Good News & Bad News About Pain

I wish I had better news than this: that you will hurt, intensely, in this life; you will realize truths that break your heart and that of others; you will lose people and situations that once defined you and provided great comfort; you will feel agony tear apart your insides; you will feel completely lost; you will question this life, your purpose, and your worth; and you will be brought to your knees in submissive surrender due to deep pain more than once. You will be cracked open like a shell beaten on the rocks at the seashore..  

The good news is this: that these states of intense suffering are acute and transient; that they happen in order to slough away dead layers of your identity and worldview that are keeping you small when you are actually destined to be great; that being lost is the only way that you can let go of enough preconceived ideas to realize new truths; and that when your shell finally cracks open you will know yourself to be the precious pearl and not the cumbersome, dingy armor you were afraid to remove yourself. 

Surrender in the spiritual sense is not weakness or giving up~ it is the release of pig-headed adherence to ideas that are no longer reflecting reality; it is the cessation of swimming against the current of life because you stubbornly feel it is "supposed to" flow the way which you thought it should; it is the acceptance, albeit reluctantly, of absolute truth over lies and delusions.

Surrender and the letting go that allows it mark the beginning if freedom. Without those false concepts and sterile expectations, and heavy ideals, not based in heart but in conditioned belief, it is like setting down cinder blocks that you had been carrying around for as long as you can remember. 

Set them down, and don't fear pain. Don't fear what you feel, no matter how intense. And no matter what your story has been this far, have absolute faith in your own resilience, your own worth, and your own ability to feel passion. 

Let Go.

I can let go
Of anything
Witness the wonder
And I have seen
Countless times
When my world
Has crumbled
And turned to ash
And still
Better came
And I was glad
That my heart
Was torn out of my chest
I have no reason to doubt
But just as each
is better
than the last
This time
It was so sacred
That letting go
Is like destroying
My entire universe twice
And although I still
Must let you go completely
I have resisted
As long as possible
Not because I fear my path
Or lack faith
But because
Of the incredible circumstances
Under which we celebrated
Our union
Miracle upon miracle
And I now am embarrassed
Because I've outstayed my welcome
I have more dignity than this
I know better
I trust the universe
You'll come get me if you want me
And if you don't want me
So be it
The universe will bring better
I have faith
And know it will be so
Even if I myself can't fathom better
So here it is
I can't hold on anymore
And I'm being childish anyhow
So at the count of three
You become neutral to me
And I have no more right to remember you
And you don't exist
Until I heal
I'm sorry it took so long
You were my favorite
But I know better than all this
Much better
One,
Two,
Three.

Poison As The Antidote

It's time
I see
I didn't know
I needed to release
Until the poison
Seeped deeply
Wicked up
inside of me
I resisted
Unrelentless
In my Pursuit
Of the truth
I strived
To stay alive
And learn I did
Survive I did


I let the acrid
bitter
Bitchiness
Scour off the shell
I can't blame
it all
on the boys
In men's clothing
But their loathing
Was toxic
To an extraordinary degree
Slowly eating away
At my bliss
and
Stripping me
Of my freedom
By strapping
Cinder blocks
Of heavy cynicism
And the judgement
of their insecurity
On my delicate
Loving
Form

But
It wasn't theirs alone
it dragged
Old scars
up
from the well
From many moons
Many lifetimes ago

The heaviness
That I once endured
And fought so hard
To become pure of
A Renaissance
Of joy and ease

And their heavy hands
Shattered
My delicate figurine form
Ridiculed my grace
And pushed me down
So that they could feel strong
When we were
Face to face

Sometimes you don't know
Until you are ill
When someone doses you slowly
And out of love
You drink your fill
It can take many years
Before you see
That "the one I loved
Was poisoning me"

So the lead you
We're pouring
Down
My throat
When I was
Asleep
Was not enough
To kill me
And
Not enough to keep
Me from opening
my eyes
And
From learning to rise
Once again

And I used
It to learn
How to become
Even
More free
And how to
More sharply attune
To my reality

I watch myself
And though
I was graced
To keep it
Mainly
At
Bay

I feel the bitter
Chunky
Vomitus
Energy
Pouring out of me
I choke on the bit
Like sawdust and sputum
Violently bitter..

The sway of my hips
My sweetness of tone
My kind, loving gaze
My joy when alone
My peace
My smile
My acceptance

I am slowly floating back to the surface
To the light of me
Back to my beauty
Again I can breathe

You stole my peace
But I used it to purge past wounds
I harbor no regret or ill will
But Your venom now
is just your own

I am once again at home
In my heart
In my life
Clearer
Than before

I will have bled
The rotten black sap
Viscous and viscous
Out of my soul
Until there is no more
I have survived
And used
Your poison
To heal
And set me free.

And
Never again
Will I
Let another
Poison me.





Sent from my iPhone

What I Learned Today About Life & God and Stuff

How much can we grow in one day? Exponentially, especially on the days we feel ourselves kicking and screaming against the grain. Throw your hands up in the fight against uncontrollable elements of reality and the unknown. Go with feeling. Strive, force, fight to root yourself in love, NO MATTER WHAT!

I did that today, and here is some of the gems I discovered, or the new depth and shine I saw in these perennial wisdoms:

Exfoliation for the soul: The Divine is the fabric of the universe. The strife, the misery, the struggle, the suffering of the world and in your life is like the abrasion of rough material to slough off the tired shell of ignorance, resistance, self-imposed limitations and to enable to know yourself as your truth.. To strengthen you to live your passion and purpose, and to empower you to live love.

