Healing My Root Wound~ The Unseen Little Girl

The root wound is the initial and underlying wound in this current lifetime that provides a major impetus to seek growth, evolution and eventually, to discover one's life purpose. This wound tends to be the underlying wound aggravated by all other wounds, the place one is offended or riled up.  It can subconsciously drive and alter one's actions until it is discovered, acknowledged, excavated, processed, and finally healed.

There are truly only so many root wounds, like archetypal karmas, the major wound(s) we are dealt in our formative years help us to discover our strengths by facing and working out our weaknesses. It provides an opportunity to decide to believe in ourselves, and to make choices about what we are willing to accept in life. It helps us to set boundaries, to see what we truly want in our lives, and to appreciate the people we have that are worth cherishing. Surviving abuse and trauma gives us a matrix through which to develop our sense of self, even if it is often a painful process.

For most of us these wounds fall into a few basic types: being alone/unseen/unsupported, being trapped/controlled/smothered, being abused emotionally or physically or tortured, and any combination thereof. I'm sure there are more, but these are the most basic underlying wounds.

For me, my wound is being unseen and unsupported and thus feeling alone.

With the ending of a powerful but short relationship recently, I have come to a place, not just of recognition of this lifelong wound, but being able to touch its face, to truly feel its influence within me, and to glimpse back at the underlying feeling of its presence at each stage of my life so far. I am doing everything in my ability to process it, and let it heal. I think because of its nature, once processed, it will truly heal with the ability to not only continue being happy and satisfied with my own company and by living in integrity with my truth, but in being able to do that while forming deeper connections with others, especially a male figure...

~

In my life story, I have always deep down loved my own heart. I know my own value and beauty. I know that I am a precious, feminine, strong but sweet soul. I am unique, and never was interested in falling in line, but would rather walk to my own beat and live on my own terms. However, because of being so different, born as an only child into a family that was always emotionally withdrawn into their own internal battles, I was always the little girl on her own.

Even when I had good friends, even with my own family, my moments of true connectedness were fleeting because of the underlying feeling of disconnect.

I developed my individuality more deeply through this feeling of individuality and often aloneness. I know how to spend hours happily without anyone else's company. I can walk into any situation comfortable. I know what I like and what I don't, I love adventure, I am not afraid to try things and stumble.

But what of the disconnect, what does and did it mean and where is it leading??

Although I know my beauty inside and out, and always felt sweet, special, and bright, because I never knew what it was to be truly seen, soul to soul, truly recognized and given FULL attention, I became wildly insecure on the surface. I never fit in, which is very common for creative & authentic beings in a society and school culture that encourages conformity and making waves. Being sensitive to energy, and highly empathetic, without knowing it or what it meant or how it works, also gave me a layer of discomfort to deal with, that I projected onto myself.

Not being seen made me lonely. I never felt complete bonds with people around me, like I saw in other people with their siblings, parents and best friends. I always felt some distance, however unspoken. Besides not being seen, I never had consistent supportive male energy in my life. Never. Absolutely not pat of my life story this time, not yet at least.

Energy comes in yin and yang, female and male wavelengths, and the two together are like perfect compliments, setting each other off in the best of ways. We crave this naturally, and if we don't have healthy connections with both kinds of energy, it really causes us unrest. It doesn't need to be a sexual relationship like we are fooled into thinking: daddy's little girl, momma's little man, siblings, best friends, as well as romantic connections satisfy this need of yin to be balanced by yang.

The root wound is both a gift and a curse: it catalyzes your discovery of you individuality and forces you to grow in order to end you suffering and become free. It also is a sneaky weak-point that will manifest itself in every situation, manipulating your actions and desires; powerfully while it is unconscious, and then with diminishing force as it is revealed and healed gradually.

The relationship I had recently was filled with awakenings and finally, a truly equal and clear feeling of connection with male energy, I felt like I had my perfect compliment in that partnership. Finally experiencing that level of connection, eye to eye, heart to heart, soul to soul, revealed to me just how uneven and out of balance my previous connections were. It brought a lot of more subtle variations of my underlying wound of abandonment and being unseen to the surface, and with his generous outpouring of loving support, I was able to see how these wounds were stuck in my heart and body subtly, and release them.. through tears, through acknowledgment, and through simply being held- supported, fully, where I had never been before.

In fact, right when I came to the point where I wasn't in such a state of extra neediness, when I came to a pretty steady state and was ready to start fresh with a new, more even balance in that beautiful relationship, it as ended. Right when it was about to begin as an equal partnership. Gone.

My best friend, my equal partner, and the only equally conscious & steady male energy I feel I had possibly ever had in my life. Male nor female, I had never felt THAT level of clear connection with another being; loving of each other for even the subtlest details, seeing every particle of each other's soul and consciousness so naturally and celebrating it with such high vibes and feelings of real oneness- the level of connection that I had always longed for and knew existed but never had quite found. I was truly SEEN, and completely this time; a new level of vulnerability and partnership that I had never quite experienced. My soul was ecstatic and it felt natural and right. And  now it was gone. The story of my life, so far. NOT the story line I will continue on, but it definitely reflected my root wound AGAIN.

Abandonment. I WAS seen, finally, but no longer. NO male supportive energy in my life.


Its a process working on such a long-term wound.. it takes work in layers, and we can only work as far into it as we can reach at any given time. So as our consciousness expands, so does our ability to heal that ancient wound.. disempower its ability to control our actions and desires..

