Sunday, December 14, 2014
It is not that transitions are all bad, in fact most are an upgrade of some fashion. The fact still remains, one day you wake up, or in a split second, it's as if you hear the glass shatter, and the hyper-silent aura, as you feel the adrenaline pump and realize that your reality and actual reality were not connected. The integration is part of the transition, and that is the time where your mind and body re-map reality, and try to draw all of the lines in the correct places this time.
Sometimes the transition is into a miraculous reality, sometimes it's an equal-but-different reality, and sometimes, unfortunately, it's a reality that is just not at all what you wanted. Ultimately, whatever transition you go through, you have the ability an opportunity to make peace with it, embrace it, and make the most of it.
As we act and react and interact, we are shaped. We learn, we grow.. We change. We become more conscious. The more conscious we become, the faster we begin to transition from higher vibrational frequency to even higher ones.. And for every shift, there comes a tipping point, and once we cross it, we are simply not the same.
One day we wake up, and we feel sort of strange. Not bad, just different. A bit like we are in a movie. Something has changed, we don't quite fit in, our tastes have changed. And so you have it, you have transitioned.
Some transitions are seemingly minute, change your part, stop swearing quite so much, and okay, you are steadily integrated into the new vibration.
Some transitions are much bigger- like realizing that you no longer want to eat anything that comes from an animal anymore, or that you no longer want to eat cooked food, in my case. It used to feel fine, in fact, I loved it. Slowly it stopped working, it stopped making sense. After a while, it felt like eating sludge, it gave me a hangover.
Some transitions are even bigger still. It is as if we wake up one day, and our personality has taken a strong shift. I have felt this kind of transition coming on for half a year. I lives with other people as it was so difficult to just change, one day, to be so different. It was a subtle self-consciousness within myself that prevented me from making the change faster. It is very challenging when you have a certain way of relating with another being, a pattern, a groove.
The secret to a successful long-term partnership lies in the ability to break the relationship structure down to a fresh slate without damaging the love bond, and starting over every so often. Bonus points if both people can be so present that they clear the slate moment-to-moment and rediscover each other through actions, words, and shared experiences. This keeps love fresh, vibrant, relevant, and allows both parties to keep evolving individually. This also prevents the structure of who one perceives the other to be to harden and disable their ability to grow and change.
So I was in a groove and had a hard time breaking it around those I knew best. I craved time alone. So much of it. In fact, mercifully, the Universe has cleared the slate and minimized my contact with other beings. This, too, is part of the transition: getting lost to yourself and others, until you have fully integrated the new vibration, until you have chewed and swallowed it all, digested it, and let it become your cells. Until then, you will mostly be alone, or among strangers.
This can be a lonely time. I find it sometimes lonely, but familiar, and beautiful. I grew up an only child and spent most of my hours alone, and I still do as an adult. There is a tranquil beauty to it, to simply be yourself, and do what inspiration or necessity asks of you.
I find this time to have a quiet beauty, like watching snow fall at night.
I have this strong image that comes to me, that after cutting my hair super short ten months ago, that this growing out process of the year would be connected to a giant transition. I don't feel like my soul is reflected in short hair, it is a personal thing. I admire the gorgeous ladies who pul off short hair and love it, because it is true to their souls. I am not one of those gals. Last February, I wanted to test that theory, and see if my image of myself was jaded or somehow blocking me from completing a transformation. I quickly realized it was not, and that plan B was for the transition of growing my hair back out to be a deep and powerful one. And so it's been.
With that background, this transition doesn't feel complete until my hair is past my collarbones, on it's way to my heart, it's current destination. A few more months..
I am quieter than I've been in many years. I am a crystal, both super solitary and lovingly social, and a natural partner. I've been this unseen gem for so long that when I have a resonant partner, I share all of the profound things that occur in my daily path. I'm so used to evolving so much faster than those around me that no one stays around too long. I always want to stay connected, I am a natural partner, so I want to keep loving. I don't want to drift too far from my beloved, lose sight and lose him forever, so I give little Marco Polo chirps of my current experience. I realize this was a remnant of fear of being abandoned again.
I will never be a silent person, my ability to share my deepest subtle experiences is also my ability to heal myself and others, but I see myself spending more silent time with my Beloveds. I see myself directing more of my energy into look, touch, and action, rather than words. Writing and teaching excluded, of course.
I can't do my hair the same, I can't dress the same, I am just not the same. I am exactly the same as I always was, actually, but I'm better able to articulate that truth, by seeing, feeling, thinking, moving, acting, speaking, as a clearer description of that vibration.
It is so true, that transitions, spiritual evolution, enlightenment.. They are about subtraction and refocusing. It's not that you are changing, but that your discernment of the existent truth is sharpening. You were always This that you are "becoming", you just had brainwashed ideas, scars, debris, confusion in the way of really feeling it.. And feeling is the seeing.
Transitions come in all forms: transitions in and out of relationships, transitions into parenthood, into adulthood, into a new job, new home, new country or city.. Transitions into a new view of reality, like when you learn that Santa isn't real, or that someone you loved deeply doesn't love you like you truly thought they did.
Everyone has a harder or easier time with certain transitions. I am a natural partner, so my transition into a partnership is fast and easy, I simply open my existence up and let it be transformed with the new reality of being in love and having a partnership. I am bad at goodbyes, so my transition out of relationships is tricky for me. Love ending early or unnaturally never resonates with me, it's like an irrelevant answer to a question; it just doesn't make sense.
