly seen, soul to soul, truly recognized and given FULL attention, I became wildly insecure on the surface. I never fit in, which is very common for creative & authentic beings in a society and school culture that encourages conformity and making waves. Being sensitive to energy, and highly empathetic, without knowing it or what it meant or how it works, also gave me a layer of discomfort to deal with, that I projected onto myself.

Not being seen made me lonely. I never felt complete bonds with people around me, like I saw in other people with their siblings, parents and best friends. I always felt some distance, however unspoken. Besides not being seen, I never had consistent supportive male energy in my life. Never. Absolutely not pat of my life story this time, not yet at least.

Energy comes in yin and yang, female and male wavelengths, and the two together are like perfect compliments, setting each other off in the best of ways. We crave this naturally, and if we don't have healthy connections with both kinds of energy, it really causes us unrest. It doesn't need to be a sexual relationship like we are fooled into thinking: daddy's little girl, momma's little man, siblings, best friends, as well as romantic connections satisfy this need of yin to be balanced by yang.

The root wound is both a gift and a curse: it catalyzes your discovery of you individuality and forces you to grow in order to end you suffering and become free. It also is a sneaky weak-point that will manifest itself in every situation, manipulating your actions and desires; powerfully while it is unconscious, and then with diminishing force as it is revealed and healed gradually.

The relationship I had recently was filled with awakenings and finally, a truly equal and clear feeling of connection with male energy, I felt like I had my perfect compliment in that partnership. Finally experiencing that level of connection, eye to eye, heart to heart, soul to soul, revealed to me just how uneven and out of balance my previous connections were. It brought a lot of more subtle variations of my underlying wound of abandonment and being unseen to the surface, and with his generous outpouring of loving support, I was able to see how these wounds were stuck in my heart and body subtly, and release them.. through tears, through acknowledgment, and through simply being held- supported, fully, where I had never been before.

In fact, right when I came to the point where I wasn't in such a state of extra neediness, when I came to a pretty steady state and was ready to start fresh with a new, more even balance in that beautiful relationship, it as ended. Right when it was about to begin as an equal partnership. Gone.

My best friend, my equal partner, and the only equally conscious & steady male energy I feel I had possibly ever had in my life. Male nor female, I had never felt THAT level of clear connection with another being; loving of each other for even the subtlest details, seeing every particle of each other's soul and consciousness so naturally and celebrating it with such high vibes and feelings of real oneness- the level of connection that I had always longed for and knew existed but never had quite found. I was truly SEEN, and completely this time; a new level of vulnerability and partnership that I had never quite experienced. My soul was ecstatic and it felt natural and right. And  now it was gone. The story of my life, so far. NOT the story line I will continue on, but it definitely reflected my root wound AGAIN.

Abandonment. I WAS seen, finally, but no longer. NO male supportive energy in my life.


Its a process working on such a long-term wound.. it takes work in layers, and we can only work as far into it as we can reach at any given time. So as our consciousness expands, so does our ability to heal that ancient wound.. disempower its ability to control our actions and desires..

So with the loss of that special relationship, I have suffered deeply.

I don't question my beauty in all ways, in fact, I LOVE being who I am, I am so comfortable in my own skin, that the vast majority of my time I am blissfully delighted to be able to slink around this world in this petite and feminine form. I LOVE to be me, and furthermore, I truly like spending hours to myself, even alone in a crowd. Happy!! So my suffering didn't come from the rejection itself. I know my worth.

At first it was the preciousness of this individual connection that haunted me. How can we be that rich in love that we can afford to slaughter one of the deepest soul connections imaginable?! I know from experience that when the universe brings such a connection, the one who embraces it and protects and cherishes it, will receive an even deeper one if the other partner decides to throw it away, so I know that I am covered. But this relationship, in many ways, was truly special. Why kill it before it really got off the ground?? When it ended, it was with mutual respect and kindness. All the more precious...

I usually don't take more than a week or two to accept that something is over and get past it, because I know love will find me, and I refuse to accept less than being truly cherished. But this one keeps haunting me, and coming back in waves. Tearing my soul apart. Why?!

Good question.

What the hell does the universe want with me? I am moving on with my life, working on myself, working to heal and actively let go, generally VERY present, VERY grateful, very open to the adventure in each day, with a very loving heart.

So why is this so rough?? Why does it keep coming back and trying to kill me from the inside?

Last night, when I thought I was past the worst and pretty much done with it all, the pain swelled up into unbearable levels. The tears burst out, the pain devoured me, and I let my heart break open again, to expand beyond the pain, and swallow it. Its like fighting for your life- or your happiness and freedom at least.

And then after some riding, nature time, crying, driving, crying, sitting by the river alone for a gorgeous sunset and firefly-filled dusk, and crying some more and settling, it dawned on me.

I didn't finish my work on my root wound with him, I just started it. This isn't about losing him or our individual connection anymore.

This is my root would begging for healing. Time to dig deeper. Hey, maybe I can go all the way this time...

I have come so far in these 33 years of life.

I have learned that I shine brightly, so I should never suppress that, whether I am alone or in a crowd, whether I am well-received or ignored or even despised, I am glamorous, friendly and full of loving-charm and kindness. I will not tone that down. And even if no man sees how gorgeous I look, how graceful I am, how my hips sway when I walk, I KNOW it, I SEE it, I FEEL it, and it fills me with love, to love BEING, to love being alive. God-consciousness is the fabric of all that is, so if I see it, the Universe sees it, and that is enough.


No one is perfected, and I am a work in progress, however, I have the ownership of my uniqueness pretty well down. I have the comfort I my skin, I have the ability to be alone and not lonely. But we are not here JUST to perfect individuality, but equally to realize oneness through resonant connections, sacred partnerships, and real service to each other, one heart to another.

I have a really beautiful and sacred bond with my young son, and part of my healing is to have an open and deep relationship with him. That is major blessing in my life, something so precious that I cannot even put it into words.

I spent the first 33 years of my life feeling only partial connections with others, and only fleeting moments of pure soul to soul connection with egos in the way.

I have now found many female mirrors of consciousness, where we can really have profound moments of love-consciousness loving itself through two forms. My students and I will reflect love-consciousness at each other too, in some really beautiful moments. But on a truly personal and enduring level, I have precious female luminaries that come in and out of my life like fireflies, but no consistent deeply resonant male energy. It seems to be the missing part, the part of the wound that hasn't healed. I can find female connections, but as for that deeper, balancing interplay between male and female energy, THAT is hard to find, and when it comes, they haven't been able to hold a place in my life, they seem to need to run away from the intensity of the light formed in the powerful alchemy of male and female merging in a truly sacred way.   

~

I think that the next stage of my life is all about taking that unadulterated individuality of mine, and exploring relationships of all sorts. Without compromising my worth or truth, how can I create soul-deep bonds.. and especially with male energy.

