There are truly only so many root wounds, like archetypal karmas, the major wound(s) we are dealt in our formative years help us to discover our strengths by facing and working out our weaknesses. It provides an opportunity to decide to believe in ourselves, and to make choices about what we are willing to accept in life. It helps us to set boundaries, to see what we truly want in our lives, and to appreciate the people we have that are worth cherishing. Surviving abuse and trauma gives us a matrix through which to develop our sense of self, even if it is often a painful process.
For most of us these wounds fall into a few basic types: being alone/unseen/unsupported, being trapped/controlled/smothered, being abused emotionally or physically or tortured, and any combination thereof. I'm sure there are more, but these are the most basic underlying wounds.For me, my wound is being unseen and unsupported and thus feeling alone.
With the ending of a powerful but short relationship recently, I have come to a place, not just of recognition of this lifelong wound, but being able to touch its face, to truly feel its influence within me, and to glimpse back at the underlying feeling of its presence at each stage of my life so far. I am doing everything in my ability to process it, and let it heal. I think because of its nature, once processed, it will truly heal with the ability to not only continue being happy and satisfied with my own company and by living in integrity with my truth, but in being able to do that while forming deeper connections with others, especially a male figure...
~
In my life story, I have always deep down loved my own heart. I know my own value and beauty. I know that I am a precious, feminine, strong but sweet soul. I am unique, and never was interested in falling in line, but would rather walk to my own beat and live on my own terms. However, because of being so different, born as an only child into a family that was always emotionally withdrawn into their own internal battles, I was always the little girl on her own.
Even when I had good friends, even with my own family, my moments of true connectedness were fleeting because of the underlying feeling of disconnect.
I developed my individuality more deeply through this feeling of individuality and often aloneness. I know how to spend hours happily without anyone else's company. I can walk into any situation comfortable. I know what I like and what I don't, I love adventure, I am not afraid to try things and stumble.
But what of the disconnect, what does and did it mean and where is it leading??
Although I know my beauty inside and out, and always felt sweet, special, and bright, because I never knew what it was to be truly seen, soul to soul, truly recognized and given FULL attention, I became wildly insecure on the surface. I never fit in, which is very common for creative & authentic beings in a society and school culture that encourages conformity and making waves. Being sensitive to energy, and highly empathetic, without knowing it or what it meant or how it works, also gave me a layer of discomfort to deal with, that I projected onto myself.
Not being seen made me lonely. I never felt complete bonds with people around me, like I saw in other people with their siblings, parents and best friends. I always felt some distance, however unspoken. Besides not being seen, I never had consistent supportive male energy in my life. Never. Absolutely not pat of my life story this time, not yet at least.
Energy comes in yin and yang, female and male wavelengths, and the two together are like perfect compliments, setting each other off in the best of ways. We crave this naturally, and if we don't have healthy connections with both kinds of energy, it really causes us unrest. It doesn't need to be a sexual relationship like we are fooled into thinking: daddy's little girl, momma's little man, siblings, best friends, as well as romantic connections satisfy this need of yin to be balanced by yang.
The root wound is both a gift and a curse: it catalyzes your discovery of you individuality and forces you to grow in order to end you suffering and become free. It also is a sneaky weak-point that will manifest itself in every situation, manipulating your actions and desires; powerfully while it is unconscious, and then with diminishing force as it is revealed and healed gradually.
The relationship I had recently was filled with awakenings and finally, a truly equal and clear feeling of connection with male energy, I felt like I had my perfect compliment in that partnership. Finally experiencing that level of connection, eye to eye, heart to heart, soul to soul, revealed to me just how uneven and out of balance my previous connections were. It brought a lot of more subtle variations of my underlying wound of abandonment and being unseen to the surface, and with his generous outpouring of loving support, I was able to see how these wounds were stuck in my heart and body subtly, and release them.. through tears, through acknowledgment, and through simply being held- supported, fully, where I had never been before.
In fact, right when I came to the point where I wasn't in such a state of extra neediness, when I came to a pretty steady state and was ready to start fresh with a new, more even balance in that beautiful relationship, it as ended. Right when it was about to begin as an equal partnership. Gone.