Every transition is at best like a tsunami or giant storm: it will come on powerfully, destroy everything, and then the calm comes... You stare into it with awe and shock, pain and excitement, and then you realize the entire matrix of your life was wiped clean. You now create a new way of life, a new version of yourself arises. Some pieces stay dead, some fade in importance, and those that are vibrant and alive, a description of your soul's truth, they arise again, stronger for the clearing.
Work not with what was, but what is. Die to the old version of your dreams, and let love reshape you, let truth redesign your dreams, your inspirations, your tastes.
Many people live and die, their lives end, before they let themselves even attempt this kind of transformation. It is brave work, to die and be born again, to let go of everything you know, and trust that you will reemerge. He risks are great, the gains are greater. And to not embrace this process is to forever stay stuck at the point where you are not yourself and you know it, and it aches. It aches like a quiet hallway filled with the maniacally loud banging of fists in one's own head.. An inner gnawing that starts as an itch and becomes a sick and twisted creature eating itself from the inside. The past, the ego, the smaller box- it is safe and familiar. You will forever remain disjointed and crammed, bending awkwardly more and more as you grow, until you break out of that comfortable, self-imposed prison. It is scary to be free to be anything after being kept so small for so long, it makes you want to run, or find some reason to reject this transition: it must be wrong, look at how awkward it is!?!? Look at how it shows me where I was fooled, it must be wrong... Don't shoot the messenger, or else you'll be Peter Pan, the boy that never grew up, stuck avoiding the life you truly wanted because you underestimate yourself and are afraid to grow up.
Growing up doesn't mean getting stuff.. In fact, the freer I become, the more I am a pure combination of quiet & brilliant conscious discernment of reality, and a joyful loving girl, who savors her senses, every breath, twirls and hops, giggles, yet walks like a ballerina with prayers on her toes.
I can't tell you who you are going to be. I can tell you that you aren't alone, even when you feel that way. I can tell you that there's nothing like freedom and authenticity. And I also can tell you the most important gauge: passion.
If you don't have passion for your life, first look inside for blockages of mind, body, and habit that stop you from being inspired and making love to the miracles right in front of you with your senses. Work ardently on what you find in your way, with patience, love, and tenacity.
Secondly, look to images, activities, words, music, people that inspire you.
The lost days in the middle of your transitions will dull your connection to your inner light, passions, and love, because you are disconnected from it all for a moment, until only the healthy connections reboot. Hold right in those days, don't sever your relationships or burn your brushes until you are clear.
When you are clear again, feet rooted in your new land, slash and burn (with compassion) all that is not your truth and passion. Let it all go, fast, no reason to hesitate. Embrace openly and thoroughly all that is your inspiration and passion, even if you feel yourself growling into it. Trust yourself, even if it's scary, especially if it's a little scary.
May my story reflect your light back to you and help you to weather the transitions with joy instead of misery.
The world needs authenticity, it needs you to stop holding back.
Let it all be stripped from you, let it be pulled out of your guts, and do not be afraid of the emptiness you feel: it is actually freedom from your burdens.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
There isn't an established roadmap or role for this sort of work in our culture.
I guess that I had to blaze my own trail, but that is exactly what qualifies me for this work.
This is not a weekend or vacation lifestyle, but an everyday way of life that is as meaningful as you deserve and are craving...
There still is no map.
It's my life purpose. I was born to meet you and help you on your journey.
One and all.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
Being on a path of consciousness, never think that you are above, or beyond, or past, having to heal or feel anything..
There is much to feel, and even more to heal, and it must be felt in order to be healed.. So the remnants of your ancient wounds are going to rise up slowly over time, to the surface, to be felt.. Scanned, observed, absorbed, processed, and released.. Be it through art or movement or tears or words or all of it.
It will feel like starting over, all over again.. It will feel like dying and coming alive all over again.. It will feel like regressing into pitch black and then exploding into broad brilliant daylight.. Over and over again. You ain't too pure for this work. Pure ain't even pure. Get yourself off of your sanitized pedestal of detachment, and reawaken your sixth sense.. The emotions/sensations of energy.. And FEEL that.. SIT in that intensity, while you go about your day to day chores.. And NOW you are on the path..
This is not for the faint of heart, the lazy, or those who can't be bothered with emotions.. This is emotional work... Becoming conscious. We are dealing with a universal energy field, for goodness sake..
This is work for us all, in order to expand into the highest level of self-expression, of love, of communication, of success and abundance in all ways, individually. We are all in this together, individually, and we are unified in that.
This work will start to call you by tapping it's finger gently on the window of your heart.. Then years later it's banging on the door with fists.. And then, if we haven't engaged our truth head on, well, reality will burn our comfortable prison to the ground. You'll feel your passion, your heart, your truth, writhing within you, begging, scratching, scraping at your insides because it's dying to be free.. YOU are dying to be free and to live a life, not to satisfy anyone else's ideals, but to truly express your soul, here in this world of form.
So the question is.. Have you answered the door?? Are you listening to your passion, to what pulls you with delight and ecstasy, what excites every nerve-ending of your mind and every particle of your soul?? Are you answering the call to step outside of your complacency, and comfort zone, to keep growing, to keep discovering, to stay connected to the pulse of life itself flowing through you??
Well, it's never too late to change your answer.
Go ahead, feel. Feel everything. Let it tear your old self and ideas to shreds. Then, light and free and magnificent, there YOU are.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Faith is believing that no matter how embarrassing my learning has been, that I am brilliant and never was anything less. Even if I've felt the sting of embarrassment more times than I can imagine or express.