Love All Just As it is: Love no matter what is who we are. Everything is radiant loving conscious energy.. We are here to learn to love ourselves and the world and all in it in our perennial imperfection and luscious creative majesty, trial and error, fragility and all. Bodies that will someday fall away and decay like overripe plums falling from the tree, souls that shine through eyes and all the magic and misery of the interfacing of an energy being with a physical form.

BOUNDARIES: Just because our role is to generate equal love for self, creation and all life, doesn't mean we need to subject ourselves to disrespect or abuse. In fact setting healthy boundaries is a form of love.. Self-love and also a lesson to the who is informed of the boundary.

LOVE: Everything, EVERYTHING is an opportunity for this work.. Discovering wisdom, truth, health and LOVE! Omniscient, omnipresent, unconditional and vast love that is what we are made of..

Validation via MIRRORING: we shouldn't seek approval from others and we don't need to justify our truth!!!!!! We don't need to justify self-care!!!!! BUT we all get worn and maladjusted and askew, and keeping positive people in your life and allowing each other to lean a little as needed strengthens both... We are all mirrors of each other's goodness.. By living our love and presence an truth, we present others with a reflection of their greatness and beauty. And we all can stand to hear that our best is more than enough, that we are loved, that we are good.. Not that we don't know, but when we are so tired an harassed by the limitations of this body-soul interface, we blossom from this soul-nourishing reminder.

WE ARE LIMITLESS SOULS (in limited bodies): limitless souls get pissed off when having to face their limitations due to time, space and the needs of the physical form.. We can stretch, bend and transcend many of these limits but at the end of the day, we cannot break them all.. Not today. Accept this. Smile, laugh. Love.

DO EVERYTHING WITH LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop doing pointless tasks...
And start doing the everyday chores with love... Dishes and cooking..

I decided SO WHAT if most of the few short years I have with my son are spent making food and art.. Mostly food... Extremely nourishing food...?? So what?! If our memories are of our time in the kitchen, what better way to teach my son how to be a man: nourishing his body and those of others, pouring love into his tasks and thus his life, never to half-ass what he does, to take care of self and others, and to share heartfelt conversation with his loved ones, equally exchanging talking and listening, both done from the heart. Why fight reality? Why not make it a sacred experience!!

EVERYTHING IS SACRED!

Don't stop smiling! Be yourself at all costs!!!!

I will not suppress my joy, my love, my awareness, or my feminine style and grace. I will not suppress my wonderment, my girly excitement, my sweetness, or my undying urge to pour loving consciousness into the open hearts of any who cross my path, and to specifically treasure those who walk this life path with me for some time.

Never give up, no matter how rough. If the unknown is threatening, investigate, know what you can. Demystify. Inform yourself. And let go of what can't be googled, like what will happen next week. Be excited. Feel what you feel. But LIVE NOW! LOVE NOW!

And that's most of it.. That's just one day.. A pretty strange and isolated yet interconnected one.

Oh yes And we need to strive to be independent, know ourselves, take responsibility for our own health and happiness.. But God manifests Miracles through us all... So talk to Him with your feelings (no words needed, just feel and dedicate) but talk to the beings I. Your life.. They are God as well, and you are God as well, and so is the stereo and your car and the sky and the dragonfly and the neighbor and the rats and dogs and everything else that is. We are are like cells in the Divine body, all a part of the net of All That Is.

Love and blessings~

Sent from my iPhone

Spring Cleaning with Devo Maheshvara, or When Grown-ups Throw Tantrums

It's just one of those days.. that's what we tend to say. To me, it's been coined a "devo maheshvara day".
It happens all the time, one or all of your plans fall apart... choice one, fight it and throw a tantrum and say "no! No!" stomping your feet, or choice two, deal with the strong emotions and let it happen as it is, as opposed to trying to control it, let it show you where to go and what to do. So what do you choose?

When things are smooth, its easy enough to think the choice is obvious. And through regular practice of yoga and mindfulness, we can cultivate the opening, the surrender, the faith in one's resilience and trust in life, it takes to abruptly abandon the expectations you had and to get in line with what is. We get tested.. and we can slowly see the hissy fit in all its immature uselessness and painfully obnoxious absurdity. Yet in the moment, when you are tenderly in pain, or in the midst of intense shock, pain, heart-break, frustration, rage.. it is harder to open to it with grace. As far as we have come, sometimes the Universe will up the ante until it breaks us, because that is just what it intended to do. "How cruel!", you say? Breaking us open is allowing us to become more free, to let go of unneeded and useless burdens and to spring clean the mind/body/emotions/energy to make room for brighter, more fitting, more magnificent energies to come our way. 

Years ago I suffered a lot in my body and mind, everyday. It was hellish. And I would break down and have tantrums fairly regularly, because my patience was always worn by bareing the burden of massive dscomfort in my own body all day, everyday, and serious chronic eating disorders. So maybe a good reason to feel shitty, but never an excuse to spoil the vibes and have a useless and anoying hissy fit. Oh well, live and learn. I felt the old discomfort the other day, due to holding onto too much energy and not finding work-life balance since my stay at Albany Med with my dad. I observed it, and calmly took care of the issue, and did my thing. That felt great. The universe sought to humble me, and to remind me how far I have to go and that we are never finished, so I had my ass kicked by God yesterday.  I derive peace from getting my work done, so when I had a hard time getting out of the house early, it was building a sense of lethargy met with frustration. It kept building as I couldn't seem to get out of the house for anything. Then my phone dies.. not the battery, I mean the sucker won't turn on, it acted totally dead. I don't have the money to replace that, I'm worried about making rent in a couple days. Then I find that there is an issue with the piercing in my nose, a piercing that I love, and have zero interest in getting rid of. I can't fix it myself, and I don't have a piercest I know to trust around here. Stalemate with the out-of-alignment metal in my nose- can't get it out to fix it, can't get it in properly, and it hurts like hell, I mean, this is my tender little nose and she is hurting with all this wiggling metal in her flesh and unable to go through the hole on the other side.. that broke me.. clock is ticking I have work to do, have to get out of the house, no phone to ask a friend who I can trust to fix my nose, can't fix it myself.. BOOM! Tantrum begins.. curse words I had no interest in every again saying flowed, and not quietly.. thankfully it was only ten or fifteen minutes, not an hour or two like it used to be back in the day.. and this was by far the worst dealing I have had with stress in a very long time.. even though, I admit, when my toddler karate kicks me upside the head while we are sleeping or axe kicks me directly in my eye socket, I cuss usually only 10% of the time now, the rest of the time I breathe, release, and help him move his dangerous parts away from my sensitive ones......

