You Can Find Yourself Anywhere

I can find myself anywhere.

 

I can find myself in any situation, in any hardship. I can find myself when I am very ill, or in severe heartache. Sometimes, I can find myself more easily when I am weakest. I can find myself in ecstasy and ease. I can find myself when I am destitute, and when money flows like water. I can find myself when I am lost, in fact, getting lost is exactly the way to find yourself.

How can I do all of these things? How can I find myself, be myself when my hair is gone, or body dying, or mind is lost to everything familiar?

I have not cast my anchor in the material. I have not decided that all I am is my physical body. I know that all I am is not a mental experience. I have transcended these things, because I know that I am the consciousness witnessing all this, the artist observing the world and the intricacies of this role, this life story. I am participating fully, and I have manifested this mind and body, these situations through which I birth my consciousness, and it is my job to listen to the inner flow to guide me naturally in allowing mind and body to truly reflect my innermost Self, my soul. 

You are the light that pours trough your eyes, the witness of the heart that cries, you are the love shimmering playfully and curiously, you are the passion and creative urge. 

Everything else is real, but in order to know yourself, you must know that this isn't 'chicken or egg', your energy/soul causes all else to manifest, and changes made in the physical impact the expression of that soul in this world of form, but do not tarnish the essence.

No matter how many times you fail, your consciousness is still within you awaiting the return of your mind and body and heart into alignment with it. It never holds a grudge. You either are functioning partially or fully aligned. Spirit never dies, need changes, isn't corrupted by this one life story. 

So be fearless in living your truth, guided by your sense of inner rightness and you will be a free person walking in this world. Your consciousness/soul will shine through you unimpeded and you will be as a being of light in a world of darkness. Your joy as you taste all the flavors of life without restraining yourself from your authentic shine will illuminate the truth within others. If it is too intense for them, let them step out of the way. All free beings recognize each other, even if they only have moments of true freedom. It begins this way.

This is not just philosophy. This is pure direct experience speaking. If I can do this, anyone can, if they just make an effort and get out of their own way. 

It requires trust, bravery and diligence. It requires patience and a loving heart. It requires the cultivation of simple pleasures and child-like joy. You have what it takes, because you are human. 

Namaste.

Embarasment, Empowering Each Other, & Transcendence

It is not by disappointment in each other, disregard or force that we best catalyze each other's growth... 

When I am at my weakest, it is in seeing my reflection in the heart of those that love me and see nothing but the goodness of my heart, even when I fall far short of that mark, that uplifts and empowers me to face the sharp sting of messing up, to grow stronger and rise above it where I belong, shining brighter. Love ennobles us to transcend our shortcomings gracefully and without trauma.

We learn through our mistakes. It hurts like hell to truly mess up, and the burn serves as a reminder that we carry within, not to make the same mistake again. 

We often let the embarrassment of the revelation of our deficiency trap us in a cycle of shame.. But this is to debilitate ourselves and wallow in our own refuse, and does us not, nor any others, a bit of good. Self-pity is an ugly place to hang out, not very becoming on a human. Not productive in any positive way, it's just a lazy masochistic loop.

The pain of falling flat and messing up is like the wound of food poisoning. We lose all desire to repeat the same offense. We have no desire to eat the same food item for sometimes years or the rest of our days. So do our mistakes serve us, to grow us, if we allow them to be such.

"Love me most when I least deserve it for it is when I am most in need" ~Swedish Proverb 

Somewhere between letting go of unattainable ideals divorced from reality and genuine striving with everything you have within you and maybe just a little more, is a place. I'll meet you there.. Where we are very human, very authentic, and full of love. It is the place where the fullest potential is alive, and where honesty trumps pride. Truth and love, growing patience like a muscle, and total forgiveness are crucial qualities. Within those four pillars, we are everything we are meant to be. Messy, sloppy, sometimes tear-streaked, but full of honest love and reverence. Eyes shining, alive in our greatest potential...

Perfection and embarrassment have new meanings in the truly free spirit's vocabulary.

Perfection is complete honesty and giving all one has to embody their truth externally & internally, in the midst of all the quirks, roadblocks and of reality's detours. Integrity with one's own truth and with reality without resistance..

Embarrassment is the stinging slap of opening one's eyes to see a little clearer, like the clarifying slap to the cheek of one once hysterical. 

