I Choose Loving You

For you
I will go to the edges of my mind
And let my ego show itself
In resistance
And I will wrestle it down and force it out

For you
In fact I see you being a light by which I better see
What is and isn't me

So for you
I will go to war inside my mind
When it produces an assault on our love
As minds tend to do with the familiar
And love will be made safe

I choose loving you
Because the work I will do
To keep it flourishing
Is the very same work I would do with out
To keep evolving anyhow
And sharing my soul & beauty & joy
With the one man I have ever found
That can appreciate every detail of me
Is something sacred and worthy
And deserves nurturing & protecting

The Only Man Who Could Deserve Me

I can handle the sweet and subtle agony of longing for you,

Like a fire lashing at me from the inside,

Love for you,
Or just a thought
or sight of an object,
triggering a cascade of nostalgia
Pouring through my body
Like tiny pebbles stinging me
And the slight descending sadness resulting from
Each point of contact

I can handle the agony of missing
Of mother torn from child
When my son returns to his father
And I know
Truly what it is to ache

Now you
Finally I meet you in the flesh
Though I've longed for you
For so long
Before I knew you
Were the one who
I longed for

And we knew
We have known
Each other before
But Never more
Has this space
Between us
Been set on fire
Like it assaults my being
As if I'm lying on my bed
Longing for you
To take me
But you're not here
Not abandoning me
You are busy
This writhing is healthy

My son taught me
First
That we have to miss
The ones we love most
Though I knew it long ago
He made me accountable
To sanctify
And protect
The one relationship
I can and will never leave
The one
Between him and me

And who would've thought
He'd prepare me for this?
That, by God,
And everything seen
And unseen
That I never knew
You would come to mean
This much to me,
And upon my word,
Me to you.

This.

This is what people starve to death waiting for..

Souls starve when they aren't seen,
Hidden in their flesh,
Like a jewel in a temple,
Praying, dreaming, begging,
To be set free.

Merely Seeing another's soul can be enough,
And All it needs
To shine and live on
In another day of drudgery

I am not starving any longer,
I feast
When I see you see me,
And one day
Perhaps
I will end every night worshipping
the One Soul
Reflected in your one soul
My body
Pouring vast love
Through longing fingers
And lips
The Universe Itself
Loving you through me

Until that day
I am no child
I am wise

And I have learned that love requires sacrifice

So I will make sure
To break my own heart
Just a little
Over and over
As I do for my son
To be the mother he deserves
And I will do it for you
Because though this love may fade
I will do everything in my power to
Keep it alive
To set it ablaze, to make it thrive..

So I will break my heart
Just a little
Everyday
To keep this torrent of love flowing
It takes a subtle stream of melancholy
A small sacrifice
To protect the sanctity
Of this precious bond given to you and me


But tell me,
my love,
tonight,

When you are without me,
When you lie down,
And shut off the light,

close your eyes,
let yourself be still,
and breathe deeply,

So ....slowly,

like you would if I were near,

and in your mind & senses
Imagine me there-
recall
the feel of my skin,
My playful laughter,
& Incandescent smiles,
As my eyes
see into your soul...

And
Now open your eyes
Know I am far,
& read these words,
that caress your divine consciousness,

And
tell me,
What does your soul say?
Do you merely 'think' you love me?

Tell me, does your soul rattle the walls of your body,
Is it longing for me??

Oh, you are no fool.
You know what you did by being busy tonight.
You know exactly what you've done to me,
And that
Is exactly why
You are the only man who can
Possibly deserve me.

I, too, am no fool,
I know that if I'm on fire
So are you
And I
Will
Gently
Resist
And
Make
You
Take
Me
First
Again.

Come To Me

I feel you even though I don't know you
Like a whisper is the breeze
Concealed by more conscious forces
With which I've been introduced
But you're just as true

I feel your existence and know you will make an entrance
Though I don't know how or when
But I know perhaps where
And that you will enter

Like the sliver of the moon
I feel you
And I cannot sleep
With such brilliance about
I feel you growing near
Like the moon grows full
I have no doubt
In your existence
I offer no resistance

Several have had the chance
To be where you will be
But I have a strong feeling that
You will be the one that doesn't fail me

There comes a time
When we meet our match
And I am woman enough to let you chase me
And if you are worthy, I'll let you catch
When I fall
If you are worthy, you will catch me

I'm happy without you
But I feel you everyday, everywhere
And I can already imagine
The feeling, the way, your awe-inflicted stare

you will peruse me
Convince me
Make me fall
Make me see

God knows I will not settle
And I will not stand
For less than I deserve
Find me, take my hand

Be brave and bold
Unafraid of deep love
Or at least man enough
To tell me your fears as well as that of which you dream

If you do not feel breathlessly
That I am everything
You could wish for or want
Then you are not he

If you do not lose yourself
When you look in my eyes
If you do not fall hopelessly
Enchantingly effervescently
Incandescently
In love
Please
Do not apply
You cannot be the guy

You must love me unimaginably
Epically
Beyond all fears
Ecstatically
Feel that I am the most fascinating gorgeous graceful flower
Upon the face of this earth
Or else this is not what we deserve
We are all of that worth

And I promise
O sir, of unbelievable charm
Your precious heart
In my hands
Won't come to harm

You must challenge me
Allow me to grow
Let your endless love and appreciation show
And remain a free man
Of his own independent choices and strength
And I will love you unfathomably
Intimately and at length
You and I will be as free people
Living their truth as they see
And choosing
In freedom
Each other tenderly
I will appreciate you
Treat you as a king
Tell you only truth
Reflect to you your greatness
And give you everything
I have to give
Mind, body and soul
My truth
Will be
Loving you boundlessly
My life is my spiritual journey
And my spiritual journey
Is to love
Above all else
to Love


I don't know you yet
We haven't met
But I feel you already
Wherever you are
Come to me

Ode To Fact

Just because I can let go
Doesn't mean the truth doesn't show
Just because I shouldn't be in my head
Doesn't mean the energy isn't being read

It just means I can let it go and be at peace
The present moment sets me free
And we have some things about which to speak
But I need not let it worry me


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Nigh agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


Reality, reality,
Preference has nothing to do with thee
I have to choose what it is you bring
That's what I'm discovering
But I can turn my mood around
There's great power in that I've also found


Oh reality
Thick and deep
Filled with love
And intensity
Brutal, almost agony
Under which I could let myself sink
But I will choose to float


I'll take this heart and take this light
And I acknowledge my feelings tonight
But I will believe in what I see
Which says that I am always free
So if you want me, come to me,
Or through unknown the trust will breech
Let me in, with well-placed speech
Needn't be many words, but a crucial few
Open to me and I'll give everything to you.

