The Phoenix Cycle of Life

Sometimes your entire world has to crumble, fall apart, in order to usher in a completely new chapter of your life.

If you get stuck in the externals, you will suffer and spin in an endless loop of pain and self pity... Fixating on the pain itself which only serves to prolong it...

Instead, try opening yourself completely to the pain.. Mourn fully the death of the old you, old dreams, old works view and expectations of how your life would be.

What happens when the funeral pyre cools and only ashes remain is noting short of a miracle.. 

You are lighter, freer; and now, eyes seeing clearer, you are receiving a completely new set of potential energy that is even more in line with your ultimate happiness, dreams and purpose. Welcome the new truth with your whole heart and trust in your own resilience completely. You can handle anything life gives you, and with an open heart that uses the sense of inner rightness as a compass, only better and more authentic realities will be allowed to manifest. Still, it hurts to let go, even if you know it's right. Don't deny it, and don't imprison yourself there at that painful cusp~ let yourself mourn in order to transcend.  Keep flowing always...

Sometimes, you have to die to everything before you can awaken to the next degree of freedom. 

Embarasment, Empowering Each Other, & Transcendence

It is not by disappointment in each other, disregard or force that we best catalyze each other's growth... 

When I am at my weakest, it is in seeing my reflection in the heart of those that love me and see nothing but the goodness of my heart, even when I fall far short of that mark, that uplifts and empowers me to face the sharp sting of messing up, to grow stronger and rise above it where I belong, shining brighter. Love ennobles us to transcend our shortcomings gracefully and without trauma.

We learn through our mistakes. It hurts like hell to truly mess up, and the burn serves as a reminder that we carry within, not to make the same mistake again. 

We often let the embarrassment of the revelation of our deficiency trap us in a cycle of shame.. But this is to debilitate ourselves and wallow in our own refuse, and does us not, nor any others, a bit of good. Self-pity is an ugly place to hang out, not very becoming on a human. Not productive in any positive way, it's just a lazy masochistic loop.

The pain of falling flat and messing up is like the wound of food poisoning. We lose all desire to repeat the same offense. We have no desire to eat the same food item for sometimes years or the rest of our days. So do our mistakes serve us, to grow us, if we allow them to be such.

"Love me most when I least deserve it for it is when I am most in need" ~Swedish Proverb 

Somewhere between letting go of unattainable ideals divorced from reality and genuine striving with everything you have within you and maybe just a little more, is a place. I'll meet you there.. Where we are very human, very authentic, and full of love. It is the place where the fullest potential is alive, and where honesty trumps pride. Truth and love, growing patience like a muscle, and total forgiveness are crucial qualities. Within those four pillars, we are everything we are meant to be. Messy, sloppy, sometimes tear-streaked, but full of honest love and reverence. Eyes shining, alive in our greatest potential...

Perfection and embarrassment have new meanings in the truly free spirit's vocabulary.

Perfection is complete honesty and giving all one has to embody their truth externally & internally, in the midst of all the quirks, roadblocks and of reality's detours. Integrity with one's own truth and with reality without resistance..

Embarrassment is the stinging slap of opening one's eyes to see a little clearer, like the clarifying slap to the cheek of one once hysterical. 

Shame has no place in our world, if we learn our lessons and forgive. No one needs an albatross around their neck anymore. We are all human afterall..The perfect wild stormy synthesis between physical and metaphysical energies. All-at-once sacred and just for fun, here we are in our perfect imperfection to love, laugh, cry, grow and revere. 

Let Go.

I can let go
Of anything
Witness the wonder
And I have seen
Countless times
When my world
Has crumbled
And turned to ash
And still
Better came
And I was glad
That my heart
Was torn out of my chest
I have no reason to doubt
But just as each
is better
than the last
This time
It was so sacred
That letting go
Is like destroying
My entire universe twice
And although I still
Must let you go completely
I have resisted
As long as possible
Not because I fear my path
Or lack faith
But because
Of the incredible circumstances
Under which we celebrated
Our union
Miracle upon miracle
And I now am embarrassed
Because I've outstayed my welcome
I have more dignity than this
I know better
I trust the universe
You'll come get me if you want me
And if you don't want me
So be it
The universe will bring better
I have faith
And know it will be so
Even if I myself can't fathom better
So here it is
I can't hold on anymore
And I'm being childish anyhow
So at the count of three
You become neutral to me
And I have no more right to remember you
And you don't exist
Until I heal
I'm sorry it took so long
You were my favorite
But I know better than all this
Much better
One,
Two,
Three.