Shame has no place in our world, if we learn our lessons and forgive. No one needs an albatross around their neck anymore. We are all human afterall..The perfect wild stormy synthesis between physical and metaphysical energies. All-at-once sacred and just for fun, here we are in our perfect imperfection to love, laugh, cry, grow and revere. 

Agony Births Ecstasy

Moods, emotions,

Like waves in the ocean

Come and go

Pulled and pushed 

By unseen forces

But hold tight

Shine on

Let go

Don't you know?

You are not the storms

That assault you

You are not the clutter

In your brain

You are not this flesh

That will become 

Earth 

Again

And 

Again

So take heed,

Have peace

You are the 

Glow of the moon

The shine of the sun

You are The One

Witnessing

This dance

This drama

This destiny

You are not alone

No matter how much 

Your heart aches

Down to your bones

Jaggedly

Tearing at your soul

This pain cannot tarnish

Your never-ending love-light

So don't fight

This pain

Tearing everything

Everything

Away 

Stinging

Agony

Peeling back the layers 

Tearing it all away

Every place you used to hide

This path is not for the faint

Exposing every detail

Of your humanness 

Enjoy the ride

Because for every freshly exposed layer of skin 

Burning as it faces the light

You step closer to a level of ecstasy that few fathom

Fewer accomplish

When outer life and inner light

Are one

The waves of agony

Are the pangs of contraction 

Giving birth to expanded consciousness & sacred action

You are the expansion of the universe

You are the destruction of worlds

You are the conductor of holy light

Giving dimension and meaning 

To the world

By witnessing miracles 

So when you are in the depths

Of agony

Repeat after me:

I am not this sorrow

I am not this pain

This hurt is beckoning me

To accept reality

Open my heart

And seek the light of joy

Happiness radiates

From the light pouring through my eyes

This pain is just the removal 

Of the disguise 

I will not hide

I will not run

I am the loving witness

The warm light of the sun

Hold The Space For You

I know you're hurting,
Uncomfortable
Growing
maybe
Writhing under your calm exterior
Confusion under your usual knowing
Barely showing
what you're really feeling
Reeling
Silently enduring
In the middle
Of a big transition
Even gurus
Go through
Because we are all divine
And all human too

I know how it feels, baby
I feel it too.
I'm in the middle of my own.
What if I say
These sweet words to you?...

It doesn't matter
if you don't know who you are
All the love you feel
Even the pain,
The light that shines through you
Is the light of ancient stars

You don't need to say a word
And I will understand
Whether or not you want
to hold my hand
I will hold the space for you
Silently shine my love on you
No attachment to what you find is true
Just holding the space in love and light for you

If you don't know right now
Who you are and what you feel
I can step back quietly
And let you watch it be revealed

Accountability
doesn't often catch up
to people like you and me
Because we are usually the guides
But teacher is a role
I know you know
That role is often turned
But you know how
To maintain peace
So that your inner disintegration
Can't be discerned
You can feel
More than most ever feel
Breathe
Stay with it
And never let it be revealed
That your whole world
Was destroyed inside of you
That you just adopted
Another freshly updated world view
But it is a wholly different vulnerability
Exposed between you and me
When I feel what you feel and you feel what I do
There's nowhere to hide
It's intense and it's true
Like you're inside of me and I am inside of you

And I wonder
To myself
And now out loud..
I am no less if you just don't love me
But I somehow
Feel like you came
To a wound
To a question
Or to a thought
And it got on top of you
And it dragged you
Out of feeling
Into it's chambers
Within your brain
It's pain
And Sobering slap
Broke the trance
And out of love you came

Did you not want to ask for me to step aside and witness
Or to leave you alone?
Did you not want me to see you
In your process,
In your home?
I know that you are Divinity
But you have no images of sanctity
To uphold with me
God knows how to hurt
Become lost
Or utilize vice
Just as readily as he can channel sacred advice
And this goddess didn't judge
Wouldn't judge
In fact
Only loved.
Held the space,
Gazed admiringly upon your face.
In your humanness
Like well-worn antique furniture
Your beauty is most revealed.

