Good News & Bad News About Pain

I wish I had better news than this: that you will hurt, intensely, in this life; you will realize truths that break your heart and that of others; you will lose people and situations that once defined you and provided great comfort; you will feel agony tear apart your insides; you will feel completely lost; you will question this life, your purpose, and your worth; and you will be brought to your knees in submissive surrender due to deep pain more than once. You will be cracked open like a shell beaten on the rocks at the seashore..  

The good news is this: that these states of intense suffering are acute and transient; that they happen in order to slough away dead layers of your identity and worldview that are keeping you small when you are actually destined to be great; that being lost is the only way that you can let go of enough preconceived ideas to realize new truths; and that when your shell finally cracks open you will know yourself to be the precious pearl and not the cumbersome, dingy armor you were afraid to remove yourself. 

Surrender in the spiritual sense is not weakness or giving up~ it is the release of pig-headed adherence to ideas that are no longer reflecting reality; it is the cessation of swimming against the current of life because you stubbornly feel it is "supposed to" flow the way which you thought it should; it is the acceptance, albeit reluctantly, of absolute truth over lies and delusions.

Surrender and the letting go that allows it mark the beginning if freedom. Without those false concepts and sterile expectations, and heavy ideals, not based in heart but in conditioned belief, it is like setting down cinder blocks that you had been carrying around for as long as you can remember. 

Set them down, and don't fear pain. Don't fear what you feel, no matter how intense. And no matter what your story has been this far, have absolute faith in your own resilience, your own worth, and your own ability to feel passion. 

Agony Gives Birth to Peace...

There is a low hum of agony and discomfort in many lives.. We all experience this at times.. 

Those of us living in the cold, we are part of the agony of anticipating the blooming of Spring, us and all of nature. We await the arrival of milder winds and greenery with our tired bodies and aching minds, like we all long for embodied freedom, which is a slow, intense but beautiful process.

I am not belittling your agony, your longing, your suffering.. And I do not say that you deserve to hurt.. But it is a fact that the discomfort forces us to seek what brings about peace and in that we reveal authenticity...

If you focus on gratitude and the even tiny things that bring you joy and inspiration, you will have an easier time with the challenges you face. Easier time, relatively, as they are not easy.. But why make things harder than they must be?!

There is a way that is not avoidance or complacency, a place of constant growth and movement, that is not totally cozy but not abrasive.. It is a place of aliveness.. Freshness.. The discomfort of learning should be revered and encouraged.. Never grow so lazy that you reject the newness of growth..

Stay vulnerable.. Accept the agonies and longings that fire up and burn at your soul.. They are the forge-fires and your conscious way of handling your experience is what allows your greatest potential to emerge, one bellow's breath at a time. Your consciousness is the blacksmith of your life, if you allow it to be..

Our pain is not nothing, our hurts are real and need proper healing... But we ARE NOT TO BE DEFINED BY OUR HURTS, OUR SCARS, OUR AGONY, OUR PAST.. We define ourselves in each moment by how we work with our experinces. There is no perfection in this.. This is sloppy, tear-stained work. This is work for ourselves alone and for reaching out to loving souls who uplift & empower our healing and naturally reflect our greatness back at us. It is in your honest, raw vulnerability; in owning your feelings, in honoring your truth; in being okay with falling but getting up again; in being tender enough to love yourself, and have enough compassion to see how deeply twisted & tortured others are inside if they can knowingly do harm to others.. In standing your ground firmly but compassionately, yet unapologetically, setting healthy & genuine boundaries; that brings about real healing, and reveals your highest truth.

STOP WAITING for perfection!! Don't WAIT for someday to have happiness or peace or to fully live.. Someday you'll be dead.. Live from your heart everyday! Perfection is in the lines on your hands and face, the dirt under your nails, in your tears and laughter, in the gratitude for food, love & beauty, in the ease of real comfort within your own skin, soul shining boldly and brightly through every pore. Peace isn't found when discomfort stops, it's found when you realize that discomfort, no matter how deep, is transient, but who you are is the light-consciousness that is steady, infinite, untarnished, and full of loving peace, witnessing this brief human journey. 

Agony Births Ecstasy

Moods, emotions,

Like waves in the ocean

Come and go

Pulled and pushed 

By unseen forces

But hold tight

Shine on

Let go

Don't you know?