So with the loss of that special relationship, I have suffered deeply.

I don't question my beauty in all ways, in fact, I LOVE being who I am, I am so comfortable in my own skin, that the vast majority of my time I am blissfully delighted to be able to slink around this world in this petite and feminine form. I LOVE to be me, and furthermore, I truly like spending hours to myself, even alone in a crowd. Happy!! So my suffering didn't come from the rejection itself. I know my worth.

At first it was the preciousness of this individual connection that haunted me. How can we be that rich in love that we can afford to slaughter one of the deepest soul connections imaginable?! I know from experience that when the universe brings such a connection, the one who embraces it and protects and cherishes it, will receive an even deeper one if the other partner decides to throw it away, so I know that I am covered. But this relationship, in many ways, was truly special. Why kill it before it really got off the ground?? When it ended, it was with mutual respect and kindness. All the more precious...

I usually don't take more than a week or two to accept that something is over and get past it, because I know love will find me, and I refuse to accept less than being truly cherished. But this one keeps haunting me, and coming back in waves. Tearing my soul apart. Why?!

Good question.

What the hell does the universe want with me? I am moving on with my life, working on myself, working to heal and actively let go, generally VERY present, VERY grateful, very open to the adventure in each day, with a very loving heart.

So why is this so rough?? Why does it keep coming back and trying to kill me from the inside?

Last night, when I thought I was past the worst and pretty much done with it all, the pain swelled up into unbearable levels. The tears burst out, the pain devoured me, and I let my heart break open again, to expand beyond the pain, and swallow it. Its like fighting for your life- or your happiness and freedom at least.

And then after some riding, nature time, crying, driving, crying, sitting by the river alone for a gorgeous sunset and firefly-filled dusk, and crying some more and settling, it dawned on me.

I didn't finish my work on my root wound with him, I just started it. This isn't about losing him or our individual connection anymore.

This is my root would begging for healing. Time to dig deeper. Hey, maybe I can go all the way this time...

I have come so far in these 33 years of life.

I have learned that I shine brightly, so I should never suppress that, whether I am alone or in a crowd, whether I am well-received or ignored or even despised, I am glamorous, friendly and full of loving-charm and kindness. I will not tone that down. And even if no man sees how gorgeous I look, how graceful I am, how my hips sway when I walk, I KNOW it, I SEE it, I FEEL it, and it fills me with love, to love BEING, to love being alive. God-consciousness is the fabric of all that is, so if I see it, the Universe sees it, and that is enough.


No one is perfected, and I am a work in progress, however, I have the ownership of my uniqueness pretty well down. I have the comfort I my skin, I have the ability to be alone and not lonely. But we are not here JUST to perfect individuality, but equally to realize oneness through resonant connections, sacred partnerships, and real service to each other, one heart to another.

I have a really beautiful and sacred bond with my young son, and part of my healing is to have an open and deep relationship with him. That is major blessing in my life, something so precious that I cannot even put it into words.

I spent the first 33 years of my life feeling only partial connections with others, and only fleeting moments of pure soul to soul connection with egos in the way.

I have now found many female mirrors of consciousness, where we can really have profound moments of love-consciousness loving itself through two forms. My students and I will reflect love-consciousness at each other too, in some really beautiful moments. But on a truly personal and enduring level, I have precious female luminaries that come in and out of my life like fireflies, but no consistent deeply resonant male energy. It seems to be the missing part, the part of the wound that hasn't healed. I can find female connections, but as for that deeper, balancing interplay between male and female energy, THAT is hard to find, and when it comes, they haven't been able to hold a place in my life, they seem to need to run away from the intensity of the light formed in the powerful alchemy of male and female merging in a truly sacred way.   

~

I think that the next stage of my life is all about taking that unadulterated individuality of mine, and exploring relationships of all sorts. Without compromising my worth or truth, how can I create soul-deep bonds.. and especially with male energy.

I am a simple person and an empath, so don't get me wrong, I need my alone time and plenty of it to remain balanced and healthy. If I spend time with people I know too much, I get drained. Or too much time in crowds of strangers.. I also need that vibe of oneness, I need to feel my individuality in the crowd of the whole, and I am nourished by the potential energy of connection in the crowds. I keep most people at arms length in my daily life so that I have a sanctuary to retreat into to recharge and move, breathe and live on 100% my own terms.  

I have a deep pull, perhaps to heal my root wound, and to fulfill my life path in this lifetime, to eventually find that male counterpart... and though it takes openness and work, create a relationship together that gives us the support and freedom to be purely individual and at the same time feel completely loved, cherished, and connected to another, and thus the whole.

I cannot force this into being and it is a choice made by both individuals. Even when married, it is a choice made in the daily- choosing to uphold the love and defend it from the bad habits of the mind in stress, defend it from deterioration by choosing to reconnect and fall in love over and over again, choosing to remain vulnerable to each and to open more fully into that over and over again, instead of closing, which is easier, but emptier and choosing to love each other every step of each other's individual discovery, which means getting each other's backs in good times and bad, and sometimes having to watch each other suffer and be able to do nothing about it but be there with love.

It'll come when it shall, and I am all for it when it finally does.