No matter how much I love you
Your path will always be your own
And no matter where I go
I will always be at home
My own heart is my anchor
Each moment
I savor
Even in excruciating pain
My loving light remains
And I accept reality
Wholeheartedly

Even if you did chose
To share this life with me
We each will need to pull away
At certain seasons and flows
Some things can only be revealed
When we feel totally alone

I can hold a space for that
For truth, no matter what
I can accept the mystery of life ahead
And focus on the moment
And it doesn't stop the intuitive imagery I receive
But it takes two of us choosing it
If it ever will be conceived

So if your heart says no to me
And that may be the truth
I can hold that space and bow
No matter how much I can feel for you
Nothing overrides the truth in each now
Honest feeling is the proof
But sometimes strands of feeling
Become tangled, like string
So I honor you know what choice to make
Because it changes everything
And I am here
For truth
Becoming clear
Through the experiences
Loss, creation and sustaining
Never do I want feigning
My loving light always is remaining

And maybe I'm wrong
This has nothing to do with me
And I can accept that too
this is just my release
To
Let
You
Go

Before I let it fade
In order to get it out of me
I had to let you know
What I feel
And the opportunity

And all I am is love and light
And all I want is what's real and right
By no one's standards
But our own

And I hold the space
For truth alone
In love and light
wherever I go.

With a Tint of Melancholy

With a Tint of Melancholy

By Laura Harrison


everything has a purpose,
pain is a cracking open,
to feel,
to even greater depths,
heart wider each time you heal.


so why are you fighting reality?
will banging your fists change a thing?
or ask yourself what you are resisting,
and stop,
to begin to live your life gracefully.

we all feel pain, we all have truths,
that are too painful to accept
as real
all at once
it is a pain so sharp
so jagged
so tearing to our flesh
like searing and scooping out the organs
sucking all the wind from the lungs
pulling all of the light from the sky...

I know these pains,
I have felt them too,
but I have learned
a new way

to not deny the agony
to feel the inconsolable pain
but not to take it into me
and crystalize it
and tell myself lies
like
"this pain is me"
or to form around it
as if it were my identity..
to do so is to build a monument in the middle of my mind,
to lay out a shrine of worship,
to that which I wish didn't exist..
it is the surest way to misery.

So I do not deny my agony,
instead I let it tear through me,
I let the tears flow,
I face it,
I feel it,
but I
let
it
go.

I don't let my brain obsess,
I confess, it becomes easier with time,
I feel the misery,
I feel everything else,
and I don't close against the pain,
I open like a flower,
I blossom into reality,
and instantly,
even in agony,
I am free.

Try,
try it,
try it over and over again,
and breath by breath,
it will
eventually,
set you free.

Give it time,
and when you suffer,
ask yourself what you are fighting,
and your awareness
will begin highlighting
all the ways you resisted your salvation.

I am not saying there is a promise of no pain,
but suffering is an option that is caused in your brain

stop rejecting what already is,
and you are already free,
and your joy may not always be complete,
but it will be deep,
sublime,
steady,
with tint of melancholy.

Sick, But Happy: The Difference Between Suffering and Pain

Something I learned a long time ago, I believe it was 6 years ago when I started my yoga studio, was how to be gracefully ill. When I first opened I got really sick, or really I was battling germs left and right. Every other week I'd have a fever, and students would arrive, and I'd have a scarf and hat on, sometimes several blankets, and be sitting on the heating grate. But I would always feel like smiling.. Most of the time I'd still teach too.

I discovered that my body may feel sick, but my spirit doesn't.. and I choose to honor the connection between the two, but to think of myself more as my spirit/energy then the wonderful, but temporary body. So when the body has discomforts, like bodies do, it doesn't damage my self-esteem or inner peace and joy.

When I thought all I was was the body, I was miserable.. because a body isn't perfect, and never can be.. its a walking, talking, pooping, farting, composting machine, that has mucus and mentral cycles, and hormones, which I still haven't quite grasped why those are so chalenging, and yet they are!!... and the body grows and ages, and eventually composts back into the giant Mother Earth.

So to shift, and see who I AM as energy, and not just body.. and to release mcuh discomfort comes from the interface of the physical and energetic.. it makes sense, it resonates, it brings liberation!

Even when I suffered a broken heart recently.. I had some severe moments of misery and got a little lost in it. But quicker then ever, and so fast I was surprised.... so quickly, in fact, that I caught myself not wanting to let the pain go so easily because it seemed almost to easy... I found my peace.. the pain existed and still, a bit, exists within my energy field.. its within my experience.. but it isn't my total experience by any means, and it is just there, and we co-exist, and it lessens everyday, like a cut on your finger slowly heals, especially once you stop STARING AT IT.. like that proverbial pot that just WILL NOT BOIL! ;)

It is the same method whether dealing with emotional pain or physical pain, and of course, like the secret to everything else amazing in the Universe, being fully present is the center.