I am a simple person and an empath, so don't get me wrong, I need my alone time and plenty of it to remain balanced and healthy. If I spend time with people I know too much, I get drained. Or too much time in crowds of strangers.. I also need that vibe of oneness, I need to feel my individuality in the crowd of the whole, and I am nourished by the potential energy of connection in the crowds. I keep most people at arms length in my daily life so that I have a sanctuary to retreat into to recharge and move, breathe and live on 100% my own terms.  

I have a deep pull, perhaps to heal my root wound, and to fulfill my life path in this lifetime, to eventually find that male counterpart... and though it takes openness and work, create a relationship together that gives us the support and freedom to be purely individual and at the same time feel completely loved, cherished, and connected to another, and thus the whole.

I cannot force this into being and it is a choice made by both individuals. Even when married, it is a choice made in the daily- choosing to uphold the love and defend it from the bad habits of the mind in stress, defend it from deterioration by choosing to reconnect and fall in love over and over again, choosing to remain vulnerable to each and to open more fully into that over and over again, instead of closing, which is easier, but emptier and choosing to love each other every step of each other's individual discovery, which means getting each other's backs in good times and bad, and sometimes having to watch each other suffer and be able to do nothing about it but be there with love.

It'll come when it shall, and I am all for it when it finally does.

But what I have learned from coming this far into healing my root wound of being unseen and alone and unsupported by male energy is this~

-I don't care how good it feels to have that male energy in my life, I will not settle for less than an equal and incredibly profound, soul deep connection, and if he cannot be an equal partner in all ways, its gotta go. I REFUSE to ever waste my time trying to open someone's eyes to my goodness and the depth of our connection. If he can throw it away, he doesn't deserve it. End of story. My love is NOT a burden and I will not waste it on a man who acts like it is. Never again.

-I'd rather be alone or despised from a distance for opening my arms and spinning and giggling in the park all by myself than surrounded by false friends or people that I don't resonate with. Quality over quantity. Always and forever. I will be me and be tight in my integrity, no matter what.

-Until resonant and complimentary male energy comes along, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. I will play, I will be glamorous, I will go to shows, I will dance. Once that complimentary male energy comes, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. But I will slowly let myself make a bond, IF he shows himself to truly be my equal, including in his openness to true love and partnership. I will be me, and I will let myself become vulnerable slowly and I will let myself be supported when I need it, but I will let him show me and prove to me that he is my equal.. not just for a few weeks or few months.. I will believe it when I see it, and actions speak louder than words. Falling in love is not enough, I need a partner whose choices and actions with uphold that love, defend it in all ways, and embrace it without fear or trepidation. I will not give him the credit of being my equal until I see it for myself and see it truly maintained for a bit of time. No more handing out status based on the connection itself or the love itself- are you man enough to cherish and openly own our love and relationship? Are you man enough to hold this love sacred within your heart, mind and life?  Okay then!  ...and if you are willing to give me up, and are okay with losing me, I am not okay with you, because this is not what I was looking for. I am not looking for a lesson, a transient partner, something temporary or fleeting; I am not looking for a client to heal, and I am not looking for training wheels. I am looking for my equal; someone that knows how to love and knows that the grass doesn't get greener than me, and our love- one who knows how to savor life and live fully, because life and love are what we make of them.  

-Relationship is sacred and part of my spiritual practice as an individual, not separate at all. Oneness and individuality are a fluid interconnected part of the fabric of who we are and all that is.

-I will not motivate myself out of loneliness or shameless desire for (male)attention. Only my own desire for balance and inner rightness/intuition shall guide me. If I draw eyes because I am bright and amazing, so be it. But even if I don't, I'm still going to shine. No holding back, no pandering for attention.



So in the meantime... no, there is no meantime.. its my life.

I will cherish those that TRULY SEE my soul, even for a moment here and there, and I will continue to be a seer and celebrator of the souls of others. I will form real connections where they exist.

And if I am not seen by others, I am seen by my Self, and thus the Universe, and that is enough. If I have no male support in my life, which is the aspect that is REALLY missing, I will not settle.. The yin will find its perfect yang in due time. I shall keep believing. Its more than possible, its on its way.

I will never settle.

I am beautiful, seen or unseen, and I will never doubt that again. It's time to make that a solid state of being and way of life, for good.  

Freedom From Body Dysmorphia

Part of becoming free for me, a major part, was finding a way to have peace inside this body of mine. It has been a long process and it seems like it's becoming increasingly subtle... The most grueling aspects seem to be behind me..

Overcoming eating disorders, looking into my experience to discover that "feeling fat" was actually just energetic imbalance remedied by lifestyle, and finding a way to allow the external layer of my body stay harmonious with my internal ocean of spirit and heart were the major tasks. The latter is the topic of reflection in this article.

In my younger years I felt tomboyish and that I was never pretty or feminine externally, although inside I felt I truly was. This rift caused me a lot of suffering.. It's the same sort of suffering felt by transgendered people, or anyone caught in living a lie and not fully conscious of it's landscape or knowing of a way to fix it.

This false feeling of being boyish and never pretty enough led me to carry an image inside my head that was entirely distorted and different from my external appearance.

Body dysmorphia: when the internal feelings and image of self are not congruent with external reality.

For years looking to rid myself of the remnants of jilted self-image, incongruency and insecurity, I became very ascetic. I also sought to take the least from earth's resources as possible, so I used it as an excuse to deny myself a lot of luxuries.

I didn't use products in my hair, I didn't use any makeup, I didn't dye my hair, I only bought second-hand clothes (except for underwear), and a lot of these principles I still utilize, but now joyfully.

I made myself go without these things and it showed me what I didn't need to feel whole. It also showed me that which I did. All of my friends had colorful and beautifully-styled hair, and wore gorgeous make-up. I tortured myself, because how could I feel beautiful standing next to them?

At the time I didn't realize that I wasn't ugly or plain, that my essence was crying out to have an external expression in line with my internal beauty and sweetness.

I am thankful for that time of simple denial, though, because I learned that I don't need much. I don't need every fancy serum and cream and make-up item and I don't need a thousand products and I don't need to dye my hair. Most of my clothing is second-hand and I wouldn't have it any other way. I use very few make-up items, I use baking soda and vinegar to wash my hair (and it's so healthy!), and very little product, if any. I have learned that all I need is exactly what I need, no more, no less, to help me to feel expressed as a beautiful soul and woman.

Sometimes we hide a subtle layer of our wounds under a label or crutch though..

And mine was the length of my hair. I no longer had to question if I was feminine, I had pretty make-up, flattering clothing that I feel good in, and long hair. I always enjoyed the look of certain short styles but when I cut my hair I'd feel like I was tomboyish again.. I had a relapse of sorts.

Well, after having my hair long for a few years, I decided to chop it spontaneously. I felt empowered. Then a day later I felt butch. Then I felt frustrated and annoyed that I did this, again... But instead of bashing myself internally or letting the latent wound-residues arising consume me, I focused on cultivating happiness with what is. In front of me is a me, with short hair. I am a playful, wise, and sweet woman with a child-like jovial personality. I am loving, feminine, and kind. I have a swing in my hips when I walk and a dance-like way of moving.