Faith is believing, in spite of the ugly patterns I've faced for far too many years, that real love is everywhere and that a partner equal in consciousness and strength exists, and will become part of my life, at any moment. Faith is believing it's not too late, that I'm not being punished, that I never should settle, that every truly happy couple I see inspires me and shows me love is real and possible.
Faith is fighting to believe these things, fighting to be happy, because there is no reason to stay beaten down, ever.
Faith is knowing that these feelings are just old wounds leaving me, and that I'm better and brighter by the day.
No matter how worthless I've ever felt in my youth, no matter how unseen by my own family, my own friends, by lovers, I SEE ME, I know who I am. Not only do I need a man who truly sees me, but who knows that if he passes his chance to be with me, he'll regret it for the rest of his days. I'm not just some fish, some one of many, dime a dozen. How dare you blame your fears on fate and timing?! Letting me go is losing me forever. I will not wait, I will not be spun in circles stagnantly while you slowing decide to grow up. I'm gone. You chose. That's not faith, boys, that's your free will and cross to bear.
I have faith that there is a man that will value me and my heart and my light above his own complacency, fears, and habits. He won't have to compromise who he is; he will be richer, freer, more electrifying and authentic because of the alchemy of our energies. He will have to crack his walls and expand and grow and never stop. Otherwise he cannot keep up with me.
Faith is believing that something good is happening, that all things good are happening; no matter how much you've hurt, been disappointed in the fearful shallowness of the world around you, resonant beings exist. Faith is staying open and letting the universe love you in a million ways through a million beings. Faith is standing your ground and being yourself, no matter who or how many tell you that you aren't right. I know myself better than you do. How well do you know yourself??
Faith is standing steady with a slight smile while your whole world falls down again.. AGAIN... Because you know that this means it's all about to get even better. Have faith.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Your mind is busy. Why is it busy? It's so accustomed to instantly moving that it's a habit to avoid slowing down.. When you let yourself slow down, you feel everything you were avoiding..
What are you avoiding? Are you lonely? Are you healthy? What are you feeling and how does it differ from what you want to feel?
Know that it is YOUR responsibility to create health and happiness within yourself and no one else's.. Having a partner won't fix that. Likewise, if you have a partner, it's STILL your responsibility to make yourself feel right and good.. Take action, make changes.
Pay attention to what you are REALLY feeling.. What is the conversation underneath the conversation? What is felt? What are your true desires and motivations? Can't you start to bring your words into alignment with THAT instead of just speaking on the surface?
Can you take full hold of your actions and reactions and make them into something that you are proud of, something that amazes you?
We can't control others. We can't force sleep, love or true balance for that matter.. But we can set up conducive circumstances, and let ourselves flow into it..
May you flow into love, harmony, and luscious sleep!
Sunday, August 10, 2014
I am a proponent of a vision of adult maturity which allows for playfulness, flexibility, health, creativity, spontaneity, child-like and youthful passions to fill us until the day we die. There's only one rule of this model of mature humanity, and that rule is to have integrity at all times. What does that even mean?
Simply and crassly put, own your shit.
More elaborately and articulately-
No one is perfect. We are all engaging in a work-in-progress called life. We are always uncovering new ways to hear our true motivations and desires, we are always finding new ways to become healthier and happier. We are all dancing this dance of getting away from that which feels sick or wrong and moving into what feels freeing, enlightening, healthier and more passionate. We have multiple layers of motivations and situations that influence our desires and actions in every moment, and we need to be in contact with that. And most of all, we need to own (take full responsibility and claim openly) our truth, no matter how raw, ugly, awkward, vulnerable, beautiful, or inconvenient.
Bottom line, no matter what, all of our motivations boil down to this- we all seek to feel good and happy and to not suffer or hurt. We humans don't always take the direct route, because sometimes it requires taking risks, applying self-control and getting out of our comfort zone, but we do seek happiness and non-suffering nonetheless.
We need to stop fixating merely on goals and pay attention to the process- being alive is a process. Then, we can decide if our motivations are giving us the right information as to what will aid in augmenting our long-term happiness or cause suffering down the road.
We need to be able to say "I'm sorry I was yelling, I was hurting so badly and was trying to get it out, and it had nothing to do with you." Speak the deepest level of truth that you can touch in the moment. Treat every fellow human as an equal, because no matter how rich or poor, ignorant or educated, we all have hearts, hurts and dreams. That is what it is to do your best as a human, and what makes life work out for the best of all involved- when you can take down the walls that block you from feeling connected to yourself and others and let it all flow.
One obstacle many face in this movement to a new integrity is the fact that they don't trust what they feel as real, and they become disconnected- they aren't honest with themselves. If you aren't being honest with yourself as to your feelings about something or someone, if you are idealizing your feelings or forcing them to fit into convenient patterns, you cannot be honest with others. Your every word and action will be out of integrity. Sensitive people will feel that rift between your heart and actions, and the wider the gap, the more off-putting it will feel.
We all have our moments, when we didn't realize our feelings about someone or something. And with or without intentions to cause harm, if we are not in integrity with ourselves, we are like a free-radical, bouncing around and chipping away at the peace of others around us.
The only solution is to start feeling our feelings. The only way to clean up the toxic mess within and to zip up our integrity is to take the plunge to feel everything we have been avoiding. This is not easy work, but then again, the alternative isn't too pretty. If we don't face our truth and do our work within, we set a course for hollow and unsatisfying relationships, self-hatred, cancer, short fuses, passive aggressive behavior, aging poorly, and general to intense dissatisfaction in life.
