Freedom From Body Dysmorphia

Part of becoming free for me, a major part, was finding a way to have peace inside this body of mine. It has been a long process and it seems like it's becoming increasingly subtle... The most grueling aspects seem to be behind me..

Overcoming eating disorders, looking into my experience to discover that "feeling fat" was actually just energetic imbalance remedied by lifestyle, and finding a way to allow the external layer of my body stay harmonious with my internal ocean of spirit and heart were the major tasks. The latter is the topic of reflection in this article.

In my younger years I felt tomboyish and that I was never pretty or feminine externally, although inside I felt I truly was. This rift caused me a lot of suffering.. It's the same sort of suffering felt by transgendered people, or anyone caught in living a lie and not fully conscious of it's landscape or knowing of a way to fix it.

This false feeling of being boyish and never pretty enough led me to carry an image inside my head that was entirely distorted and different from my external appearance.

Body dysmorphia: when the internal feelings and image of self are not congruent with external reality.

For years looking to rid myself of the remnants of jilted self-image, incongruency and insecurity, I became very ascetic. I also sought to take the least from earth's resources as possible, so I used it as an excuse to deny myself a lot of luxuries.

I didn't use products in my hair, I didn't use any makeup, I didn't dye my hair, I only bought second-hand clothes (except for underwear), and a lot of these principles I still utilize, but now joyfully.

I made myself go without these things and it showed me what I didn't need to feel whole. It also showed me that which I did. All of my friends had colorful and beautifully-styled hair, and wore gorgeous make-up. I tortured myself, because how could I feel beautiful standing next to them?

At the time I didn't realize that I wasn't ugly or plain, that my essence was crying out to have an external expression in line with my internal beauty and sweetness.

I am thankful for that time of simple denial, though, because I learned that I don't need much. I don't need every fancy serum and cream and make-up item and I don't need a thousand products and I don't need to dye my hair. Most of my clothing is second-hand and I wouldn't have it any other way. I use very few make-up items, I use baking soda and vinegar to wash my hair (and it's so healthy!), and very little product, if any. I have learned that all I need is exactly what I need, no more, no less, to help me to feel expressed as a beautiful soul and woman.

Sometimes we hide a subtle layer of our wounds under a label or crutch though..

And mine was the length of my hair. I no longer had to question if I was feminine, I had pretty make-up, flattering clothing that I feel good in, and long hair. I always enjoyed the look of certain short styles but when I cut my hair I'd feel like I was tomboyish again.. I had a relapse of sorts.

Well, after having my hair long for a few years, I decided to chop it spontaneously. I felt empowered. Then a day later I felt butch. Then I felt frustrated and annoyed that I did this, again... But instead of bashing myself internally or letting the latent wound-residues arising consume me, I focused on cultivating happiness with what is. In front of me is a me, with short hair. I am a playful, wise, and sweet woman with a child-like jovial personality. I am loving, feminine, and kind. I have a swing in my hips when I walk and a dance-like way of moving.

I realized that old views were arising within me, remnants of scars surfacing, when I removed the crutch of long hair.

I realized that STILL, my inner perception of appearance was not connected to how I actually look. I realized that the silent, subtle image I carried of myself inside was tomboyish, plain, and chunky. I wasn't even fully aware of this until I had cut my hair. In fact, I realized that I was stuck in a transition, where, when my energy felt good and balanced, I had an updated internal self-image that was beautiful, bright, slender and feminine. When I felt worn-out or imbalanced, that old self-image of chunky, heavy, boyish, plain and frumpy "me" was in my mind.. So subtly, like a hologram, like a ghost or whisper, it was there, tainting my every moment.

I have since practiced gazing in the mirror and seeing myself objectively. I don't fixate on subtle imperfections, but focus on my beauty. I update my inner image to see the radiance of my eyes and smile, I realize the ways that my external form is reflecting inner light. I don't get stuck, I let myself keep updating. Change is the nature of reality, energy flows like a river, never stuck unless we ourselves dam it up with debris. But I accept where I am right now, see my beauty, and will keep letting my external appearance reflect my inner river of love-consciousness.