Farmer's Markets are for Making Friends

One of the most profound differences between farmer's markets and grocery stores (besides the obviously locally grown/made vibe) is the strong social aspect. Grocery stores are less social, most people adhere to the "ignore everyone else" pretense. Farmer's markets are inherently social, where growers, producers, chefs, musicians and discerning shoppers mix and banter, sharing pieces of themselves as well as exchanging goods and money.


Here's my new friend Mauri and I, Mauri is all positive energy!! She is the artist behind Sistahs Vintage Aprons (www.sistahsvintageaprons.com) in Albany, NY. I will be rocking Mauri's colorful and feminine aprons in my cooking videos for youtube.


If you've never been to a farmer's market, a well-rounded, well-established one, such as the Schenectady Green-Market is a lovely way to be broken in (held all year, inside Proctor's until the weather warms up, then in front of City Hall, centered right around the fabulous and hip Jay Street).


Happy exploring! Love~ laura

Mourning the Mirage

I believe in love. I believe that two people can stay together for a very long time and truly remain in love with each other. I also believe that finding this kind of love is a birthright, but that most people jump the gun and miss the mark. I don't know about there being just one... I tend to see romantic relationships as a progression, and an opportunity for growth, perhaps ending up at one that works for the long haul... or perhaps just relationships of varying lengths throughout our lifetime... the answer to this probably varies for each person's life story.

Most, if not all, people have the strong urge to pair up- to find someone, a partner, to share life with. We all want someone to love us just the way we are, through thick and thin, someone to have fun with, to be intimate with, to curl up with, a friend, but so much more. And no one wants to get old alone, right? We want a partner in life especially perhaps so that we are not lonely when we are old and so that we do not die alone.

I think all too often, because we are so excited to find this someone or a someone that fits the bill, we take our good intentions and excitement too far and we meet someone that we like alright, and in our heads we try to make the square peg fit into the round hole. We kind of convince ourselves that this person is exactly what we want and need, because, well, they are here now. We sell ourselves a dream, we compromise, or settle as people often say.

Human beings are very excellent at rationalizing things. We can even rationalize ourselves into love. My theory on falling in love is that we see this person we have met, and we know or perceive some things about them, but there are many gaps where we simply do not have information. Our mind superimposes our own feelings, wishes and views upon them, filling in these gaps and creating a connection to them as being who and what we perceive them to be- filled with our own ideas as much as or more then the reality of who they actually are.

When the "honeymoon stage" wears off, I think we begin to see someone as a little bit closer to what or who they are, as opposed to the image we have built in our minds of who we imagined them to be that we actually fell in love with. Then we may fall in love with the more real version of who they are, or we may say to ourselves, maybe even to them, "you've changed. I wish you would be the same as when we first fell in love.", "Why are things so different?", "What changed?" We may be pleasantly surprized, and form a solid relationship based on two people caring about each other, growing as individuals and growing together.  This is the ideal scenario, and it certainly can and does happen.

Sadly, more often we are incredibly let down when we reach this point. But because we had such a strong connection and investment in who we thought they were, we stay. We also stay often times because no one wants to be lonely, or be the bad guy or girl that breaks a heart. So we drag out a relationship that we are not happy in well past the point of realization that this is not working and is over. This describes a lot of marriages and relationships, unfortunately. We have all seen it and or been there: the couple that bickers over nothing, shows no signs of being in love, caring, touching or even intimacy. It is the zombie-ghost-image of a couple. No one wants it, but so many people settle for it for fear of social disapproval, for fear of hurting the other (even though nothing would hurt me worse then being unwanted and strung along), for fear of being alone (as if there are no other people in the universe or as if sleeping alone might kill you instantly).

People are clingers, we are. We get attached to an idea of reality and like to stick to that better then owning up to real truth because we are scared little beings. We seem so mighty when we raze a landscape of trees to build a strip mall, or when we kill each other with giant, crazy weapons for very archaic or materialistic motives, but when it comes to the one-on-one scale, and our inner workings, we are very fragile and frightened creatures.

Many break-ups and divorces are a long time coming before they come, and this whole experience is why... we were never in love with each other, but in love with the idea we had of who the other was. When we woke up and saw this other person for who they actually were, we realized we weren't really connected.

Knowing this can help make handling break-ups easier. We begin to see that instead of losing "the one" we are moving forward and one step closer to finding someone we are genuinely in love with. We have to recognize the image we had of our partner is what we were in love with and who we are missing. We can have great fondness or even love for the person we actually were with... in time we may develop a very deep friendship. And we can move forward, and with great care we can listen deeply and honestly to our hearts and let ourselves fall in love naturally, instead of rushing it or forcing it.