Once determined to face our true motivations and feelings, we have to feel intensely everything we experience. It is moving through these experiences that allows us to address and healthfully process our current and past circumstances, traumas, and wounds. Step by step we heal these within us, and develop a level of inner peace, ease, comfort and joy that becomes an underlying time of our way of life. We stop silently demonizing ourselves for being human, and learn to love ourselves for our best efforts and unique qualities. Then and only then can we truly love others for who they are, in all their humanness too. That's when we stop looking to everyone outside of us to satisfy and gratify us, we stop seeking wholeness externally, and find it within. Then we can form real friendships, relationships and integrity.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
"I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living." ~Anaïs Nin
I wish that I could love practically,
For the number of respectable men who have loved me is great.
But love cannot be directed in such a way...reason says no word that love hears.
Love cannot be directed,
Attraction not governed.
Either it is there,
Or it is not.
Either it is used to slowly create a vineyard of ancient, lovingly entangled roots,
Or it is allowed to burn out, like a candle in the night.
All too often I fall for the impractical ones,
More wounded than not.
Souls knowing each other several times.
But only momentarily.
A moment that feels like eternity,
Then becomes a faint ghost in the distant past.
Yes, several times I have known this powerful love. Like walking on fire...
But now even that bores me, I grow tired,
Of a love so powerful, but on one end shallow.
Love is not love that is not cherished.
Love is not love that is expendable.
Love ebbs and flows, but is dependable.
If you can throw me away,
If you can grow burdened by my love,
You do not deserve me,
And cannot receive what I am.
You may have known me for a moment,
But you could not withstand the pressure of swimming so deeply inside yourself any longer,
It made you mad with intensity,
You had to surface.
You knew me once in the depths,
But know me no more,
And if your mind endeavors to feel superior
By suggesting that I don't know my own heart entirely,
Or that I mean to say something
Other than what my words convey,
That is your perception,
And not reality.
You may have your illusion.
You do not perceive me any longer.
I cannot place my love logically,
And I am tired of bestowing privileges
On fearful men. It is no longer worth it, to love so hard and be abandoned over and over again so rapidly. That too, is not good enough.
Though I have believed it to be,
I have never known my equal.
I have not known one who could sustain
Such powerful love,
And not need to run back to shallower depths of sensation.
I have not found one,
That truly endeavors to deserve me,
That truly receives me,
Because if I did,
He'd be a damn fool and slightly insane
To ever conceive of releasing me.
Never before was it so clear that there is only one of me,
And if you can ever let me go,
You never deserved all that I am.
It is too deep,
But I will not feign normality,
I will not moderate to make your ego more comfortable.
So if you can't feel every drop of the ocean that I am,
And if it doesn't make every particle of your being love-drunk,
Swaying with the currents,
And if you don't recognize
The merging of our particles as sacred,
A catalyst of every potent and natural in ourselves,
And that you run just as deeply as I do,
Then please do walk away.
Get out of my sight.
Because in all ways and extents
I am done will shallow living,
And will tolerate no more hand-to-mouth love,
No more hand-to-mouth life.
Do not pat me on the head before you go,
I know who I am, your words are silly.
And do savor it if I look at you as you walk away,
Because my love was grace.
When I loved you, it was because I saw you as an equal,
And when you left me,
It was because you couldn't see it the same way. I lifted you up to a height which you were unaccustomed,
And you were frightened.
You couldn't trust in me,
Or in what was coming.
So I cannot any longer abide less than what I deserve in this world,
I will not relinquish myself to endless suffering.
I will not allow myself to be wasted in the shallow depths,
I will live in the depths that are my home, in all ways.
I refuse to settle for shallow roots,
My depth will permeate every aspect of my life.
From the depths I will never return.
So if you, whoever you are, wish to meet me, to know me,
It is you who must learn on your own to dive so deeply,
Fortify your heart & mind,
As to be able to remain in the deepest, mysterious realms of the ocean of life, ocean of Self,
To handle the pressures of reality,
And the immensity of this love
That is me.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Free Will vs. Passive "Fate"~
There are certainly two major forces at work in shaping our lives.. The world inside of ourselves and the world outside of ourselves. They are inextricably interconnected, as everything is, however, it is like cold and warm currents flowing in a body of water~ opposite energies dance to create balance. This world is that dance of yin & yang, female & male, cold & hot, receptive & active.. And so on.
We seem to try to be all or nothing in a world that demands balance of both polarities.. We cannot entirely control our inner and outer world. We likewise are not benefitted by remaining passive or on auto-pilot in our inner and outer dealings.
Often many awakening people put too much emphasis on fate. "If it's meant to be, it will be". I believe in synchronicity wholeheartedly, but I have also seen this to be true~ the present moment is the only moment in which we have control, and if you choose to passively let an opportunity presented pass you by, you officially forfeit any fated connected and potential energy therein contained.
If you pass up the love or friendship you have dreamed of, or that amazing job offer, you have CHOSEN to forfeit it. The universe handed it to you, whether you felt ready or not, it gave you a chance to rapidly grow and expand into your own dreams, and you CHOSE to let it pass you by.
Some chances come back around, or another love will come, but some do not return. Some serve as a harsh lesson to never again neglect to seize the day and opportunities to live fully from your heart, and chances to expand far beyond your fear and past habits instead of paralyzing yourself in the sheer majesty of the potential before you. You choose to allow yourself to be paralyzed. You choose fear. You rationalize your choice of fear. You stay small, stunted and safe, instead of choosing growth, expansion, and magic.
We are best served when we use our receptivity to accept the choices and truths of others and facts of reality in our present experience, but use our active choices, self-control and determination to carve out an inner world, character and lifestyle that doesn't negate our unique inner light, but amplifies it and brings it as potently as possible into this world.