But what I have learned from coming this far into healing my root wound of being unseen and alone and unsupported by male energy is this~

-I don't care how good it feels to have that male energy in my life, I will not settle for less than an equal and incredibly profound, soul deep connection, and if he cannot be an equal partner in all ways, its gotta go. I REFUSE to ever waste my time trying to open someone's eyes to my goodness and the depth of our connection. If he can throw it away, he doesn't deserve it. End of story. My love is NOT a burden and I will not waste it on a man who acts like it is. Never again.

-I'd rather be alone or despised from a distance for opening my arms and spinning and giggling in the park all by myself than surrounded by false friends or people that I don't resonate with. Quality over quantity. Always and forever. I will be me and be tight in my integrity, no matter what.

-Until resonant and complimentary male energy comes along, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. I will play, I will be glamorous, I will go to shows, I will dance. Once that complimentary male energy comes, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. But I will slowly let myself make a bond, IF he shows himself to truly be my equal, including in his openness to true love and partnership. I will be me, and I will let myself become vulnerable slowly and I will let myself be supported when I need it, but I will let him show me and prove to me that he is my equal.. not just for a few weeks or few months.. I will believe it when I see it, and actions speak louder than words. Falling in love is not enough, I need a partner whose choices and actions with uphold that love, defend it in all ways, and embrace it without fear or trepidation. I will not give him the credit of being my equal until I see it for myself and see it truly maintained for a bit of time. No more handing out status based on the connection itself or the love itself- are you man enough to cherish and openly own our love and relationship? Are you man enough to hold this love sacred within your heart, mind and life?  Okay then!  ...and if you are willing to give me up, and are okay with losing me, I am not okay with you, because this is not what I was looking for. I am not looking for a lesson, a transient partner, something temporary or fleeting; I am not looking for a client to heal, and I am not looking for training wheels. I am looking for my equal; someone that knows how to love and knows that the grass doesn't get greener than me, and our love- one who knows how to savor life and live fully, because life and love are what we make of them.  

-Relationship is sacred and part of my spiritual practice as an individual, not separate at all. Oneness and individuality are a fluid interconnected part of the fabric of who we are and all that is.

-I will not motivate myself out of loneliness or shameless desire for (male)attention. Only my own desire for balance and inner rightness/intuition shall guide me. If I draw eyes because I am bright and amazing, so be it. But even if I don't, I'm still going to shine. No holding back, no pandering for attention.



So in the meantime... no, there is no meantime.. its my life.

I will cherish those that TRULY SEE my soul, even for a moment here and there, and I will continue to be a seer and celebrator of the souls of others. I will form real connections where they exist.

And if I am not seen by others, I am seen by my Self, and thus the Universe, and that is enough. If I have no male support in my life, which is the aspect that is REALLY missing, I will not settle.. The yin will find its perfect yang in due time. I shall keep believing. Its more than possible, its on its way.

I will never settle.

I am beautiful, seen or unseen, and I will never doubt that again. It's time to make that a solid state of being and way of life, for good.  

Tiny Person

Tiny person,
I love so much,
You move me to tears..

The way your tiny lips curl when you speak so intently and articulately,

Of building machines and trapping the cats and birthing teams of siblings..

Our particles, once joined, are never unaware of each other's presence,

And when your focus scatters in overstimulation and exhaustion, mine too shatters if I do not reach inside with all the strength I have and more..
And hold on..

You destroyed walls and initiated me into the boundless love of this entire universe..

I was never in the state of true love until you exploded my mortal heart and gave birth to the immortal soul of me,

And I can consciously teach you what you unknowingly did to me.

Not only do you heal me with your natural unbridled curiosity and perfection..

But as you reflect my unsavory habits back to me, you force me to face my weaknesses and ascend to greater authenticity and truth.

Sometimes I cry because our time goes so fast and I love you like I know how to breathe, and loving you sets me free.

You are my teacher as much as I am yours,

And I have always loved you,
I knew I must give birth to you,
And I knew you were with me from moment one,
I never was unaware of your powerful spirit within me.

My life would not be complete without you,
And though this isn't our first lifetime together,
100 more lifetimes together couldn't be enough to satisfy or douse the fire of my love for you.

You are in my heart in every moment.
Your smile lights the sky,
I cannot breathe until you have drawn a breath.
My heart will always ache for you,
I never enjoy when you must cry,
But I will hold you, and cry with you.

I will show you everything I have learned about being a limitless soul in a finite body,
How to revel in the delight of having senses,
How to love without fear,
How to mourn,
How to stay strong,
And the ways to balance form and freedom.

I will give you the keys to this realm,
Because you are the key to my heart,
And I worship the sacredness of your soul,
Tiny person,
Tiny blessed being,

My heart breaks every time we part,
And I will teach you how longing nourishes love too.
I cannot keep you from hurting, so instead I will show you everything and not divert you from truth with fantasy.

I will show you that the fabric of it all is truly love and curiosity.

You, tiny person, are a miracle.
I bow to you, great soul.
And all of my love surrounds you like the sky surrounds the earth but does not trap her or bind her in any way. You are everything, and just one precious diamond at once.

~ for Finn.

Contemplation of Perfection

See past your obstacles and current reality to the ultimate reality... Train your eyes to bow to your heart.

Know that you are the love and kindness you give to others, you are the beauty and strength you see in others as well.. Do not make space for jealousy~ jealously means that you have found a reflection of a piece of your soul that you have not yet allowed yourself to express or experience.

Love is abundant, but you will not feel this until you can stop hating yourself for being human.