So I become aware fully of the pain... I breathe.. I feel and acknowledge its source, and the way I am experiencing it. As I write at this very moment, my body is so achey that my finger tips almost sting as they hit the keys, I am achey and exhausted, belly sluggish and now on a tea fast for the night and early morning.. but I am surrealy at peace.. I have a great deal of love in this moment, just a general feeling of love.. I just am love, I love, I love the Universe, life, all that is.. and I feel this, along with all the discomfort, and a splash of heartache...

So you feel your pain and your loss.. feel it fully, acknowledge its source and depth, and act truthfully in its honor.. taking care of your sick body.. crying and journaling and processing your emotional pain.. but never grow stagnant, never cling to labels.. "I have a headache, I have a headache, I have a headache..." "I am sick, I am sick.." "I'm in pain, I'm in pain, I'm in pain.." "I am devastated, I am devastated, I am devastated.." That's what the left brain loves to do... obsess.. repeat..like a negative affirmation, concretizing the split moment experience and making a shrine of self-pity out of it.. a monument to this unpleasant experience is errected in that obsessive redundancy....  until you expel the thought.. just.. let it go.. everytime it repeats, don't feed into it.. just breathe and let it fall away, turn your attention to your FULL experience, in the present moment.. and the pain will shrink.. because it is only one part of your total experience.. it is only part of this moment.. along with the entire singing crying laughing dying dancing birthing learning lying loving ebbing flowing Universe.. it is only one part of what you feel.. along with the space around you, the light of your energy, nature, and anything or anyone else in contact with you.. and the music, art, beauty.. the Universe smiling at you through everything that is.. because everything that is, is conscious energy.. Divinity. We are the cells in the Divine living conscious Universe, or what a lot of people call God, or whatever way it resonates in your heart.. we are all connected to all that is. We are so vast.. our life story so significant, and so transient.. this too shall pass.. so find the light in it.. enjoy the mandatory rest and smile.. you are alive.. this is your life story, you are the star, stay real, stay you, life is beautiful.

Okay, so in the moment when you are so sad and in so much pain that it feels like all the air is sucked out of your chest, that you can't see, you don't have quite enough life force in your body to move, and eating is absurdly out of the question, and breathing is asking too much right now, because your entire torso feels like it was scooped out with an icecream scoop.. you may not feel like smilin' at the sunset.. those are the moments when you are so fully surrendered.. the moments when the migraine is so bad that you CANNOT leave the present moment or else you will vomit from the pain, those are the moments you cannot have any other intention but to be present.. weather it out.. because IT WILL PASS, and when it does, it becomes clearer why.. if not right away, someday...

Even my chronic migraines have become a forced and mandatory meditation practice for me, and have increased my mindfulness immensely.. they also keep me in check as the pain shoots up exponentially when I leave the present moment in my head.. so I get knocked down to the lowest rung, so to speak, and humbled really fast.. drawn into the present moment against my will by the degradation of pain, I find my heart becomes extremely open.. totally open. This is the beautiful way that sickness and heartache work for us. When they force us to let go of everthing that is not now, we clear the way.  All false priorities die, and as they wither and dry and blow away, love is right there shining at us. 

As I say in classes, everytime you are present, every yoga practice, every moment of deep mindfulness, even a split second, begins to wipe the slate of habit energy clean, and you can make a conscious choice in how to act and react when you arise afterwards. All of the expctations, habits, paths of least resistance are wiped away, and we can walk in a way that describes the energy that is who we are.. the unique creative flow of Shakti.. life energy..soul.. that is shining through the prism of us.. each of us, a unique and precious crystal, casting our own refletion of the light into the world.. when we clear away all the acquired debris in our heads, and free ourselves of fears, our hearts shine and the light dances through us into the world, into the lives of others..

Most people make the mistake of letting the left brain take over, condemning ourselves for our limitations instead of honoring them and getting over it and going on wisely, we knock ourselves when we are already down, and our energy is dragged down further. Get too stagnant and sucked into the dark chasm of the left brain chatter and judgement, and being sick and depressed will converge and you will feel worse then you had to feel. Most of our suffering is self-induced.. arguably all of it... see, if we are in pain, that is one thing, if we cannot accept that we are in pain and fight it, we suffer.. see there is a difference.