The Need For Communication

Silent agony
Underneath the sky
Each day lasts for days and I can't lie
Taking me to the edge of my sky
Endless eons lived in every day
But lightness returns when you make your play
Until then..
Like a glacier scraping through my heart and head
With a deep scouring occurring, nothing said
Evolution occurs and I'm forced to let go
Over and over this is the show

I can stand in my feet and so I do
I was not planning to depend on you
Too many times it's come true
You're not the rug in standing on..
Or else I can bet it'd soon be gone

Wonder, wonder, upon a star
I'm happy within and come so far
But what's this pattern going on
Is my desire for response all too wrong?

Desire, no, it's fair enough,
But Expectations are brutal stuff,
And when, and when, they're not fulfilled,
That is when my heart is spilled.
I'm high above so I won't crash,
But this edgy silence stirs backlash.
Your Silence is forcing growth but creating instability,
And a paradigm of doubting that you fully want me.

Time isn't much but it's ancient and vast,
It's only been days but I feel the contrast,
To witnessing, witnessing your rhythms and flows,
And openly seeing how everything goes.

You're an angel and of that there is not doubt,
And I had to let the pressure out.
I cannot level an offense at you,
& I do not doubt that you are true.
But I feel maybe my place is not in your heart
Us not as One as it seems at every start

And then by now I come to bed
And see that this may be just my head
But I'm not wrong, I feel it all,
But I also don't need to fall.

So exhale, exhale once again,
Trust you, trust me, and transcend.

It's not easy with such empathy,
Connected to one who prefers to be a mystery.
A couple sentences each day are not too much,
A tiny price to own my touch,
A simple way to grant me peace,

It's not my head, it is my heart,
A choice must be made to make a start,
Still resisting sharing with me your heart,
I'll hold the space but you must light the dark.

My Light and Love

This love and light that I am
Is like glass
Is like light itself pouring at the one receiving it

And this loving-light can be bright
Intense
Like a mirror
Sometimes it's a harsh experience
To be exposed
To be held accountable
Because this mirror reflects
A level of truth
Most humans never wish to know
The level of truth
That is where we are all going

And to the one seeing their reflection in the words and eyes of the mirror

It can reveal that with which they struggle most within

That which they maybe wished was hidden

All the details of your skin you wish were a secret
The imperfections, the lines

All the things you don't know how to accept

Or love
Or change
Or face
(The fears, the patterns, the times you wish to disappear)

& Yet

This mirror offers no judgement
In the brightness of the light
In the stark exposure of your defects
This mirror doesn't begrudge
Never thinks less
In fact only more

It caresses your humanity
With it's light
Filled with love
Unconditional love

Because this mirror
Has battled
Still has it's struggles
Still grows clearer
By it's own striving
Still aches
But just less than it used to
And with the peace of tested & proven faith

And it shows you what you have to look forward to
The reward of your agonizing work
As a human stepping into it's greatness and divinity

And i am still learning
So it seems
For the men closest to me
How to be true to my force
Like the ocean
Like the sun and moon
Like a wave
Like a mirror
Pouring light
Accepting no degree of falsity
And still not harm them as I scrub off their shells, as I expose their fragility

To me
Your vulnerability
Is filled with beauty
As much as your strength
Perhaps even more

I only want to let you know
You are loved
Cherished
Cradled
By my seeing
And I stand to empower
your magnificence
Because it is all I see within you
Shining back at me
Light meeting light
Mirrors reflecting souls
And like mirrors do
Two
Amplify the light
Exponentially
Greater than separately

I am not daunted by the details you call defects
Or wish to remain anonymous within
I see you as a spiritual warrior,
Being of light
But maybe in the power
And intensity
Of my light and of my love
It is an unknown force
Hard to understand

The combination is not what mere mortals tend to enjoy
Or expect
Or have the willingness to withstand

I must be authentic
I am this mirror
I want my equal mirror
To unabashedly expose me
With omniscient love
Within the light
And for us to support each other's transcendence of mortality
Into the realm of divinity

Equal partners are always equal
Not by refusing to be vulnerable
Or putting on airs
Or hoisting walls of safety
But by knowing
their wholeness and strength isn't compromised
By flowing
with the need
To lean into the other &
work out spiritual growth together
Share the burden
Shine two lights and expose solution faster

Sometimes you'll lean into my arms,
And I will stroke your hair and
pouring limitless undying love
over you like honey
Make the harshness of this lesson, this moment bearable...like love meditation

Or loving you enough to grant you sabbatical, if you need to climb the Mount Everest within alone, this is not unknown and upon that, from the distance, my light can be shone

And at times I will certainly need you to hold me,
cradle me,
surround my fragility
with the strength of your flesh and your ancient soul..
just hold me
and let me silently heal the subtle remnants of wounds from when I didn't have you..
Many years of needing to be held with no arms,
No light to see mine,
Or reflect my love,
did leave behind harm..

And typically, we'll dance,
create, escalate
into exponentially
higher realms of consciousness than we ever reached
before and much faster
and more freely
than we could have
If you and me
Weren't mirrors for each other's souls
For each other's greatness
For each other's truth
Pouring love and light
Like the sun
Over each other
Like a blessing
Like a prayer
Like divinity itself
Like the air
Weightlessly
Supporting
The life and beauty it surrounds
So gently
But so powerfully

Equal footing
Sharing the burden
Catalyzing the destruction and creation of universes within each other
And allowing space for all we need
Separately
And together

I will never again allow
Anything less than a sacred relationship

Please know
That although I expose
In the mirror
Of my heart
Everything
You are never nothing less than sacred to me
And I would love you as my spiritual practice
To grow brighter
By honoring you
And fighting the battle
To release all fear
And let love create my reality
Kiss you
Cascade my love and unending reverence upon you
Leaving divine light on your skin
And treasure you for everything that makes you
You
Divinely human
Complicated
Infinite
And unique

Hold The Space For You

I know you're hurting,
Uncomfortable
Growing
maybe
Writhing under your calm exterior
Confusion under your usual knowing
Barely showing
what you're really feeling
Reeling
Silently enduring
In the middle
Of a big transition
Even gurus
Go through
Because we are all divine
And all human too

I know how it feels, baby
I feel it too.
I'm in the middle of my own.
What if I say
These sweet words to you?...