You are not the storms

That assault you

You are not the clutter

In your brain

You are not this flesh

That will become 

Earth 

Again

And 

Again

So take heed,

Have peace

You are the 

Glow of the moon

The shine of the sun

You are The One

Witnessing

This dance

This drama

This destiny

You are not alone

No matter how much 

Your heart aches

Down to your bones

Jaggedly

Tearing at your soul

This pain cannot tarnish

Your never-ending love-light

So don't fight

This pain

Tearing everything

Everything

Away 

Stinging

Agony

Peeling back the layers 

Tearing it all away

Every place you used to hide

This path is not for the faint

Exposing every detail

Of your humanness 

Enjoy the ride

Because for every freshly exposed layer of skin 

Burning as it faces the light

You step closer to a level of ecstasy that few fathom

Fewer accomplish

When outer life and inner light

Are one

The waves of agony

Are the pangs of contraction 

Giving birth to expanded consciousness & sacred action

You are the expansion of the universe

You are the destruction of worlds

You are the conductor of holy light

Giving dimension and meaning 

To the world

By witnessing miracles 

So when you are in the depths

Of agony

Repeat after me:

I am not this sorrow

I am not this pain

This hurt is beckoning me

To accept reality

Open my heart

And seek the light of joy

Happiness radiates

From the light pouring through my eyes

This pain is just the removal 

Of the disguise 

I will not hide

I will not run

I am the loving witness

The warm light of the sun

Sick, But Happy: The Difference Between Suffering and Pain

Something I learned a long time ago, I believe it was 6 years ago when I started my yoga studio, was how to be gracefully ill. When I first opened I got really sick, or really I was battling germs left and right. Every other week I'd have a fever, and students would arrive, and I'd have a scarf and hat on, sometimes several blankets, and be sitting on the heating grate. But I would always feel like smiling.. Most of the time I'd still teach too.

I discovered that my body may feel sick, but my spirit doesn't.. and I choose to honor the connection between the two, but to think of myself more as my spirit/energy then the wonderful, but temporary body. So when the body has discomforts, like bodies do, it doesn't damage my self-esteem or inner peace and joy.

When I thought all I was was the body, I was miserable.. because a body isn't perfect, and never can be.. its a walking, talking, pooping, farting, composting machine, that has mucus and mentral cycles, and hormones, which I still haven't quite grasped why those are so chalenging, and yet they are!!... and the body grows and ages, and eventually composts back into the giant Mother Earth.

So to shift, and see who I AM as energy, and not just body.. and to release mcuh discomfort comes from the interface of the physical and energetic.. it makes sense, it resonates, it brings liberation!

Even when I suffered a broken heart recently.. I had some severe moments of misery and got a little lost in it. But quicker then ever, and so fast I was surprised.... so quickly, in fact, that I caught myself not wanting to let the pain go so easily because it seemed almost to easy... I found my peace.. the pain existed and still, a bit, exists within my energy field.. its within my experience.. but it isn't my total experience by any means, and it is just there, and we co-exist, and it lessens everyday, like a cut on your finger slowly heals, especially once you stop STARING AT IT.. like that proverbial pot that just WILL NOT BOIL! ;)

It is the same method whether dealing with emotional pain or physical pain, and of course, like the secret to everything else amazing in the Universe, being fully present is the center.

So I become aware fully of the pain... I breathe.. I feel and acknowledge its source, and the way I am experiencing it. As I write at this very moment, my body is so achey that my finger tips almost sting as they hit the keys, I am achey and exhausted, belly sluggish and now on a tea fast for the night and early morning.. but I am surrealy at peace.. I have a great deal of love in this moment, just a general feeling of love.. I just am love, I love, I love the Universe, life, all that is.. and I feel this, along with all the discomfort, and a splash of heartache...