Hold no space for excuse making, take full responsibility for your health and happiness every day, do not pass the buck to others.. Not even your family, your friends, your doctors or your government. At the same time, be patient.. Know that transformation is a process and that trial-and-error learning is our forte as humans.

Perfect yourself to live in dynamic alignment with your passions, joys, things that set you free, bring you health and a sense of inner peace/rightness.. But discard repeatedly the false concept of a sort of perfection that doesn't contain quirks, stumblings, or changes. That perfection is non-existent and it's pursuit will destroy your possibilities for happiness and wellness, as well as undermine your discovery and expression of your individual life purpose and light. 

You are never supposed to be anything other than your most raw and deepest sense of truth indicates. Ever. Please stop being afraid to be so amazing and powerful and instead make the most of your gifts and light. 

Finally Seen

Old lady moon, won't you lend me your ear??

I'm dying,
I'm dying!
My old life's disappeared-


And I'll tell you the truth, I carry no fear...

I'm floating,
I'm floating.
Become atmosphere.

I spent my life knowing that I was just a star on ground,

I'm shining,
I'm shining.
But no one's around.

If nobody watches and you never feel found,

I'm beautiful,
beautiful!?
Does it still make a sound??


Now old lady moon, I never grew numb...

I'm vibrant,
I'm vibrant.
Refuse to succumb.


I danced and I flitted, and stayed true to me,

I'm happy,
I'm happy,
And totally free.

But sometimes is cry in my pillow at night,

I'm longing,
I'm longing,
To share this sweet light.

I'm seen from the outside and pieces are known,

I'm intricate,
Intricate.
Deeper than shown.


I'm a quiet kind of beauty not readily seen,

The unconscious,
Unconscious
Can't appreciate me.


I'm not living a life from the physical side,

I'm starlight,
Just starlight
On a physical ride.

I love my own magic and make my sun,

Independent,
Independent.
Life is my fun.

But old mother moon, I know that's it's natural to be paired,

Happiness,
Happiness.
Is More complete when it's shared.


But I couldn't dispense with myself to
Less worthy man,

Can't settle,
Won't settle,
For less than I am.

An equal of mine must be an extraordinary sight,

A diamond,
A diamond,
Radiates his own light.

And such an exceptional one must be rare to sure,

Brilliant
Sheer genius
& A heart that is pure.

----

Now grandmother moon I thought it'd take years,
But I felt him coming and pushed past my fears,
I purified my energy and cried many tears,
And all of a sudden it seems he's appeared.

----

So now grandmother moon you've revealed him to me,

Poetry,
Poetry,
Grateful eternally.

I began a new life and now he is here,

I've died to
Died to it
All's disappeared


Finally the life that I have is the one I create

I'm blooming
I'm flying
And no longer wait.
....


My life is my own and based on my soul

I'm honest
I'm honest
Refused to fit into the mold

And..

My intricate radiance isn't wasted on he

I'm treasured
I'm treasured
And finally seen

Stress, Stretching Your Limits, and Transcendence..

The only way to become stronger when you workout is to extend just past your natural, comfortable limits. Well, that truth extends in every direction of life, tangible and intangible alike.

I tell my students regularly that when they practice, they should come to the point of comfort, then let themselves go beyond that, to the realm where it takes work to still breathe rhythmically and keep their facial muscles relaxed. We get to the edge of the comfort zone, and then where we would typically stop, we hover... And breathe.. And burn.. And let the intensity course through our veins and mind. This process is both purifying in our denial of limitation, our bold facing and enveloping of the sensations we may typically run away from, and in the growth it produces. We force ourselves to stretch our awareness to encompass more pieces of information in each split moment, instead of the brain's default maneuver: truncating anything remotely familiar and flattening it to a 2-dimensional version of itself.

This doesn't just happen on the yoga mat, or in the gym, but in our daily lives as well. At least, we are invited into this process, whether we embrace it or not is our choice. We tend to think of stress as something other than life; something we can escape one day, something not present in heaven or nirvana. Stress is ever present though, stress is a major guru in life- the heat and pressure giving us an opportunity and the energy to turn the coal of our untrained mind into the diamond of pure loving awareness and authenticity of spirit.

STRESS AND CHALLENGES ARE NOT OTHER THAN LIFE, SO DON'T KEEP WAITING FOR THEM TO DISAPPEAR BEFORE YOU START LIVING AUTHENTICALLY OR MORE FULLY!! Instead, use stress for what it provides- a potent opportunity for purification and growth. Anyone can be perfectly loving and peaceful on vacation, with zero responsibilities, no time constraints, but it takes an advanced soul to begin to generate love and peace right in the hot mess that is child-rearing, career, time schedules and limitations of time and space. THIS is our opportunity and challenge. THIS is life: life is love... And life is mining for the diamond of love inside yourself and letting its light guide you, not around or avoiding the dark and dangerous areas of life experience, but going right through them, feeling them, aching, hurting, falling, embarrassing yourself, stinging at the mistakes, and this letting that memory of pain motivate you to hold stronger to the truth of your heart in every single situation.

THAT is real life. Those moments where you are completely free from stress are blissful... Pure bliss, and you earn them by learning to dance with stress and welcome it as the training grounds. Eventually, you can handle an astonishing amount of stress without any ill effects, just a great deal of growth. It requires the development of intense self care as well: knowing when to rest, relax, hide, only to recharge and run right back into the ring.

Life is beautiful, amazing, pure love and miracles are unfolding around us and through us constantly. However, stress is part of this gorgeous experience. Stress and other suffering is the catalyst for real growth, real expansion, and the development of true, functional, unshakeable peace.