I realized that old views were arising within me, remnants of scars surfacing, when I removed the crutch of long hair.

I realized that STILL, my inner perception of appearance was not connected to how I actually look. I realized that the silent, subtle image I carried of myself inside was tomboyish, plain, and chunky. I wasn't even fully aware of this until I had cut my hair. In fact, I realized that I was stuck in a transition, where, when my energy felt good and balanced, I had an updated internal self-image that was beautiful, bright, slender and feminine. When I felt worn-out or imbalanced, that old self-image of chunky, heavy, boyish, plain and frumpy "me" was in my mind.. So subtly, like a hologram, like a ghost or whisper, it was there, tainting my every moment.

I have since practiced gazing in the mirror and seeing myself objectively. I don't fixate on subtle imperfections, but focus on my beauty. I update my inner image to see the radiance of my eyes and smile, I realize the ways that my external form is reflecting inner light. I don't get stuck, I let myself keep updating. Change is the nature of reality, energy flows like a river, never stuck unless we ourselves dam it up with debris. But I accept where I am right now, see my beauty, and will keep letting my external appearance reflect my inner river of love-consciousness.

And I have discovered that when I chopped off all of that hair, I felt energetically lighter. I used to fixate on growing my hair longer and longer, to feel more feminine and worthy. Now I realize that while I want my hair long enough to pin up if I wish, I may not grow it super long, at least not right away. I discovered that when we are highly attuned to energy, we can feel all the energy contained in the hair and it is beneficial to free ourselves of it or only carry an amount that allows us to feel whole, harmonious with our truth, and free. It should never be a burden. I am exploring a whole new view of myself and will not rush back to the complacency and safety of long hair. I will fully acknowledge this experience and distill every bit of growth from it possible.

Over the years, through trial-and-error, I learned to keep my energy balanced and body strong, and mind relaxed most of the time, even under a decent amount of stress. Parenthood upped the ante an forced me to withstand higher and higher stress levels and remain conscious and avoid slipping into old, spastic patterns of behavior.

However, there is no end to how free we can become. We can keep finding subtle holding patterns, subtle conditioned beliefs that hold us back in many ways, and choose to release them.

We are light-beings.. Energy.. And we manifested this body. It reflects our congruency with personal authenticity and it reflects our gaps between our truth and action. It doesn't lie.

We are meant to find completely freedom and comfort within the earthly clothing of this body. We are the merging, the interface, of metaphysical energy (spirit) and physical. By seeking inhibition, wellness, and wholeness, we accomplish this mission. We free ourselves of the blockages and distractions and imprisoning ideas that block us just BEING.

Your uniqueness is who you are. Your passions and curiosities are meant to be explored and expressed. Your externals are meant to reflect your internal truths. All things congruent and harmonious, you are simply a prism through which formless Spirit flows into this world of form and creates, feels, plays, experiences and enjoys, through your body. Your body is the conduit of Spirit.

It is not easy work to get free, but it is worthwhile. You can hurt, and feel the raw aches and pains of the expansion of consciousness voluntarily, as well as the incredible peaks of unexplainable bliss and ecstasy that are also part of the path... Or you can roll around in the endless agony of trying to stay stuck and small and live a lie when the entire universe conspires to catalyze your fullest expansion.

Inner Image & Interaction

There is a view of ourselves that we unconsciously carry... Often derived from the labels we have identified with and our insecurities accrued over the years...

I believe that carrying an outdated or distorted inner image of oneself is the root of body dysmorphia (along with intense sensitivity to energy & no knowledge as to how to care for & balance one's energy field)... And that it is one of our greatest obstacles preventing us from stepping into the life of fulfillment and abundance that we deserve. If we see ourselves in a false and "ugly" way, we cannot see ourselves successful and happy, and keep ourselves trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage.

Made conscious we can update this inner image.. Which is crucial because a picture is worth a thousand words, and this inner view contains a weight, a tone, a whole way of relating to oneself and the world.

For example, for most of my life I saw myself as ugly, stocky, plain and tomboyish. Most people say I am none of these things. So I have been rehabbing my inner image for years, but most consciously and intently over the last couple months. I am seeing positive changes in the way I feel day-to-day.

I am cultivating what I know myself to be in the way I carry myself, dress, act and relate to others, and I take a few minutes each day to notice what I actually look like. I make the changes to my appearance necessary in order to keep a sense of rightness and congruency.. That my outer self reflects my heart and inner truth. And I notice what I actually look like and the difference between that and the standard/habitual image in my mind.

Typically we stare at and fixate on what we consider our flaws.. And all we do is torture ourselves with that practice. Take care of yourself, of course, but accept your uniqueness as well.. Focus on your beauty, your shine, your power, your spark..

It takes a while to update the mental picture we habitually carry of ourselves, but without doing so, we allow ourselves to manifest our entire life based on a version of ourselves craved out of our insecurities, fears and shame. This is a version of ourself that may never have materially existed, but because it exists within our mind, we create our life as that person.

Strive to update your inner face, see yourself for your best qualities. Wen you practice balanced self-care, you will feel good, and when you feel good internally, you will enjoy what you see externally. What we see is interpreted by the brain, after all.

Contemplation of Perfection

See past your obstacles and current reality to the ultimate reality... Train your eyes to bow to your heart.

Know that you are the love and kindness you give to others, you are the beauty and strength you see in others as well.. Do not make space for jealousy~ jealously means that you have found a reflection of a piece of your soul that you have not yet allowed yourself to express or experience.

Love is abundant, but you will not feel this until you can stop hating yourself for being human.

Hold no space for excuse making, take full responsibility for your health and happiness every day, do not pass the buck to others.. Not even your family, your friends, your doctors or your government. At the same time, be patient.. Know that transformation is a process and that trial-and-error learning is our forte as humans.

Perfect yourself to live in dynamic alignment with your passions, joys, things that set you free, bring you health and a sense of inner peace/rightness.. But discard repeatedly the false concept of a sort of perfection that doesn't contain quirks, stumblings, or changes. That perfection is non-existent and it's pursuit will destroy your possibilities for happiness and wellness, as well as undermine your discovery and expression of your individual life purpose and light. 

You are never supposed to be anything other than your most raw and deepest sense of truth indicates. Ever. Please stop being afraid to be so amazing and powerful and instead make the most of your gifts and light. 

Life is Lived in the In-between

This world of form is based on the clashing and dynamic balancing of all opposing forces..

Yet we can't seem to accept being in the middle... Or the constant currents of flow between the extremes which seeks to create the homeostatic balance.

We are all or nothing, 

We are obsessing or avoiding,

We are dogmatic or have no boundaries, 

We are all negative & hopeless or positive in a way that doesn't accept pain or suffering, 

We are extroverts or introverts,

We are lethargic or in constant activity...

There's no room for in between in our culture, but it is the In between where we exist, and where the balance that provides freedom and authenticity is found.

We are not the labels, we are not the ideas, we are not the rules...

We are fabulous shades of gray in between all extremes. Life is lived beyond all containers and labels and concepts. All of that is trying to point you to your actual experience. 