And I have discovered that when I chopped off all of that hair, I felt energetically lighter. I used to fixate on growing my hair longer and longer, to feel more feminine and worthy. Now I realize that while I want my hair long enough to pin up if I wish, I may not grow it super long, at least not right away. I discovered that when we are highly attuned to energy, we can feel all the energy contained in the hair and it is beneficial to free ourselves of it or only carry an amount that allows us to feel whole, harmonious with our truth, and free. It should never be a burden. I am exploring a whole new view of myself and will not rush back to the complacency and safety of long hair. I will fully acknowledge this experience and distill every bit of growth from it possible.

Over the years, through trial-and-error, I learned to keep my energy balanced and body strong, and mind relaxed most of the time, even under a decent amount of stress. Parenthood upped the ante an forced me to withstand higher and higher stress levels and remain conscious and avoid slipping into old, spastic patterns of behavior.

However, there is no end to how free we can become. We can keep finding subtle holding patterns, subtle conditioned beliefs that hold us back in many ways, and choose to release them.

We are light-beings.. Energy.. And we manifested this body. It reflects our congruency with personal authenticity and it reflects our gaps between our truth and action. It doesn't lie.

We are meant to find completely freedom and comfort within the earthly clothing of this body. We are the merging, the interface, of metaphysical energy (spirit) and physical. By seeking inhibition, wellness, and wholeness, we accomplish this mission. We free ourselves of the blockages and distractions and imprisoning ideas that block us just BEING.

Your uniqueness is who you are. Your passions and curiosities are meant to be explored and expressed. Your externals are meant to reflect your internal truths. All things congruent and harmonious, you are simply a prism through which formless Spirit flows into this world of form and creates, feels, plays, experiences and enjoys, through your body. Your body is the conduit of Spirit.

It is not easy work to get free, but it is worthwhile. You can hurt, and feel the raw aches and pains of the expansion of consciousness voluntarily, as well as the incredible peaks of unexplainable bliss and ecstasy that are also part of the path... Or you can roll around in the endless agony of trying to stay stuck and small and live a lie when the entire universe conspires to catalyze your fullest expansion.

Inner Image & Interaction

There is a view of ourselves that we unconsciously carry... Often derived from the labels we have identified with and our insecurities accrued over the years...

I believe that carrying an outdated or distorted inner image of oneself is the root of body dysmorphia (along with intense sensitivity to energy & no knowledge as to how to care for & balance one's energy field)... And that it is one of our greatest obstacles preventing us from stepping into the life of fulfillment and abundance that we deserve. If we see ourselves in a false and "ugly" way, we cannot see ourselves successful and happy, and keep ourselves trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage.

Made conscious we can update this inner image.. Which is crucial because a picture is worth a thousand words, and this inner view contains a weight, a tone, a whole way of relating to oneself and the world.

For example, for most of my life I saw myself as ugly, stocky, plain and tomboyish. Most people say I am none of these things. So I have been rehabbing my inner image for years, but most consciously and intently over the last couple months. I am seeing positive changes in the way I feel day-to-day.

I am cultivating what I know myself to be in the way I carry myself, dress, act and relate to others, and I take a few minutes each day to notice what I actually look like. I make the changes to my appearance necessary in order to keep a sense of rightness and congruency.. That my outer self reflects my heart and inner truth. And I notice what I actually look like and the difference between that and the standard/habitual image in my mind.

Typically we stare at and fixate on what we consider our flaws.. And all we do is torture ourselves with that practice. Take care of yourself, of course, but accept your uniqueness as well.. Focus on your beauty, your shine, your power, your spark..

It takes a while to update the mental picture we habitually carry of ourselves, but without doing so, we allow ourselves to manifest our entire life based on a version of ourselves craved out of our insecurities, fears and shame. This is a version of ourself that may never have materially existed, but because it exists within our mind, we create our life as that person.

Strive to update your inner face, see yourself for your best qualities. Wen you practice balanced self-care, you will feel good, and when you feel good internally, you will enjoy what you see externally. What we see is interpreted by the brain, after all.