Even very conscious people will most likely superimpose some of their own wishes upon the reality of the being they are with at the start, but when that image fades, it is possible to recognize the difference between fantasy and reality and love reality when it sets in. It takes discernment, patience, and compassion. It takes honesty and strength to be upfront with ourselves, because love is an interesting thing. We can choose to be loving people, and to widen our circle of compassion to include all beings, all life, the entire universe, but romantic love is a fickle thing. True romantic compatability, being "in love" as it is called, I believe is a very subtle thing. It is based on energy and vibrations... either two beings are harmonious or not, and the depth of their harmony determines the depth of their relationship. If as two beings progress through life, as both evolve and change, if their energetic vibrations remain harmonious through all of the transformations, then they will happily be able to stay together. There are likely to be times when they are not harmonious here and there, but harmony can be cultivated, and these patches where they do not resonate beautifully should be brief. Too many people remain trapped and held back out of fear, when this is actually stunting both people tremendously; mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually....

We can strive to become as aware as possible, to avoid these pitfalls, to own the truth of our life situation with strength and integrity, out of respect for ourselves and for each other. We can let go of trying to change the other person to fit the ideas and images we projected onto them or wished for them to fulfill and we can allow ourselves to either move on or fall in love with the actual person we are with. Any move made in honesty, compassion and integrity with reality will enrich both people's lives for the better, even if pain is part of the process.

How to Gracefully Survive Transformations (should you ever need some ideas)

I cannot say when I experienced my first personal revolution.. when I decided to follow my heart instead of my head, or my parents, or what is considered the "normal", "logical", or "proper" path... We all come to crossroads in life, when we feel how heavy the weight of our choices are, that everything will never be the same again based on our decisions, or when we experience the death of a loved one or loss of a relationship or even the loss of a plan or dream that meant everything to us. Life will never be the same again...

This ties in with our teaching theme for April.. Healing, letting-go and growing in the experience of loss...

Even if death is not the loss we are experiencing, any time a chapter or era in our lives comes to a close, it is a small death. It is the "death before we die" that Rumi speaks of. Who we thought we were is no longer who we are. Life is different now. Our future has changed, our possibilities are very different. We are not that person that lived in that reality, we are somehow new and different.

This can lead to a feeling of disintegration, literally dis-integration. In time we re-integrate, we become grounded again, in our new, present circumstances. When the ground shifts beneath the feet, it sends you down to your knees. There is a deep sense of surrender. Just like the weakest moments spent before vomiting, we tend to be broken open, not physically so much as emotionally. Completely surrendered to what will happen.
             'Okay!!!! Please!!!!!! Just get it over with, let is go, c'mon.... Oh I can't take this!!!!!!'

The suffering is the greatest when we resist or fight it, so the first thing to realize is that no amount of denial or refusal is going to change reality in this moment. We are better off opening ourselves to it fully, resist nothing.... which means feeling the raw, searing pain of our circumstance.

 In the case of a break-up, for example- there is the sting of embarassment, of betrayal, of rejection; the punched-in-the-gut feeling of love that is not returned or the grimy, clinging feeling of the desperate grasping of one who wants you to be in love with them when you are not, anger, frustration, the shattering of something you thought would last longer or always be there, and more depending on the specific dynamic you are experiencing. This is not easy stuff, not for the faint of heart... but it is real. We have all or will all experience heartbreak in various forms at some time or another. Most of us will have our hearts broken in various ways numerous times during the course of our lifetime.

After accepting the reality, we can let ourselves have permission to feel, space to process, time to mourn. I like to give myself 3 whole days all to myself to feel whatever I need to feel, including self-pity, agony, sadness, depression, desperation, whatever. I cry out loud, I lay all the right music to get me sad or indignant or clear and happy again. I sing my heart out, I cry some more, I walk outside, I sleep a lot.. whatever I need. Then, day by day after that, I turn my focus deeper and deeper into the rest of my life- instead of clinging to what happened and what isn't anymore, I focus on what is and pour myself into that.

Remember that you are not the first person to feel what you feel, you are joining almost every being on the planet in one way or another. We all have loss, pain, sadness and fear at sometime or another. In this way we can develop our compassion and empathy. Suffering makes us love more.. as our heart breaks, it splits wide open, and as long as we embrace and not deny our experience, it heals wider then ever, we are capable of greater and greater love and compassion. Whenever I go through heartbreaks and difficult times, I wish for a heart big enough to swallow all this pain and love ever more then before.