So you feel your pain and your loss.. feel it fully, acknowledge its source and depth, and act truthfully in its honor.. taking care of your sick body.. crying and journaling and processing your emotional pain.. but never grow stagnant, never cling to labels.. "I have a headache, I have a headache, I have a headache..." "I am sick, I am sick.." "I'm in pain, I'm in pain, I'm in pain.." "I am devastated, I am devastated, I am devastated.." That's what the left brain loves to do... obsess.. repeat..like a negative affirmation, concretizing the split moment experience and making a shrine of self-pity out of it.. a monument to this unpleasant experience is errected in that obsessive redundancy....  until you expel the thought.. just.. let it go.. everytime it repeats, don't feed into it.. just breathe and let it fall away, turn your attention to your FULL experience, in the present moment.. and the pain will shrink.. because it is only one part of your total experience.. it is only part of this moment.. along with the entire singing crying laughing dying dancing birthing learning lying loving ebbing flowing Universe.. it is only one part of what you feel.. along with the space around you, the light of your energy, nature, and anything or anyone else in contact with you.. and the music, art, beauty.. the Universe smiling at you through everything that is.. because everything that is, is conscious energy.. Divinity. We are the cells in the Divine living conscious Universe, or what a lot of people call God, or whatever way it resonates in your heart.. we are all connected to all that is. We are so vast.. our life story so significant, and so transient.. this too shall pass.. so find the light in it.. enjoy the mandatory rest and smile.. you are alive.. this is your life story, you are the star, stay real, stay you, life is beautiful.

Okay, so in the moment when you are so sad and in so much pain that it feels like all the air is sucked out of your chest, that you can't see, you don't have quite enough life force in your body to move, and eating is absurdly out of the question, and breathing is asking too much right now, because your entire torso feels like it was scooped out with an icecream scoop.. you may not feel like smilin' at the sunset.. those are the moments when you are so fully surrendered.. the moments when the migraine is so bad that you CANNOT leave the present moment or else you will vomit from the pain, those are the moments you cannot have any other intention but to be present.. weather it out.. because IT WILL PASS, and when it does, it becomes clearer why.. if not right away, someday...

Even my chronic migraines have become a forced and mandatory meditation practice for me, and have increased my mindfulness immensely.. they also keep me in check as the pain shoots up exponentially when I leave the present moment in my head.. so I get knocked down to the lowest rung, so to speak, and humbled really fast.. drawn into the present moment against my will by the degradation of pain, I find my heart becomes extremely open.. totally open. This is the beautiful way that sickness and heartache work for us. When they force us to let go of everthing that is not now, we clear the way.  All false priorities die, and as they wither and dry and blow away, love is right there shining at us. 

As I say in classes, everytime you are present, every yoga practice, every moment of deep mindfulness, even a split second, begins to wipe the slate of habit energy clean, and you can make a conscious choice in how to act and react when you arise afterwards. All of the expctations, habits, paths of least resistance are wiped away, and we can walk in a way that describes the energy that is who we are.. the unique creative flow of Shakti.. life energy..soul.. that is shining through the prism of us.. each of us, a unique and precious crystal, casting our own refletion of the light into the world.. when we clear away all the acquired debris in our heads, and free ourselves of fears, our hearts shine and the light dances through us into the world, into the lives of others..

Most people make the mistake of letting the left brain take over, condemning ourselves for our limitations instead of honoring them and getting over it and going on wisely, we knock ourselves when we are already down, and our energy is dragged down further. Get too stagnant and sucked into the dark chasm of the left brain chatter and judgement, and being sick and depressed will converge and you will feel worse then you had to feel. Most of our suffering is self-induced.. arguably all of it... see, if we are in pain, that is one thing, if we cannot accept that we are in pain and fight it, we suffer.. see there is a difference.

Suffering is the rejection and fighting of reality.. of what we are experiencing in the moment. Accept reality, accept that you are in pain, and suffering ends.. the mind and heart are ok, but the pain remains.. This is true in illness and in heart-break.. and by staying present and responding in integrity with your inner rightness, the pain will heal over time, like any wound, and the it will be gone..

So you see, that is the deal.. there is pain in life, there is heart-ache.. but you don't need to suffer.. you can choose to accept reality and still touch your inner peace and joy while you are also experiencing pain and discomfort, even great pain, I have found. Opening, instead of closing, the heart, makes everything easier and brighter and better. Open wider in the face of your pain, and you may cry, but you will be letting it go, and the pain cannot last, and the heart remains wide open.. more love and beauty flow in to nourish you, life becomes brighter.. over and over, pain cracks us open to let go of the debris and find ecstacy..  and so it goes. I hope you find the bravery to try this, and see for yourself. Love and Blessings to all..... xoxo

The Last Thing I Wanted to Be (was a burden to you)

The Last Thing I Wanted to Be, (was a burden to you)
by Laura Harrison



It is a miracle that we ever even met,
and it was with my whole heart that I said,
I will grant you anything you need.