My best friend, my equal partner, and the only equally conscious & steady male energy I feel I had possibly ever had in my life. Male nor female, I had never felt THAT level of clear connection with another being; loving of each other for even the subtlest details, seeing every particle of each other's soul and consciousness so naturally and celebrating it with such high vibes and feelings of real oneness- the level of connection that I had always longed for and knew existed but never had quite found. I was truly SEEN, and completely this time; a new level of vulnerability and partnership that I had never quite experienced. My soul was ecstatic and it felt natural and right. And now it was gone. The story of my life, so far. NOT the story line I will continue on, but it definitely reflected my root wound AGAIN.
Abandonment. I WAS seen, finally, but no longer. NO male supportive energy in my life.
Its a process working on such a long-term wound.. it takes work in layers, and we can only work as far into it as we can reach at any given time. So as our consciousness expands, so does our ability to heal that ancient wound.. disempower its ability to control our actions and desires..
So with the loss of that special relationship, I have suffered deeply.
I don't question my beauty in all ways, in fact, I LOVE being who I am, I am so comfortable in my own skin, that the vast majority of my time I am blissfully delighted to be able to slink around this world in this petite and feminine form. I LOVE to be me, and furthermore, I truly like spending hours to myself, even alone in a crowd. Happy!! So my suffering didn't come from the rejection itself. I know my worth.
At first it was the preciousness of this individual connection that haunted me. How can we be that rich in love that we can afford to slaughter one of the deepest soul connections imaginable?! I know from experience that when the universe brings such a connection, the one who embraces it and protects and cherishes it, will receive an even deeper one if the other partner decides to throw it away, so I know that I am covered. But this relationship, in many ways, was truly special. Why kill it before it really got off the ground?? When it ended, it was with mutual respect and kindness. All the more precious...
I usually don't take more than a week or two to accept that something is over and get past it, because I know love will find me, and I refuse to accept less than being truly cherished. But this one keeps haunting me, and coming back in waves. Tearing my soul apart. Why?!
Good question.
What the hell does the universe want with me? I am moving on with my life, working on myself, working to heal and actively let go, generally VERY present, VERY grateful, very open to the adventure in each day, with a very loving heart.
So why is this so rough?? Why does it keep coming back and trying to kill me from the inside?
Last night, when I thought I was past the worst and pretty much done with it all, the pain swelled up into unbearable levels. The tears burst out, the pain devoured me, and I let my heart break open again, to expand beyond the pain, and swallow it. Its like fighting for your life- or your happiness and freedom at least.
And then after some riding, nature time, crying, driving, crying, sitting by the river alone for a gorgeous sunset and firefly-filled dusk, and crying some more and settling, it dawned on me.
I didn't finish my work on my root wound with him, I just started it. This isn't about losing him or our individual connection anymore.
This is my root would begging for healing. Time to dig deeper. Hey, maybe I can go all the way this time...
I have come so far in these 33 years of life.
I have learned that I shine brightly, so I should never suppress that, whether I am alone or in a crowd, whether I am well-received or ignored or even despised, I am glamorous, friendly and full of loving-charm and kindness. I will not tone that down. And even if no man sees how gorgeous I look, how graceful I am, how my hips sway when I walk, I KNOW it, I SEE it, I FEEL it, and it fills me with love, to love BEING, to love being alive. God-consciousness is the fabric of all that is, so if I see it, the Universe sees it, and that is enough.
No one is perfected, and I am a work in progress, however, I have the ownership of my uniqueness pretty well down. I have the comfort I my skin, I have the ability to be alone and not lonely. But we are not here JUST to perfect individuality, but equally to realize oneness through resonant connections, sacred partnerships, and real service to each other, one heart to another.
I have a really beautiful and sacred bond with my young son, and part of my healing is to have an open and deep relationship with him. That is major blessing in my life, something so precious that I cannot even put it into words.
I spent the first 33 years of my life feeling only partial connections with others, and only fleeting moments of pure soul to soul connection with egos in the way.
I have now found many female mirrors of consciousness, where we can really have profound moments of love-consciousness loving itself through two forms. My students and I will reflect love-consciousness at each other too, in some really beautiful moments. But on a truly personal and enduring level, I have precious female luminaries that come in and out of my life like fireflies, but no consistent deeply resonant male energy. It seems to be the missing part, the part of the wound that hasn't healed. I can find female connections, but as for that deeper, balancing interplay between male and female energy, THAT is hard to find, and when it comes, they haven't been able to hold a place in my life, they seem to need to run away from the intensity of the light formed in the powerful alchemy of male and female merging in a truly sacred way.