So after a few days of heavy-duty processing and accepting, we can work on moving forward. Pour youself into your life as it is. Do good things for others, because it makes one feel so much better. We are at our best when we unselfishly help others. Take care of yourself too, mind, body and heart. Find a balance between doing good for others/being with others, doing your work, and taking care of yourself and being alone. Time alone is the space that allows us to come back to our Self. It is as if we are a foam cushion and life in the busy world is the ass sitting on us, we need to have time alone to bounce back into our shape, or else we will get carried away from who we are by life's little distractions.

"I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me anymore"  ~ Jack White

We tend to let ourselves get molded into other shapes by our relationships with others, not just romantically but also by friends, family, co-workers. We pick up positive and neagtive habits. The ones that inspire us and bring us good health or help us to be more creative, fulfilled or compassion we can keep, they are us. The ones that drag us and those around us down, like gossiping, complaining, judging, excessive cursing, impatience, smoking.. these habits can go, they cannot be who we are at our essence, because they make us feel mean, depressed, or seperated from our iner greatness or health. So whenever we go through a transformation in life, we can reflect on what habits we have that are ready to leave us- the ones that keeps us seperated from our happiness, health, creativity and confidence.... and we can build stronger connections to the qualities and habits we have that are healthful, helpful, inspiring and being out our confidence and very best. Journalling this is helpful.. since we are a new person coming through a transition, clarifying to ourself who this new one is can be very grounding and clarifying, helping the transitional chaos to begin to subside.

Try not to dwell on the past... make peace knowing that you (and others) do the best they understand how to do in each moment given their awareness and inner experience. Don't worry too far ahead. Try to take things one day and one moment at a time. Your life will take a new shape and that shape will become clear to you very soon.

*****Remember to practice yoga and or meditation, during the most stressful times, try to practice everyday to help you process the energy. I know that this is CRUCIAL, absolutely MANDITORY for me if I wish to stay together as much as possible and suffer the least I can manage during difficult times. My reactions to others are more harsh when I do not do this.

Taking care of your body's needs, likewise, makes the process easier. If your mental and emotional state is precarious and tender, you can at least keep a comfortable, healthy body. Make sure to get extra sleep whenever possible; eat clean, vegan foods, as much organic and raw as possible; drink plenty of pure water, kombucha, herbal teas, and minimal to no coffee, alcohol or other intoxicants that will pollute your body and cloud your experience.

Give yourself completely to the experience, and trust that it will all work out for the highest and greatest good of all involved. Trust in the unfolding of reality, in the benevolence of the universe. If you send positive energy out, positive energy will come back to you, so keep your chin up, your mind open and your hopes high ( with no hard expectations!!). You have survived thus far so you shall survive this. One basic rule is that everything is in a state of constant change in life, so know that this will change, will not last forever.. and believe that life will get better then ever. Believe it and it will, as long as your mind is open to flow with reality as it unfolds. Good luck and blessings!

with <3, laura

April 2012: Healing and Letting-Go~ Flowing onward...

April 2012: Healing and Letting-Go~ Flowing onward...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."     ~Anais Nin

Part of this path, this human experience, is hurting. We all usually far prefer happiness over pain. However, we can't have one without the other. So what do we do!? How do we deal?


Well, we can't go around it.. it will find us. We can't stick it down somewhere deep inside of us in some sort of a cement-blockaded fallout shelter... because it will rot and corrupt our future happiness and physical health (I have a theory that suppressed emotions are related to cancer). We simply have to open the door and let it in... we have to let it flow over us and around us and through us..

...like cold, cold river water in the mountains, stick your feet right in, feel the shock, feel the invigoration, allow it completely... shock, sting, wanting to run away, numbness, intensity, and somehow, somewhere, the heaviness, the jumble, is relieved, released, and we are somehow sharper, freer, more alive and blissful then ever. And we will see how and why we had to experience what we have, to be who we really are.

Mourning the end of a relationship, be it to death, break-up, or moving far apart, fading away... it is a form of death. It feels like dying, sometimes and at some point we feel as if we don't care if we live or die. Take heart, because this is just part of it. A part of us does die, like dried leaves on a house plant, we shed our old views of how it was supposed to be, who we were, what our relationship was, who the other person was, and we start fresh. A new reality is born. A fresh opportunity to live, to be, to move forward into the unknown without fear- with excitement and joy.

Let go completely of the past views. Let the pain ravage through you, cry, feel, move that energy, and let yourself heal.
 
When it happens that you are experiencing a transformation, a loss, a break-up, and you must heal, let yourself feel it without fear. You are not alone, you are not the only person who has felt this, and you will move forward into a brighter future, as long as you can give yourSelf completely to the present.

<3~ laura