The one thing you wanted,
seems to be the hardest possible thing
that I could do for you.

How its ripping my heart out not to be near you,
not to hear your voice,
not to tell you what you have come to mean to me.
not to even know if you ever want to know me,
because you don't want me to show me

But its true,
I was all in with you,
but you were not ready
to open up and see me,
you weren't there,
as much as you wished you were.

And I forgive that,
I forgive the way you acted,
I forgive that you were closed,
if you can understand,
and forgive me
that feeling the bond between us
suddenly stop,
and grow cold,
brought me more pain then I could possibly hold.
how it killed me
that
the
One
thing
you needed
was
for me
to set
you free

when all I wanted to do was love you
with all the love
and sunlight
and warmth
contained in the entire universe.

And even though my sharing became a burden on your shoulders
my world still grew colder
when suddenly I could no longer
share my life with you.

Perhaps it was all an illusion.

There is nothing else I can do
but feel this agony for you
and pray that if you do love me
you will come to me
come into my world
with that giant heart of yours
and want to know me,
and that you will be as hungry
for me
as I always was for you.

Or that at least
if its through,
you'll make it clear to me,
the last thing I want to be,
is
a
burden
to you.

We Are NOT Under Attack: stop taking everything personally

This is a topic that surfaces frequently because nearly EVERYONE does it at one point or another, and it is not at all productive. I still do it, and now I see myself doing it and sort of laugh, even if I'm uncomfortable at the same time. I encourage you to develop the same regard for this highly egoic behavior.

A break-up: you are totally in this amazing relationship and suddenly the other ceases to be as connected, shut down completely and or runs away. It simply must be a reflection of their regard for you, your worth as a person and as a mate, right?

Correspondence: you call, text, or email someone, and don't receive instant response, the other person must have been offended or is certainly rejecting you, right?

Moods: someone gives you a dirty look, acts snobishly, or is unusually abrupt with you or unenthusiastic in speaking with you. Friends or strangers, the teller at the bank, the person at the Taco Bell drive-thru, your mom- you must have done something in their eyes to have made them mad at you or they must not think you are as good as them or something, right?

Rejection: that someone you are romantically interested in doesn't know that you exist... You must be totally ugly and unlovable, right?

In each moment, every single person has his or her own set of filters in his or her own mind, running all information and experiences through those filters colors the interpretation of the meaning. We see what we want to see, or what we see as bent through the lenses of our minds. What are these filters made of? Each person has his or her own chain of experience- unique head-stuff, insecurities, plus the history of individual life experience and experiences that day and at that very moment. We are such intuitive beings that we pick up on the energy of others- even subtle discomfort, irritation, dissatisfaction and the entire gamut of human emotions, but we make the mistake of thinking that they all must be directed towards us. That is where we go wrong and cause unneeded hurt to ourselves and others.

What if that someone ran away from the relationship because they were truly frightened to feel something so deep? What if that person is just genuinely busy, having a hectic time and happens to be unable to write back for a while? Maybe someone's mood is sour because they have a headache, their blood sugar is very low or high, they are self-conscious, or upset at something that has nothing to do with you? Maybe that person doesn't notice you, but maybe they are intimidated by you, or assume you are in a relationship? To every situation there are infinite possibilities. If we choose to take everything personally we only give ourselves an off-putting, negative, paranoid, insecure vibe, which actually will repel the positive people and situations we are hoping to attract.

Next time you are sure the world is out to get you, try and broaden your perspective to include the other possible permutations of the situation. If you don't want someone to be upset with you or reject you, don't reject them by assuming they dislike you every time they breathe in a way that isn't in line with your expectations. Dispel your expectations when you can because they will lead to disappointment, unless they can roll with the unfolding of truth/reality moment to moment.

Believe in yourself, in your goodness, in your lovable qualities, in the fact that you do the best you can each day. When you stop acting like a victim or feeling scared of the opinions of others, you can actually grow in confidence, patience, and beauty every day...

