Tuesday, July 26, 2011

108 Days of Delight: following the rules and seeing how it goes

So again my transformative commitment of 108 days takes a turn. I realize that what I need is to deepen my practice in an unconventional way-- by actually living it even more fully.

This is more challenging because much of my time is spent with my young son. I am frustrated when what I need to do, or think I need to, is met by his sadness: he wants my full attention and I feel the need to do other things. Sadly not all of it is probably necessary at the moment, but I assure you, its pretty paired down. Dishes, cooking, peeing top the list, doing laundry and sometimes sitting with him instead of carrying him when I'm tired. But there are random, inspired bursts of cleaning/organizing, gardening or other creative acts that are very much a meditative/flow state experience for me, that are sometimes met with his joyful participation or happiness to play his own way, or may be faced with his frustration or sadness. I endevor to find my flow without causing him or others any sadness or harm.

But what if I meet his resistance the same way I'd meet my own inner aversion?? What if I trust that the "sweet spot" will be found as it has so many other times, when he will be in the mood to play or sit or help me do some chore, and we enjoy the moment together? What if I let go of another layer of resistance and ignore-ance/ignorance and truly surrender to my body-heart-mind's spontaneous guiadance?

This is how I am deepening my sadhana these 108 days- I am answering each moment spontaneously from my heart-conscience before my brain/ego gets in the way and starts debating. So much guilt, resistence and tension is eliminated by trusting the gut, so to speak. And in that way I am following my bliss. I do whatever non-harmful (non-stressful to myself or others) acts pop in my head without second-guessing or rationalizing them. I speak my heart. I am practicing raw, loving honesty. My quality of mindfulness is improving, because I am following fascination and wonderment of the senses, with whatever I experience. Whatever works. If I feel like asanas, playing wildly and whole-heartedly, seated meditation, getting lost in the sky... I just live from my heart.

In fact today, during walking meditation to the park I took 2 minutes to swing, and it was amazingly blissful and profound. I felt such an expansiveness gazing into the sky and flowing on the swing... I really had to hang on because I was so relaxed I could've just laid down or floated away!

My mindfulness, my moment to moment level of awareness is the greater goal, and it is improving, so I am having success with this experiment. In some ways I output a little bit more energy, but I am getting so much more consciousness, lightness and bliss. I feel myself in that post-yoga-practice spacious-bliss-flow longer, I'm out of it much less then before.

Beautiful things are happening! All it takes is practice and true willingness! Namaste!

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