Let your desire to be a more loving, wise, compassionate, decisive and authentic being pull you through stress, let it motivate your development so that the more it hurts, the more you work on forming habits that express your inner goodness and sense of rightness. Slowly we stretch our limits and retrain our reactions, and down the road a little ways, we can see how far we have truly come. And the journey never stops... This is what it is to be alive as a human being.

Sent from my iPhone

Hide and Seek, Beloved

Hide and Seek, Beloved


I feel you in the misty morning, when the sun is not quite up
and I see you in the sleeping face of my child.

I feel you smiling to me in walls, in the trees, in the air I breathe,
and I feel you out in nature wild,

and untamed, human's opinionated domain unproclaimed.
I see you in the glow, the shine of eyes of radiant beings I know.

I see you lost and hiding, like in a deep and twisted cave,
within the shady forms of slouching figures,
beings not yet awake,
but fittfully, angrily sleeping
and cursing you with their pain.

You are not one figure,
you are natural and free..
I see you as the fabric of reality.

When I forget you are there, the world is harder and more jagged,
then I remember and you are still smiling, as if I never forgot.

You are the Soul of which each Soul is a fragment,
and tell me, do my cells contemplate me,
the way we,
contemplate you?

I have a hard time finding you in monuments and books,
other then the passages that pass my eyes
and hit me deep..
then I hear You telling me, the wisdom that I seek..

but you speak in whispers,
in songs stuck in my head,
you speak in inner-rightness,
through inspiration you have led,
me on a wondrous path.

And I believe whole-heartedly,
that all is as its meant to be...

that each suffering reveals more truth,
the deeper freedom after integration is the proof...

that truth, love and delight are why we are here,
as cells of your body, we appear and disappear,
and you are playing hide-and-seek..
Lila,
all is lila,

so EVERYTHING is sacred, yes,
and strive we must, yet we are blessed,
because everything is a purposeful unfolding
of Your loving consciousness through our own living,
and learning by trial-and-error,
and that joy comes from giving,
that over and over,
love is the way,
and yes, its ALL sacred,
but this is all just your play.

Love, But Not From Where You Wanted It

I cannot say enough to how much yoga practice works.. I mean the whole package, the whole process.. It is true, and proven by science, that you change the chemistry and map of your brain by what you focus on... so if you practice switching your thoughts and focus daily...

from

dissatisfaction

to

gratitude...

from

life being random and cruel

to

seeing the purposeful connections from one moment to the next...

AND
from

jealousy and fear that you won't be loved

to

feeling the unselfish love in your own heart and flowing to you...

So often we fixate on where we want the love to come from, we specify, and we are dissappointed because our ardent hope is dashed. This seems to make great sense, and it is natural.. we will feel the let down.. but if we open ourselves... you witness the fact that love isn't coming from where you wanted it, and keep your heart wide open..

I often say to myself.. "Oh well.. I am still surrounded by love, and more love is coming, just not where I wanted it to, but even greater love is coming, and will come, from the most perfect places."  I have great faith in this. Not blind faith, or frightened faith, but tried-and-true faith that comes from experiencing it over and over..

Relationships, friendships, strangers, momentary interactions and connections that last for years..

I don't try to force it or fake it.. even if you love someone and feel a soul connection, it doesn't mean its going to be a relationship.. The connection will be mutual and FULL, there will be no question or doubts when it will be such.. but the love and the discovery we experience in any soul connection.. be it a flash of eye contact and a smile from the soul in passing on the street or in the hall... a friendship.. or a romantic relationship... is ALL purposeful and helps us to blossom into our full beauty. We have to be honest with what the connection feels like..

and don't fight it or try to shape it..

because it is all purposeful and perfect,
just as it unfolds!

And all the love we need for our most magnificent unfolding into the fullness of our life-purpose and greatest fulfilment is here, and is coming, and will always come...

just at the right moment..

but not necessarily in the form or from where we wanted it.

Sometimes we need to feel alone, or handle things on our own, even when we don't want to, but it helps build independence, strength, understanding, insight, clarity and peace. But at just the right time, love comes.. and when it comes to finding a partner.. I want it more then anyone.. but I will not force it, fight it, or fake it. It WILL come, and when it does, it will be worth every false alarm, heart-break, and lonely moment.

I look at each day as an adventure.. and I feel that even in a tragedy, there can be a strong sense of inner rightness.. and again, I believe it because I feel it in my own life. I am writing this in the hospital, with my father, who is pretty sick, but doing so well in the circumstances. I have accepted that reality, and I am holding the space with vibrant love and peace, because I feel SO MUCH rightness.. that I am in the right place and this is inevitable. I am in harmony with the Universe/Reality/God, whatever you want to name it as, I am in harmony, inner rightness is the indicator.. and we all have this ability, as human beings.

And TRUST in your resilience..

And trust that your life story is unfolding..

if you can be true to your heart,

everything you ever wanted may not come,

but your every dream can come true..

it wil just be BETTER then you could've planned it yourself..

remember all the times that you've called someone that said they just picked up the phone to call you..
or you 'randomly', spontaneously end up somewhere, and bump into a friend or meet someone new that resonates with your heart and uplifts you..

..that is the stuff that builds faith in the fact that life is filled with magic, beauty, it IS a vinyasa, a purposeful arrangement to encourage us and provide us everything for our blossoming into greatness and fullness of individual potential and purpose.