It doesn't matter
if you don't know who you are
All the love you feel
Even the pain,
The light that shines through you
Is the light of ancient stars

You don't need to say a word
And I will understand
Whether or not you want
to hold my hand
I will hold the space for you
Silently shine my love on you
No attachment to what you find is true
Just holding the space in love and light for you

If you don't know right now
Who you are and what you feel
I can step back quietly
And let you watch it be revealed

Accountability
doesn't often catch up
to people like you and me
Because we are usually the guides
But teacher is a role
I know you know
That role is often turned
But you know how
To maintain peace
So that your inner disintegration
Can't be discerned
You can feel
More than most ever feel
Breathe
Stay with it
And never let it be revealed
That your whole world
Was destroyed inside of you
That you just adopted
Another freshly updated world view
But it is a wholly different vulnerability
Exposed between you and me
When I feel what you feel and you feel what I do
There's nowhere to hide
It's intense and it's true
Like you're inside of me and I am inside of you

And I wonder
To myself
And now out loud..
I am no less if you just don't love me
But I somehow
Feel like you came
To a wound
To a question
Or to a thought
And it got on top of you
And it dragged you
Out of feeling
Into it's chambers
Within your brain
It's pain
And Sobering slap
Broke the trance
And out of love you came

Did you not want to ask for me to step aside and witness
Or to leave you alone?
Did you not want me to see you
In your process,
In your home?
I know that you are Divinity
But you have no images of sanctity
To uphold with me
God knows how to hurt
Become lost
Or utilize vice
Just as readily as he can channel sacred advice
And this goddess didn't judge
Wouldn't judge
In fact
Only loved.
Held the space,
Gazed admiringly upon your face.
In your humanness
Like well-worn antique furniture
Your beauty is most revealed.

No matter how much I love you
Your path will always be your own
And no matter where I go
I will always be at home
My own heart is my anchor
Each moment
I savor
Even in excruciating pain
My loving light remains
And I accept reality
Wholeheartedly

Even if you did chose
To share this life with me
We each will need to pull away
At certain seasons and flows
Some things can only be revealed
When we feel totally alone

I can hold a space for that
For truth, no matter what
I can accept the mystery of life ahead
And focus on the moment
And it doesn't stop the intuitive imagery I receive
But it takes two of us choosing it
If it ever will be conceived

So if your heart says no to me
And that may be the truth
I can hold that space and bow
No matter how much I can feel for you
Nothing overrides the truth in each now
Honest feeling is the proof
But sometimes strands of feeling
Become tangled, like string
So I honor you know what choice to make
Because it changes everything
And I am here
For truth
Becoming clear
Through the experiences
Loss, creation and sustaining
Never do I want feigning
My loving light always is remaining

And maybe I'm wrong
This has nothing to do with me
And I can accept that too
this is just my release
To
Let
You
Go

Before I let it fade
In order to get it out of me
I had to let you know
What I feel
And the opportunity

And all I am is love and light
And all I want is what's real and right
By no one's standards
But our own

And I hold the space
For truth alone
In love and light
wherever I go.

My Sacred Love

Everything we do in each day is an act of worship because life is sacred. The spiritual and the mundane are not separate whatsoever. By bringing our full consciousness and heart to each moment, we bring sacredness from the invisible into the visible world of form. This poem is about how my love for my man, and cherishing the radiance of his soul, is a form of worship for me. I recognize the Divinity within all that is... So that is the place from which we connect.




~MY SACRED LOVE~

I want to build an altar
Underneath you
Scatter rose petals at your feet
I want to light incense
Close my eyes
And feel the entire universe within me

I want to set you
on my altar
Like a statue
Not because I am putting you on a pedestal
Or endeavor to restrict you
But because
I feel the Divine in you
So clearly
You remind me
It's within me
And everything
You inspire me
In your energy
To recall
That I too
Exist omnisciently

It's the fabric of life,
Divinity,
But some of us
Cover it over
with heaps of rags
and blankets
But you,
My sweet love,
Expose the sacred fabric
Of your soul
To the light, to the air
And to all the elements
Displaying your love-light for all to see
Selflessly sharing God with us all

I want to touch my head to the ground
By your feet
In humble gratitude
To a universe so sweet
As to,
Against all odds,
Bring us together
To allow me to be your lover

You move me
In a way
Not found
Everyday
Once
In
A
Lifetime

It comes
Here I come
To once again do puja
I know God is real
When I'm near you

And I become God's omniscience
When I lose myself in love with you

But let me light some incense
And touch the temple of your soul
And once again
Merge
Remember
And be renewed
By the freshness
Of your energy

Our love
My love for you
This shared journey
Has been enough to prove
That God exists
And I see Him
Everywhere I look
But never have I felt it
Quite a magnificently
As I do when I gaze upon you

That is why
When I love you
I am also worshipping the Divine
My intention
In Touching you
In Kissing you
In Cooking for you
In Listening to you
In Loving you
In the life we create together
Is to honor and celebrate
To commemorate
To nurture
The sacredness within you
With all of the sacredness within me.