But the difference this time is that the tantrum was not only short, but I witnessed it the whole time. I am friends with Devo Maheshvara, the energy of loss, destruction, removal, that governs these sorts of days. Clearing away the old husks of habits, by dredging them up, forcing us to face their ugliness or our lack of agreeance in every embodying them again, so that we can release them. And VOILA!, we have made room for grace to flow to to become lighter, freer beings for the sake of all.. but it is mainly a process.. we have to instance by instance see these things happen, witness our habits, feel the embarasment and disgust, (painfully), and choose to stop ourselves. And then, when we gain enough of a foothold to STOP, even for a moment, just stop............

and don't think anything..


and now, this is what is happening, so how am I choosing to rise to the challenge?

So I fixed the phone, by finding my back-up battery, that worked it turned on.

And I caught the intuitive vibe that with the amount of gas I had in the car, my best bet was to head towards thus and such, and after driving for an hour and passing a few spots, one little lonely tattoo shop was my last chance before I must head to work, and lo! and Behold!.. synchronicity abounded and I knew I found what the universe wanted me to. It can be painful, I mean, I literally was led by a ring in my nose on this one. ;) The piercest was amiable, sterile, professional, very modest about the money it required, and happened to be very interested in yoga, so we talked, and he will also refer clients to me. I woke up with a desire to connect with more future students. And so it was. Led by a dead phone and the ring in my nose..

I love this process usually, I consider it an adventure, the Divine leading me through synchronicity and through the objects and experiences in front of me to a profound experience. Usually I hit the resistance and the recognition that things are falling apart, and I literally supplicate and ask, often out loud, "OK, I'm on it! Let's do this! Whats the agenda, what's next?" And it is a peaceful process, full of delight and wonder. Sometimes I guess, the violence is needed to redirect me still.

Once the piercing was fixed, I was off to work, and had a beautiful evening..l was once again flooded with love and gratitude for my role in this lifetime and for the community we are creating together through the yoga studio.. it is one of my most favorite places to be in the world, and I love practicing yoga in a community setting, more then practicing alone.
And the rent that I felt was not going to be made, well down to the dollar was brought to me. Just what I needed I was given. And I was full of gratitude.


This morning I had to change my nose ring, which I was a wee bit nervous about given yesterday's debacle.. and it took a few moments and it was in. BOOM! Independence only comes with a tender balance of letting go and full acceptance of our limits and the fact that we can't control reality, but we can choose how with react to it, and therein lies our power and the art of living.

Happy Spring Cleaning!!

Love, But Not From Where You Wanted It

I cannot say enough to how much yoga practice works.. I mean the whole package, the whole process.. It is true, and proven by science, that you change the chemistry and map of your brain by what you focus on... so if you practice switching your thoughts and focus daily...

from

dissatisfaction

to

gratitude...

from

life being random and cruel

to

seeing the purposeful connections from one moment to the next...

AND
from

jealousy and fear that you won't be loved

to

feeling the unselfish love in your own heart and flowing to you...

So often we fixate on where we want the love to come from, we specify, and we are dissappointed because our ardent hope is dashed. This seems to make great sense, and it is natural.. we will feel the let down.. but if we open ourselves... you witness the fact that love isn't coming from where you wanted it, and keep your heart wide open..

I often say to myself.. "Oh well.. I am still surrounded by love, and more love is coming, just not where I wanted it to, but even greater love is coming, and will come, from the most perfect places."  I have great faith in this. Not blind faith, or frightened faith, but tried-and-true faith that comes from experiencing it over and over..

Relationships, friendships, strangers, momentary interactions and connections that last for years..

I don't try to force it or fake it.. even if you love someone and feel a soul connection, it doesn't mean its going to be a relationship.. The connection will be mutual and FULL, there will be no question or doubts when it will be such.. but the love and the discovery we experience in any soul connection.. be it a flash of eye contact and a smile from the soul in passing on the street or in the hall... a friendship.. or a romantic relationship... is ALL purposeful and helps us to blossom into our full beauty. We have to be honest with what the connection feels like..

and don't fight it or try to shape it..

because it is all purposeful and perfect,
just as it unfolds!

And all the love we need for our most magnificent unfolding into the fullness of our life-purpose and greatest fulfilment is here, and is coming, and will always come...

just at the right moment..

but not necessarily in the form or from where we wanted it.

Sometimes we need to feel alone, or handle things on our own, even when we don't want to, but it helps build independence, strength, understanding, insight, clarity and peace. But at just the right time, love comes.. and when it comes to finding a partner.. I want it more then anyone.. but I will not force it, fight it, or fake it. It WILL come, and when it does, it will be worth every false alarm, heart-break, and lonely moment.