Labels & inspiration

Make sure that the labels you use to describe or define yourself are in service of your sense of rightness, inspiration and freedom. They should not constrict, crush or detain you in any way. Remember who is in charge of your inner world.. You are in full control of where you let yourself dwell internally. Take control. Don't linger in or feed thoughts, feelings and attitudes that bring you heaviness, insecurity or depression. Discard that garbage. And also throw away labels that prevent your expansion and vibrant self-esteem.

Labels can be used to help you to keep growing, feeling positive and inspired to continue on your path of persona authenticity and enhancing/following your sense of inner-rightness. Use them wisely! 

Life is Lived in the In-between

This world of form is based on the clashing and dynamic balancing of all opposing forces..

Yet we can't seem to accept being in the middle... Or the constant currents of flow between the extremes which seeks to create the homeostatic balance.

We are all or nothing, 

We are obsessing or avoiding,

We are dogmatic or have no boundaries, 

We are all negative & hopeless or positive in a way that doesn't accept pain or suffering, 

We are extroverts or introverts,

We are lethargic or in constant activity...

There's no room for in between in our culture, but it is the In between where we exist, and where the balance that provides freedom and authenticity is found.

We are not the labels, we are not the ideas, we are not the rules...

We are fabulous shades of gray in between all extremes. Life is lived beyond all containers and labels and concepts. All of that is trying to point you to your actual experience. 

Get out of your head and the narration  of your experience and come back to your senses, open your eyes and throw down the adjectives and throw open your arms and breathe... Finally you are alive.

Thankfully life forgives us endlessly for forgetting to be here, and is always available to is when we wake up again. Wake up. Discard your ideas of life and just live; raw, purely and honestly from your heart.

Revealed By The Light Of the Moon

Pretty lady, full moon
Keeping me awake
Intensity, immensity,
That I can hardly take!
Was it your design,
To leave behind,
New feelings in your wake?


Mysteries
Can be misery
Commiserate,
Or far better
To Correlate.
Seeing Patterns liberates,
Consciousness Consecrates,
Understanding provides relief.


Full moon, mother,
You bring powerful sleepless nights,
And fight your wisdom,
I will not.


I am not in the practice of fighting the tides...
And full moon lady I will not hide.


Wake me out of a sound night's sleep,
Reminding me of promises that I shall keep,
Shining light on the places dark and deep,
Moon mother stir my soul.


Pretty lady, full moon
Silent sage,
Inspire, conspire,
Sweet dewey light.
What you reveal,
Day can no longer conceal,
Tell me it was always your plan!?


Once we look inside..
We can no longer hide..
From what is revealed by the light of the moon.

Ode To Fact

Just because I can let go
Doesn't mean the truth doesn't show
Just because I shouldn't be in my head
Doesn't mean the energy isn't being read

It just means I can let it go and be at peace
The present moment sets me free
And we have some things about which to speak
But I need not let it worry me


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Nigh agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


Reality, reality,
Preference has nothing to do with thee
I have to choose what it is you bring
That's what I'm discovering
But I can turn my mood around
There's great power in that I've also found


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Brutal, almost agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


I'll take this heart and take this light
And I acknowledge my feelings tonight
But I will believe in what I see
Which says that I am always free
So if you want me, come to me,
Or through unknown the trust will breech
Let me in, with well-placed speech
Needn't be many words, but a crucial few
Open to me and I'll give everything to you.

My Light and Love

This love and light that I am
Is like glass
Is like light itself pouring at the one receiving it

And this loving-light can be bright
Intense
Like a mirror
Sometimes it's a harsh experience
To be exposed
To be held accountable
Because this mirror reflects
A level of truth
Most humans never wish to know
The level of truth
That is where we are all going

And to the one seeing their reflection in the words and eyes of the mirror

It can reveal that with which they struggle most within

That which they maybe wished was hidden

All the details of your skin you wish were a secret
The imperfections, the lines

All the things you don't know how to accept

Or love
Or change
Or face
(The fears, the patterns, the times you wish to disappear)

& Yet

This mirror offers no judgement
In the brightness of the light
In the stark exposure of your defects
This mirror doesn't begrudge
Never thinks less
In fact only more