Self-control is abuse if it is used to deny our uniqueness, if it is used in order to diminish or hide our power as to not be seen nor make waves. Self-control is neglect if it allows rumination, self-pity and faulty habits of lifestyle and mind that simply enable us to be stuck, lazy, and resistant to fully living.
Receptivity is abused when we use it to be a lazy and passive participant in our own lives, but is a virtue when used to accept every detail of the world and others and current reality as it truly is, moment to moment.
Use the dance between receptivity and choice/action with awareness, and this is one of your greatest powers to unleash your fullest potential in this world, in all ways. Remember that everything is a choice, even inaction. You must push yourself to be unafraid of your true strength and majesty.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Savor this precious day~
this fleeting season
Cherish those who spark love in your heart~
& soak in this vibration of bliss
Store it in your being
Let it imprint your cells~
remember that everything
Underneath tragedy, loss, destruction, confusion
Is really construction, revelation of the love that is your nature and the nature of all things~
For we think the world devoid of beauty when we suffer,
But it is in fact due to the truth that we love, that we experience pain at all..
So even when you suffer
That it is because you are full of love.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
There are truly only so many root wounds, like archetypal karmas, the major wound(s) we are dealt in our formative years help us to discover our strengths by facing and working out our weaknesses. It provides an opportunity to decide to believe in ourselves, and to make choices about what we are willing to accept in life. It helps us to set boundaries, to see what we truly want in our lives, and to appreciate the people we have that are worth cherishing. Surviving abuse and trauma gives us a matrix through which to develop our sense of self, even if it is often a painful process.For most of us these wounds fall into a few basic types: being alone/unseen/unsupported, being trapped/controlled/smothered, being abused emotionally or physically or tortured, and any combination thereof. I'm sure there are more, but these are the most basic underlying wounds.
For me, my wound is being unseen and unsupported and thus feeling alone.
With the ending of a powerful but short relationship recently, I have come to a place, not just of recognition of this lifelong wound, but being able to touch its face, to truly feel its influence within me, and to glimpse back at the underlying feeling of its presence at each stage of my life so far. I am doing everything in my ability to process it, and let it heal. I think because of its nature, once processed, it will truly heal with the ability to not only continue being happy and satisfied with my own company and by living in integrity with my truth, but in being able to do that while forming deeper connections with others, especially a male figure...
In my life story, I have always deep down loved my own heart. I know my own value and beauty. I know that I am a precious, feminine, strong but sweet soul. I am unique, and never was interested in falling in line, but would rather walk to my own beat and live on my own terms. However, because of being so different, born as an only child into a family that was always emotionally withdrawn into their own internal battles, I was always the little girl on her own.
Even when I had good friends, even with my own family, my moments of true connectedness were fleeting because of the underlying feeling of disconnect.
I developed my individuality more deeply through this feeling of individuality and often aloneness. I know how to spend hours happily without anyone else's company. I can walk into any situation comfortable. I know what I like and what I don't, I love adventure, I am not afraid to try things and stumble.
But what of the disconnect, what does and did it mean and where is it leading??
Although I know my beauty inside and out, and always felt sweet, special, and bright, because I never knew what it was to be truly seen, soul to soul, truly recognized and given FULL attention, I became wildly insecure on the surface. I never fit in, which is very common for creative & authentic beings in a society and school culture that encourages conformity and making waves. Being sensitive to energy, and highly empathetic, without knowing it or what it meant or how it works, also gave me a layer of discomfort to deal with, that I projected onto myself.
Not being seen made me lonely. I never felt complete bonds with people around me, like I saw in other people with their siblings, parents and best friends. I always felt some distance, however unspoken. Besides not being seen, I never had consistent supportive male energy in my life. Never. Absolutely not pat of my life story this time, not yet at least.
Energy comes in yin and yang, female and male wavelengths, and the two together are like perfect compliments, setting each other off in the best of ways. We crave this naturally, and if we don't have healthy connections with both kinds of energy, it really causes us unrest. It doesn't need to be a sexual relationship like we are fooled into thinking: daddy's little girl, momma's little man, siblings, best friends, as well as romantic connections satisfy this need of yin to be balanced by yang.
The root wound is both a gift and a curse: it catalyzes your discovery of you individuality and forces you to grow in order to end you suffering and become free. It also is a sneaky weak-point that will manifest itself in every situation, manipulating your actions and desires; powerfully while it is unconscious, and then with diminishing force as it is revealed and healed gradually.
The relationship I had recently was filled with awakenings and finally, a truly equal and clear feeling of connection with male energy, I felt like I had my perfect compliment in that partnership. Finally experiencing that level of connection, eye to eye, heart to heart, soul to soul, revealed to me just how uneven and out of balance my previous connections were. It brought a lot of more subtle variations of my underlying wound of abandonment and being unseen to the surface, and with his generous outpouring of loving support, I was able to see how these wounds were stuck in my heart and body subtly, and release them.. through tears, through acknowledgment, and through simply being held- supported, fully, where I had never been before.
In fact, right when I came to the point where I wasn't in such a state of extra neediness, when I came to a pretty steady state and was ready to start fresh with a new, more even balance in that beautiful relationship, it as ended. Right when it was about to begin as an equal partnership. Gone.