Suffering is the rejection and fighting of reality.. of what we are experiencing in the moment. Accept reality, accept that you are in pain, and suffering ends.. the mind and heart are ok, but the pain remains.. This is true in illness and in heart-break.. and by staying present and responding in integrity with your inner rightness, the pain will heal over time, like any wound, and the it will be gone..

So you see, that is the deal.. there is pain in life, there is heart-ache.. but you don't need to suffer.. you can choose to accept reality and still touch your inner peace and joy while you are also experiencing pain and discomfort, even great pain, I have found. Opening, instead of closing, the heart, makes everything easier and brighter and better. Open wider in the face of your pain, and you may cry, but you will be letting it go, and the pain cannot last, and the heart remains wide open.. more love and beauty flow in to nourish you, life becomes brighter.. over and over, pain cracks us open to let go of the debris and find ecstacy..  and so it goes. I hope you find the bravery to try this, and see for yourself. Love and Blessings to all..... xoxo

It is not the wound that hurts so much..

It is not the wound that hurts so much
by Laura Harrison


How quickly things change
how abruptly things rearrange
plans shatter
hopes scatter
and holding on to what is no longer there
or
was never there
but was so desired
is the part that burns

so many hopes
of happy returns
of something that would last
better then the past

the pain
remains
long after the memory of the disdain paid
is laid to rest
because of the fear

the fear of letting go
the fear of being free
the fear of what you know
.. although

you thought this was it
that this one would last
no matter how fresh
your wound is past

so
let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go

and you will find
that it is not the wound that hurts so much
as your fierce reluctance
to accept that your false hopes
are not reality

let it go
 and you'll be free

and for a minute there is an empty space in the middle of your heart
but if you turn your attention to living your life you'll start
to fill that space with life and love
and in no time
the wound is long gone

only time and being fully here
to the rest of your life,
not just the pain,
will bring you healing
and allow you to perservere

Painfully Lost in the Small View

Pain, loss, tragedy, frustration and embarrassment are part of our life stories, as much as growth, joy, delight, fascination, and ecstasy.

We seem to go through a spiraling pattern of evolution- bright, open, free turns and heavy, painful, withdrawn ones as well. However, pleasant and unpleasant are part of the same growth, the same path of enlightenment.
When the heavy, painful experiences are upon us, it is helpful to recall that the pain is from opening and letting go of these false or former realities that are no longer current. It is the pain of dying to the old idea of your life and who you are, and the restructuring of your view of reality in the light of new shifts and truths. Oh, that doesn't sound so bad, right? But the truth is, it is easy to get lost in the texture and terrain of the suffering when experiencing it.
The left brain/ego is concerned with past and future and fully absorbed in the up-close, individual experience. In painful experiences, it zooms in on the source of the suffering and obsesses on the tragedy of it all. It loops around over and over in the lament and agony, and feels so alive in the torment. The ego/individual self loves to affirm its own existence, because it is very insecure. It obsesses on solution and closure, even when only time and space can resolve the ache.
The solution is to spend more time in yoga practice, meditation, deep relaxation, creative expression, and in Nature, or in general in cultivating present moment awareness/mindfulness. Mindfulness is the experience connected with the right brain, it is the broad view, widening the lens of your attention, so that it no longer zooms in your suffering, but sees the suffering as only one part of your total current experience.
"Breathe, Feel everything, Let it go", I tell myself, and my students, frequently, "and respond honestly with what you experience." Honesty beckons us to let go of the unhealthy relationship, accept loss, forgive ourselves for making mistakes and to learn from them instead of beating ourselves up. Honesty makes us notice that the pain may be there, but there is also peace, there are also things to enjoy, there are also many blessings to count. Honesty reminds us that nothing lasts forever, so neither will this pain, and we can turn it into growth and personal development instead of feeling sorry for ourselves.
Its easy to sink into the heaviness of defeat, to feel sorry for ourselves, but that mood is only healthy once in each experience. Once the facts have permeated our awareness and shock is no longer necessary, the only humane way to resolve our suffering is to practice extreme self care and be present. Don't get sucked into the hole of depression, don't give in to self-pity, its like a drug. Its lazy. Its cheap. Its ugly. Instead, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go. Again, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go... And continue to move on with your healthy life.
Automatically get yourself present when you start to drift down that filthy hallway of "what if's" and reinventing the past, and other counter-factuals. "If" nothing, work on accepting Reality as it is but touching it in the present moment. Don't waste time worrying about the future, and "what will happen when..." Instead, immerse yourself completely in the moment at hand, the task at hand, the company at hand. Use self-care: take a walk, eat healthfully and not too little or too much, use techniques that bring you peace, and that bring you into the NOW.
...And an amazing thing happens.. The pain will slowly heal, like a cut heals, from the inside out.. And naturally the scab falls off, and then eventually you won't even see the mark anymore, or if you can, it certainly won't hurt, just remind you of a time and place and experience and lesson.
A story.. Part of your life story.. Not THE entire life story. So don't get lost in the close-up when you can soar above the total experience and feel so much more then just your pain.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The Last Thing I Wanted to Be (was a burden to you)