When Divinity Makes Love To Divinity

Never could have known
Until I was shown
By experience

But two souls
Perfectly cleansed
Perfectly attuned
Different
Independent
But one
Completely one,
Can discover God
Inside each other

Divinity
Is the fabric
Of reality
And in your heart
I know this to be true
I knew God
Before I knew you
But never did I know
How I could grow
With another
With a lover
Making love
Not to just a body
(A future corpse)
But to my soul
Sacred union
Of all that is masculine
All that's female
In the eyes,
The tongues
The touches
Of lovers
Who know
That God is love-consciousness
And who pour
Their entire souls
Into each others bodies

Like taking two cups
Of water
And pouring them
Into a third bowl

We remain whole
We are individual sparks
Putting our flames together
In the loving ark
Of two bodies
Together
Sacred meditation
Merging
Revealing
That which is the source of all healing

Finding our aims are one:
shining love-light into the dark
Losing ourselves in each moment
Loving life itself

And in our love-play
God becomes a little more real
Divinity revealed
You inside me
Intentionally
Remembering
The sacredness
Of all
And
Losing the sense
Of our separateness
Our forms become one
The reunion of all that is
The entire universe whole
In each kiss
Nothing but love and delight
Energy
Light

But no one understands
Until their time comes
And they know
From their own
Experiences
What it is when divinity
Makes love to divinity

Two crystals
Reflecting dancing rainbows
Of love and pure delight
Melting individuality
And choosing
To be one

God is in everything everywhere
And can choose
To inhabit the individual forms
Or merge two
Of those forms into
One..
Not halves..
But Two souls joining
Completely
Seamlessly
Losing themselves
In love and joy

Reverent honoring
Of the divinity in each other
God worshipping God
as

Sacred Lover

When Divinity makes love
To Divinity

Light of Love

The light is all it takes to awake me from the night,

Be it the moon, or the screen of my phone, or sunrise.

It finds my eyes, it washes away the sleep,

I've even awoken to the glow of my own heart in-love
more than once.

But that faded into the fabric of my being because promises were given that he couldn't keep.

----

On the edge of my seat endless eons every single day,

Waiting but not stagnant I cannot allow myself to doubt what I feel.

What we feel is summoning itself towards us,

The more passionately I feel it the faster and harder it comes along.

I will not stop.
I'll sing this song.
I don't care that I've been alone so long.
After years of waking up I can't be so wrong.
I can't be making this up, he'll come along.


I don't always understand the dance,
But I dance on.

I curl my hair, put red lipstick on,

But I do it because it feels pure, it makes me happy, I sing my song,

I never knew I had this much joy and peace within me for way too long.

I don't look so stunning because I need a man,

I know more than a few that'd gladly hold my hand.

I am stunning, because that's me,
And living as anything less would be fighting reality.

And though my moon,
She craves her sun,
My female essence desires male,
I want just one.
I won't settle for less,
I don't want more.
I'm not desperate, nor am I a whore.

Many a good man has vied for my heart
Tried for my heart
But I know before we start its over
Not there
Nor ever shall be
No matter how good on paper,
 not truth
Not reality

And of the ones that I did love
Too quickly the boat capsized
They saw my light
I saw it in their eyes
But
When the chase was over
They'd run and hide
My HONESTY became sharply real
against the pattern of their inner lies
And the pain of the difference
Was more than they could deny
They left without even saying goodbye
They left the shell of their integrity behind


This level of beauty
Of honesty
Tears a less ready heart to smithereens
It takes many years
To build the strength
To OWN your facts without restraint


So come to me lover
Set fire to my inner moon
Melt my soul
And I'll make you room.

I'll love you like
The moon and stars
Move poets to tears
Move ocean's tide
And if you stay strong
Don't run and hide
And prove yourself true
That your passion abides
I'll follow you
With my every day
Like the entire universe loving you
In every way
Like life itself
touching you
Tenderly
You have to be yourself before you come to me
Own your truth and live in reality

Find me
I want to see you see me
See the spark
Feel the gravity
You come get me
Prove your love
Through every glance
Through actions too
And I'll love you endlessly
Unselfishly and true
I'll give you a love so pure
It's only seen by very few
Received by fewer
Nothing more sacred
Nothing truer

-----

I live on
As if you see me
Because I love what it is to be
Who I am
Like a source of light
Drawing eyes naturally without a fight

But I won't settle
I won't sell my soul
Years of thinking
'close' was enough have taken a toll
And now I want
No one but you
I don't know where you'll come from
But when you do

I know my life
As I have known
Was just preparing me
for an even brighter road

So on the edge of my seat endless eons everyday

I love every moment of this agony
Waiting for you to find me
But it's tearing me from inside
And I won't run and hide

I'll curl my hair, put my red lipstick on
I refuse to be anything less than me
And now it's dawn
Everyday
So full and deep
I've got evolution to fulfill so I can't sleep
I have a promise to the universe to keep

You'll come along
Unknown when
I'll be singing my song
I won't pretend
That I don't want you
No games
But
No haste
You have to prove you love me beyond the chase
And when you do
I'll know it's you
Divinity
Loving divinity
In the forms of my man and lady

Release You

I'm not less because you were inconsistent..
I'm not less because you treated me like a whore,
When I gave you respect, devotion, love, honesty, my body, my heart, my soul
and you wanted MORE.


I still have my integrity.
You have a broken image of what you are
and what you THINK you should be.

I have to lose all the pieces of everything.
I have to sit in this intense space.
This immense place,
of deep discomfort,
And I can handle it.

I would've given you the devotion of all my days,
The love of a good woman shouldn't be taken for granted.
You chased me, defaced me, erased me and in your heart,
 fearful resistance supplanted,
All the feelings you declared for me.

All the nightmares of your reality,
You can't erase,
They will follow you wherever you go,
Wherever you call home,
And you chose to face them all alone.

I am not made less because you had to maintain a false sense of superiority,
Just to avoid your inner feelings of inferiority,
You have shown your priorities,
And I see that honesty is NOT ranking highly.

Maybe if I were less,
 you'd still be around,
Because my fearless adherence to the truth wouldn't intimidate you,
You would be able to control me,
Sedate yourself,
 and I wouldn't call you out on it because I'd be less free..

But I'm not and my disgust is not because of me,
And I won't waste my breath blaming it on you and your inconsistency,
I'm only bothered that it takes more than a week to release the love I had for you from deep within me.

I'm not doubting my beauty
I'm not doubting my grace
I'm not wishing you'd come back to me,
Don't even show me your shameful face.

My mind knows you were childish,
And my heart wants no less than a REAL love
to breathe deep into my lungs.
I'm just waiting for my body to release you,
And heal the wounds leveled by your lying tongue.
Your hands never lied, you were cold and CRUEL,
And the judgement in your voice LASHING at ME
 but stemming from within YOU.