Believe THAT, remember how many times tiny miracles like those have happened, and bigger ones as well, and let it keep you strong.. and know..

love is coming, it is everywhere, it is here, it is within you.. and if you open your heart, open your heart, OPEN YOUR HEART, and realize, it MAY not be coming from where you want it to, but it IS coming, and where it does come from will be perfect.. And love gets better and better and better each time.. the bigger the heart aches you've felt, the deeper the future joys will be.

Blessings!  Namaste!!

With a Tint of Melancholy

With a Tint of Melancholy

By Laura Harrison


everything has a purpose,
pain is a cracking open,
to feel,
to even greater depths,
heart wider each time you heal.


so why are you fighting reality?
will banging your fists change a thing?
or ask yourself what you are resisting,
and stop,
to begin to live your life gracefully.

we all feel pain, we all have truths,
that are too painful to accept
as real
all at once
it is a pain so sharp
so jagged
so tearing to our flesh
like searing and scooping out the organs
sucking all the wind from the lungs
pulling all of the light from the sky...

I know these pains,
I have felt them too,
but I have learned
a new way

to not deny the agony
to feel the inconsolable pain
but not to take it into me
and crystalize it
and tell myself lies
like
"this pain is me"
or to form around it
as if it were my identity..
to do so is to build a monument in the middle of my mind,
to lay out a shrine of worship,
to that which I wish didn't exist..
it is the surest way to misery.

So I do not deny my agony,
instead I let it tear through me,
I let the tears flow,
I face it,
I feel it,
but I
let
it
go.

I don't let my brain obsess,
I confess, it becomes easier with time,
I feel the misery,
I feel everything else,
and I don't close against the pain,
I open like a flower,
I blossom into reality,
and instantly,
even in agony,
I am free.

Try,
try it,
try it over and over again,
and breath by breath,
it will
eventually,
set you free.

Give it time,
and when you suffer,
ask yourself what you are fighting,
and your awareness
will begin highlighting
all the ways you resisted your salvation.

I am not saying there is a promise of no pain,
but suffering is an option that is caused in your brain

stop rejecting what already is,
and you are already free,
and your joy may not always be complete,
but it will be deep,
sublime,
steady,
with tint of melancholy.

Painfully Lost in the Small View

Pain, loss, tragedy, frustration and embarrassment are part of our life stories, as much as growth, joy, delight, fascination, and ecstasy.

We seem to go through a spiraling pattern of evolution- bright, open, free turns and heavy, painful, withdrawn ones as well. However, pleasant and unpleasant are part of the same growth, the same path of enlightenment.
When the heavy, painful experiences are upon us, it is helpful to recall that the pain is from opening and letting go of these false or former realities that are no longer current. It is the pain of dying to the old idea of your life and who you are, and the restructuring of your view of reality in the light of new shifts and truths. Oh, that doesn't sound so bad, right? But the truth is, it is easy to get lost in the texture and terrain of the suffering when experiencing it.
The left brain/ego is concerned with past and future and fully absorbed in the up-close, individual experience. In painful experiences, it zooms in on the source of the suffering and obsesses on the tragedy of it all. It loops around over and over in the lament and agony, and feels so alive in the torment. The ego/individual self loves to affirm its own existence, because it is very insecure. It obsesses on solution and closure, even when only time and space can resolve the ache.
The solution is to spend more time in yoga practice, meditation, deep relaxation, creative expression, and in Nature, or in general in cultivating present moment awareness/mindfulness. Mindfulness is the experience connected with the right brain, it is the broad view, widening the lens of your attention, so that it no longer zooms in your suffering, but sees the suffering as only one part of your total current experience.
"Breathe, Feel everything, Let it go", I tell myself, and my students, frequently, "and respond honestly with what you experience." Honesty beckons us to let go of the unhealthy relationship, accept loss, forgive ourselves for making mistakes and to learn from them instead of beating ourselves up. Honesty makes us notice that the pain may be there, but there is also peace, there are also things to enjoy, there are also many blessings to count. Honesty reminds us that nothing lasts forever, so neither will this pain, and we can turn it into growth and personal development instead of feeling sorry for ourselves.
Its easy to sink into the heaviness of defeat, to feel sorry for ourselves, but that mood is only healthy once in each experience. Once the facts have permeated our awareness and shock is no longer necessary, the only humane way to resolve our suffering is to practice extreme self care and be present. Don't get sucked into the hole of depression, don't give in to self-pity, its like a drug. Its lazy. Its cheap. Its ugly. Instead, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go. Again, breathe, feel everything, let that moment go... And continue to move on with your healthy life.
Automatically get yourself present when you start to drift down that filthy hallway of "what if's" and reinventing the past, and other counter-factuals. "If" nothing, work on accepting Reality as it is but touching it in the present moment. Don't waste time worrying about the future, and "what will happen when..." Instead, immerse yourself completely in the moment at hand, the task at hand, the company at hand. Use self-care: take a walk, eat healthfully and not too little or too much, use techniques that bring you peace, and that bring you into the NOW.
...And an amazing thing happens.. The pain will slowly heal, like a cut heals, from the inside out.. And naturally the scab falls off, and then eventually you won't even see the mark anymore, or if you can, it certainly won't hurt, just remind you of a time and place and experience and lesson.
A story.. Part of your life story.. Not THE entire life story. So don't get lost in the close-up when you can soar above the total experience and feel so much more then just your pain.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Pain, the Teacher

Pain, the Teacher

by Laura Harrison

Pain has a way of bringing you right down to your knees,
shredding down your false priorities,
bringing you back to what's real,
everything that ever mattered,
is contained in each moment, right here.