I look at each day as an adventure.. and I feel that even in a tragedy, there can be a strong sense of inner rightness.. and again, I believe it because I feel it in my own life. I am writing this in the hospital, with my father, who is pretty sick, but doing so well in the circumstances. I have accepted that reality, and I am holding the space with vibrant love and peace, because I feel SO MUCH rightness.. that I am in the right place and this is inevitable. I am in harmony with the Universe/Reality/God, whatever you want to name it as, I am in harmony, inner rightness is the indicator.. and we all have this ability, as human beings.

And TRUST in your resilience..

And trust that your life story is unfolding..

if you can be true to your heart,

everything you ever wanted may not come,

but your every dream can come true..

it wil just be BETTER then you could've planned it yourself..

remember all the times that you've called someone that said they just picked up the phone to call you..
or you 'randomly', spontaneously end up somewhere, and bump into a friend or meet someone new that resonates with your heart and uplifts you..

..that is the stuff that builds faith in the fact that life is filled with magic, beauty, it IS a vinyasa, a purposeful arrangement to encourage us and provide us everything for our blossoming into greatness and fullness of individual potential and purpose.

Believe THAT, remember how many times tiny miracles like those have happened, and bigger ones as well, and let it keep you strong.. and know..

love is coming, it is everywhere, it is here, it is within you.. and if you open your heart, open your heart, OPEN YOUR HEART, and realize, it MAY not be coming from where you want it to, but it IS coming, and where it does come from will be perfect.. And love gets better and better and better each time.. the bigger the heart aches you've felt, the deeper the future joys will be.

Blessings!  Namaste!!

With a Tint of Melancholy

With a Tint of Melancholy

By Laura Harrison


everything has a purpose,
pain is a cracking open,
to feel,
to even greater depths,
heart wider each time you heal.


so why are you fighting reality?
will banging your fists change a thing?
or ask yourself what you are resisting,
and stop,
to begin to live your life gracefully.

we all feel pain, we all have truths,
that are too painful to accept
as real
all at once
it is a pain so sharp
so jagged
so tearing to our flesh
like searing and scooping out the organs
sucking all the wind from the lungs
pulling all of the light from the sky...

I know these pains,
I have felt them too,
but I have learned
a new way

to not deny the agony
to feel the inconsolable pain
but not to take it into me
and crystalize it
and tell myself lies
like
"this pain is me"
or to form around it
as if it were my identity..
to do so is to build a monument in the middle of my mind,
to lay out a shrine of worship,
to that which I wish didn't exist..
it is the surest way to misery.

So I do not deny my agony,
instead I let it tear through me,
I let the tears flow,
I face it,
I feel it,
but I
let
it
go.

I don't let my brain obsess,
I confess, it becomes easier with time,
I feel the misery,
I feel everything else,
and I don't close against the pain,
I open like a flower,
I blossom into reality,
and instantly,
even in agony,
I am free.

Try,
try it,
try it over and over again,
and breath by breath,
it will
eventually,
set you free.

Give it time,
and when you suffer,
ask yourself what you are fighting,
and your awareness
will begin highlighting
all the ways you resisted your salvation.

I am not saying there is a promise of no pain,
but suffering is an option that is caused in your brain

stop rejecting what already is,
and you are already free,
and your joy may not always be complete,
but it will be deep,
sublime,
steady,
with tint of melancholy.

Sick, But Happy: The Difference Between Suffering and Pain

Something I learned a long time ago, I believe it was 6 years ago when I started my yoga studio, was how to be gracefully ill. When I first opened I got really sick, or really I was battling germs left and right. Every other week I'd have a fever, and students would arrive, and I'd have a scarf and hat on, sometimes several blankets, and be sitting on the heating grate. But I would always feel like smiling.. Most of the time I'd still teach too.

I discovered that my body may feel sick, but my spirit doesn't.. and I choose to honor the connection between the two, but to think of myself more as my spirit/energy then the wonderful, but temporary body. So when the body has discomforts, like bodies do, it doesn't damage my self-esteem or inner peace and joy.

When I thought all I was was the body, I was miserable.. because a body isn't perfect, and never can be.. its a walking, talking, pooping, farting, composting machine, that has mucus and mentral cycles, and hormones, which I still haven't quite grasped why those are so chalenging, and yet they are!!... and the body grows and ages, and eventually composts back into the giant Mother Earth.

So to shift, and see who I AM as energy, and not just body.. and to release mcuh discomfort comes from the interface of the physical and energetic.. it makes sense, it resonates, it brings liberation!

Even when I suffered a broken heart recently.. I had some severe moments of misery and got a little lost in it. But quicker then ever, and so fast I was surprised.... so quickly, in fact, that I caught myself not wanting to let the pain go so easily because it seemed almost to easy... I found my peace.. the pain existed and still, a bit, exists within my energy field.. its within my experience.. but it isn't my total experience by any means, and it is just there, and we co-exist, and it lessens everyday, like a cut on your finger slowly heals, especially once you stop STARING AT IT.. like that proverbial pot that just WILL NOT BOIL! ;)

It is the same method whether dealing with emotional pain or physical pain, and of course, like the secret to everything else amazing in the Universe, being fully present is the center.

So I become aware fully of the pain... I breathe.. I feel and acknowledge its source, and the way I am experiencing it. As I write at this very moment, my body is so achey that my finger tips almost sting as they hit the keys, I am achey and exhausted, belly sluggish and now on a tea fast for the night and early morning.. but I am surrealy at peace.. I have a great deal of love in this moment, just a general feeling of love.. I just am love, I love, I love the Universe, life, all that is.. and I feel this, along with all the discomfort, and a splash of heartache...