My best friend, my equal partner, and the only equally conscious & steady male energy I feel I had possibly ever had in my life. Male nor female, I had never felt THAT level of clear connection with another being; loving of each other for even the subtlest details, seeing every particle of each other's soul and consciousness so naturally and celebrating it with such high vibes and feelings of real oneness- the level of connection that I had always longed for and knew existed but never had quite found. I was truly SEEN, and completely this time; a new level of vulnerability and partnership that I had never quite experienced. My soul was ecstatic and it felt natural and right. And now it was gone. The story of my life, so far. NOT the story line I will continue on, but it definitely reflected my root wound AGAIN.
Abandonment. I WAS seen, finally, but no longer. NO male supportive energy in my life.
Its a process working on such a long-term wound.. it takes work in layers, and we can only work as far into it as we can reach at any given time. So as our consciousness expands, so does our ability to heal that ancient wound.. disempower its ability to control our actions and desires..
So with the loss of that special relationship, I have suffered deeply.
I don't question my beauty in all ways, in fact, I LOVE being who I am, I am so comfortable in my own skin, that the vast majority of my time I am blissfully delighted to be able to slink around this world in this petite and feminine form. I LOVE to be me, and furthermore, I truly like spending hours to myself, even alone in a crowd. Happy!! So my suffering didn't come from the rejection itself. I know my worth.
At first it was the preciousness of this individual connection that haunted me. How can we be that rich in love that we can afford to slaughter one of the deepest soul connections imaginable?! I know from experience that when the universe brings such a connection, the one who embraces it and protects and cherishes it, will receive an even deeper one if the other partner decides to throw it away, so I know that I am covered. But this relationship, in many ways, was truly special. Why kill it before it really got off the ground?? When it ended, it was with mutual respect and kindness. All the more precious...
I usually don't take more than a week or two to accept that something is over and get past it, because I know love will find me, and I refuse to accept less than being truly cherished. But this one keeps haunting me, and coming back in waves. Tearing my soul apart. Why?!
What the hell does the universe want with me? I am moving on with my life, working on myself, working to heal and actively let go, generally VERY present, VERY grateful, very open to the adventure in each day, with a very loving heart.
So why is this so rough?? Why does it keep coming back and trying to kill me from the inside?
Last night, when I thought I was past the worst and pretty much done with it all, the pain swelled up into unbearable levels. The tears burst out, the pain devoured me, and I let my heart break open again, to expand beyond the pain, and swallow it. Its like fighting for your life- or your happiness and freedom at least.
And then after some riding, nature time, crying, driving, crying, sitting by the river alone for a gorgeous sunset and firefly-filled dusk, and crying some more and settling, it dawned on me.
I didn't finish my work on my root wound with him, I just started it. This isn't about losing him or our individual connection anymore.
This is my root would begging for healing. Time to dig deeper. Hey, maybe I can go all the way this time...
I have come so far in these 33 years of life.
I have learned that I shine brightly, so I should never suppress that, whether I am alone or in a crowd, whether I am well-received or ignored or even despised, I am glamorous, friendly and full of loving-charm and kindness. I will not tone that down. And even if no man sees how gorgeous I look, how graceful I am, how my hips sway when I walk, I KNOW it, I SEE it, I FEEL it, and it fills me with love, to love BEING, to love being alive. God-consciousness is the fabric of all that is, so if I see it, the Universe sees it, and that is enough.
No one is perfected, and I am a work in progress, however, I have the ownership of my uniqueness pretty well down. I have the comfort I my skin, I have the ability to be alone and not lonely. But we are not here JUST to perfect individuality, but equally to realize oneness through resonant connections, sacred partnerships, and real service to each other, one heart to another.
I have a really beautiful and sacred bond with my young son, and part of my healing is to have an open and deep relationship with him. That is major blessing in my life, something so precious that I cannot even put it into words.
I spent the first 33 years of my life feeling only partial connections with others, and only fleeting moments of pure soul to soul connection with egos in the way.
I have now found many female mirrors of consciousness, where we can really have profound moments of love-consciousness loving itself through two forms. My students and I will reflect love-consciousness at each other too, in some really beautiful moments. But on a truly personal and enduring level, I have precious female luminaries that come in and out of my life like fireflies, but no consistent deeply resonant male energy. It seems to be the missing part, the part of the wound that hasn't healed. I can find female connections, but as for that deeper, balancing interplay between male and female energy, THAT is hard to find, and when it comes, they haven't been able to hold a place in my life, they seem to need to run away from the intensity of the light formed in the powerful alchemy of male and female merging in a truly sacred way.
I think that the next stage of my life is all about taking that unadulterated individuality of mine, and exploring relationships of all sorts. Without compromising my worth or truth, how can I create soul-deep bonds.. and especially with male energy.
I am a simple person and an empath, so don't get me wrong, I need my alone time and plenty of it to remain balanced and healthy. If I spend time with people I know too much, I get drained. Or too much time in crowds of strangers.. I also need that vibe of oneness, I need to feel my individuality in the crowd of the whole, and I am nourished by the potential energy of connection in the crowds. I keep most people at arms length in my daily life so that I have a sanctuary to retreat into to recharge and move, breathe and live on 100% my own terms.
I have a deep pull, perhaps to heal my root wound, and to fulfill my life path in this lifetime, to eventually find that male counterpart... and though it takes openness and work, create a relationship together that gives us the support and freedom to be purely individual and at the same time feel completely loved, cherished, and connected to another, and thus the whole.
I cannot force this into being and it is a choice made by both individuals. Even when married, it is a choice made in the daily- choosing to uphold the love and defend it from the bad habits of the mind in stress, defend it from deterioration by choosing to reconnect and fall in love over and over again, choosing to remain vulnerable to each and to open more fully into that over and over again, instead of closing, which is easier, but emptier and choosing to love each other every step of each other's individual discovery, which means getting each other's backs in good times and bad, and sometimes having to watch each other suffer and be able to do nothing about it but be there with love.