With Lovely Company

with lovely company

by Laura Harrison



I just got comfortable
now its happening again
I can't understand if you're a lover
or just my new best friend

And as much as I love, I can't figure your response
or the way my heart's reacting, as we swiftly changed the course

I have a burning desire, to know what this love means
because it transcends everything, that I've ever seen
ever felt ever known, ever been told about,
I feel like I'm starting fresh, like some sort of scout,
exploring new terrain,
the mountains of the heart,
and learning from the universe what love is truly about.

I understand the learning relationship of the lover-friend,
that's what I've been given lots of,
and i'm not ungrateful, but then
is it selfish to want eventually,
to find a partner, someone that wants to be with me?

I don't expect forever, but I would like today,
and maybe a year or two
to encourage each other's way,

I'm not seeking another half,
because I'm already whole,
I want an equal in all ways,
not to lose myself in the role,
just someone who wants to play,
who also keeps it deep,
so we can cherish each other,
and snuggle when we sleep..

love is amazing, a truly sacred thing,
its just like inspiration,
because it comes when it comes,
and leaves when it leaves,
and there's nothing you can do but choose to ride the wave to shore,
or sit on your hands and choose to ignore
the gift you've been given
the opportunity
to figure out just who you are
with lovely company

I just got comfortable
now its happening again
I can't understand if you're a lover
or just my new best friend
But speak your mind my dear,
make sure you speak your heart
or else you lose your chance
and I can't be waiting on what you may do
or figure out your part

the time is now, here we are,
and if you really love me, then make it clear
I can't be held responsible
because you are held back by your fear

so don't hestitate
because if you do,
then our time has expired, and I can't be to blame
because I was open, my heart was yours,
and you made the choice to alter the course.

Don't Chase, Open Your Arms

Don't Chase, Open Your Arms
by Laura Harrison

Don't chase, how unmistakable it seemed,
When he seemd to be a solid sort of destiny,
but he wasn't what she dreamed,
just a teacher, if she didn't fall in love he wouldn't reach her

but letting go of the idea that he
was your prince charming
takes a little time
or a lot of trust
that life will bring you better then you seek

Don't chase that which runs away from your heart
Stand in the wind, open your arms
spin till your dizzy and the one who will understand your genius will appear
and move towards him without fear

Don't chase, don't try to make her fit
is she just so close but not quite it?
maybe she's there to unlock a piece of you
maybe a teacher, keeping you growing
maybe she'll get you ready for the next true love

but letting go of the idea that she
was supposed be your queen
maybe you didn't know just what the feelings would mean
when you were feeling them
you just don't quite understand love,
none of us do,
not completely...

but its a tapestry, woven with an emotion
vast as the ocean
and just as full of life..
just because you love her now doesn't mean she needs to be your wife
you are your own person, don't let him become your life
lose yourself in love while it lasts, while its mutual,
and if your not on the same page, then don't let your feelings fool you
love comes in many flavors, many degrees,
and thinking there is just one kind and that its solid like forever is a disease

can you open your arms to the one you are falling in love with..
it is truly a trust fall, 
but you don't need to trust the other,
you need to trust your own resilience,
trust life.. trust that you'll hear the call

love is not owning the other,
owning the outcome that you wanted and planned,
love is not choosing a person like an object to have.
love is staying connected to the land underneath your feet.
and losing yourself in the heartbeat, the cosmic music, the flow
the moment, as it is, as it is, not as you'd rather it'd be,
but reality..

the vibrancy, 
that flows through you and me,
it is the fabric of everything.

Don't chase love, make it, in this moment..
you don't need a lover to make love,
you need eyes, open wide to the sky,
you need to breathe the breeze as it carresses you,
you need to move, to run, to play, remember how to groove...

love is here in the moment,
in the eyes of a child,
in the creative passion
coursing through you so wild,
let it set you free..
lose yourself in that sea,
Don't chase love, open your arms,
spinning in the field, get drunk on sky,
lose yourself in the act of living,
lose yourself in all... the love.. you're giving..

when you get lonely you're missing the moment,
not the lover you thought was supposed to be yours
or the adornment... that money can bring,,
love is everything..
and the more I give the more comes back to me..

Don't chase the love they isn't freely given
lose yourself in the life you deem worthy of living
love and play, because each one can be your last day,
it can be as magnificent as a first,
open your arms, stay alive, wide to the sky, don't try
to label or understand...
lose those fists...open your hands...

some days are heavy, baby,
some days are pretty cold,
but open your arms, let the poetry of it flow,
and when it passes through, the sun does shine again,
and you know..

love is everywhere.

Don't chase...

Open wide...

It flows from inside.

Trust

Trust

by Laura Harrison


How can I learn to trust myself
when I have stumbled so many times?

How can I learn to love myself after condemning myself for so many crimes?

But all the times that I have failed
I succeeded in some way
except for the times I ignored my knowing,
and deferred to what others did say.

Trust comes from letting go
from giving up
from being tired of trying to drink
from an empty cup.

We all need to feel loved,
so we mistakenly try to conform,
although no one truly ever wants,
 to embody the everyday norm.