Get out of your head and the narration  of your experience and come back to your senses, open your eyes and throw down the adjectives and throw open your arms and breathe... Finally you are alive.

Thankfully life forgives us endlessly for forgetting to be here, and is always available to is when we wake up again. Wake up. Discard your ideas of life and just live; raw, purely and honestly from your heart.

Yoga Is..

Yoga practice isn't just exercise.. It is about open observation, that allows one to see (by feeling) what resonates with the inner rightness.. To learn to trust in what feels right and good and let go of all that feels tangled and wrong.. 

Yoga practice clears the slate so that we are free of our past.. 

Allows us to put the tangled knot of energetic, mental and emotional yarns down..

And when we pick it up as we leave the mat, we are more clear, the space has allowed it to loosen, and we are lighter. 

We are not our troubles, or the fearful grinding in our heads.. We are the loving-silent light that shines through the eyes and senses into this world, we are the soul that witnesses and delights and mourns in this brief merging of matter and spirit..

...dancing in and out of lifetimes...

Particles and consciousness knowing each other in arrangement after arrangement, and revering the beauty of each other's prism (body & life shape).. Like magnets playing in metal filings, arranging and rearranging intricate plays to stretch the limits of the infinite interface of metaphysical and physical. 

Dare you get stuck in just this current role and story, remember that you are an energy that is neither created nor destroyed, only changing in form. You are the actor, not the play. 

Yoga resets our clarity and connection to the part of us that is untarnishable and beyond this one trip in the world. Set your anchor in what is transient, you will suffer greatly, overwhelmed and confused.. Set your anchor in your consciousness, and you will know your truth without fear again.

Where You Long To Be

Do you listen to my poem
Of rapture
And love
And think me naive?

But have you heard
How much
and far
I have been torn apart!?

Maturity is not marked
In smart, cynical
Remarks
In disdain
Or hardness..

I am not vain,
I crawled across hot coals
And travelled endlessly
Scoured out my insides
To stop hating myself
And find peace

I am not sheltered
I have known pain
The secret is that those who have suffered most
Can feel the most release

Don't cling to the shroud of your melancholy
Keep it as a souvenir on your shelf
Don't let it dampen your enjoyment
Keep it small
Just a token
To recall
That this is all scared and fleeting
Let your feelings be spoken
Or they will pass away
Never throw away
The preciousness of a day

Some are high, some are gray
Some are like reggae
Some blues
Pay your dues
And then stop paying
Always keep playing

And don't think yourself
Ever to be above falling in love

It's not the weak who love fully
But the strong..
The flimsy turn their backs and run
The brave stand and face the wave
And let the deluge swallow and transform
Transcend
Mere physical form

You are better than your spiteful jealousy
Don't let your words savor of such bitter wounds
Why do you lash out at those who have gone
Where you long to be??

Don't shoot the messenger
Stop whining
Stop letting scars be defining
And walk
Somewhere
Any direction
Away from where it's misery to be
As long as it's not toxic
And it somehow sets you free
any direction may take you
Where you long to be

Revealed By The Light Of the Moon

Pretty lady, full moon
Keeping me awake
Intensity, immensity,
That I can hardly take!
Was it your design,
To leave behind,
New feelings in your wake?


Mysteries
Can be misery
Commiserate,
Or far better
To Correlate.
Seeing Patterns liberates,
Consciousness Consecrates,
Understanding provides relief.


Full moon, mother,
You bring powerful sleepless nights,
And fight your wisdom,
I will not.


I am not in the practice of fighting the tides...
And full moon lady I will not hide.


Wake me out of a sound night's sleep,
Reminding me of promises that I shall keep,
Shining light on the places dark and deep,
Moon mother stir my soul.


Pretty lady, full moon
Silent sage,
Inspire, conspire,
Sweet dewey light.
What you reveal,
Day can no longer conceal,
Tell me it was always your plan!?


Once we look inside..
We can no longer hide..
From what is revealed by the light of the moon.

My Light and Love

This love and light that I am
Is like glass
Is like light itself pouring at the one receiving it

And this loving-light can be bright
Intense
Like a mirror
Sometimes it's a harsh experience
To be exposed
To be held accountable
Because this mirror reflects
A level of truth
Most humans never wish to know
The level of truth
That is where we are all going

And to the one seeing their reflection in the words and eyes of the mirror

It can reveal that with which they struggle most within

That which they maybe wished was hidden

All the details of your skin you wish were a secret
The imperfections, the lines

All the things you don't know how to accept

Or love
Or change
Or face
(The fears, the patterns, the times you wish to disappear)

& Yet

This mirror offers no judgement
In the brightness of the light
In the stark exposure of your defects
This mirror doesn't begrudge
Never thinks less
In fact only more

It caresses your humanity
With it's light
Filled with love
Unconditional love

Because this mirror
Has battled
Still has it's struggles
Still grows clearer
By it's own striving
Still aches
But just less than it used to
And with the peace of tested & proven faith

And it shows you what you have to look forward to
The reward of your agonizing work
As a human stepping into it's greatness and divinity

And i am still learning
So it seems
For the men closest to me
How to be true to my force
Like the ocean
Like the sun and moon
Like a wave
Like a mirror
Pouring light
Accepting no degree of falsity
And still not harm them as I scrub off their shells, as I expose their fragility

To me
Your vulnerability
Is filled with beauty
As much as your strength
Perhaps even more

I only want to let you know
You are loved
Cherished
Cradled
By my seeing
And I stand to empower
your magnificence
Because it is all I see within you
Shining back at me
Light meeting light
Mirrors reflecting souls
And like mirrors do
Two
Amplify the light
Exponentially
Greater than separately

I am not daunted by the details you call defects
Or wish to remain anonymous within
I see you as a spiritual warrior,
Being of light
But maybe in the power
And intensity
Of my light and of my love
It is an unknown force
Hard to understand

The combination is not what mere mortals tend to enjoy
Or expect
Or have the willingness to withstand

I must be authentic
I am this mirror
I want my equal mirror
To unabashedly expose me
With omniscient love
Within the light
And for us to support each other's transcendence of mortality
Into the realm of divinity

Equal partners are always equal
Not by refusing to be vulnerable
Or putting on airs
Or hoisting walls of safety
But by knowing
their wholeness and strength isn't compromised
By flowing
with the need
To lean into the other &
work out spiritual growth together
Share the burden
Shine two lights and expose solution faster

Sometimes you'll lean into my arms,
And I will stroke your hair and
pouring limitless undying love
over you like honey
Make the harshness of this lesson, this moment bearable...like love meditation

Or loving you enough to grant you sabbatical, if you need to climb the Mount Everest within alone, this is not unknown and upon that, from the distance, my light can be shone

And at times I will certainly need you to hold me,
cradle me,
surround my fragility
with the strength of your flesh and your ancient soul..
just hold me
and let me silently heal the subtle remnants of wounds from when I didn't have you..
Many years of needing to be held with no arms,
No light to see mine,
Or reflect my love,
did leave behind harm..