It caresses your humanity
With it's light
Filled with love
Unconditional love

Because this mirror
Has battled
Still has it's struggles
Still grows clearer
By it's own striving
Still aches
But just less than it used to
And with the peace of tested & proven faith

And it shows you what you have to look forward to
The reward of your agonizing work
As a human stepping into it's greatness and divinity

And i am still learning
So it seems
For the men closest to me
How to be true to my force
Like the ocean
Like the sun and moon
Like a wave
Like a mirror
Pouring light
Accepting no degree of falsity
And still not harm them as I scrub off their shells, as I expose their fragility

To me
Your vulnerability
Is filled with beauty
As much as your strength
Perhaps even more

I only want to let you know
You are loved
Cherished
Cradled
By my seeing
And I stand to empower
your magnificence
Because it is all I see within you
Shining back at me
Light meeting light
Mirrors reflecting souls
And like mirrors do
Two
Amplify the light
Exponentially
Greater than separately

I am not daunted by the details you call defects
Or wish to remain anonymous within
I see you as a spiritual warrior,
Being of light
But maybe in the power
And intensity
Of my light and of my love
It is an unknown force
Hard to understand

The combination is not what mere mortals tend to enjoy
Or expect
Or have the willingness to withstand

I must be authentic
I am this mirror
I want my equal mirror
To unabashedly expose me
With omniscient love
Within the light
And for us to support each other's transcendence of mortality
Into the realm of divinity

Equal partners are always equal
Not by refusing to be vulnerable
Or putting on airs
Or hoisting walls of safety
But by knowing
their wholeness and strength isn't compromised
By flowing
with the need
To lean into the other &
work out spiritual growth together
Share the burden
Shine two lights and expose solution faster

Sometimes you'll lean into my arms,
And I will stroke your hair and
pouring limitless undying love
over you like honey
Make the harshness of this lesson, this moment bearable...like love meditation

Or loving you enough to grant you sabbatical, if you need to climb the Mount Everest within alone, this is not unknown and upon that, from the distance, my light can be shone

And at times I will certainly need you to hold me,
cradle me,
surround my fragility
with the strength of your flesh and your ancient soul..
just hold me
and let me silently heal the subtle remnants of wounds from when I didn't have you..
Many years of needing to be held with no arms,
No light to see mine,
Or reflect my love,
did leave behind harm..

And typically, we'll dance,
create, escalate
into exponentially
higher realms of consciousness than we ever reached
before and much faster
and more freely
than we could have
If you and me
Weren't mirrors for each other's souls
For each other's greatness
For each other's truth
Pouring love and light
Like the sun
Over each other
Like a blessing
Like a prayer
Like divinity itself
Like the air
Weightlessly
Supporting
The life and beauty it surrounds
So gently
But so powerfully

Equal footing
Sharing the burden
Catalyzing the destruction and creation of universes within each other
And allowing space for all we need
Separately
And together

I will never again allow
Anything less than a sacred relationship

Please know
That although I expose
In the mirror
Of my heart
Everything
You are never nothing less than sacred to me
And I would love you as my spiritual practice
To grow brighter
By honoring you
And fighting the battle
To release all fear
And let love create my reality
Kiss you
Cascade my love and unending reverence upon you
Leaving divine light on your skin
And treasure you for everything that makes you
You
Divinely human
Complicated
Infinite
And unique

In Our Own Time

When we met
I saw you
As a reflection of me
But rejected the possibility
Though never completely
But I wasn't ready

Love, there's no knowing
In the moment why
But we can't lie
When we aren't ripe
There's no need to rush
The picking,
To hush,
The process..
The clock's ticking
Is a fantasy.