You were part of my story,
But you burned down the glory,
You pillaged the beautiful place in which you were held,
You decimated the love you beheld,
You destroyed your throne,
Now you're on your own,
And your place
In my heart
Became as an object
A catalyst
Not a man
No longer priceless
But a dime a dozen

So enjoy your material wasteland,
And I'll hear from you when you realized how tragically you played your hand
Guarantee it'll be too late
You chose your fate
And with this I release you.
God bless you in all you do.
I deserve much better than you.

Learning Where to Put the Love

I learned a hard lesson, finally, or at least, I can see the answer, and can now apply my mindfulness to manifesting the solution.

Unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm and caring for other beings is a beautiful thing, and an awesome responsibility. Just like a Teacher needs to learn to give each student only what they are ready for, too much will overwhelm them, so too much a Lover understand that the full-force of Love is overwhelming. Being blunt, I have not only overwhelmed people, I have frightened them, shut them down and sent them running. All because I appreciated them too much.

People aren't used to receiving Love without attachment, most people don't know what this means, and their minds cannot fathom a love that is unselfish and okay with whatever reality may bring, even parting. They look for an agenda, or they think I must be insane. Or they don't love themselves, and can't see why I do and reject it and me. Its sad. But it is reality, and it is a crucial lesson for me that I am glad I am embracing. I pledged years ago to rise to each opportunity to express my love and appreciation in the moment I feel it, because life is unpredictable,and nothing is static- it is NOT a given that we will have people in our lives for more then a flash. I even tell strangers on the street how beautiful they are, or how much I appreciate their unique style. And I try to let my loved ones know my gratitude each time we meet and part. Part of my learning lately has been that I must be my Self completely, no matter what happens, the ego has to go and I am here to shine, love, serve, and play. Its not that I will hide my Love and Light, but that I will try to only express the bit each person can handle to them, and let the rest nourish me and pour out through my every glance, breath, and action. When will I remember that they are not the source of love! I know this... Its the urge to pay it back that is the problem, I must pay it FORWARD!!! Just like if we want to help someone, we must help them in the way they need to be helped, not the way that we prefer, we can only give someone as much love as they can handle, and maybe a little more, when someone's heart is ready to break wide open to receive more love... But we cannot give someone who can only drink a glass of water an endless waterfall when they are not prepared for its force, its raw intensity, its power.  Unconditional Love IS that strong. That's what my energy feels like.. When I don't hold it back or waste it, but practice Self-care and simple grounding techniques, and just BE ME naturally, its like the Niagara Falls of sensation, appreciation, inspiration, and love is flowing through me. I am BLESSED, I'm not complaining! But I am grateful I am finally learning consciously how to balance and channel that into this world in a way that is not like spraying people with fire hoses. Once people's vibrations rise or they acclimate to the intensity, they can thrive with that Love both flowing out of them, and back into them... Love is the most important nutriment that too many people are starving for.
May all beings find the Love in their own hearts, and fall in love with Life Itself, the Divine within ALL that is.

Natural Bhakti: The Path of Love

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."~Mother Teresa

I realized something tonight. I have known this, but not like I know this now. I was born for the explicit purpose of losing myself in love in all possible directions. I don't think this is unique, I actually think it is the meaning of the Bhakti path of yoga, to which many, many people are drawn. But Bhakti for a lot of people has to do with a particular representation of the Divine Energy, or particular practices, or even places. For me, Bhakti is life itself. And I am so deeply and humbly grateful to see this with new, clearer eyes.

We cannot have back any of our past moments, so when we receive an insight that is a sting, a slap, a hard and painful realization that we are somehow more awake now then we previously were, it is best to give ourselves completely to integrating that wisdom at all costs. I can never have back those moments with my son when I let fatigue, hunger, or the urge to do something override the importance of stopping for thirty seconds to make better eye contact. Or to pick him up at those random times, even if I only have the strength to hold him for a few moments.
I don't want to forget this ever again. Being present has increasing significance for me each day. I have also been embracing over these last six years, increasing ease and directness in expressing love, gratitude, appreciation, recognition of beauty, and supportiveness. And as of tonight I am renewed and my passion is deeper. Its like a whole layer of junk was cleared. We are here to be ourselves completely, our pure Self, to live our life purpose with everything we have in us... Not to ever deny positive inspiration and true passion, but to be our highest and greatest expression of ourselves at all costs. That is real freedom.
The hardest part by far is not the bravery it takes to be unique, in my case, but the loneliness of still knowing so few people around my age that are on the same level of love and freedom. Freedom scares the shit out of people, especially the opposite sex apparently.
I made a vow as a teenager, and I WON'T break it: that no matter how many people reject me, no matter how many times my heart is broken, I WILL NOT compromise the truth of my heart. I will not stop giving myself fully in love. I won't be foolish, and I won't cling to relationship for fear of being alone. On the contrary, I will be equally brave going into and coming out of love, or in saying no when the connection isn't there. I may have slowed down over the years, but I am fixing that. I will listen to  the Truth of my heart completely, and I will trust myself and my own resilience. I won't judge the next by the previous. Always present and fresh.
Bhakti isn't just about romantic love, but that is a significant component for me: they gave me the spiritual name Radha for a reason I suppose, and the male-female dynamic nourishes me and complements me well, when it is vibrant and healthy. And it is requiring a great deal of patience to wait for an equal, for a genuine connection. I'm not going to waste someone's time, I know if there's a connection in a few moments, and then beyond that its typically not long before it sorts itself out as friendship or going in other directions.  And I know the moment it shatters and the connections atrophy and pull apart, and it has completely run it's course. We ALL know these things, whether we listen or not is different.
But it isn't just romantic love, that is only one piece. I exist to love and to delight in everything, be fascinated and in love with all of my life. To LOSE myself, lose my edges and borders in ALL forms of Love... As a mother, this is the most sacred and profound relationship I know... As a friend, as family... And to lose myself in love with life itself, and with my life, with each moment, with Nature, in acts of kindness, passion, and creativity, with beauty; to lose myself in love with love..
And not only to feel that love, but to express it, to nourish the world by putting that Love into every action. EVERY action... Every moment, every moment.. My aim is to be present to remember my delight and grace and to let my entire life be a painting of that love and joy. I want not one moment or being or place to pass me without benefiting consciously or unconsciously from my loving energy. We have to remember that feeling love is important, but let our choices and actions express that love is crucial, or else the loop isn't complete and the love isn't whole.
I feel this energy and this love, SO IMMENSE, and the other major struggle has been in learning how to channel it. Sadly, most people aren't used to receiving much if any unconditional love. It is intense, and can crack a heart wide open, it is a love that can make you cry.. I know that I cry more from loving so much then from anything else.. But each release makes room for a larger capacity by which to give and receive love and happiness. I recognize as a teacher I have to learn not to give other beings more then they are ready for, and at the same time, we all can stand to go in a little overhead now and again. And I refuse to hide my light, because only those who can consciously benefit from my energy will be drawn to me, otherwise the benefits will all be subtle and unconscious. It feels so wrong that it isn't considered "normal" for people to express love and consideration to strangers- in times of peace its viewed as crazy, in times of disaster it is considered heroic.. why can't it just be a darshan, a worldview, a way of life?
I am nothing but love, playful fascination, and gratitude. This is often said in yoga philosophy. And I have felt this before. But this is a new, deeper degree of direct experience- it is not theory but my actual experience that speaks these words. I can't tell you the gratitude that sparks in me, or the honor it is, so  much that it drives me to uphold my most genuine best at all times.
We all have rough moments, but I can't help but shake them off faster, and to feel some level of joy in connection with the profundity of even painful experiences.. Delight in their purposefulness and poetic beauty. I can rejoice in the silver lining. And increasingly, where ten years ago it was something of a peak experience that happened a few times a year, it is now a daily experience of love, gratitude, and inner rightness so strong that I am flooded, immersed, in beauty and true and complete loving happiness, almost washed away..
I exist to lose myself in all forms of love, gratitude, and beauty. I am sweetness and love. And I will trust my heart, and keep opening wider and wider to love, until nothing else remains but love, grateful, generous, and sweet. In humble gratitude and curiosity of the immense potential in store... LOVE!!  Laura