And typically, we'll dance,
create, escalate
into exponentially
higher realms of consciousness than we ever reached
before and much faster
and more freely
than we could have
If you and me
Weren't mirrors for each other's souls
For each other's greatness
For each other's truth
Pouring love and light
Like the sun
Over each other
Like a blessing
Like a prayer
Like divinity itself
Like the air
Weightlessly
Supporting
The life and beauty it surrounds
So gently
But so powerfully

Equal footing
Sharing the burden
Catalyzing the destruction and creation of universes within each other
And allowing space for all we need
Separately
And together

I will never again allow
Anything less than a sacred relationship

Please know
That although I expose
In the mirror
Of my heart
Everything
You are never nothing less than sacred to me
And I would love you as my spiritual practice
To grow brighter
By honoring you
And fighting the battle
To release all fear
And let love create my reality
Kiss you
Cascade my love and unending reverence upon you
Leaving divine light on your skin
And treasure you for everything that makes you
You
Divinely human
Complicated
Infinite
And unique

My Sacred Love

Everything we do in each day is an act of worship because life is sacred. The spiritual and the mundane are not separate whatsoever. By bringing our full consciousness and heart to each moment, we bring sacredness from the invisible into the visible world of form. This poem is about how my love for my man, and cherishing the radiance of his soul, is a form of worship for me. I recognize the Divinity within all that is... So that is the place from which we connect.




~MY SACRED LOVE~

I want to build an altar
Underneath you
Scatter rose petals at your feet
I want to light incense
Close my eyes
And feel the entire universe within me

I want to set you
on my altar
Like a statue
Not because I am putting you on a pedestal
Or endeavor to restrict you
But because
I feel the Divine in you
So clearly
You remind me
It's within me
And everything
You inspire me
In your energy
To recall
That I too
Exist omnisciently

It's the fabric of life,
Divinity,
But some of us
Cover it over
with heaps of rags
and blankets
But you,
My sweet love,
Expose the sacred fabric
Of your soul
To the light, to the air
And to all the elements
Displaying your love-light for all to see
Selflessly sharing God with us all

I want to touch my head to the ground
By your feet
In humble gratitude
To a universe so sweet
As to,
Against all odds,
Bring us together
To allow me to be your lover

You move me
In a way
Not found
Everyday
Once
In
A
Lifetime

It comes
Here I come
To once again do puja
I know God is real
When I'm near you

And I become God's omniscience
When I lose myself in love with you

But let me light some incense
And touch the temple of your soul
And once again
Merge
Remember
And be renewed
By the freshness
Of your energy

Our love
My love for you
This shared journey
Has been enough to prove
That God exists
And I see Him
Everywhere I look
But never have I felt it
Quite a magnificently
As I do when I gaze upon you

That is why
When I love you
I am also worshipping the Divine
My intention
In Touching you
In Kissing you
In Cooking for you
In Listening to you
In Loving you
In the life we create together
Is to honor and celebrate
To commemorate
To nurture
The sacredness within you
With all of the sacredness within me.

When Divinity Makes Love To Divinity

Never could have known
Until I was shown
By experience

But two souls
Perfectly cleansed
Perfectly attuned
Different
Independent
But one
Completely one,
Can discover God
Inside each other

Divinity
Is the fabric
Of reality
And in your heart
I know this to be true
I knew God
Before I knew you
But never did I know
How I could grow
With another
With a lover
Making love
Not to just a body
(A future corpse)
But to my soul
Sacred union
Of all that is masculine
All that's female
In the eyes,
The tongues
The touches
Of lovers
Who know
That God is love-consciousness
And who pour
Their entire souls
Into each others bodies

Like taking two cups
Of water
And pouring them
Into a third bowl

We remain whole
We are individual sparks
Putting our flames together
In the loving ark
Of two bodies
Together
Sacred meditation
Merging
Revealing
That which is the source of all healing

Finding our aims are one:
shining love-light into the dark
Losing ourselves in each moment
Loving life itself

And in our love-play
God becomes a little more real
Divinity revealed
You inside me
Intentionally
Remembering
The sacredness
Of all
And
Losing the sense
Of our separateness
Our forms become one
The reunion of all that is
The entire universe whole
In each kiss
Nothing but love and delight
Energy
Light

But no one understands
Until their time comes
And they know
From their own
Experiences
What it is when divinity
Makes love to divinity

Two crystals
Reflecting dancing rainbows
Of love and pure delight
Melting individuality
And choosing
To be one

God is in everything everywhere
And can choose
To inhabit the individual forms
Or merge two
Of those forms into
One..
Not halves..
But Two souls joining
Completely
Seamlessly
Losing themselves
In love and joy

Reverent honoring
Of the divinity in each other
God worshipping God
as

Sacred Lover

When Divinity makes love
To Divinity

What I Learned Today About Life & God and Stuff

How much can we grow in one day? Exponentially, especially on the days we feel ourselves kicking and screaming against the grain. Throw your hands up in the fight against uncontrollable elements of reality and the unknown. Go with feeling. Strive, force, fight to root yourself in love, NO MATTER WHAT!

I did that today, and here is some of the gems I discovered, or the new depth and shine I saw in these perennial wisdoms:

Exfoliation for the soul: The Divine is the fabric of the universe. The strife, the misery, the struggle, the suffering of the world and in your life is like the abrasion of rough material to slough off the tired shell of ignorance, resistance, self-imposed limitations and to enable to know yourself as your truth.. To strengthen you to live your passion and purpose, and to empower you to live love.

Love All Just As it is: Love no matter what is who we are. Everything is radiant loving conscious energy.. We are here to learn to love ourselves and the world and all in it in our perennial imperfection and luscious creative majesty, trial and error, fragility and all. Bodies that will someday fall away and decay like overripe plums falling from the tree, souls that shine through eyes and all the magic and misery of the interfacing of an energy being with a physical form.

BOUNDARIES: Just because our role is to generate equal love for self, creation and all life, doesn't mean we need to subject ourselves to disrespect or abuse. In fact setting healthy boundaries is a form of love.. Self-love and also a lesson to the who is informed of the boundary.

LOVE: Everything, EVERYTHING is an opportunity for this work.. Discovering wisdom, truth, health and LOVE! Omniscient, omnipresent, unconditional and vast love that is what we are made of..

Validation via MIRRORING: we shouldn't seek approval from others and we don't need to justify our truth!!!!!! We don't need to justify self-care!!!!! BUT we all get worn and maladjusted and askew, and keeping positive people in your life and allowing each other to lean a little as needed strengthens both... We are all mirrors of each other's goodness.. By living our love and presence an truth, we present others with a reflection of their greatness and beauty. And we all can stand to hear that our best is more than enough, that we are loved, that we are good.. Not that we don't know, but when we are so tired an harassed by the limitations of this body-soul interface, we blossom from this soul-nourishing reminder.

WE ARE LIMITLESS SOULS (in limited bodies): limitless souls get pissed off when having to face their limitations due to time, space and the needs of the physical form.. We can stretch, bend and transcend many of these limits but at the end of the day, we cannot break them all.. Not today. Accept this. Smile, laugh. Love.