The Last Thing I Wanted to Be, (was a burden to you)
by Laura Harrison



It is a miracle that we ever even met,
and it was with my whole heart that I said,
I will grant you anything you need.

The one thing you wanted,
seems to be the hardest possible thing
that I could do for you.

How its ripping my heart out not to be near you,
not to hear your voice,
not to tell you what you have come to mean to me.
not to even know if you ever want to know me,
because you don't want me to show me

But its true,
I was all in with you,
but you were not ready
to open up and see me,
you weren't there,
as much as you wished you were.

And I forgive that,
I forgive the way you acted,
I forgive that you were closed,
if you can understand,
and forgive me
that feeling the bond between us
suddenly stop,
and grow cold,
brought me more pain then I could possibly hold.
how it killed me
that
the
One
thing
you needed
was
for me
to set
you free

when all I wanted to do was love you
with all the love
and sunlight
and warmth
contained in the entire universe.

And even though my sharing became a burden on your shoulders
my world still grew colder
when suddenly I could no longer
share my life with you.

Perhaps it was all an illusion.

There is nothing else I can do
but feel this agony for you
and pray that if you do love me
you will come to me
come into my world
with that giant heart of yours
and want to know me,
and that you will be as hungry
for me
as I always was for you.

Or that at least
if its through,
you'll make it clear to me,
the last thing I want to be,
is
a
burden
to you.

Consecrate This Pain

Introduction: this poem is about those bittersweet times when unconditional love asks us to let go of someone we love, someone we loved more then we could've ever imagined.
Its also about pain, pain is inevitable in life, and we have to not resist it, not bottle it, but let it tear through us, let it crack our hearts wide open, to cry, to let the energy move and pass. We can dedicate our pain to the healing of others, and then, somehow it becomes a blessing to feel it, for the sake of someone we love.CONSECRATE THIS PAIN
-Laura Harrison  I'm sorry I didn't have the strength to let you go,As soon as I knew.
I could see
You
Were struggling
To open up to me
I knew long before..
Before I had the strength to let you goAnd
I promise
To listen
Much sooner
Much sooner
Forever more.I dragged it out,
I had to doubt,
But I knew you weren't mine to hold,
I just wanted you to be,
So badly.
I am open, I trust fully,
I trust in you, myself, and in reality,
In honoring the way you needed to pull away
And disconnect from me,
I realized just how much you've come to mean to me.
But for weeks it was a burden
That you didn't need to bare
And it tears my heart to shredsSo if I truly care, then
My only choice
Was to silence the voice
Of my growing love for you,
And since I love you more then my own need
The only right thing was to follow through,
Let go of you,
And hope my absence helps your healing speed.
I know its right, and my heart is true,
And I will dedicate this suffering to you..I wish for your own peace more then my own. I consecrate this pain,
To take the weight off you,
May every tear I cry
Help to set you free,
You owe me nothing,
But this your gift from meSo let me take the pain for you,
Let me bare the burden,
May my suffering set you free..
Let my agony,
Cleanse your own,
I want to do this for you,
Even if you will never love me.
I may be far away,
But I know we are all energy,
And in my deep desire to serve you,
May my devastation set you free.i'm not alone. But I miss you. I wish that I could kiss you. I wish that I could be the one to hold and console, but painfully for me, that doesn't seem to be my role.  That is not my reality.

And for you
I'd keep living with this pain,
As long as you need,
I'll keep crying myself to sleep,
And missing your warmth,
And pray that the love was not a fantasy.
And that you'll be back for me.
 And even if it was,
I wouldn't change a thing,
To know you is an amazing gift,
You have changed everything.
I won't dwell, longer then my stay, this time.
I won't hold on to the pain,
It won't take me under,
But the agony comes in waves,
And I can't help but cry,
I refuse to let it take me asunder,
This pain will only open my heart wider,
And if and when you're ready for me,
I'll only be stronger,
shine brighter,
And we'll both be
glad I set you free.