So you feel your pain and your loss.. feel it fully, acknowledge its source and depth, and act truthfully in its honor.. taking care of your sick body.. crying and journaling and processing your emotional pain.. but never grow stagnant, never cling to labels.. "I have a headache, I have a headache, I have a headache..." "I am sick, I am sick.." "I'm in pain, I'm in pain, I'm in pain.." "I am devastated, I am devastated, I am devastated.." That's what the left brain loves to do... obsess.. repeat..like a negative affirmation, concretizing the split moment experience and making a shrine of self-pity out of it.. a monument to this unpleasant experience is errected in that obsessive redundancy....  until you expel the thought.. just.. let it go.. everytime it repeats, don't feed into it.. just breathe and let it fall away, turn your attention to your FULL experience, in the present moment.. and the pain will shrink.. because it is only one part of your total experience.. it is only part of this moment.. along with the entire singing crying laughing dying dancing birthing learning lying loving ebbing flowing Universe.. it is only one part of what you feel.. along with the space around you, the light of your energy, nature, and anything or anyone else in contact with you.. and the music, art, beauty.. the Universe smiling at you through everything that is.. because everything that is, is conscious energy.. Divinity. We are the cells in the Divine living conscious Universe, or what a lot of people call God, or whatever way it resonates in your heart.. we are all connected to all that is. We are so vast.. our life story so significant, and so transient.. this too shall pass.. so find the light in it.. enjoy the mandatory rest and smile.. you are alive.. this is your life story, you are the star, stay real, stay you, life is beautiful.

Okay, so in the moment when you are so sad and in so much pain that it feels like all the air is sucked out of your chest, that you can't see, you don't have quite enough life force in your body to move, and eating is absurdly out of the question, and breathing is asking too much right now, because your entire torso feels like it was scooped out with an icecream scoop.. you may not feel like smilin' at the sunset.. those are the moments when you are so fully surrendered.. the moments when the migraine is so bad that you CANNOT leave the present moment or else you will vomit from the pain, those are the moments you cannot have any other intention but to be present.. weather it out.. because IT WILL PASS, and when it does, it becomes clearer why.. if not right away, someday...

Even my chronic migraines have become a forced and mandatory meditation practice for me, and have increased my mindfulness immensely.. they also keep me in check as the pain shoots up exponentially when I leave the present moment in my head.. so I get knocked down to the lowest rung, so to speak, and humbled really fast.. drawn into the present moment against my will by the degradation of pain, I find my heart becomes extremely open.. totally open. This is the beautiful way that sickness and heartache work for us. When they force us to let go of everthing that is not now, we clear the way.  All false priorities die, and as they wither and dry and blow away, love is right there shining at us. 

As I say in classes, everytime you are present, every yoga practice, every moment of deep mindfulness, even a split second, begins to wipe the slate of habit energy clean, and you can make a conscious choice in how to act and react when you arise afterwards. All of the expctations, habits, paths of least resistance are wiped away, and we can walk in a way that describes the energy that is who we are.. the unique creative flow of Shakti.. life energy..soul.. that is shining through the prism of us.. each of us, a unique and precious crystal, casting our own refletion of the light into the world.. when we clear away all the acquired debris in our heads, and free ourselves of fears, our hearts shine and the light dances through us into the world, into the lives of others..

Most people make the mistake of letting the left brain take over, condemning ourselves for our limitations instead of honoring them and getting over it and going on wisely, we knock ourselves when we are already down, and our energy is dragged down further. Get too stagnant and sucked into the dark chasm of the left brain chatter and judgement, and being sick and depressed will converge and you will feel worse then you had to feel. Most of our suffering is self-induced.. arguably all of it... see, if we are in pain, that is one thing, if we cannot accept that we are in pain and fight it, we suffer.. see there is a difference.

Suffering is the rejection and fighting of reality.. of what we are experiencing in the moment. Accept reality, accept that you are in pain, and suffering ends.. the mind and heart are ok, but the pain remains.. This is true in illness and in heart-break.. and by staying present and responding in integrity with your inner rightness, the pain will heal over time, like any wound, and the it will be gone..

So you see, that is the deal.. there is pain in life, there is heart-ache.. but you don't need to suffer.. you can choose to accept reality and still touch your inner peace and joy while you are also experiencing pain and discomfort, even great pain, I have found. Opening, instead of closing, the heart, makes everything easier and brighter and better. Open wider in the face of your pain, and you may cry, but you will be letting it go, and the pain cannot last, and the heart remains wide open.. more love and beauty flow in to nourish you, life becomes brighter.. over and over, pain cracks us open to let go of the debris and find ecstacy..  and so it goes. I hope you find the bravery to try this, and see for yourself. Love and Blessings to all..... xoxo

Mindfulness Triage in the Battlefield of Life

Life isn't always easy. But you can find something to see as meaningful, purposeful, or beautiful, even in the painful moments. Even when in agony, you can connect to you inner peace.


One simple trick is to remember: Breathe (with your whole body), feel everything (physical senses, emotions, energy, inner + outer), and then let it go. Use that to cultivate presence.. To become grounded and clear as opposed to scattered. When clear, add: Respond honestly (in harmony with your inner sense of rightness).


Breathe, Feel, Release... Respond honestly.

Mindfulness triage to practice in easy and comfortable times, so that it becomes available to you automatically in times of inner war.

Much love, for all that is... L

Let It Come When It May

Let it Come When It May
By Laura Harrison


I'm letting go of the love I had known,
The love I had found,
I had thought it my own,
And it quickly disintegrated in my hands,
Fell through my fingers,
and left me alone,


But alone, I recall,
Is something I rather enjoy,

But when I think of what I thought I had,
I am in terrible pain,
That tears at my heart and sucks me down to my knees,
That's why holding too tightly to what's past
Is actually a disease..