It'll come when it shall, and I am all for it when it finally does.
But what I have learned from coming this far into healing my root wound of being unseen and alone and unsupported by male energy is this~
-I don't care how good it feels to have that male energy in my life, I will not settle for less than an equal and incredibly profound, soul deep connection, and if he cannot be an equal partner in all ways, its gotta go. I REFUSE to ever waste my time trying to open someone's eyes to my goodness and the depth of our connection. If he can throw it away, he doesn't deserve it. End of story. My love is NOT a burden and I will not waste it on a man who acts like it is. Never again.
-I'd rather be alone or despised from a distance for opening my arms and spinning and giggling in the park all by myself than surrounded by false friends or people that I don't resonate with. Quality over quantity. Always and forever. I will be me and be tight in my integrity, no matter what.
-Until resonant and complimentary male energy comes along, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. I will play, I will be glamorous, I will go to shows, I will dance. Once that complimentary male energy comes, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. But I will slowly let myself make a bond, IF he shows himself to truly be my equal, including in his openness to true love and partnership. I will be me, and I will let myself become vulnerable slowly and I will let myself be supported when I need it, but I will let him show me and prove to me that he is my equal.. not just for a few weeks or few months.. I will believe it when I see it, and actions speak louder than words. Falling in love is not enough, I need a partner whose choices and actions with uphold that love, defend it in all ways, and embrace it without fear or trepidation. I will not give him the credit of being my equal until I see it for myself and see it truly maintained for a bit of time. No more handing out status based on the connection itself or the love itself- are you man enough to cherish and openly own our love and relationship? Are you man enough to hold this love sacred within your heart, mind and life? Okay then! ...and if you are willing to give me up, and are okay with losing me, I am not okay with you, because this is not what I was looking for. I am not looking for a lesson, a transient partner, something temporary or fleeting; I am not looking for a client to heal, and I am not looking for training wheels. I am looking for my equal; someone that knows how to love and knows that the grass doesn't get greener than me, and our love- one who knows how to savor life and live fully, because life and love are what we make of them.
-Relationship is sacred and part of my spiritual practice as an individual, not separate at all. Oneness and individuality are a fluid interconnected part of the fabric of who we are and all that is.
-I will not motivate myself out of loneliness or shameless desire for (male)attention. Only my own desire for balance and inner rightness/intuition shall guide me. If I draw eyes because I am bright and amazing, so be it. But even if I don't, I'm still going to shine. No holding back, no pandering for attention.
So in the meantime... no, there is no meantime.. its my life.
I will cherish those that TRULY SEE my soul, even for a moment here and there, and I will continue to be a seer and celebrator of the souls of others. I will form real connections where they exist.
And if I am not seen by others, I am seen by my Self, and thus the Universe, and that is enough. If I have no male support in my life, which is the aspect that is REALLY missing, I will not settle.. The yin will find its perfect yang in due time. I shall keep believing. Its more than possible, its on its way.
I will never settle.
I am beautiful, seen or unseen, and I will never doubt that again. It's time to make that a solid state of being and way of life, for good.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
"Breathing the air in this moment is one of the freshest, most vibrant and delightful sensations I've ever experienced.. "
~fully present, completely alive~
~the emotions are generated within you.. YOU are the source of the love..~
TRANSFORMATION IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE... If you put all of your attention into your senses and out of your thinking mind, yes, you'll find out how out of whack you are.. But once you learn how to stay balanced, it is pure in adulterated bliss to be alive, the vast majority of the time. It is a ecstasy in your senses. It is adventure, it is magic. It is pure passionate delight to be the observing consciousness experiencing this world from within your own body.
Practicing present moment awareness & yoga have a powerful effect upon the quality of your life.. It takes years to make huge shifts, but it's priceless, and brings greater freedom in tiny increments every step of the way.
If I can be this ecstatic completely alone in any given moment, anywhere, and if I can be this blissfully at home within my own skin, then you can transform your life into a personally authentic one and find really happiness within yourself. How far I've come from being an eating-disordered, self-conscious, self-depreciating anxious bitchy wreck to a joyful, confident, comfortable, adventurous, accepting, peaceful and pleasant person proves that anything is possible if you are willing to face your reality, prioritize truth, and work for happiness.
TRANSFORMATION IS MORE THAN POSSIBLE, IF YOU MAKE PERSISTENT EFFORT, IT IS GUARANTEED.
Bottomline, it is about perception... When we are stuck in our ego/untrained left brain, we see everything as a threat to our worthiness, an assault to our peace, an affront to our rights.. But that part of us thrives on being riled, on being insulted, on being sad or mad; because that part of us uses the intensity of emotion to prove to itself that it is alive or worthwhile.
We slowly can break that addiction to drama and disappointment, by practicing yoga/meditation and seeing that we are worthwhile because we are who we are.. We can redirect the energy that is tragedy-loving and teach ourselves to see the beauty of our own heart even when we are not in disaster mode.
We can teach ourselves to accept the highs and lows, the mellow in betweens, and the desired and undesired experiences of reality, because they are the truth.
And after accepting reality because it is fact, we can empower ourselves to live a life of authenticity.. If you don't feel good about who you are, then you need to explore who you are, unfold and honor your unique passions and talents, and put your every thought and action into alignment with your true heart. If you admire a quality in another it would dare be jealous of it, it is almost certainly a dormant piece of yourself that you simply haven't allowed yourself to fulfill yet. You are as amazing as your mind can imagine.. If you can stop limiting yourself by your old habits and past experiences.