Stronger and With A New Song

 

Stronger and with a new songby Laura Harrison


All spinning on our own paths, I see that you are busy,
I understand that fully, but when I do talk to you I'm dizzy,

When we first met I couldn't see, but I see now it is the lack of truth in your touch,
I don't know that it is even conscious, or if you even feel that much.


Once again I feel alone, but it is mostly my own fault,
because I put my faith in other's actions, instead of in the present by default.

I told myself stories dressed in others' clothes,
it was my own mind that turned the yes's to no's.

That is part of this result, but I didn't create it all,
I can feel what is felt and upspoken, and THAT started the thought-squawl.


you never said you were good for me, I just hoped that you'd be,
but once again my ideas were wrong, but yet not too distant from reality.


When my image of what I had fades and reality sets in like stone,
I feel sobered, and embarassed, and I want to find my way home.

Yet I can't be so hard upon myself, because this is the process,
waking up takes time and patience, dilligence and forgiveness.

And just because it didn't mean what I wanted it to,
doesn't mean what it actually was wasn't true..
it wasn't a mistake to think too much of you.

If I wasn't so taken, mistaken, shaken,
If I didn't let my heart break then,
I wouldn't have been opened up, wouldn't have grown.

I wouldn't have been shown,
and never would have known,
I would still suffer believing in that lie. 

As the falsities crash, shatter like glass,
There is a hot, stinging slap to my heart,

A dark vaccuum in my chest,
a deep and painful unrest,
but when the tears dry, I am freer and I,
see clearer then ever before.
Sadness leaves, and happiness returns to my door. 

The sun shines brighter,
and I am so much lighter,
and so I continue on...

Stronger and with a new song.

With Lovely Company

with lovely company

by Laura Harrison



I just got comfortable
now its happening again
I can't understand if you're a lover
or just my new best friend

And as much as I love, I can't figure your response
or the way my heart's reacting, as we swiftly changed the course

I have a burning desire, to know what this love means
because it transcends everything, that I've ever seen
ever felt ever known, ever been told about,
I feel like I'm starting fresh, like some sort of scout,
exploring new terrain,
the mountains of the heart,
and learning from the universe what love is truly about.

I understand the learning relationship of the lover-friend,
that's what I've been given lots of,
and i'm not ungrateful, but then
is it selfish to want eventually,
to find a partner, someone that wants to be with me?

I don't expect forever, but I would like today,
and maybe a year or two
to encourage each other's way,

I'm not seeking another half,
because I'm already whole,
I want an equal in all ways,
not to lose myself in the role,
just someone who wants to play,
who also keeps it deep,
so we can cherish each other,
and snuggle when we sleep..

love is amazing, a truly sacred thing,
its just like inspiration,
because it comes when it comes,
and leaves when it leaves,
and there's nothing you can do but choose to ride the wave to shore,
or sit on your hands and choose to ignore
the gift you've been given
the opportunity
to figure out just who you are
with lovely company

I just got comfortable
now its happening again
I can't understand if you're a lover
or just my new best friend
But speak your mind my dear,
make sure you speak your heart
or else you lose your chance
and I can't be waiting on what you may do
or figure out your part

the time is now, here we are,
and if you really love me, then make it clear
I can't be held responsible
because you are held back by your fear

so don't hestitate
because if you do,
then our time has expired, and I can't be to blame
because I was open, my heart was yours,
and you made the choice to alter the course.