So it sounds trite, but its true,
Be nobody but you

You don't have to try
to embody your vibe

Just lose yourself in the act of being alive

over
    
      and over
    
                and over again..

and trust will grow itself my friend.


Deep honesty is the only path,
and getting lost is the only math.

The compass is your own heart,
and every moment is the perfect one
in which to start.

Taking Less and Giving More

Taking Less and Giving More

by Laura Harrison


take too little and you become bitter
take too much and you get buried under the weight,

taking to little, you get tossed like litter,
taking too much you are filled with hate,

But if you can find the edge,
like the shoreline always changing,
and if you can find the balance point,
although its constantly rearranging

If you can find the poem
and the sparkle in each moment,
you can have a moving joy..

one in times of trouble
           times of pain
           times of sun
       & times of rain

If you can learn to take just what you need, to keep your heart overflowing,

Your life becomes your masterpiece,
and your passion becomes a knowing,
your actions are the showing

of who you truly are

and giving more then you take

will take you extraordinarily far.

We Can Only Unearth Together by Laura Harrison

I had to lose myself to find myself again,
If I didn't come through all that hurt I wouldn't have the zen,

If I didn't spend those years feeling so all alone,
I wouldn't know how to cherish each moment to the bone,
I wouldn't know how to kiss you like crazy when you come home,
I wouldn't know how to become free when I roam,

It's funny how every relationship and every friend has given me a clue,
& as I piece them all together they're adding up to you.

I don't know you, haven't met you,
but when I do I won't soon forget you,
All these leads and inbetweens I don't soon regret, true..
But I can't say I won't be glad to let you      in..

I'm too connected to the real to ever I know,
exactly how my life is going to go..
Some people find life-long love while,
if I could find Real Love for even a few years I'd smile.

I recognize paths come together and part,
and that even when its over you'll be in my heart,

a relationship of any sort is a mutual shaping...

at best you'll each go deeper and find
pieces of yourself you never knew were missing,

But more times then not there comes a place,
and although those memories can't be replaced,
There is s difficult truth that must be faced...

Your path is yours and mine is mine,
and although it hurts to let go
we have to if we each wish to continue to shine.

and you are always a piece of me,
and I am always a piece of you,
and our mutual shaping colors everything we do.

So Love, though I haven't met you,
and though my life is mine,
I can't wait until I see you see me,
although until then I'm more then fine,
the longing fuels my me-ness
and gives me bittersweet joy,
I have all of Nature to love me,
and I have my baby boy.

Yet Nature has no arms,
doesn't smell like a man,
doesn't hold me in loving strength,
or sweetly take my hand.

Although I know this love is wrapped
around me like a sweater,

I love to feel it reflected in your eyes,
see it written in your face,
hear it in your honest words,
and in our initial chase.

I can't wait to see you see me,
or feel you fall in love with me,
and for us to find the piece of ourselves
that we can only unearth together.

I Found These Precious Things by Laura Harrison

I knew you were never mine,
I never asked to own you anyway,
But the lines were blurry and undefined,
and I still don't fully understand that day..

I know that your heart is right,
she will return a piece of you,
Although I cannot promise how it will go, it will come to light..

Friend or lover, how she will fit in your life,
If you'll love each other, if you'll hate each other,
If someday she'll be your wife,

I cannot know these things,
And even when you meet,
The lines may be blurred for you,
But your journey is purposeful,
it will give you what you seek.

It may last a day, a month, or years,
But you are right so throw away your fears..

Each love, each friend and each event,
has been a stepping stone,
I can paint you the story,
of how each one lead me to the next home,
A masterpiece of color and texture, love and pain, sweeping curves, spirals, pouring with passion like rain..
dynamic, the portrait of my life's journey.. Each one revealing more pieces of myself to me, pieces I never knew were gone, pieces I'd lost, forgot.. Pieces I longed for, pieces I missed a lot..pieces that could set me free.

Branches like a creek, pouring into bigger streams, coming into rivers, leading to the sea...everything is Always far more profound than it seems. A deeper and deeper expression of wholeness flooding my senses, as I open myself and disarm my defenses. As every fraction of my being becomes conscious and all my pieces found, I can be who I am, and get lost in the ecstatic sound.

There were very important pieces,
Beautiful parts of me,
And I had lost them over time,
Forgotten that they were my qualities,

I ached and was often hollow,
Or bound by invisible strings,
And just because you came into my life,
I found these precious things..

I am still bringing them into sharper focus,
Remembering how I used to be,
Although I am not going back,
But stepping forward through my destiny,

My lovely light is so much brighter,
And I am so much more alive,
I cut the threads that bound me,
Because you have arrived.

The journey of life it seems,
Is to become conscious + free,
To discover who you are this time,
Finding pieces like treasure in the hearts,the smiles, discovering your destiny..
Finding yourself reflected in the mirrors of bright beings,
And loving them and you,
You live your life like art,
Play the part you've been assigned,
Questioning how you've been defined,
Allow your heart-compass to get you realigned.

Both sacred and just playfulness,
Play the role, don't fight yourself,
live your love, open wide,
You have nothing to fear,
Life is on your side.

I'd be selfish not to get down on my knees,
And express the gratitude of everything life has given to me,
Not the least of which is you,
Or the miracle of the path,
Of getting lost and found,
Or the pieces he gave back to me,
That brought me around,
To the place where I met you, again and again,

I love you, and I'm deeply grateful, to you my dear friend.