~
I think that the next stage of my life is all about taking that unadulterated individuality of mine, and exploring relationships of all sorts. Without compromising my worth or truth, how can I create soul-deep bonds.. and especially with male energy.
I am a simple person and an empath, so don't get me wrong, I need my alone time and plenty of it to remain balanced and healthy. If I spend time with people I know too much, I get drained. Or too much time in crowds of strangers.. I also need that vibe of oneness, I need to feel my individuality in the crowd of the whole, and I am nourished by the potential energy of connection in the crowds. I keep most people at arms length in my daily life so that I have a sanctuary to retreat into to recharge and move, breathe and live on 100% my own terms.
I have a deep pull, perhaps to heal my root wound, and to fulfill my life path in this lifetime, to eventually find that male counterpart... and though it takes openness and work, create a relationship together that gives us the support and freedom to be purely individual and at the same time feel completely loved, cherished, and connected to another, and thus the whole.
I cannot force this into being and it is a choice made by both individuals. Even when married, it is a choice made in the daily- choosing to uphold the love and defend it from the bad habits of the mind in stress, defend it from deterioration by choosing to reconnect and fall in love over and over again, choosing to remain vulnerable to each and to open more fully into that over and over again, instead of closing, which is easier, but emptier and choosing to love each other every step of each other's individual discovery, which means getting each other's backs in good times and bad, and sometimes having to watch each other suffer and be able to do nothing about it but be there with love.
It'll come when it shall, and I am all for it when it finally does.
But what I have learned from coming this far into healing my root wound of being unseen and alone and unsupported by male energy is this~
-I don't care how good it feels to have that male energy in my life, I will not settle for less than an equal and incredibly profound, soul deep connection, and if he cannot be an equal partner in all ways, its gotta go. I REFUSE to ever waste my time trying to open someone's eyes to my goodness and the depth of our connection. If he can throw it away, he doesn't deserve it. End of story. My love is NOT a burden and I will not waste it on a man who acts like it is. Never again.
-I'd rather be alone or despised from a distance for opening my arms and spinning and giggling in the park all by myself than surrounded by false friends or people that I don't resonate with. Quality over quantity. Always and forever. I will be me and be tight in my integrity, no matter what.
-Until resonant and complimentary male energy comes along, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. I will play, I will be glamorous, I will go to shows, I will dance. Once that complimentary male energy comes, I will root myself inside myself, and keep loving being me. But I will slowly let myself make a bond, IF he shows himself to truly be my equal, including in his openness to true love and partnership. I will be me, and I will let myself become vulnerable slowly and I will let myself be supported when I need it, but I will let him show me and prove to me that he is my equal.. not just for a few weeks or few months.. I will believe it when I see it, and actions speak louder than words. Falling in love is not enough, I need a partner whose choices and actions with uphold that love, defend it in all ways, and embrace it without fear or trepidation. I will not give him the credit of being my equal until I see it for myself and see it truly maintained for a bit of time. No more handing out status based on the connection itself or the love itself- are you man enough to cherish and openly own our love and relationship? Are you man enough to hold this love sacred within your heart, mind and life? Okay then! ...and if you are willing to give me up, and are okay with losing me, I am not okay with you, because this is not what I was looking for. I am not looking for a lesson, a transient partner, something temporary or fleeting; I am not looking for a client to heal, and I am not looking for training wheels. I am looking for my equal; someone that knows how to love and knows that the grass doesn't get greener than me, and our love- one who knows how to savor life and live fully, because life and love are what we make of them.
-Relationship is sacred and part of my spiritual practice as an individual, not separate at all. Oneness and individuality are a fluid interconnected part of the fabric of who we are and all that is.
-I will not motivate myself out of loneliness or shameless desire for (male)attention. Only my own desire for balance and inner rightness/intuition shall guide me. If I draw eyes because I am bright and amazing, so be it. But even if I don't, I'm still going to shine. No holding back, no pandering for attention.
So in the meantime... no, there is no meantime.. its my life.
I will cherish those that TRULY SEE my soul, even for a moment here and there, and I will continue to be a seer and celebrator of the souls of others. I will form real connections where they exist.
And if I am not seen by others, I am seen by my Self, and thus the Universe, and that is enough. If I have no male support in my life, which is the aspect that is REALLY missing, I will not settle.. The yin will find its perfect yang in due time. I shall keep believing. Its more than possible, its on its way.
I will never settle.
I am beautiful, seen or unseen, and I will never doubt that again. It's time to make that a solid state of being and way of life, for good.