DO EVERYTHING WITH LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop doing pointless tasks...
And start doing the everyday chores with love... Dishes and cooking..

I decided SO WHAT if most of the few short years I have with my son are spent making food and art.. Mostly food... Extremely nourishing food...?? So what?! If our memories are of our time in the kitchen, what better way to teach my son how to be a man: nourishing his body and those of others, pouring love into his tasks and thus his life, never to half-ass what he does, to take care of self and others, and to share heartfelt conversation with his loved ones, equally exchanging talking and listening, both done from the heart. Why fight reality? Why not make it a sacred experience!!

EVERYTHING IS SACRED!

Don't stop smiling! Be yourself at all costs!!!!

I will not suppress my joy, my love, my awareness, or my feminine style and grace. I will not suppress my wonderment, my girly excitement, my sweetness, or my undying urge to pour loving consciousness into the open hearts of any who cross my path, and to specifically treasure those who walk this life path with me for some time.

Never give up, no matter how rough. If the unknown is threatening, investigate, know what you can. Demystify. Inform yourself. And let go of what can't be googled, like what will happen next week. Be excited. Feel what you feel. But LIVE NOW! LOVE NOW!

And that's most of it.. That's just one day.. A pretty strange and isolated yet interconnected one.

Oh yes And we need to strive to be independent, know ourselves, take responsibility for our own health and happiness.. But God manifests Miracles through us all... So talk to Him with your feelings (no words needed, just feel and dedicate) but talk to the beings I. Your life.. They are God as well, and you are God as well, and so is the stereo and your car and the sky and the dragonfly and the neighbor and the rats and dogs and everything else that is. We are are like cells in the Divine body, all a part of the net of All That Is.

Love and blessings~

Sent from my iPhone

Embarrassment As Teacher (and exploration of Gunas)

Written for Healing Springs Journal's Feb/March 2013 issue:


The Role of Embarrassment As Teacher
and exploring the Gunas to understand energy and experiences in spiritual growth

by Laura Harrison

It hurts to be embarrassed by our actions. It burns our hearts to make mistakes, it is a complete and almost unbearable form of vulnerability, belly exposed and everyone can see our fallibility. Most people stop there, dwell, form hardened scars, and carry a heavy collection of regrets. But this is not where consciousness is asking us to stop, that is not the intended usage of such experiences. Instead, we stop, and feel that pain, and sit with it, recognizing it, and openly observe. Pieces settle into place. We can journal, talk to friends, practice meditation, energy healing, or yoga asanas. We can connect with animals or nature, walking and hiking, or sitting peacefully. We can think, and we can more importantly cultivate spaciousness... the spaces between the thoughts, and the pieces fall into place, insight arises, and the pain has become an agent for our spiritual development.

The regular and unconscious response to pain and discomfort is to avoid it. We tense against it, we close.. this is resistance. We learn in the path of mindfulness to instead open wider, to offer NO resisitance as we observe all phenomena, all experiences equally without judgment or favoring. What happens when we cease to resist the pain, is that we feel it more accutely and intensely, but it leaves us more open, more free, and more conscious. We can learn from the pain- the sting of embarrassment teaches us not to repeat the same mistakes, like the memory of a burned hand teaches us not to touch a hot pan, or the memory of food poisoning provides a visceral reminder to be more cautious of what we eat.

The evolution of consciousness that we are all undertaking as embodied souls requires this trial-and-error process. As we raise our awareness, as our energy changes, that which used to serve us no longer does. Old habits that were real and important and part of us before, are no longer connected to who we are. These ghosts need to be released. This requires a humbling sense of openess and flexibility of mind, and it can be hard to imagine that those who know us can adapt as our personality evolves with us. However, people connect, disconnect, and sometimes reconnect as their energies are harmonious or disharmonious. Fear of loneliness cannot prevent our evolution, because when one person leaves, another will come. We are here to live our truth, no matter what the cost. And furthermore, if we do not live our truth, we will suffer deep inside, and that suffering will grow like a disease and eventually cause so much ugliness and hurt that we will begin to take it out on others. It never does us or others justice to maintain falseness.  

Spirtiual Puberty

This process of uncomfortable yet delightful evolution is almost like puberty.. with all the awkwardness and embarrassment, confusion, agonizing discomfort, getting lost, figuring, exploring and blossoming into deeper and deeper levels of confidence, strength, and more palpable connections to inner rightness and truth. Just like puberty, the changes are happening, if we wish them to or not. It makes it harder if we fight reality, and since that would be futile, it only makes sense to open wider and wider to the painful but beautiful lessons we earn.

Everything happens in natural cycles; seasons of light and dark, birth and death and rebirth. Life in the physical is filled with nested spirals of evolution; microcosms tucked majestically into macrocosms. Linear paths are typically human in invention, everything else spirals around and around. Forgetting and remembering are part of the journey. Loneliness and rediscovery of interconnection are part of the path as well. As are mistakes and forgiveness

In yoga philosophy, the Gunas are used as a handy way of discussing different qualities in energy. Our cycles of evolution can be seen and understood more with the help of these ideas. Don't worry about grasping the idea and labelling things.. let it help you to articulate what you already feel in your experiences.

The Gunas

There are three gunas. All three are present in all of us, but certain energies, people, or actions can have a strong dominance of one guna in particular. Remember that these labels are to help you articulate and process what you feel, so maybe meditate on an example of each and feel the differences in the qualities of energy.

Tamas is the guna of stillness, of lethargy, of delusion, darkness and depression. It is present in aparent solidness and stagnation. It is part of the "darkness" of negativity, the delusion that we are seperate and the objectifiying other beings and taking advantage of them out of fear or greed. Depression and being overweight are states of excess tamas as heaviness. Tamas is also present in sleep and consistancy, so it is not all negative.

Rajas is excited movement. It is nervous energy, anxiety, scattered or flighty minds. It is like too much caffeine or hyperactivity. It is the inability to sit still, the need to be in constant motion or stimulation. It is chaotic and can be draining because it is unguided. It is abundant, unfocused energy.

Sattva is extreme energy, but where rajas is also extreme energy, rajas is out of balance, and sattva is in balance, focusing that energy into one flow, like a laser. Sattva is considered the higher and lighter state of energy and it is the goal to cultivate an abundance of sattva versus rajas or tamas, according to Vedic philosophy. It is great peace, great love, the ability to accept what is in each moment without fear or resistance.

 The trick is that we can demonize all the other states of being. We can demonize the pain of embarrassment. We can demonize ourselves for learning slowly over many painful experiences, but it doesn't make sense to kill the messenger, to hate the process, the journey. Life IS a journey, your everyday life is your spiritual path. Vacation isn't the only time to be free and accept the flow. Its here and now. In the painful AND blissful experiences of life alike, we are evolving, growing, and becoming free of all the chains we've allowed to bind us.  In every moment we are living our life, choosing how to write our story. And it takes patience, acceptance, and experiences of all kinds to hone the spirit in its interface with the physical.