Don't Chase, Open Your Arms

Don't Chase, Open Your Arms
by Laura Harrison

Don't chase, how unmistakable it seemed,
When he seemd to be a solid sort of destiny,
but he wasn't what she dreamed,
just a teacher, if she didn't fall in love he wouldn't reach her

but letting go of the idea that he
was your prince charming
takes a little time
or a lot of trust
that life will bring you better then you seek

Don't chase that which runs away from your heart
Stand in the wind, open your arms
spin till your dizzy and the one who will understand your genius will appear
and move towards him without fear

Don't chase, don't try to make her fit
is she just so close but not quite it?
maybe she's there to unlock a piece of you
maybe a teacher, keeping you growing
maybe she'll get you ready for the next true love

but letting go of the idea that she
was supposed be your queen
maybe you didn't know just what the feelings would mean
when you were feeling them
you just don't quite understand love,
none of us do,
not completely...

but its a tapestry, woven with an emotion
vast as the ocean
and just as full of life..
just because you love her now doesn't mean she needs to be your wife
you are your own person, don't let him become your life
lose yourself in love while it lasts, while its mutual,
and if your not on the same page, then don't let your feelings fool you
love comes in many flavors, many degrees,
and thinking there is just one kind and that its solid like forever is a disease

can you open your arms to the one you are falling in love with..
it is truly a trust fall, 
but you don't need to trust the other,
you need to trust your own resilience,
trust life.. trust that you'll hear the call

love is not owning the other,
owning the outcome that you wanted and planned,
love is not choosing a person like an object to have.
love is staying connected to the land underneath your feet.
and losing yourself in the heartbeat, the cosmic music, the flow
the moment, as it is, as it is, not as you'd rather it'd be,
but reality..

the vibrancy, 
that flows through you and me,
it is the fabric of everything.

Don't chase love, make it, in this moment..
you don't need a lover to make love,
you need eyes, open wide to the sky,
you need to breathe the breeze as it carresses you,
you need to move, to run, to play, remember how to groove...

love is here in the moment,
in the eyes of a child,
in the creative passion
coursing through you so wild,
let it set you free..
lose yourself in that sea,
Don't chase love, open your arms,
spinning in the field, get drunk on sky,
lose yourself in the act of living,
lose yourself in all... the love.. you're giving..

when you get lonely you're missing the moment,
not the lover you thought was supposed to be yours
or the adornment... that money can bring,,
love is everything..
and the more I give the more comes back to me..

Don't chase the love they isn't freely given
lose yourself in the life you deem worthy of living
love and play, because each one can be your last day,
it can be as magnificent as a first,
open your arms, stay alive, wide to the sky, don't try
to label or understand...
lose those fists...open your hands...

some days are heavy, baby,
some days are pretty cold,
but open your arms, let the poetry of it flow,
and when it passes through, the sun does shine again,
and you know..

love is everywhere.

Don't chase...

Open wide...

It flows from inside.

1 + 1 = 2 ... We aren't halves, but we can be complimentary colors

Many people think that they need another person to complete them. I think this is a well-intentioned, but slightly unhealthy way of viewing the kind of connection most, if not all, of us long for.

As long as we look outside ourselves, towards our material circumstances or other people, for our satisfaction, we won't have lasting peace. The Buddha discovered that human beings automatically become dissatisfied regardless of their external circumstances. He realized that our happiness has to come from remaining present and dynamic. As soon as we look to something to remain exactly the same, we are certain to become disappointed because no one and nothing remains constant. It is as simple as that.

I do think the urge to find a partner is very strong and leads to beautiful experiences, but it will never be fruitful if we are looking to become completed by the other being. I do believe in rare and amazing connections between people and that these are very sacred and special, but we cannot look toward the future and demand that they shine unchanging forever. Instead we have to honor that these connections may grow together and apart as we both move on. Connections disconnect and new ones appear. Some connections are re-connected down the road as paths converge again, only to diverge when they diverge. That is what is so special about a genuine connection that lasts for many decades, to truly have that soul connection last that long requires the ability to remain honest and present as individuals, and a lot of grace and luck as well.

So if we aren't two halves that fix each other, can we be two wholes that blossom incredibly in each others' presence? Like complementary colors, side by side, each being completely ourselves, uncompromised, we can be our happiest, healthiest, and brightest with each other.

As soon as that ceases to be so, as soon as we begin to compromise our path, our individuality, in an unhealthy way, we get mixed up. When you mix complementary colors they become muddy and bland and disappear from their true brilliance. Sadly, out of obligatory courtesy or desire to conform or fear of the unknown, too many people settle to be muddy and unsatisfied, married or not. Marriage has little to do with happiness, by the way, happiness in a relationship comes from the honesty both show themselves and each other, when both people can be honestly themselves and honest with themselves and each other, and are joyous to be together, then nothing else is needed- no approval from others, no jewelry or certificate or tax break or labels.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Mourning the Mirage

I believe in love. I believe that two people can stay together for a very long time and truly remain in love with each other. I also believe that finding this kind of love is a birthright, but that most people jump the gun and miss the mark. I don't know about there being just one... I tend to see romantic relationships as a progression, and an opportunity for growth, perhaps ending up at one that works for the long haul... or perhaps just relationships of varying lengths throughout our lifetime... the answer to this probably varies for each person's life story.

Most, if not all, people have the strong urge to pair up- to find someone, a partner, to share life with. We all want someone to love us just the way we are, through thick and thin, someone to have fun with, to be intimate with, to curl up with, a friend, but so much more. And no one wants to get old alone, right? We want a partner in life especially perhaps so that we are not lonely when we are old and so that we do not die alone.

I think all too often, because we are so excited to find this someone or a someone that fits the bill, we take our good intentions and excitement too far and we meet someone that we like alright, and in our heads we try to make the square peg fit into the round hole. We kind of convince ourselves that this person is exactly what we want and need, because, well, they are here now. We sell ourselves a dream, we compromise, or settle as people often say.

Human beings are very excellent at rationalizing things. We can even rationalize ourselves into love. My theory on falling in love is that we see this person we have met, and we know or perceive some things about them, but there are many gaps where we simply do not have information. Our mind superimposes our own feelings, wishes and views upon them, filling in these gaps and creating a connection to them as being who and what we perceive them to be- filled with our own ideas as much as or more then the reality of who they actually are.

When the "honeymoon stage" wears off, I think we begin to see someone as a little bit closer to what or who they are, as opposed to the image we have built in our minds of who we imagined them to be that we actually fell in love with. Then we may fall in love with the more real version of who they are, or we may say to ourselves, maybe even to them, "you've changed. I wish you would be the same as when we first fell in love.", "Why are things so different?", "What changed?" We may be pleasantly surprized, and form a solid relationship based on two people caring about each other, growing as individuals and growing together.  This is the ideal scenario, and it certainly can and does happen.