Finally, derive your energy and information primarily from the sensations and emotions generated by each present moment. Like an artist drawing from observation, your experience of reality becomes distorted in direct proportion to how long it's been since you've really stopped and checked in with the present moment. The more often you shift your view to touch the current experience in your body, senses and heart, the more accurate your experience of reality will be.
All of these factors and practices will help you to reduce your suffering and increase your peace, satisfaction, and happiness in every day of your life.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Unless one uses it as an excuse to avoid blossoming
We cannot take another's load
No matter how hard we try
Because if we do
We are causing them to die
If we do we are to deny
Them their opportunity
And to become fully
And if we
Try to enable them to remain in the cocoon
We take their suffering on as our own
And feel noble
In our voluntary misery
For it is a convenient way for us to avoid our own opportunities
To achieve that freedom
We covet and theorize upon
But to walk it is another thing entirely
Ever so frightening
Sort of like walking naked on the street
The Ultimate vulnerability
And Test of inner security
And it is much easier to hide in our room and brood
About the burden our friends and family face
And will not grow into
Isn't it so true?
I need to get better at feeling everything
I need to force myself to not stop seeing
That I'm just as beautiful as I ever dreamed
If everything feel is a prayer of desire
I need to push myself to aim a little higher
I need to remember that my brain is often a liar
I need to remind myself to breathe & just watch it transpire
If your whole life is a movie
You ought to know
That no one is editing
And sometimes the going is slow
You have to sit in that space of intensity
And it isn't just a cut scene but a month or three
Otherwise keep your chin held high and smile steady
Because you are the author of your own autobiography
You can't manifest anything if you never leave home
If you're always alone
But trust your heart and do what you will
And you have to learn how to play with the factors of acceptance and free-will
I don't know why I came~
I didn't come to hide
The water have washed away
Where we used to lay
And I actually think it's better that way
Don't know what drove me here~
It felt like anger, maybe was fear
It came to mind and wouldn't disappear
the fireflies are out and you're forever gone
Thought we'd be together longer
And I didn't think letting go would take this long
I don't even think it's you I miss
Or the time together that doesn't make sense
'Cause when I look back it didn't last that long
When I look back it didn't take you long
To go from saying I'm the brightest thing in your world to telling me you don't love me anymore and that we were wrong
My head is on board,
I don't want brittle love like that
And I'm just mourning what I thought I had
You made me believe
What we had was real
And that it meant to you as much as it meant to me
And now I see that I couldn't be more wrong
So I say let it go, and bring the real love along
The river covers where we used to lay
Where you struggled again and again to throw me away
And no matter what you say you mean
You did what you did and that says everything
The river is high
And the breeze whispers in the leaves
I wish I had as easy a time forgetting you as you did me
Because I don't want half-love ever again
I'm tired of only starting,
and over and over again
I'm tired of men
who play with love but are too lazy to be free
I'm just mourning the fact that you made me think that you wanted to be with me
These fireflies are my friends and she's my willow tree
They're helping me mourn that I thought you wanted to be with me
I don't want a lie
I'm not here to hide
I'm here to let go
I'm here to grow
This isn't about you,
This is about me
I love this place
Under the willow tree
I'm just mourning
To make room
For love to find me
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
White Dove Yoga Therapy~ I have new techniques for dealing with trauma. We have all grown up in a world with a lot of harsh, third density energy. We all have experienced traumatic situations, and most of us carry wounds within us from these experiences.
These wounds prevent us from living fully, from loving ourselves, from being able to give and receive the love we desire in our lives, from being able to be completely happy and authentic and being able to move out of looping patterns of stunted growth or self-destruction.
Trauma, by my definition, is an experience that was a complete shock to our mental, emotional and physical being, that suddenly and violently shattered our comfort, well-being and peace within. It's descent upon us is so abrupt and it's nature is so painful, that if not healed properly, anytime we encounter another experience that for even one moment is reminiscent of the original trauma, our body relives the entire experience as if it were happening again. (PTSD as they call it).
Our soul/consciousness is always on board with what we are experiencing in real time. Our emotions respond and process the experience next, then the mind grips it, acknowledges it and makes sense of it or at least accepts that it was/is reality, and the body is the last to process the trauma.
The energy moves from the most subtle to the most dense layer of our being. Most people only go so far as to heal the wounds emotionally and mentally, but because they haven't released somatically, the remnants are still in the body and triggered over and over again.. (PTSD), and when triggered in the body, the mental and emotional responses are triggered, because the entire trauma process is triggered again.
Trauma can come from any sort of shocking painful experience. Obviously, participating in and witnessing the graphic human suffering of war, death, and any form of physical violence is a form of trauma, but we don't realize that emotional abuse also is a major trauma. Loss of a loved one to death, or loss of a powerful relationship, are also sources of trauma. Anything that creates a trauma response and cycle within, is trauma. You can't judge your traumas, because merely by the fact that you have a trauma response it is proven to exist.
My recent developments in yoga therapy are profound responses to finally being able to heal physical remnants within myself of traumas long-since healed at every other level. I also applied the new yoga therapy to a brand new trauma with amazing results. A combination of weekly group class practice, private yoga therapy, and home application of the yoga therapy techniques will eventually cure your PTSD or prevent PTSD from setting in by efficiently healing the wound. You can and will heal the wounds within you. Stop owning them as part of your identity and see them as history. Something you can be free from, like a cold or flu. Give them no more power than they need to have.
You can be free! You can live fully!!
I am honored and ready to help! For more info, please reach out! <3