Without the movement of rajas, we can never transcend tamas. We learn to process the massively intense amount of spiritual energy that is present in each moment, and at first we are distracted and scattered and thrown back and forth between tamas and rajas. Then we learn to ride the ship, to yield and move with the flow in grace, and we touch sattvic states. Eventually, we rarely taste tamas, and we learn faster and faster to cultivate our rajas into sattva. We become balanced and whole again, our essential state, our Self, shines brighter then ever before. We meet our Self.

The recent universal shift in energy was from rajas to sattva I believe, that is how I am experiencing it.. so instead of being bombarded by rajas, we are becoming surronded by sattva.

Our journey is individual, but we all go through it, it is universal as well. Don't hold too tightly to anything, let it all flow through you and your experience, and as it does. Drop the judgement. Drop the false sense of control. Drop all the ideas of saving face, or what your face really is. Who you are is a constantly refreshed river, always new. Open wide and let pain and pleasure, highs and lows teach you, they burn off all that is no longer serving your journey and fll you with fresh love and light. Balance dilligence and receptivity, and you will learn the dance. Let the experience be your guide.

Laura Harrison is the founder of the Natural Yoga Method, and the director of Enlighten Yoga in Amsterdam, NY. She is a yoga instructor, life coach, vegan/raw chef, mom, nature lover, artist, and poet. For more information see EnlightenAmsterdam.com or LauraLovesTheUniverse.com or call her at 518-866-3621.

Stronger and With A New Song

 

Stronger and with a new songby Laura Harrison


All spinning on our own paths, I see that you are busy,
I understand that fully, but when I do talk to you I'm dizzy,

When we first met I couldn't see, but I see now it is the lack of truth in your touch,
I don't know that it is even conscious, or if you even feel that much.


Once again I feel alone, but it is mostly my own fault,
because I put my faith in other's actions, instead of in the present by default.

I told myself stories dressed in others' clothes,
it was my own mind that turned the yes's to no's.

That is part of this result, but I didn't create it all,
I can feel what is felt and upspoken, and THAT started the thought-squawl.


you never said you were good for me, I just hoped that you'd be,
but once again my ideas were wrong, but yet not too distant from reality.


When my image of what I had fades and reality sets in like stone,
I feel sobered, and embarassed, and I want to find my way home.

Yet I can't be so hard upon myself, because this is the process,
waking up takes time and patience, dilligence and forgiveness.

And just because it didn't mean what I wanted it to,
doesn't mean what it actually was wasn't true..
it wasn't a mistake to think too much of you.

If I wasn't so taken, mistaken, shaken,
If I didn't let my heart break then,
I wouldn't have been opened up, wouldn't have grown.

I wouldn't have been shown,
and never would have known,
I would still suffer believing in that lie. 

As the falsities crash, shatter like glass,
There is a hot, stinging slap to my heart,

A dark vaccuum in my chest,
a deep and painful unrest,
but when the tears dry, I am freer and I,
see clearer then ever before.
Sadness leaves, and happiness returns to my door. 

The sun shines brighter,
and I am so much lighter,
and so I continue on...

Stronger and with a new song.

Pain, the Teacher

Pain, the Teacher

by Laura Harrison

Pain has a way of bringing you right down to your knees,
shredding down your false priorities,
bringing you back to what's real,
everything that ever mattered,
is contained in each moment, right here.

I Found These Precious Things by Laura Harrison

I knew you were never mine,
I never asked to own you anyway,
But the lines were blurry and undefined,
and I still don't fully understand that day..

I know that your heart is right,
she will return a piece of you,
Although I cannot promise how it will go, it will come to light..

Friend or lover, how she will fit in your life,
If you'll love each other, if you'll hate each other,
If someday she'll be your wife,

I cannot know these things,
And even when you meet,
The lines may be blurred for you,
But your journey is purposeful,
it will give you what you seek.

It may last a day, a month, or years,
But you are right so throw away your fears..

Each love, each friend and each event,
has been a stepping stone,
I can paint you the story,
of how each one lead me to the next home,
A masterpiece of color and texture, love and pain, sweeping curves, spirals, pouring with passion like rain..
dynamic, the portrait of my life's journey.. Each one revealing more pieces of myself to me, pieces I never knew were gone, pieces I'd lost, forgot.. Pieces I longed for, pieces I missed a lot..pieces that could set me free.

Branches like a creek, pouring into bigger streams, coming into rivers, leading to the sea...everything is Always far more profound than it seems. A deeper and deeper expression of wholeness flooding my senses, as I open myself and disarm my defenses. As every fraction of my being becomes conscious and all my pieces found, I can be who I am, and get lost in the ecstatic sound.

There were very important pieces,
Beautiful parts of me,
And I had lost them over time,
Forgotten that they were my qualities,

I ached and was often hollow,
Or bound by invisible strings,
And just because you came into my life,
I found these precious things..

I am still bringing them into sharper focus,
Remembering how I used to be,
Although I am not going back,
But stepping forward through my destiny,

My lovely light is so much brighter,
And I am so much more alive,
I cut the threads that bound me,
Because you have arrived.

The journey of life it seems,
Is to become conscious + free,
To discover who you are this time,
Finding pieces like treasure in the hearts,the smiles, discovering your destiny..
Finding yourself reflected in the mirrors of bright beings,
And loving them and you,
You live your life like art,
Play the part you've been assigned,
Questioning how you've been defined,
Allow your heart-compass to get you realigned.

Both sacred and just playfulness,
Play the role, don't fight yourself,
live your love, open wide,
You have nothing to fear,
Life is on your side.

I'd be selfish not to get down on my knees,
And express the gratitude of everything life has given to me,
Not the least of which is you,
Or the miracle of the path,
Of getting lost and found,
Or the pieces he gave back to me,
That brought me around,
To the place where I met you, again and again,

I love you, and I'm deeply grateful, to you my dear friend.

The Purpose of Suffering.. or at least one of the positive purposes it serves

What I have seen in my life, coming into sharper and sharper focus, is that fact that suffering has many positive purposes. Granted, if we all always suffered severely, we would probably just want to die and give up on this whole physical plane thing, but suffering comes and goes in cycles like anything else.

Generally, suffering comes from resistance, fear, and destructive/loss cycles of life... times when we lose something or someone, or close a chapter to our life story. One chapter closes so that another can begin, though, we must always remember that...


What I have seen though, at least as a healer of sorts, is that every single way I have ever suffered has given me a connection to another being years later.. my struggle that I overcame in the past (sometimes distant past, sometimes maybe a week ago!) is the very same way in which this other person is now caught, suffering, struggling, and I now have the direct experience and thus humility and insights, to in some way be of service.

This has happened many times over in my world. It gives me more peace when I go through difficult times, since I know that I am not alone. I cease to feel sorry for myself, or at least get out of that self-pity pool much quicker, perhaps just a fast dip! I can see the purposeful patterns emerging in my lifetime.. and I cannot pretend to know exactly what shall be, but as my intuition sharpens I feel it happening from an earlier and earlier point.