Embarrassment As Teacher (and exploration of Gunas)

Written for Healing Springs Journal's Feb/March 2013 issue:


The Role of Embarrassment As Teacher
and exploring the Gunas to understand energy and experiences in spiritual growth

by Laura Harrison

It hurts to be embarrassed by our actions. It burns our hearts to make mistakes, it is a complete and almost unbearable form of vulnerability, belly exposed and everyone can see our fallibility. Most people stop there, dwell, form hardened scars, and carry a heavy collection of regrets. But this is not where consciousness is asking us to stop, that is not the intended usage of such experiences. Instead, we stop, and feel that pain, and sit with it, recognizing it, and openly observe. Pieces settle into place. We can journal, talk to friends, practice meditation, energy healing, or yoga asanas. We can connect with animals or nature, walking and hiking, or sitting peacefully. We can think, and we can more importantly cultivate spaciousness... the spaces between the thoughts, and the pieces fall into place, insight arises, and the pain has become an agent for our spiritual development.

The regular and unconscious response to pain and discomfort is to avoid it. We tense against it, we close.. this is resistance. We learn in the path of mindfulness to instead open wider, to offer NO resisitance as we observe all phenomena, all experiences equally without judgment or favoring. What happens when we cease to resist the pain, is that we feel it more accutely and intensely, but it leaves us more open, more free, and more conscious. We can learn from the pain- the sting of embarrassment teaches us not to repeat the same mistakes, like the memory of a burned hand teaches us not to touch a hot pan, or the memory of food poisoning provides a visceral reminder to be more cautious of what we eat.

The evolution of consciousness that we are all undertaking as embodied souls requires this trial-and-error process. As we raise our awareness, as our energy changes, that which used to serve us no longer does. Old habits that were real and important and part of us before, are no longer connected to who we are. These ghosts need to be released. This requires a humbling sense of openess and flexibility of mind, and it can be hard to imagine that those who know us can adapt as our personality evolves with us. However, people connect, disconnect, and sometimes reconnect as their energies are harmonious or disharmonious. Fear of loneliness cannot prevent our evolution, because when one person leaves, another will come. We are here to live our truth, no matter what the cost. And furthermore, if we do not live our truth, we will suffer deep inside, and that suffering will grow like a disease and eventually cause so much ugliness and hurt that we will begin to take it out on others. It never does us or others justice to maintain falseness.  

Spirtiual Puberty

This process of uncomfortable yet delightful evolution is almost like puberty.. with all the awkwardness and embarrassment, confusion, agonizing discomfort, getting lost, figuring, exploring and blossoming into deeper and deeper levels of confidence, strength, and more palpable connections to inner rightness and truth. Just like puberty, the changes are happening, if we wish them to or not. It makes it harder if we fight reality, and since that would be futile, it only makes sense to open wider and wider to the painful but beautiful lessons we earn.

Everything happens in natural cycles; seasons of light and dark, birth and death and rebirth. Life in the physical is filled with nested spirals of evolution; microcosms tucked majestically into macrocosms. Linear paths are typically human in invention, everything else spirals around and around. Forgetting and remembering are part of the journey. Loneliness and rediscovery of interconnection are part of the path as well. As are mistakes and forgiveness

In yoga philosophy, the Gunas are used as a handy way of discussing different qualities in energy. Our cycles of evolution can be seen and understood more with the help of these ideas. Don't worry about grasping the idea and labelling things.. let it help you to articulate what you already feel in your experiences.

The Gunas

There are three gunas. All three are present in all of us, but certain energies, people, or actions can have a strong dominance of one guna in particular. Remember that these labels are to help you articulate and process what you feel, so maybe meditate on an example of each and feel the differences in the qualities of energy.

Tamas is the guna of stillness, of lethargy, of delusion, darkness and depression. It is present in aparent solidness and stagnation. It is part of the "darkness" of negativity, the delusion that we are seperate and the objectifiying other beings and taking advantage of them out of fear or greed. Depression and being overweight are states of excess tamas as heaviness. Tamas is also present in sleep and consistancy, so it is not all negative.

Rajas is excited movement. It is nervous energy, anxiety, scattered or flighty minds. It is like too much caffeine or hyperactivity. It is the inability to sit still, the need to be in constant motion or stimulation. It is chaotic and can be draining because it is unguided. It is abundant, unfocused energy.