The Purpose of Suffering.. or at least one of the positive purposes it serves

What I have seen in my life, coming into sharper and sharper focus, is that fact that suffering has many positive purposes. Granted, if we all always suffered severely, we would probably just want to die and give up on this whole physical plane thing, but suffering comes and goes in cycles like anything else.

Generally, suffering comes from resistance, fear, and destructive/loss cycles of life... times when we lose something or someone, or close a chapter to our life story. One chapter closes so that another can begin, though, we must always remember that...


What I have seen though, at least as a healer of sorts, is that every single way I have ever suffered has given me a connection to another being years later.. my struggle that I overcame in the past (sometimes distant past, sometimes maybe a week ago!) is the very same way in which this other person is now caught, suffering, struggling, and I now have the direct experience and thus humility and insights, to in some way be of service.

This has happened many times over in my world. It gives me more peace when I go through difficult times, since I know that I am not alone. I cease to feel sorry for myself, or at least get out of that self-pity pool much quicker, perhaps just a fast dip! I can see the purposeful patterns emerging in my lifetime.. and I cannot pretend to know exactly what shall be, but as my intuition sharpens I feel it happening from an earlier and earlier point.

It is hard to roll with difficult experiences with grace.. it takes enormous trust, faith, not in the conventional sense so much as faith in your own inner strength and ability to persevere. Trusting that life brings about purposeful experiences and a purposeful arrangement helps give us something to hold on to. This concept is called "vinyasa" in Sanskrit- purposeful arrangement, to place in a special way, or a cycle with phases, such as the seasons or moon cycles.

 Another concept that ties into this is synchronicity, which, once you are open to, gives you a LOT of inspiration, joy, and strength... Synchronicity is seeing everything that happens as purposeful, and thinking that coincidences don't blindly exist, but instead are very meaningful. A way to view it is as if everything that happens in your life is part of a conversation with the universe (or a higher power or however you perceive it to work in your worldview)... everything is purposeful, even your suffering.. and when you see yourself heal, move on happier then ever and more full of life, you can easily start to feel this way. Then when you in turn, quite naturally, see the opportunity arise to use that experience to help ease another's suffering, it can be powerfully encouraging. Then when you find another difficult transition, confidence has grown, it becomes easier and easier.

Life is not bleak... it can be bliss... we just have to adjust and attune our perceptions to an increasingly larger and larger view to see it....

Blessings!  ~<3, laura

April 2012: Healing and Letting-Go~ Flowing onward...

April 2012: Healing and Letting-Go~ Flowing onward...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."     ~Anais Nin

Part of this path, this human experience, is hurting. We all usually far prefer happiness over pain. However, we can't have one without the other. So what do we do!? How do we deal?


Well, we can't go around it.. it will find us. We can't stick it down somewhere deep inside of us in some sort of a cement-blockaded fallout shelter... because it will rot and corrupt our future happiness and physical health (I have a theory that suppressed emotions are related to cancer). We simply have to open the door and let it in... we have to let it flow over us and around us and through us..

...like cold, cold river water in the mountains, stick your feet right in, feel the shock, feel the invigoration, allow it completely... shock, sting, wanting to run away, numbness, intensity, and somehow, somewhere, the heaviness, the jumble, is relieved, released, and we are somehow sharper, freer, more alive and blissful then ever. And we will see how and why we had to experience what we have, to be who we really are.

Mourning the end of a relationship, be it to death, break-up, or moving far apart, fading away... it is a form of death. It feels like dying, sometimes and at some point we feel as if we don't care if we live or die. Take heart, because this is just part of it. A part of us does die, like dried leaves on a house plant, we shed our old views of how it was supposed to be, who we were, what our relationship was, who the other person was, and we start fresh. A new reality is born. A fresh opportunity to live, to be, to move forward into the unknown without fear- with excitement and joy.

Let go completely of the past views. Let the pain ravage through you, cry, feel, move that energy, and let yourself heal.
 
When it happens that you are experiencing a transformation, a loss, a break-up, and you must heal, let yourself feel it without fear. You are not alone, you are not the only person who has felt this, and you will move forward into a brighter future, as long as you can give yourSelf completely to the present.

<3~ laura