It is hard to roll with difficult experiences with grace.. it takes enormous trust, faith, not in the conventional sense so much as faith in your own inner strength and ability to persevere. Trusting that life brings about purposeful experiences and a purposeful arrangement helps give us something to hold on to. This concept is called "vinyasa" in Sanskrit- purposeful arrangement, to place in a special way, or a cycle with phases, such as the seasons or moon cycles.

 Another concept that ties into this is synchronicity, which, once you are open to, gives you a LOT of inspiration, joy, and strength... Synchronicity is seeing everything that happens as purposeful, and thinking that coincidences don't blindly exist, but instead are very meaningful. A way to view it is as if everything that happens in your life is part of a conversation with the universe (or a higher power or however you perceive it to work in your worldview)... everything is purposeful, even your suffering.. and when you see yourself heal, move on happier then ever and more full of life, you can easily start to feel this way. Then when you in turn, quite naturally, see the opportunity arise to use that experience to help ease another's suffering, it can be powerfully encouraging. Then when you find another difficult transition, confidence has grown, it becomes easier and easier.

Life is not bleak... it can be bliss... we just have to adjust and attune our perceptions to an increasingly larger and larger view to see it....

Blessings!  ~<3, laura

Fresh mind, Trusting Self, Flowing on the Blessed Path

When we embark on the spiritual path, that mere intention sets things into motion. With awareness comes information, feedback through the heart and body. We may receive a lot of feedback we consider positive or neutral, which is easy to honor.
We are greatly challenged when living in harmony with inner truth means doing something difficult, truly difficult. We are put to the test. And we will be slowly, quietly grinding until we walk the talk and listen to our spiritual-heart's intelligence. The karma will repeat, the groove (or pit) will get deeper, we'll get increasingly stuck until we finally take responsibility and take the appropriate measures to become in harmony with the truth.

We can learn from each instance where we ignore our truth until a crescendo of consciousness makes it impossible to turn a blind eye anymore. We can use it to increase our awareness and trust the inner knowing above the rational sense of propriety, hoping not to fall into the same mistake again. If we vow to only follow our inner truth, and live up to it, wouldn't that be 'pushti marg', the path of grace? ...following only the inner light of knowing, the Divine Self... so very often it is effortless effort, but sometimes it is agonizing, relentless, and cruel... But it always facillitates the highest good of all. Follow with trust in your inner knowing at all times, and proceed with unconditional loving tenderness for all.

Nothing But Here

I have felt distracted lately, like I have been allowing too much energy to go into my thoughts and not being present. It manifests as a guilty feeling and almost a panicky sense of time going too fast to handle. I am with my son all day but distracted by chores, thoughts and not paying deep enough attention to him.

This is all subtle stuff, meaning that I am watching my son, he is staying safe, but we can be here and simultaneously somewhere else with our thoughts. It comes in cycles, I find. Sometimes its easy to disconnect from the constant thinking, and sometimes it lures you in. The ego is what the devil represents, that and the kleshas, or roots of suffering, such as avidya, or ignorance to Reality. It is interesting that the Qu'ran refers to the devil as "the obsessor", because the mind is filled with obsesive repetition of thoughts. Unenlightened beings tend to identify with and pay a lot of attention to, these thoughts. We miss consciously participating in life as it happens.

So I realize that the guilt and sadness I feel is a red flag, not something to keep creating or ignore. If we listen to our hearts and balance our emotional and rational urges, we can live a balanced path that honors love and service to others, especially those our dharma leads us to be completely responsible for (as minors), our children.

A clean house, good hygeine, pure water, and plenty of healthy food are important. So is living as an example of our highest beliefs. And one of those beliefs is that it is our honor and duty to pay our child as much undivided attention as possible. Being here and not in the fluctuations of mind-stuff (chitta vritti) is the most important way to show and share love. In our conscious, loving, gentle but passionate kindness, we don't just say I love you, we are unconditional love. Unconditional love is the highest high and the most ecstatic sensation of joy, it is a glimpse of the Self. It is this way in giving and in receiving. It is who we are, what we are, and the only way to feel it is to be nothing but here in the moment.

Overcoming difficult relationships

The true test of how far we are on the path is not how proficient we are at the poses or other techniques and practices, but how conscious we are in daily life and how conscious and compassionate we can be in our interactions with others.
We cannot think we are so enlightened if one harsh word from another crumbles our values and has usacting hateful and enraged. Its not to say that pain, anger, etc, will disappear, it is to say that enlightenment resides in our hearts, in our reactions, actions, intentions.. We can feel the anger fully, we can witness it and choose how to act consciously. We can cultivate the opposite emotion as Patanjali said to do in the Yoga Sutras. And at all times, we can look into our experiences as the Guru- opportunities to investigate where we are resisting our natural state. Everything is an opportunity for spiritual development.

We can dedicate the interactions that are challenging to revealing the Divine within as much as we can dedicate our joyous moments. The people who push your buttons are cosmically doing you a favor- they are acting like a catalyzing agent- speeding your growth if you accept the challenge.

Different techniques for working with difficult relationships exist, and really the number of techniques is limitless. You can find your own as well.

Witnessing: cultivating the identification of who you are with that witnessing state of consciousness invites a broader perspective. By stopping and witnessing the anger, jealousy, fear, etc. you can watch its effect on your mental state and physical form and begin to see the unconscious, automatic reactions that you employ. Slowly you will be able to witness the emotion and choose a new reaction.

Blessing: Sharon Gannon, co-founder of Jivamukti Yoga recommends a meditative technique that tranforms both yourself, the other and the relationship. Grounding in a meditation posture, inhaling, think "blessings to", and exhaling allow an image and name to arise. Starting with loved ones, moving to neutral beings and then to those that challenge you, push your buttons and whom you may very strongly dislike. David Life, the other founder of Jivamukti Yoga, tells a story of how that technique transformed his relationship with a person that was violently hostile towards him. After some time with that practice, the same man that had threatened his life at one time spontaneously greeted him like a very dear friend.

Step into their shoes with compassion: reflect on others as holy beings at heart, seeing how their unkind actions may come from pain, loneliness, and other places where they have been hurt. See that they are someone's child. See that we all bleed, laugh, cry. We could be in the same place ourselves. We all do the best we can with the awareness we have. Take the higher road and do unto them as you wish they could do unto you. Don't objectify and demonify other beings.

See the Divine everywhere: looking at all beings as the Divine consciousness transforms our interactions. When you are looking to see God in the eyes of others you are not going to be as prone to fixate on the less amicable qualities. You will begin to see what you look for, the indwelling consciousness At the heart, not the habits of personality unconsciously operating on the surface.

Everything is the grounds for enlightenment. The keys to happiness are right here within and everywhere in everyone. When we think of yoga not as a workout on the mat, but as a practice to transform our relationships and lead us to enlightenment, we see the opportunity in each moment. We accept all beings and experiences with the open, grateful heart of the student. We make the unconscious conscious. We live love and become whole.