So I'm breathing and letting go,
And letting go again,
And then letting go of a little more,So that this heartbreak may be useful to wipe the slate clean,
And I will let go of all that is no longer me,I will let go of my past and  let go of him,
Of all I used to be and thought I was,
Of everything I ever knew,

And when I awake, as my eyes open,
It is as if I am seeing the entire universe for the first time,
It is my first smile,
And I am free to be myself..

 

I recall, I need not pander for love,
Everything, everyone, light and nature,
And Love itself loves me,
I am held by the sunlight and it knows me as its own,
I am the sweetness within the sweetness of love,
I am strength, I am Ma Kali..
I am Radha... I am Parvati,...

But I remember myself as perfect just as me,
And I cannot care if you ever love me,
Love comes from all directions and from far beyond form,And I will shine love, and give endlessly my love like the fountain of youth,
But I cannot make time with those whose affections are heavy,
Who crush my light and delicate form,
For I am a flower,
And a flower needs no one to tell her
That she is elegance and grace.
Simply to open and to release her fragrence
is enough.

And I must stay strong and true
To who
I am
Blossoming
Into,

And trust that when I am in full enough bloom
One sweet lover will appreciate
My form and fragrence fully..

And honor me with word and deed,
Breath and desire,
That our love will be weightless,
And our passion a fire
That can last for a while
For a blessed time side by side,
Nourishing each other's wholeness,
Seamless connection of love,
No pressure or boundaries,
No cages, no strings,
But single-pointed, untangled,
Bound by mutual respect and awe,
Deeply desirous and unabridged,
Unselfish and ethereal,
The realest of things.
A love that binds not,
But grants us each wings.
Open and following my heart,
Let it come when it may,
Although hoping and excited,
I find love in each day.
I thought I found a partner,
And must have been wrong,
So I healed the wound where that was torn away,
And I live in the wholeness of my beautiful life,
But with shining, open beckoning,
Let it come when it may.

Embarrassment As Teacher (and exploration of Gunas)

Written for Healing Springs Journal's Feb/March 2013 issue:


The Role of Embarrassment As Teacher
and exploring the Gunas to understand energy and experiences in spiritual growth

by Laura Harrison

It hurts to be embarrassed by our actions. It burns our hearts to make mistakes, it is a complete and almost unbearable form of vulnerability, belly exposed and everyone can see our fallibility. Most people stop there, dwell, form hardened scars, and carry a heavy collection of regrets. But this is not where consciousness is asking us to stop, that is not the intended usage of such experiences. Instead, we stop, and feel that pain, and sit with it, recognizing it, and openly observe. Pieces settle into place. We can journal, talk to friends, practice meditation, energy healing, or yoga asanas. We can connect with animals or nature, walking and hiking, or sitting peacefully. We can think, and we can more importantly cultivate spaciousness... the spaces between the thoughts, and the pieces fall into place, insight arises, and the pain has become an agent for our spiritual development.

The regular and unconscious response to pain and discomfort is to avoid it. We tense against it, we close.. this is resistance. We learn in the path of mindfulness to instead open wider, to offer NO resisitance as we observe all phenomena, all experiences equally without judgment or favoring. What happens when we cease to resist the pain, is that we feel it more accutely and intensely, but it leaves us more open, more free, and more conscious. We can learn from the pain- the sting of embarrassment teaches us not to repeat the same mistakes, like the memory of a burned hand teaches us not to touch a hot pan, or the memory of food poisoning provides a visceral reminder to be more cautious of what we eat.

The evolution of consciousness that we are all undertaking as embodied souls requires this trial-and-error process. As we raise our awareness, as our energy changes, that which used to serve us no longer does. Old habits that were real and important and part of us before, are no longer connected to who we are. These ghosts need to be released. This requires a humbling sense of openess and flexibility of mind, and it can be hard to imagine that those who know us can adapt as our personality evolves with us. However, people connect, disconnect, and sometimes reconnect as their energies are harmonious or disharmonious. Fear of loneliness cannot prevent our evolution, because when one person leaves, another will come. We are here to live our truth, no matter what the cost. And furthermore, if we do not live our truth, we will suffer deep inside, and that suffering will grow like a disease and eventually cause so much ugliness and hurt that we will begin to take it out on others. It never does us or others justice to maintain falseness.  

Spirtiual Puberty

This process of uncomfortable yet delightful evolution is almost like puberty.. with all the awkwardness and embarrassment, confusion, agonizing discomfort, getting lost, figuring, exploring and blossoming into deeper and deeper levels of confidence, strength, and more palpable connections to inner rightness and truth. Just like puberty, the changes are happening, if we wish them to or not. It makes it harder if we fight reality, and since that would be futile, it only makes sense to open wider and wider to the painful but beautiful lessons we earn.

Everything happens in natural cycles; seasons of light and dark, birth and death and rebirth. Life in the physical is filled with nested spirals of evolution; microcosms tucked majestically into macrocosms. Linear paths are typically human in invention, everything else spirals around and around. Forgetting and remembering are part of the journey. Loneliness and rediscovery of interconnection are part of the path as well. As are mistakes and forgiveness

In yoga philosophy, the Gunas are used as a handy way of discussing different qualities in energy. Our cycles of evolution can be seen and understood more with the help of these ideas. Don't worry about grasping the idea and labelling things.. let it help you to articulate what you already feel in your experiences.

The Gunas

There are three gunas. All three are present in all of us, but certain energies, people, or actions can have a strong dominance of one guna in particular. Remember that these labels are to help you articulate and process what you feel, so maybe meditate on an example of each and feel the differences in the qualities of energy.