Ageless souls
Know
In their own
Time
And
I worked
In mine
My way
To You And I

Faces
Feelings
Experiences
Prepared me
For what would be
As it drew closer
I knew you'd come

I may have thought
I was there before
But nothing can
Shake this
Knowing
This experience is showing
Me what I always knew
Love could be

Thank God
With all my heart and soul
For all the plans
Every man
Everything that crashed
Crushed
Destroyed
Cut
Tore
Every door
Shut,
Each opened, &
For my wisdom
to stay wide open
In the face
Of devastation
Manifestation
Proven true
Miracles proven
In meeting you
Synchronicity
And
God
were real to me
But reality
Has made it
Abundantly clear
This can't disappear
Solid knowing
Like I know how to breathe
That this is meant to be
That we are here for mutual love and creativity
And I bow, my head
To the ground
And I now, instead,
Of striving to believe
See
Breathe
Feel
Omnisciently
God is the fabric of Reality
And
We can explore this through
The connection between you and me

We may have felt it coming
Longing, loving, the energy humming
But now,
Is our time,
Ageless souls
In their own time
Find
Their corresponding
Kind.

I'm ready..
Now is our time. <3

The Beloved

The Beloved

By Laura Harrison

*written in honor of Shyamdas.. A bhavish fellow after my own heart.





You don't have to look to far to see the face of God,
All of Existence is the Face we long to see,


You can't get to the Divine by bypassing the everyday world,
The way is through reality.


In denial of the trials and errs were make,
In throwing away the body, in discarding all desire,
Its the means to the end we seek that we forsake,
How can there be just one path to take?
When that which we seek is omniscient,
omnipotent,
omnipresent?


How can we need a mediator to go between,
Ourselves and the fabric of all that is,
When the same Divine spark is in all that's seen,
All that exists is God...


Breathe, feel and release,
And know that when you kiss your lover,
You are kissing the Beloved,
Beloved loving Itself through Itself,
All is Self, with a capital S,
All distress can be released,
When you trust in the vinyasa of reality,
Like carefully arranged designs created by your desire,
So focus your creative fire,
Embody the vibration of what you want to be,
Focus and feeling state of love, peace and the holy,


The Beloved is smiling at you through everything you see,
Human, animal, inanimate object, rock and tree,
God is the loving-consciousness-fabric of reality,

And the Beloved is the one pulling the strings,
animating breath of conscious underlying everything,
So in your eyes let love's light ring,
And don't deny the sacredness of anything,
But if you take it too seriously your missing..
The point
Is
That
All
we
Are
Is
One.

One playful deity
Dividing into many
In order to experience everything,
To give and receive,
Love, serve, and honor,
To forget,
To remember,
To enjoy being together.

So remember when you kiss your child's face,
Or when experiencing times you wish to erase,
When friends, full of grace,
When Lovers embrace,
When chaos will chase,
Or everything's in its place,
It is all the lila of God.





Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Bust Down Those Walls

Bust Down Those Walls
by Laura Harrison


Bust those walls down, baby!

The faster the walls crash down,
 the sooner you become totally free!!!

Open your heart wider in the face of fear, pain, confusion,
Grow your heart large enough to
Swallow your reality.

Destroy the delusion,
and you will grow brighter, freer, and wiser..
To close is to resist,
to resist is to die.
If you close, the pain
and the darkness will only remain.

You are here to live,
free from the reign
of self-consciousness and fear,
in real happiness and love.
No one is here to live a lie.
You should live your Truth,
and let the self-consciousness die.

Pain, the Teacher

Pain, the Teacher

by Laura Harrison

Pain has a way of bringing you right down to your knees,
shredding down your false priorities,
bringing you back to what's real,
everything that ever mattered,
is contained in each moment, right here.

Ever-changing Context

When I lose my stride, I move until I find it again.

When its gone, its never lost, and it returns no matter what the cost.

Often found on the mat, in the sun, and all alone,

And in the silent spaces unknown.

Many people have come and gone,
Many beings have come and gone,
And all have worth just because of birth,
And because of birth comes death.

Nothing owes us anything,
Yet we owe everything to everything,
Independence is both a virtue and an illusion.

We all arise, energies rearrange, nothing ever stays the same,
It can't, stagnation means demise.

And even death means rearrangement,
Recycling, reincarnation, does it not?

Do you believe in all you see,
Then you simply must agree,
The corpse eaten by worm,
turns to dirt, dirt nourishes plant, plant in turn, becomes a bird.

Life leads us round an endless circle,
I imagine all the way from one to next to next,
And everything is an endless sea, of ever changing context.