Sadly, more often we are incredibly let down when we reach this point. But because we had such a strong connection and investment in who we thought they were, we stay. We also stay often times because no one wants to be lonely, or be the bad guy or girl that breaks a heart. So we drag out a relationship that we are not happy in well past the point of realization that this is not working and is over. This describes a lot of marriages and relationships, unfortunately. We have all seen it and or been there: the couple that bickers over nothing, shows no signs of being in love, caring, touching or even intimacy. It is the zombie-ghost-image of a couple. No one wants it, but so many people settle for it for fear of social disapproval, for fear of hurting the other (even though nothing would hurt me worse then being unwanted and strung along), for fear of being alone (as if there are no other people in the universe or as if sleeping alone might kill you instantly).

People are clingers, we are. We get attached to an idea of reality and like to stick to that better then owning up to real truth because we are scared little beings. We seem so mighty when we raze a landscape of trees to build a strip mall, or when we kill each other with giant, crazy weapons for very archaic or materialistic motives, but when it comes to the one-on-one scale, and our inner workings, we are very fragile and frightened creatures.

Many break-ups and divorces are a long time coming before they come, and this whole experience is why... we were never in love with each other, but in love with the idea we had of who the other was. When we woke up and saw this other person for who they actually were, we realized we weren't really connected.

Knowing this can help make handling break-ups easier. We begin to see that instead of losing "the one" we are moving forward and one step closer to finding someone we are genuinely in love with. We have to recognize the image we had of our partner is what we were in love with and who we are missing. We can have great fondness or even love for the person we actually were with... in time we may develop a very deep friendship. And we can move forward, and with great care we can listen deeply and honestly to our hearts and let ourselves fall in love naturally, instead of rushing it or forcing it.

Even very conscious people will most likely superimpose some of their own wishes upon the reality of the being they are with at the start, but when that image fades, it is possible to recognize the difference between fantasy and reality and love reality when it sets in. It takes discernment, patience, and compassion. It takes honesty and strength to be upfront with ourselves, because love is an interesting thing. We can choose to be loving people, and to widen our circle of compassion to include all beings, all life, the entire universe, but romantic love is a fickle thing. True romantic compatability, being "in love" as it is called, I believe is a very subtle thing. It is based on energy and vibrations... either two beings are harmonious or not, and the depth of their harmony determines the depth of their relationship. If as two beings progress through life, as both evolve and change, if their energetic vibrations remain harmonious through all of the transformations, then they will happily be able to stay together. There are likely to be times when they are not harmonious here and there, but harmony can be cultivated, and these patches where they do not resonate beautifully should be brief. Too many people remain trapped and held back out of fear, when this is actually stunting both people tremendously; mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually....

We can strive to become as aware as possible, to avoid these pitfalls, to own the truth of our life situation with strength and integrity, out of respect for ourselves and for each other. We can let go of trying to change the other person to fit the ideas and images we projected onto them or wished for them to fulfill and we can allow ourselves to either move on or fall in love with the actual person we are with. Any move made in honesty, compassion and integrity with reality will enrich both people's lives for the better, even if pain is part of the process.

Health of Your Body Colors Your Worldview + Interactions with Others

An amazing, mind-blowing insight that came to me yesterday is this: when your body is off, unwell, polluted with toxins or unhealthy food it colors not only your mood, but your interpretation of others and their moods, actions, and words. It taints your view of everything and everyone. So if we take care of our health and physical fitness (without imbalanced obsession) we are taking care of how we will be able to see, serve, love, and interact with others and our world.

I have known this, I have encountered it before: seeing how on the days when I mentally felt like garbage, my interpretation and opinion of my self in the mirror was very dissatisfied and poor I realized how malleable our perceptions are. And I have known that all layers of being inter-penetrate and are one, but this is the first time this exact observation hit me over the head with its actual experience in my life. And I couldn't be more grateful!

So yet another reason to eat good, clean vegan whole-foods, drink lots of water, practice daily yoga, and listen to our bodies needs and requests... It alters our entire experience of life, relationships and ourselves! Minimize the toxins, live lighter and freer, and enjoy this wild and precious life!

Take good care of each other and don't cling to the reactions of others, even the ones you love most. Keep a broader perspective to avoid fixating on a passing mood or moment as if it were the end of everything. Moods and opinions and even what else we share are crystallized moments, relics reflecting a vast interaction of phenomena and history and reaction to sensory experience, including physical and mental states, all colliding in this very moment. Don't grab on and freak out and think that the ship is sinking. Give yourself and others permission to ebb and flow, grow and change, express and absorb.

Yet again, taking a little space around actions and reactions makes our experience of life clearer, more satisfying, less stressful, more beautiful.

On Unconditional Love

The everyday kind of love in the yogic view is tainted with attachment. This doesn't refer to affection, it refers to the conditions we consciously or subconsciously apply to the relationship. I will love you as long as you fulfill x, y, and z. I will love you as long as you want to marry me, or do as I want, or give up what you do that rubs me the wrong way. I will love you as long as you obey me, let me control you, or as long as you give me everything I want.

We apply these conditions to all relationships unknowing, for example, we can get upset with our children because they may not want to submit their will to ours at all times. But is it reasonable to expect them to always submit their choices or even their comfort to our own? This truly is what we ask of them! Or in romantic relationships, we can often ask our partner to change to keep us liking them. We break down what it is to be ourselves and ask each other to play roles and put on masks. Is that healthy?

Even more subtle, the expectation for the other to love us back in the same way we love them is also a condition. It is a pretty subtle one indeed, yet it is a condition. If you have ever been in love you will know that it cannot be willed into being, it cannot be controlled, it doesn't happen by choice. It is completely natural, it is all feeling and not at all rational. If I am in love with you, it doesn't influence you being in love with me. There can be times in life we experience it. And depending on the unique situation, it can be very rich teaching grounds for both.

Don't ever feign love. Don't ever deny it. Do your best to guard it from conditional attachment. Let it be pure and unconditional, and it will fill your whole life with joy, light, and amazing experiences. It will expand your heart and consciousness exponentially.