Tamas is the guna of stillness, of lethargy, of delusion, darkness and depression. It is present in aparent solidness and stagnation. It is part of the "darkness" of negativity, the delusion that we are seperate and the objectifiying other beings and taking advantage of them out of fear or greed. Depression and being overweight are states of excess tamas as heaviness. Tamas is also present in sleep and consistancy, so it is not all negative.

Rajas is excited movement. It is nervous energy, anxiety, scattered or flighty minds. It is like too much caffeine or hyperactivity. It is the inability to sit still, the need to be in constant motion or stimulation. It is chaotic and can be draining because it is unguided. It is abundant, unfocused energy.

Sattva is extreme energy, but where rajas is also extreme energy, rajas is out of balance, and sattva is in balance, focusing that energy into one flow, like a laser. Sattva is considered the higher and lighter state of energy and it is the goal to cultivate an abundance of sattva versus rajas or tamas, according to Vedic philosophy. It is great peace, great love, the ability to accept what is in each moment without fear or resistance.

 The trick is that we can demonize all the other states of being. We can demonize the pain of embarrassment. We can demonize ourselves for learning slowly over many painful experiences, but it doesn't make sense to kill the messenger, to hate the process, the journey. Life IS a journey, your everyday life is your spiritual path. Vacation isn't the only time to be free and accept the flow. Its here and now. In the painful AND blissful experiences of life alike, we are evolving, growing, and becoming free of all the chains we've allowed to bind us.  In every moment we are living our life, choosing how to write our story. And it takes patience, acceptance, and experiences of all kinds to hone the spirit in its interface with the physical.

Without the movement of rajas, we can never transcend tamas. We learn to process the massively intense amount of spiritual energy that is present in each moment, and at first we are distracted and scattered and thrown back and forth between tamas and rajas. Then we learn to ride the ship, to yield and move with the flow in grace, and we touch sattvic states. Eventually, we rarely taste tamas, and we learn faster and faster to cultivate our rajas into sattva. We become balanced and whole again, our essential state, our Self, shines brighter then ever before. We meet our Self.

The recent universal shift in energy was from rajas to sattva I believe, that is how I am experiencing it.. so instead of being bombarded by rajas, we are becoming surronded by sattva.

Our journey is individual, but we all go through it, it is universal as well. Don't hold too tightly to anything, let it all flow through you and your experience, and as it does. Drop the judgement. Drop the false sense of control. Drop all the ideas of saving face, or what your face really is. Who you are is a constantly refreshed river, always new. Open wide and let pain and pleasure, highs and lows teach you, they burn off all that is no longer serving your journey and fll you with fresh love and light. Balance dilligence and receptivity, and you will learn the dance. Let the experience be your guide.

Laura Harrison is the founder of the Natural Yoga Method, and the director of Enlighten Yoga in Amsterdam, NY. She is a yoga instructor, life coach, vegan/raw chef, mom, nature lover, artist, and poet. For more information see EnlightenAmsterdam.com or LauraLovesTheUniverse.com or call her at 518-866-3621.

Bloom Effortlessly

Bloom Effortlessly
by Laura Harrison

I cannot fight this rhythm
I can only open wider
as to close is to resist

to resist is to fight

to fight is to suffer

to open is to be free


Offering no resistence to the
unfolding poem of reality

disconnect from likes and dislikes
and from the masks absorbed from
external sources that long ago vyed to contain me

and I will bloom effortlessly
into my fullest beauty

On My Knees in Gratitude

On My Knees In Gratitude
by Laura Harrison


I see the pieces of my life falling into place
and I think one of those pieces may just be your face

my world is changing so fast that I can't hold on
I think that is exactly how I'm supposed to respond

let
it
go

let it come

let
come
what
may

each day

as my concepts and expectations are destroyed
and my plans lie in ruin
my eyes remain shining and wide
looking at the glistening moment
and I see the way
to a more genuine life
if I give up on what I think it should be

I am free

to be completely,

to BE

without constraint
without restraint
without chains or filters
or justification
or social stratification

I AM but this
one loving spark
shining my own little light
into the dark,
and if I can succeed at dropping
all greed and the pre-conceived

I can see with every cell
feel with every particle
the magnificent sublimity
and playful simplicity
and if only for a moment
glimpse the radiant web of life
weaving unlimited possibility into being.

Believing is in seeing,
when I see,
amidst all possibility,
that there is even room for you and me,
to meet,
for the Universe to bend,
in order to send,
me my every need and dream.

Life is the manifestation of miraculous reality.

Revel in This Moment

Revel in This Moment
by Laura Harrison

Let go of all this thinking and knowing,
life is a flowing,
a showing.

Habits are residential,
but not essential,
they are not
WHAT WE ARE,
look far.
far,
deeper to see,
to feel,
your frequency...

energy
synergy

intention
attention
re-invention without convention

serendipity
synchronicity

life happens in endless cycling
re-incarnation is recycling
and vice versa
open your eye
life is diverser,
first appearances deceive,
open up to receive

lose yourself to find your Self again,
and again,
only you're always evolving,
though in your revolving,
you never find the same self twice..

..take my advice:

stop trying so hard to uphold
all the expectations of old
being yourself requires being bold

you aren't hurting others by being real
the only ones you'll anger are those yet afraid to feel
half as free
as you
can
allow yourself to be

being free is the name of the game
being yourself is not a shame

you have no one but yourself to blame
if you aren't happy in your daily life

compassion only grows when you are brave enough to live your truth
to rise to every occaision
to offer the standing ovation
to recognize that another's strength is NOT your weakness
is to let the beauty of others make you more beautiful

be dutiful to the truth of your own heart

stop thinking!
Love, creativity, beauty, the magical things in life are never logical
and
cannot be contained
in the little mind

so expand
    let go
       open wide
          like the sky

     and revel is this moment in your own way,
and revel is this moment in your own way,
          and revel is this moment in your own way.....