Sattva is extreme energy, but where rajas is also extreme energy, rajas is out of balance, and sattva is in balance, focusing that energy into one flow, like a laser. Sattva is considered the higher and lighter state of energy and it is the goal to cultivate an abundance of sattva versus rajas or tamas, according to Vedic philosophy. It is great peace, great love, the ability to accept what is in each moment without fear or resistance.

 The trick is that we can demonize all the other states of being. We can demonize the pain of embarrassment. We can demonize ourselves for learning slowly over many painful experiences, but it doesn't make sense to kill the messenger, to hate the process, the journey. Life IS a journey, your everyday life is your spiritual path. Vacation isn't the only time to be free and accept the flow. Its here and now. In the painful AND blissful experiences of life alike, we are evolving, growing, and becoming free of all the chains we've allowed to bind us.  In every moment we are living our life, choosing how to write our story. And it takes patience, acceptance, and experiences of all kinds to hone the spirit in its interface with the physical.

Without the movement of rajas, we can never transcend tamas. We learn to process the massively intense amount of spiritual energy that is present in each moment, and at first we are distracted and scattered and thrown back and forth between tamas and rajas. Then we learn to ride the ship, to yield and move with the flow in grace, and we touch sattvic states. Eventually, we rarely taste tamas, and we learn faster and faster to cultivate our rajas into sattva. We become balanced and whole again, our essential state, our Self, shines brighter then ever before. We meet our Self.

The recent universal shift in energy was from rajas to sattva I believe, that is how I am experiencing it.. so instead of being bombarded by rajas, we are becoming surronded by sattva.

Our journey is individual, but we all go through it, it is universal as well. Don't hold too tightly to anything, let it all flow through you and your experience, and as it does. Drop the judgement. Drop the false sense of control. Drop all the ideas of saving face, or what your face really is. Who you are is a constantly refreshed river, always new. Open wide and let pain and pleasure, highs and lows teach you, they burn off all that is no longer serving your journey and fll you with fresh love and light. Balance dilligence and receptivity, and you will learn the dance. Let the experience be your guide.

Laura Harrison is the founder of the Natural Yoga Method, and the director of Enlighten Yoga in Amsterdam, NY. She is a yoga instructor, life coach, vegan/raw chef, mom, nature lover, artist, and poet. For more information see EnlightenAmsterdam.com or LauraLovesTheUniverse.com or call her at 518-866-3621.

Pain, the Teacher

Pain, the Teacher

by Laura Harrison

Pain has a way of bringing you right down to your knees,
shredding down your false priorities,
bringing you back to what's real,
everything that ever mattered,
is contained in each moment, right here.

April 2012: Healing and Letting-Go~ Flowing onward...

April 2012: Healing and Letting-Go~ Flowing onward...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."     ~Anais Nin

Part of this path, this human experience, is hurting. We all usually far prefer happiness over pain. However, we can't have one without the other. So what do we do!? How do we deal?


Well, we can't go around it.. it will find us. We can't stick it down somewhere deep inside of us in some sort of a cement-blockaded fallout shelter... because it will rot and corrupt our future happiness and physical health (I have a theory that suppressed emotions are related to cancer). We simply have to open the door and let it in... we have to let it flow over us and around us and through us..

...like cold, cold river water in the mountains, stick your feet right in, feel the shock, feel the invigoration, allow it completely... shock, sting, wanting to run away, numbness, intensity, and somehow, somewhere, the heaviness, the jumble, is relieved, released, and we are somehow sharper, freer, more alive and blissful then ever. And we will see how and why we had to experience what we have, to be who we really are.

Mourning the end of a relationship, be it to death, break-up, or moving far apart, fading away... it is a form of death. It feels like dying, sometimes and at some point we feel as if we don't care if we live or die. Take heart, because this is just part of it. A part of us does die, like dried leaves on a house plant, we shed our old views of how it was supposed to be, who we were, what our relationship was, who the other person was, and we start fresh. A new reality is born. A fresh opportunity to live, to be, to move forward into the unknown without fear- with excitement and joy.

Let go completely of the past views. Let the pain ravage through you, cry, feel, move that energy, and let yourself heal.
 
When it happens that you are experiencing a transformation, a loss, a break-up, and you must heal, let yourself feel it without fear. You are not alone, you are not the only person who has felt this, and you will move forward into a brighter future, as long as you can give yourSelf completely to the present.

<3~ laura