Learning to Be Present

Learning to Be Present

Laura Harrison



Learning to be present,

Learning to be free,

forced to make peace with the unknown, of unfolding destiny


We can only take one step at a time,
     We can only breathe each breath in line

Dreams foreshadow our possibilities,

but if we grasp them we crush their fragile wings.

We have to ride the flow of synchronicities,

and let them blossom into finer things,
   then we ourselves at first conceived.

By balancing relentless risk taking, and that which is received,

Reality is ours for the making,

                    But only if we find dynamic harmony.

Pain, the Teacher

Pain, the Teacher

by Laura Harrison

Pain has a way of bringing you right down to your knees,
shredding down your false priorities,
bringing you back to what's real,
everything that ever mattered,
is contained in each moment, right here.

Weathering the Ups + Downs and Staying Open

In order to blossom, that requires us to allow ourselves to be open. We have to stop ignoring our experience, our mental-physical-emotional experience day in and day out. We have to witness the highs of joy and ecstacy and the lows of emotional and physical pain with openess. It is intense. But anthing short of that is to die a little to life.

We have to witness our urges, our longings, our feelings, and let them show us the truth. Once you are in-love, you forever know what it feels like to be in love. The glow of timeless being togetherness, savoring of closeness and fulfilment of desire. But we rarely acknowledge that what is also part of that love is the sweet agony of longing, the painful tearing at the soul in parting, and the depth of loneliness before we find that love or when it perishes, not to mention the ecstatic bittersweet pain of longing for each other throughout the development of the relationship.

Where typical Americans are encouraged to become hardened to the raw intensity of experience in order to become more efficient, more rational, more conformed to social norms and mores, the truly conscious person goes in the other direction. Can we remove every barrier between us and reality in all its raw, fearsome, swe-striking, ambrosial beauty? Can we forge ourselves in that fiery intensity of sensation and become open to the world? This enables us to feel everything, to miss nothing, to find inner peace in all circumstances and gives us the strength to live the truth of our hearts and thus an extraordinary life with no regrets.

It requires us to witness it all. The raw, dull ache of loneliness or longing. The sharp tearing of loss. The flush of fire in embarasment and anger or injustice. The open, expansive joy of loving. The feelings of aliveness that comes in all of this. This is real life, this is reality; not the sanitized, vaccuum-sealed consumer friendly version of life that serves corporate bottom-lines well, which we are sold in our ridiculous culture. Happiness doesn't come from giving in to conformity, it comes from knowing and following your very own heart.

Stay open. Witness your experience. Talk to others or rest in stillness on your own. Connect with nature. Use powerful hobbies like music and art and writing to move the energy through you and allow it to become a creative force. Out of the force of our experience in life comes all inspiration and art. From stillness arises insight, from insight arises freedom.

January 2012 teaching: The Bravery to Bloom

 "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."   ~Anais
Nin


Yoga practices help us to clear away the debris that gets in the way of expressing our innermost and highest nature. It helps us to clear away all that is false to be
our true selves. Many of us, I daresay in the Western world especially, all of us, at one time or another struggle with our confidence or our self-image. For some of
us, that negative view is debilitating and robs us of all real joy in life. For some, our harsh self-view is the ultimate obstacle to freedom in life. There comes a
point when, as Rumi calls it, we reach, "self-hating fatigue", the point at which we cannot stand to be so filled with hate, anger, guilt, and sadness. This is the
point from which we give up clinging to our fear, and we are ready to blossom. We can give up the habits of negative self-talk, self-depreciating, passive-agressive
self destruction and finally begin to have compassion for our self as a living being.


Anyone can sit in self-pity and misery if it is their habit, but it takes true bravery to begin to care for ourselves. And once we do, we see that to care for oneself
is not selfish, but is the only way to care for others. When the cup of our heart is empty, we have nothing to give to others, we are not kind or compassionate. But
when the cup of our heart is full, that which overflows can be given to all around us, we are automatically kinder, more joyful, more helpful and patient. Being deeply
honest makes the world a better place by our mere presence. Following our heart conscience is the way to blossom and brighten the world. Our happiness lights the way
for those around us.


Building trust in your own heart-conscience by experience, you learn that you can withstand anything that life brings and that there is beauty to be found everywhere.



NO ROOM FOR FORM by RUMI





On the night when you cross the street
From your shop and your house
To the cemetery




You'll hear me hailing you from inside
The open grave, and you'll realize
How we've always been together.




I am the clear consciousness-core
Of your being, the same in
Ecstasy as in self-hating fatigue.




That night, when you escape your fear of snakebite
And all irritations with the ants, you'll hear
My familiar voice, see the candle being lit,
Smell the incense, the surprise meal fixed
By the lover inside all your other lovers. This heart tumult is my signal
to you igniting in the tomb.
So don't fuss with the shroud
And the graveyard dust.
Those get ripped open and washed away
In the music of our final meeting.

And don't look for me in human shape,
I am inside your looking. No room
For form with love this strong.

Beat the drum and let the poets speak.
This is the day of purification for those who
Are already mature and initiated into what love is.

No need to wait until we die!
There's more to want here than money
And being famous and bites of roasted meat.

Now, what shall we call this new sort of gazing house
That has opened in our town where people sit
Quietly and pour out their glancing
Like light, like answering?

'No room for form' by Jelaluddin Rumi page 138 'The 'Essential Rumi' translations by Coleman Barks. Harper Collins 1995